“i am tired of dreaming about you,” i try desperately to sound indifferent, but my eyes are watering and he knows he knows he knows--

he smirks, closing the gap between us with only a step. “i am the only thing you will ever dream about,” he murmurs.

he’s so much more than meets the eye
he’s the scars on his body and how he will tell you the story of where they came from a million times
he’s his clammy hands and the way he will hold yours against his chest and grin when you keep it there
he’s the way he brushes your hair behind your shoulder as you speak
he’s his contagious laugh and how his eyes squint at the corners or the dimples in his cheeks
he’s his tight hugs and on his really good days the way he picks you up in his grasp
he’s his adventurous nature and the way his company makes you feel alive and at home all at once
but he’s also the way he shuts you out when he hurts you because he can’t face the fact that he did
he’s he fits of jealousy and how ridiculously he can act
he’s his urge to numb himself and his hate for life because he thinks it’s so pointless
he’s his bad days where you sit on the phone reminding him that he’s worth more than he puts himself through
he’s his snap decisions where he doesn’t think of the consequences of anything he does
he’s all of this and more
he’s intelligent
kind
handsome
reckless
amusing
good hearted
passionate
he’s perfect in his own way and i was in love with him
my god, i was so in love with him
still am really
but i can’t be anymore
two years later and i have to let him go
because i still have the small hope that i might get him back
that it wasn’t all for nothing
we feel unfinished, but maybe that’s just how some things end
i know i would go back to him at the drop of a dime because he was my everything and i miss him so much my chest aches
but i suppose some people just weren’t meant to be
i never fell out of love, i just accepted he wasn’t in it anymore and let it go
so this is the last time i will write about him even though as i finish this there’s so much more i could say
we might have been a mess
complete chaos really
but he made me feel safe and loved and important
i would never be able to thank him for all he’s done for me and how he’s helped me grow
even with the **** he put me through i always forgave and defended him, or tried to, because that was my boy and i loved him
he’s the best first love i could have asked for
he’s one of my best friends
he’s one of the best people i know
and he’s going to do amazing things in life and grow to be an amazing man

"How do you fall out of love?
You don't talk with them, you'll fall into old habits. You go to the place you got together and fill it with new memories, so meeting them will be just another one in the past. You wash your sheets and clothing so nothing smells like them. You distract yourself so your brain eventually gets used to not thinking about them. You list everything that made them perfect and tell yourself these qualities can exist in anyone. You tell yourself that it means nothing when you hear their laugh again, everyone has one. Above all, you accept that none of this will work. You can't make yourself fall out of love, all you can really do is wait."

- Excerpt from a book I'll never write #623 (s.s)

you hit my phone up
"any chance you're awake"
during the late hours
in your intoxicated state

s.s

dear you,
I don’t know why I still write about you, whatever we had cease to exist, but I guess that’s another concept I cannot wrap my head around.
Half of me screams out that I’m over you, and the other half is still very much in love with you, quite the turmoil you’ve created within my heart.
Some days you don’t cross my mind, and others you’re all my mind wanders to.
Everything reminds me of you though, in some aspect at least.
I cannot stop associating things with the golden haired boy who was the physical form of sunshine with the dazzling blue eyes that looked like the ocean.
The sun feels different now, I hate to go outside and feel it because it makes me feel how you did, you were the sun, you still are.
The ocean makes me sick and pitiful, when I go near I a tempted to drown myself in its glisten, the glisten that’s shared with your eyes.

I still care for you, with all of my heart.
I always find myself wanting to tell you certain things like “you should get some sleep darling it’s getting late” or “I hope you’ve eaten good today” or simply asking if you’re okay, but I stop myself because that’s not my position any longer.

I want to stop loving you and I promise I will eventually
the idea of you is still every much infatuated by my heart
my god i promise to stop loving you, we’re different people now.

I promise,,