currently i feel like downing my 90 day supply of fluoxetine, the 30ish days of sleep meds i have left, all my moms pills, and the hydrocodone we have left, take a bath, and slice my skin till im nothing but cuts

Driven in the mind
Broken soul
She carries her body
Like her heart

She'll break you apart
If you come too close
Only to be too far

In her art
She paints the sheets
With the colors of the soul
Putting her lonely life
At ease

The calmness of the river
Reflects in the deep waters
When she thinks

She's my lady
And I love her madly

my first crush committed suicide.
i remember the hurt at a young age
from chasing him around his living room
begging him for a kiss.
from my young age i knew i wanted him
in my life forever.
through his weaves and gagging
running around the furniture and up the stairs,
losing him sounded foreign then
and having lost him now, still feels the same.
our fathers drank and our mothers giggled
born three months apart
our future planned together
both saying "i do"
uniting us all together.
life flew on by
us both fighting with ourselves
and downing the bottles underneath the bed
loaded and silenced
family portraits painted in red
long life memories all put to rest.
only one made it out alive
but it's hard to breathe
out of us how was it me
and you in a little box
where a diamond ring should be.
my mind keeps wondering
when will i stop chasing you
then my heart replays
every time you turned a corner
you looked over your shoulder
and how you smiled at me.

she was

the bright morning sky

she was

the sun shining bright

she was

the sky up high

like unfathomable light

she was

like a star

too far away to reach

she was me

and i used to be her

Am I loved?
Do I matter?

Do others love me?
How long will they care?

Is it enough to just love myself?
Can I too end that loving?

No
It is primary
And can never be taken away

For I am love

Our lives were always
so interconnected,
so entwined.

Despite her years
of pain
and suffering,
her concern
for my wellbeing
was always
evident.

Since her death
my own health
has
miraculously
improved.
I am fitter now
than I have been
for years.

This morning
I awoke
to the most absurd
thought:
did she die
that I might live?