i swore i didn’t want anything more
feeling free since july nineteenth
the lack of adoration for another person felt like release
but as i lay here
imagining what it would feel like to have someone’s arms wrapped around me
holding on tight as if i was their most valued possession
i am fleeting back into the desire to have a heart that isn’t mine beat for me so rapidly
as if it’s trying to keep me and mine alive.

thank you.
thank you for being my best friend.
thank you for running through the streets of las vegas barefoot at 3 in the morning with me.
thank you for forcing me to adventure with you at first.
thank you for being the reason so many other amazing people are a part of my life.
thank you for introducing me to the reasons why being alive is not a burden.
thank you for being my rock.
thank you for not giving up on me, even when i lash out at you and say the most hurtful things any being could say.
thank you for letting me know when i go too far.
thank you for helping me when you knew i went off the deep end.
thank you for calling 911 that night.
thank you.

you are the reason i am alive.
you are the reason i am who i am.
you are the reason i am no longer scared.

your fiery eccentric self fades indefinitely into me. opposites truly do attract. thank you for being my reason for being. thank you for sharing your warmth and color with me. thank you.

(now this, this may not sound much like a poem. but you, you sound like a poem to me.)

you play me like a game of jenga.

you build me up one by one,
and shortly after,
pick me apart piece by piece.

until all of me tumbles down.

feelings of heartbreak explained in a simple quad.

one ; shock
panic. youre being left behind. even if you saw it coming, you never expected it. this is when you cant seem to tell yourself to stop and breathe. choking on tears that havent fell from your eyes yet. frozen in time. you will remember this moment forever.

two; realization
despair. youve been left behind. you know that for sure now. you realize what has been done. this is what makes you collapse into your sheets. this time you choke on real tears. you scream and scream into your pillow. you will do this for weeks.

three; longing
aching. youve been left behind for a little while now. your heart still aches for someone who has started to forget about you. this is what makes you yearn for the love of a person who you dont speak to anymore in hopes of the pain subsiding for just a minute while you hear their voice. this is what makes you act out in hopes of gaining their attention just one more time. this time you choke on words left unsaid. i miss you will repeat incessantly in your head. you will do this for months.

four; healing
recovery. youve been left behind for months now,
but it doesnt really matter anymore. you will never forget, but youve accepted that. this is what makes you feel strong. this is what makes life feel fulfilled even though that person isnt in it anymore. this time you choke on the words you speak as you explain why you spent so much time trying to gain a persons attention who tossed you away like a sheet of paper. their name will no longer ring in your mind. you will do this for the rest of your life.