I had no idea what was happening

Tucked cozily beneath a blanket,
You had your arm around my waist
My legs were on your lap
And my head rested on your chest

I hadn't the faintest idea then
That deep within, my heart started to mend

You're the only part of me I've ever loved
and I hate you for it.

"One last shot,"
"One last shot?"
"It numbs the pain,"
"You'll go insane."

"One last drag,"
"One last drag?"
"It helps me breathe,"
"But I see you heave."

It's been quite a ride
And boy, I am tired.

My love never mattered to you
You never really were true.

So now I'm letting go
Of the boy that I loved so

Love was enough when I was enough
The moment I felt your hand slipping away
I just knew then
I was no longer enough

It had always been yours
You just never wanted it

They asked how I've been

I didn't really have to say anything--
There was not one person in the room
Who didn't hear my heart breaking

She stood on the balcony
Feet arched as she tip toed
To get a better view
Of the life beyond this room

From inside I watched her
As a smile spread across her face
Her eyes so full of wonder
Like the world wasn't such a bad place

I didn't dare take my eyes off her
"It's breathtaking," she sighed.
I felt my heart flutter
"Beautiful," I replied.

I sometimes look back
And reminisce on the days of 'us'
When your eyes weren't as cold
When you still cared

But then I look closely
And realization washes over me--
I was fooling myself all along
Because really, you never cared at all

I remembered dozing off
To the sound of your heart beating

It was the most peaceful sound
That drowned out the noise of the world
It was my favorite sound
Besides that which escaped your lips

Tonight I doze off
To the memory of it

How could I break his heart
When he's mended mine?

Catch a glimpse of me just as I round the corner
Take a second look as I pass your range of vision
Have this urge to chase me
Get that feeling in your gut that draws you to me

Have your heart skip a beat
At the sight of me
Just as mine does
At the sight of you

May I leave a smile on your lips
Even when you can't remember the exact details of who I am
Or what I've done
May there always be a residue of the happiness
From the moments you and I shared

Then after all that
May you see beyond the surface,
May you know my mistakes and accept them,
May your patience know no bounds,
May your love never be wasted.

For I will be everything but fleeting
As long as I am the moment you are seeking.

It’s 4AM, yet still I am bothered by the memory of you.

How could I have already forgotten your face when not so long ago it was all I thought about?
How could I have already forgotten the details to the moments we shared together when not so long ago it was all that replayed in my mind?
How could I have already forgotten your smile, your smile that once drove me crazy?
How could I have already forgotten the words you said when it was all that rang in my ears?
How could I have already forgotten the good times and remembered the bad when not so long ago every moment spent with you were moments I looked forward to?

It’s 4AM yet still I am bothered by the memories lost indefinitely in my subconscious, fearing what would happen when they are finally recalled.

It's exhausting to love you.
My heart aches each time you change your mind about me,
Each time you decide to simply ignore me for the day.
Whenever you do, I die a little inside.

It gets tiring
Standing on my toes, waiting for something to happen,
A sign, anything! Anything at all that would let me know you remembered me at least.
But I should know by now that it'll never come.

You've worn me down
To the mess that I am,
To the broken shell of a person I have become.
People tell me I should know when enough is enough.

Loving you is tedious,
But that doesn't make me love you any less than I already do.

Yes, it's exhausting to love you,
But just a smile from you instantly lights up my day,
Your hug magically makes the pain go away,
And your kiss does wonders to the icy corners of my ****** up heart.

I could spend every day falling in love with you all over again.
That's worth all the trouble.
You're worth all the trouble.

I have this fear--
This fear of falling

Once I dreamt
Of a bridge above an abyss
And I had to get across
It was utterly terrifying

But not as terrifying
As falling for you

I could never tell you what was on my mind
So I wrote every thing down on paper
Each passing day with you only made things worse
Because all the things I was too shy to say
Became too lengthy to write in one sitting
So I typed them instead

Then one day you kissed me
And all the things I tried so hard to hide
Spilled from my mouth
And I dare say
Into your heart

Had I known I was going to fall in love with you
I never would have smiled at you that night

You smile at me
The way you do at the sight of an infant
You laugh at my jokes
The way you do when you watch your favorite sitcom

But you never looked at me
The way you did when you loved her

I didn’t expect to find such serenity
From the battle that is life
Or in the presence of monsters and demons
So eager to ravage my humanity

How can I not
When time and time again
You are the light that shines bright
In all of my dark nights?

You loved
With your whole heart
Like you knew nothing of pain

You loved me
With your whole heart
Like you didn’t know I caused your pain

You knew
Yet you loved me nonetheless

Nothing.
That's what he was.

Nothing but another person in the crowd.
Nothing but a random face in class.
Nothing but an unextraordinary writer.
Nothing but a boy.

He was nothing.
Definitely nothing.
Until he wasn't.

So I’m just another idiot who fell for you.
Just another idiot who isn’t ready to repair her wings to fly again
Or her oars to sail again.

Nope.
I’ll be stuck here.
So madly in love with you.
Blinded, like you are.
Maybe oblivious, even
To who ever else out there.