When did this problem come along
As we divide ourselves while subtracting souls
There is no plus to any of this

What one and one used to do
Equalled out to the count of two
That must have been the old arithmetic

Now one and one are on their own
Finding it hard to add things up
When mostly now life is just a guess

Used to be as easy as one, two, three
Then we add in this minus society
And the problem that we have is with the math

I have my dad's frown lines on my forehead
but I've never seen him cry.
I hear my mother weep for the days gone by
wails in the bathroom echo on the hollow walls
the house they built together
He said it's over
I replied, "Alright"
as if it would ever be alright again
as if I'd ever figure out how to trust a man
Last night I dreamt of Dad showing Mom his new house
watched them like old friends
I woke up and laughed
wishful thinking
frown lines

It’s crawling up the drain pipe,
It’s crawling in your bed,
It’s coming back to remind you
Of everything you said.

It’s standing by the broken lamp
That used to light your way,
It’s filling in the empty spaces
When you’ve nothing left to say.

It’s fogging up the window,
So close you cannot breathe,
It’s watching you undress,
It’s watching you retreat-

Into your habits,
Into your sheets,
It’s waking you up
When you’re trying to sleep.

Into your whiskey,
Into your tea,
It’s spiking your food,
It’s all you can see.

It’s the rat inside the wedding cake,
It’s the rain on a perfect day,
It’s the wind that rattles everything,
Every cymbal in your brain.

It’s coming from the blind side,
It’s arriving without warning,
It’s brave and dark in the moonlight,
It’s small and fearful in the morning.

It’s Muhammed in the headlines,
It’s Jesus on the cross,
It’s the bias in the history books,
It’s the meaning that got lost.

It’s playing on your heartstrings,
A song you cannot sing,
A broken piece you cannot fix,
The calm the pills don’t bring.

Into your pockets,
Into your blood,
It’s getting to you
Much more than it should.

Into your mirror,
Into the screen,
All that you feel, all that you see
Are ever-decreasing spirals
And absent routine;

It’s pacing the halls,
It muffles your scream,
It’s holding your tongue,
It’s the mould in the crumb,
It’s the secret you keep from everyone.

It’s the reason why you stay inside,
Why walking the street,
Why leaving the house
Is like turning the tide.

It’s the jet-lag gloom
It’s the familiar ache
That weighs you down
Every time you wake.

It’s crawling up the phantom limb,
It’s the corpses in the sea,
It’s the debris that covers everything,
This constant anxiety.

you are eighteen and you're in love
with a boy who hates his birthday.
you don't know it yet,
but the world gets so much bigger than the back of his car.
you think he needs you to be happy and so does he
but both of you are wrong.
it'll take you almost a year to stop crying.
and then you don't talk for another three
and when you finally do,
he thinks he still knows you,
but your heart is heavier than it was then.
and you **** him because you're lonely
but it isn't the same.
neither of you can fake love.
at least he still makes you laugh.
you'll pretend it's enough
because at least he's a body.
at least you're not by yourself.
at least you're alive
and you're good at *******.
because bodies are distractions
from the things we hide inside them.
you have him inside you
and he wants to gut you of your ugly, your sad.
he scrambles for an excuse not to stay the night
and you laugh.
you know what this is and how it goes
and you both love someone else.
you swear you won't **** him again
but you do anyway because you're still lonely
and you like the way his hands fit around your neck.
you **** him because it's good for your art
and you get bored of your own hands on your body
and you're fine with letting him feel useful.
and you think about when you were sixteen
and how *** was supposed to be special
and it makes you cry
because you're not who you wanted to be.
it makes you cry, because the world got so much bigger
after you left the backseat of his car.
the world is so big and you don't know
how it ended up on your shoulders.
you would have died for him.
you have been ready to die for every person you have ever loved.
you have dreams where he dies
and you can't save him.
you have dreams where people die
and you can't save them
and you're the one who tied your hands.
your mangled heart and all its bleeding.
nobody asked you to die.
what good is all the love in your chest
if you don't leave any for yourself?

- m.f.

