I used to imagine how I would tell you. Day dreams came often and whenever we weren’t talking, it felt like I couldn’t wait to close my eyes and see your face again. How would I tell you that I wanted to know your soul? My brain would think of you, often bringing you up randomly to see if my friends would help me figure this out without quite telling them what I wanted from them. No one knew what I wanted. No one knew how much I thought about you. Jokes were constant, trying to play off what I would say if it sounded a bit too serious. I couldn’t let anyone know because I couldn’t risk scaring you off.


Touches felt like walking into a warm house after shoveling snow. I yearned to be near you all the time, to accidentally brush against you in hopes that you would feel it too. I tried not to stare long, I knew that would make it obvious, but sometimes it was too hard not to. Since you were brought into my conscious, I haven’t let go of the thought of you.


We didn’t seem like a good fit in my mind at first. I wasn’t sure if you really wanted a relationship or if the idea of one was your thing. You struck me as someone who liked to be alone, who liked to be exceedingly independent, who wouldn’t have the same interests as me. Regardless, that was just what was painted of you. My heart felt more, I wanted to know more. I wanted to know the girl under the skin, behind the face. I wanted to know you.


Slowly, I saw you. I saw your soul and was able to learn more about you than ever before. Then, I really started to fall. I wasn’t even sure how you felt, but the day dreams occurred more often now. During class, during work, during homework, before bed. Any buzz of my phone made my heart jump hoping you would be the name that popped up on it when I checked. You’d become someone I wanted to be around constantly.


Then our lips touched and the nod of our heads showed that we had been hiding it from each other all along. Four hours more into the morning and we were telling stories about how we danced around letting each other know how we felt. It was a relief to finally let that out because no one even knew how I felt about you. Waking up next to you that next morning felt like a dream, I wondered if last night was real.


Each day since then has been a blessing. Growing our love daily has become one of my favorite things to watch, as well as learning a new way we’re perfect for each other each day. Life next to your side just flows effortlessly, as if nothing could really hurt me that badly. I take each day at a time, but I know that as I look in to my future, I can only hope that you’re the one I see standing next to me.

I love the stars.
Actually, I don’t just love them, I need them.
Sometimes I get so out of touch with reality and feel like literally nothing is right but then I look up. I see the clear sky and the bright stars and everything is right again. I’m grounded, here, on earth. I am okay again. They are big and bright and beautiful and I am okay.

For straight people who say that being gay or lesbian is disgusting, I want you to remember this.

You have probably never had to fall asleep crying, been bullied, been threatened, been shunned by family, been kicked out of your house, or been talked down to because of something that you cannot change.

When I realized that I liked women, I cried every night wondering why God would do this to me when He supposedly hates gays. I cried when I came out to my friends and family in fear of losing them. I tried dating boys just to prove to myself that it wasn't real.

I TRIED TO CHANGE WHO I AM BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU.

That may not get to you like it gets to me, but I tried to change someone who is loving, caring, and thoughtful. I tried to rip apart someone who just wanted to love everyone and everything and receive that in return. I tried to rip myself apart and change everything about me because of people like you.

I left my church and turned my back on my God because people like you told me that He hated me, that He would never love me, that I was an abomination, that I would rot in hell, and I believed you.

I was lucky to have a loving family and wonderful friends who accepted me from day one, but not everyone is that lucky. People like you are the reason we hate ourselves, the reason we commit suicide, the reason we are not equal.

So when you fall asleep tonight, I want you to count your blessings and remember your straight privilege. I want you to ask God why He chose you to be straight, but me to be gay. I want you be thankful that you didn't have to grow up hating yourself because of people like you. I want you to think about the gay and lesbian kids who are asleep on the street because people like you become parents and kick them out. I want you to think about those who have lost their lives because people like you bullied them into thinking that they had nothing left.

Because of people like you, I had to write this and explain why I should be accepted by society in 2018 for being a lesbian.

