Love settles in the back of my head and chest, but if love was a thought it was a feeling in the time of sadness which is all the time of course, sadness does not exist without reality and reality be nothing without despair. The balance of life is not black in white, yin or yen,  or happiness and sadness it is sadness and less sadness because sadness with always cover everyones head with the veil of death because death, is inevitable and death brings sadness therefor sadness is inevitable.

Death lines the corners of my mouth waiting to be inhaled as i smoke my first and maybe last cigarette maybe last because I can die at any moment.

Its not that Im ashamed of being sad or depressed its just that I dont want to be a burden or a disappointment, and I dont want my parents to think its their fault.

wow i loved you just to be stripped
of my trust for you, you said that
i looked sad then you asked why
and after a while i told you
and you looked at me with sad eyes and said
"i wont let anything hurt you"
but then you turned around
and slit my wrists yourself
and there i was
foolish enough to give you another chance..
and not even a week later
i hear that you're coming back for me
with a knife and now
you are going to try to end my life
before you end the relationship
that shouldn't have existed in the first place
.becasue that would hurt much less

It was the summer of 2014.
We were dating.
And every day we were together I would wake up and look at myself in the mirror and wonder why you wanted me
And the day you broke up
With me i woke up at looked at myself again
And I saw nothing
There was only a shadow of what I thought I was
I looked and looked and looked and I still couldn't find who I was before you ruined me
I'm praying that one day I will wake up and find myself
The person I used to be before the wreckage

A:Just speak and you shall be heard.
  
B:My dear it is not a simple trial. To be heard you must have faith and I,  my dear am the most faithless of them all. To be heard you have to be brave and I,  my dear  am not as brave as I was when I was just a new soul.

A:Well my love how do you expect to be heard if you don't have a voice?

B:Honestly my dear I lost that when I was screaming out my love for life maybe that's why I hate it so much.

What are you supposed to do when you are at edge but you have no one to step back for?...All there's left to do is ...jump.

And suddenly I remembered that you hugged me while I was wearing this sweater and I instantly wanted to rip it off if my body and throw it into dante's inferno in hopes that the memory of you would burn with it. I'm not sure why the thought of you is so painful but it might have to do with the fact that loving you was such a waste of time

Streams flow from my eyes
The road of loneliness twist and turns down my spine
Wrists like oak trees with carved memories of loved ones souls
Fingertips as delicate and cold as an alabaster snowflake
Wind chills my body; it feels the way it felt when I lost my soul
Now I lie empty and cold wondering the amount of time it would take to build a new one
…A heart that is… it fell and broke like the glass that it is
When you tore my soul from underneath me
Like a terrible way to impress a love interest at a dinner
I’m scarred
The memory of the day you told me that your are not mentally physically and emotionally devoted to my whole being
As I am to you

I was sitting in my now hollowed out room
emptied for the transition to our new house.
There were memories.
Countless jokes, tears, fascinations, and obsessions.
To leave them all behind would be a crime,
so i sat there trying to remember  every second, letter,
music note that ever existed in that room.
Surprisingly i came up with only one word.
You
You were the only thing i could remember about myself.
As if you created  my entire being.
Maybe you did.
Maybe all there is to me is you.
*Maybe thats why i feel so empty now that you're gone.

okay so think of yourself as a separate being. detached from the earth and its functions.

every speck of dust has its own meaning

i think about the world in ways that are too hard for even me to understand. every small speck of dust came from somewhere. The earth was created by the  pure desire of the celestial beings in outer space. They thought of us, so we were. And i may not believe in god but i do believe the world was meant to be here. I believe everything has an equal or opposite reaction and i believe we have a purpose. Not a purpose or a duty to the world or the universe but a duty to yourself. i think everyones one true duty is to find absolute happiness before the end of their days or die trying.

the atmosphere is filled with invisible beings and even every one of those has a meaning.
i came across this video the other night and this beautiful human was speaking about how we as humans are too scared of vulnerability. I think she is so right. we are living our lives day by day by day and we keep everything in for ourselves because we fear rejection and we feel like a burden to everyone we speak to and that is not how it should be. i thin we should go back to days where human emotion meant something to everyone. when it was valued. right now we are all so ******* in what everyone thinks of our tears that we forget to let them out. and tears a corrosive they will destroy you from the inside out if you don’t let them go in time and i just think its so vital to be in touch with yourself to remember to not destroy you r mind. we need to take care of ourselves. and i can see that, even as a person who doesn't take care of herself i know that there is value in us as people.

we live in a world of people who can do so much to change the world and make it a better place but we are so hell bent on keeping everything for ourselves that we are doing more damage.  
somehow i want to be someone to unite people for the better and eliminate all of the harmful forces in the world. it seems unrealistic but i am not looking for realistic i am looking for optimistic

When I said
I wanted to fall in love
I did not mean
I wanted to bleed

I was About 15 extremely naive
Love seemed like a big word to me
Said time and Time again
I did not know that  word would make me spend my summer nights drinking *****
In my closet at 3 in the morning.