Almost bought some clothes for you, instead I got a Rose for you
And I chose a Lily 'cuz don’t **** me but it reminds me of you silliness
The Daffodils were really wet, so I took two trips
'Cuz you’re cooler than these other Tulips
I picked you this Daisy because you raised me
A Dahli to say I’m sorry, an Iris since you forgave me
For you gave me the most important in growth
I was your Sunflower, now look at what I’m becoming
You’re my flower darling, I’ll always keep the flowers coming

i remember his collarbones
and the heat of his body

the way it felt so solid under mine
i wonder if anything would've changed

if i had reached for his hair
if i had touched him

and the way he was

would it have changed
would i have changed

running desperately
my feet are tired
arms are sore
there's a crick in my neck
a pain in my back

i feel my age
i feel aged

would anything have changed
if i had reached out
and felt his heart
with the palms of my hands

it's in the echo of my voice coming back to me
sitting on the bed of a packed room

the spaces on the walls
where my pictures used to be

a slow dwindling of faces that i saw every week
people increasingly passed out passing out passing by

it was the slow changes in the air and the frequency
with which the sun let its rays drop

the slow wave of people ebbing around
and how much stuff i suddenly had
and then just didn't

why does this world curve the way it does?
i don't ask for the physics but the philosophy

how will i see your face one day when we're the only ones left?
this world after all curves you away from me

oceans and continents
my home split into two my people split into two
torn between different countries continents
ways of living

my life packed into boxes and suitcases
maybe it's not at all it's written up to be
but it's been a great ride

and i let life take care of me
but your face moves and so does mine
it shifts
and i wonder if i ever needed the world to be flat

familiar is nice
change is difficult
i state the obvious but
my heart is in my throat
my hands shake and my legs aren't enough to support me
my my my my my

i don't know where this feeling inside of me began
and i don't know where it ends

i remain perched on the precipice of life
making my calculations
even as winds change
i'm always a step a beat behind
barely anything but that makes all the difference

your heart thumping next to my ear
i hear it and i can't even focus on
what you say
your hand is on my head my shoulders
my hips my back
i hear only the thump-1-2-thump-1-2-thump
and i wonder if my heart beats faster
and i want it so desperately not to
i wonder if this is your usual heart rate
i want to study you and take your pulse every day
find how often this heart rate comes to you
is this faster than normal? is this slower than normal?
is this normal?

i hear the steady beating of your heart and i can hear
your throat
rumble above me and your chest responds and i hear
i hear the pumping of air in and out of your lungs
the hands that are in my hair, on my shoulders, hips, back
nowhere inappropriate
and my legs are beside yours

and i wish i had the courage right now to sit on your lap
look deep into your eyes and kiss your hands and
ask for you
and for your attention and love
have you at my feet
carressing the spine of the arch of my feet
with your finger pads
like you caress my hair right now
i want to nibble on your pulse, your throat and kiss
the chest cavity that hides the thump-1-2-thump-1-2

i want to hear your voice rumble above me in laughter
and hear you hum close to my ears
i want to hold your hands and kiss the fingerpds
that you touch my feet with
i want to stroke your back when you're upset
and hide you away when you're upset
because i know, like me,
you never liked letting people see you cry

i want to wrap my hands around you and scratch you on your head
behind your ears
i want to be the one to make you laugh

i want to be the one you talk about and blush
the one always on your mind

i want to sit uncomfortably close to you
and initiate contact
make you go red with a peck on the cheek
hear you thump-1-2-thump-1-2 faster
when i lie beside you to watch a movie
or just talk
stare at the ceiling or stars
something


i wish and i wonder
if i only like you because
i can hear that thump-1-2-thump-1-2
in my ears whenever
i have need of you

but you
you never felt the same way,
did you?

i freeze when i look at you
and i get a little breathless when i see you smile
when i see you walk
sit or lie down and
i lose my breath a little bit more
when i see you

but i always see you with someone by your side
or you don't see me and
and i don't think this is a safe bet
i don't get close
i don't play vulnerable
lovestruck
or infatuated
my neck feels good against your hands, i hope
because your hands sure as hell feel great against mine
*but i don't do vulnerable
lovestruck or infatuated