The beginning of my sophomore year in high school, which was in 2011, I started realizing that I am gay. Upon realization, I started going to church more. I didn’t want to believe it, I couldn’t. The more I went though, the worse I felt. I began questioning God. Why would He make me this way if He hates me? I can’t control this. I don’t want to be unhappy trying to be someone else. This feeling continued on for about 4 years.

My freshman year in college, I had begun declaring myself agnostic. I didn’t want to completely give up the thought that there was something, but I couldn’t bring myself to think that there was. I kept questioning, why would an almighty God do this to us? Why would He make us suffer? The questions rolled every time anyone spoke of it around me. I never got into debates though. I kept my feelings to myself and always, always, always respected others’ religious beliefs.

In February of 2017, I met someone new. We became friends and slowly more. I learned that she was Catholic and I was very worried. Would this affect us? Would she hate my beliefs? We talked about it, but she did not. She understood and was very nice about it. I began asking questions though, because she seemed to understand the religion and the God I questioned so much. She answered them, I began asking more.

2 months after meeting her, I brought her home to meet my family. That Sunday she asked me if I would like to go to church with her. I was very hesitant because I hadn’t been to church in 5 years and I had never been to a Catholic church. I was nervous, but I really liked how passionate she was about her God, so I said yes.

I sat down and listened. It brought me back to when I used to attend church, but it wasn’t a bad feeling. I felt different this time, 5 years later. I felt loved, I felt at home. I wondered, “Do I only feel like this because I like this girl?” so though I told her I actually liked the service, I did not immediately tell her the questions that again started rapidly flowing through my head. I started reading up on the bible more and more. I downloaded an app to my phone that sends me daily bible verses.

I started my journey that following week, but alone. I wanted to make sure this was true. How could someone help me see this light that I didn’t want to see for so long? The truth is, it was never because I liked her so much. It was because she was passionate and her love for her God was radiant. I was impacted by that radiance.

I started attending church with her more and more, whenever I saw her. I even started attending a church that fits my own personal views a little better. I started understanding God more. I started understanding the Christian religion more. I wanted to grow in God’s light, I wanted to love again.

When I was 5 years old, I had a crush on a girl and wondered if any of my other friends ever had feelings like this. When I was 12 years old, I wondered why I was so fixated on my friends who were girls and why I cared so much about what they thought. When I was 13 years old, I started dating boy after boy after boy and never giving myself time to think about who I was. When I was 14 years old, a girl told me she liked me and I didn’t hesitate when I said I liked her back. When I was 15 years old, I started going to church every Sunday and dating boys to prove to myself that I wasn’t gay, to prove that it was only one girl. When I was 16 years old, I came out to my mother and sister because my first girlfriend told me that I had no choice but to tell my friends and family. When I was 19 years old, I came out to my grandparents and they accepted me without hesitation.

Now, at almost 21 years of age, I have come to love myself for who I am. I pride myself on not just being known for being gay, but for being kind, helpful, honest, loyal, respectful, and loving. I identify as a good person, who just happens to be gay. There’s nothing wrong with that and I hope that during this pride month, everyone who is struggling finds light and love like they deserve to.

I could honestly bet that if you ask anyone what their biggest fear is in a relationship, is that it would be the past repeating itself.
Someone once told you “You don’t make me happy anymore.” so you’re constantly wondering if you’re making the person you’re with now happy.
Someone once cheated on you and now you can’t stop thinking about that random person you saw comment on their picture or in the back of a snapchat.
Someone once abused you and now you flinch any time they come at you just a little too quickly.
Someone once told you that you were nothing without them, so you cling to the person you’re with because you feel you’d be nothing if they ever left you.
Someone once walked away and never gave you a reason and now it’s been 2 hours and you’re freaking out because they haven’t responded.
The truth is, our past will never repeat itself. Things may happen to us that are incredibly similar, but all things are a lesson. Our pasts were meant to teach us, guide us, and shape us into the person that we are truly supposed to be. So maybe you’re afraid of many things, but don’t let those many things ruin something great that might be sitting right in front of you. Your horrible past is NEVER going to be worth losing an incredible future.