I grab a knife
with my weak little fingers
butter up
that 9-year old bread

with no certain motive
to swallow
I sit at the lunch table
wishing I’d wept

hide between see-through mirrors
to me they’re the ideal refuge
sacrificing my bones for tomorrow
in hopes they’ll never find truth

a decade has passed
still hadn’t dared to air out my house
but you punched in the windows
broke down the front door
the rotten blood spilling
out on the front porch

I stand vulnerably naked
without walls my house is a stage
and I suddenly realize, I am the artist
painting with colors my beautiful pain

I pick up the butter
and that 20-year old bread
my bones supporting my body
once and again

I fill up with lights
my wonderful home
with no blinding darkness
shame shall not play the main role

earlier
when the sun woke me up
I decided to take a morning shower
in your endless despair

I unfolded
between the delicate creases
that the storming waves
had built up around you

you caught me riding your wave
and unmercifully, you thought
you would drown me
since I was drowning anyway

choking
on your salty sea water
became my daily dose of *******
my comforting shelter

as the ocean having unlimited power
I kept on stumbling
underneath
your bleached layer of foam

Now I am cleaner
than a drug addict after *******
my spirit finally clearer
than the ocean wind
only weeds still tangled up in my toes

door open
suddenly shut close
bolts ******* outside my mind
from the constant banging

I tried so hard
duct taping it into place
permanently
to let the breeze flow in

sadly the monster
keeps creeping in
closing the door behind him
over and over again

your touch was rejected
like a spoonful of sugar in my coffee
but still you stirred in with your burning hands
destroying my taste once and for all

once sober, I withdrew from the devil’s chalice
only way my crippled eyes can now see
but still I queue up for a comforting cup
like them all, i order, one normal life from the tap

one after one, being thrown into trash
no significance to it, never enough
black coffee repeatedly spilled upon my white sheets,
as my embarrassment pours in with the greatest of heaps