Now I'm about 16 wondering why I dream of that word
Why do I wish to fall in love
Even after I know last time I Almost died
It won't be metaphorically speaking when someone says "she died of a broken heart"
I will be gone...and the reason is love.
I am literally dying of a broken heart but you don't seem to give many *****.

If I
Spoke my mind
I'd probably
Just end up
Talking
To myself
Because
No one
Wants to hear
My thoughts.
They are vicious.
They are cruel.

I think of suicide
I think of committing suicide
I don't know if I would commit suicide
But I sure want to try

Now, folks
This is not a question of whether or not I will.
It's a question of why I want to
I'm not sure why though.
Maybe it's the worthlessness if feel in the pit of my stomach every time I look in the mirror.
Maybe it's that I feel trapped all the time..even in open spaces.
Maybe I feel alone when everyone's around.
Maybe, just maybe I'm tired of feeling like this...maybe I'm over it.

The morning was an" I love you" and the night was an "Im with someone else now." .

It looks like I should start  standing  for something about now because I really do fall for everything.

I don't say "hopefully" anymore because that implies that I have hope.

what would you think of me if i told you that i label the passing of years by what boy was breaking my heart at the time?

My life may be dull
But it sure is dull.


There's nothing else to it.
I'm bored and I want to die.

Every time my heart gets broken it feels like the first time.

just one cut but it wont count
two shots to keep my lunch down
a couple pills and i hope i drown

I never knew that the instinct that is supposed to save my life would destroy me

for someone who wants to die i am pretty terrified that death is surrounding me

I may be dead inside but i walk like i could **** a man and i'll love you until it hurts.

I guess I'm just going to have to be okay with being your sometimes.

I've been asleep for so long but I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of the rain dissolving the soil  
every time I start to fall asleep again I feel slightly suffocated by my thoughts
and then I think of you
I think of you here
but the thing is that it scares me
all of the what ifs and the uncertainty of it all
you probably don't even want to see me

the
urge
to
inflict
pain
on
myself
is
unbearable

never open up because
someone will plant a bomb
where your heart belongs
and it will destroy you
tear you to shreds
you will disintegrate
don't open up
its not worth the heartbreak
save yourselves
because i couldn't save myself

give me a reminder of why my existence is even relevant in life.

It is so easy to think badly of yourself if you don't know why someone stopped loving you.

If you take a moment
to turn off all of the sounds of the world
you can still hear her footsteps.
she walks like poetry.
she has a different meaning to everyone.
and whether its good or bad
she will make you feel something.

Do you know the meaning of "stop and frisk"?
I'm sorry black brother, you do.
Have you ever had to change your voice in order to get a job?
I'm sorry black sister, you have.
Have you ever had to remove your hijab because you needed to take a flight?
I'm sorry brown girl, you have.
Has anyone ever insisted you have extensive knowledge on every school subject?
I'm sorry yellow friend, someone has.
Have you ever been told to go back to your country, despite the fact that you're already there?
I'm sorry red man, you have.
Have you ever been called and illegal immigrant, but you were born in the u.s?
I'm sorry Latino friend, you have.
Have you ever been told that racism doesn't exist and, by someone with pale skin?
I know I have.

So this is to the ones who have been told that they "aren't black enough" because they use proper grammar and their pants don't sag.
The brown boys with beards that get called "towel heads"
To the Asian kids that are just as smart as the next guy.
To the native Americans that still get called Indians.
To the brown girls that get told that they don't have to wear their scarves because "we're in America"

The leaves turn from green to red as your face turns from pale to amber in two seconds
my hands go to greet yours as if to say " its ok the danger is gone"
the earthquakes in your palms seem to be the cause of the continental drift
but even though the land under our feet have rapidly parted i still find it hard to not fight  your battles for you
remind you that your loss of a friend to suicide does not represent a decrease in your value

Who do you tell that you need them
When supposedly someone else needs them more ?

Who do you run to when you want to run away but you  know you need to stay ?

Where do you go when you've been everywhere but no one wants you anymore ?

How can  I feel anything but abandonment when everyone lies about their love for me?

I am literally so concerned for your well being that i cannot sleep at night.
I lay awake for the 10 hours i would usually sleep.
My body trembles at the thought of you being unhappy with life.
I want nothing more than to spend my life with you,
except to see you happy, i want that more than anything.
I would give you all the oxygen that has flowed through my lungs in the 16 years of my life, just to see you smile and oh dear god i know i want to see you smile.
Your smile makes me feel like there actually is a god and i am an atheist.
The way my hands fit yours makes me want to believe that the stars shine just for us.
I cant even begin to think of a world where you don't exist
because it would be a world where my happiness doesn't exist