Hi.

I don't know why I just felt like writing to you today. It's 4:39 AM, and it's funny how I just re-read the last conversation we had, even though the only thing left is what you said.

Well, I'm writing to say that I've finally healed. I can finally say this, that I've completely healed. And with this, I wanna say (from the bottom of my heart) that I'm sorry. I said plenty of hurtful words that you don't deserve. You've been kind to me, you were there when I needed someone to listen, you became a friend to me. A true friend, and what did I give back in return? Pain. There's no enough sorry to remove the sins I did to you. I'm still bothered by what I did actually. I kept saying to myself that that's the only way that I can forget, but it's funny how up until now I can't forget. Maybe it's karma for me. That I can't forget a person that made me feel special. So, I apologize once again.

It's really funny how after six months there's still no changes in my life. I'm still stuck in my room. The words I said before, like how I would like to talk to you again after six months, I was hoping that my life would be better. But yep, after six--no seven actually, I still am here, stuck. And I still can't trust other people, and the person I've thought when I'm not okay and I'm in a fight with my bf, is you. You're the only friend I've considered in this life. But, I hope that soon I can meet other people who I can trust the same thing as how I trusted you.

And I also wanna say, even though it's ironic and hypocrite of me to say, that I hope you're happy. I hope you're smiling. I hope you have someone to tell your small and trivial things again. From the very bottom of my heart, I hope you're smiling genuinely. And I hope those people you trust and keep won't betray or leave you.

Every single one of us aren't born perfect.
Some may have more, some may have less.
But there will be no one who have enough, perfectly.

Imperfect is the word, but not exactly depicts the meaning of it.
No man is an island, as they say,
I understood it the way it should be understood.

We are all perfectly imperfect to someone.
An imperfectness in which we can belong to, we can match onto.
An imperfect person that makes every memory perfect.

Why have I forgotten this day?
This day was one of the happiest.
It made me happy, even just for hours.
The sunflower bloomed,
Looked up to the sky, smiled and said,
"I like how the sky always smile at me,
Like how problems disappear on its blue,
bright place..."

"But, I'm thankful that it's with you,"
"If it's you, it's enough,"
I kept these words of yours with a safety lock,
whenever we have an argument that even Greek gods and goddesses can't comprehend.

Sometimes we talk about future.
'Pressured' is not the term you felt whenever I spoke of that word.
You show reality to me instead and try to give me reassuring words,
focusing more on the present.

Future is something I like to talk about.
Consistency is something I treasure most.
You aren't scared of both,
and you are willing to give them to me without hesitation.

I'm spontaneous and you know it.
You know I love talking about fantasies, destiny, and everything that isn't logical at all.
And you remembering the small things that I say makes my heart dance.
Promising to do them with me is an icing on the cake.

This year will be tough, tougher than the last,
but we can get through this.
Like the "Start Up" k-drama that we last watched,
we can also do this.
We will be successful!

𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐝,
easy to say,
difficult to feel.

meaningless,
it's so ironic that this word has meaning while calling itself meaningless

but maybe that's how life is,
people move,
animals survive,
things innovate.

but for what?
some may say it's for convenience,
for a better world to live in.
but is the world getting better?

day by day, we lose purpose and we gain some at the same time,
life is ironic, and yet has its own system
that people live, to live
and people survive, to survive

I don't even know the purpose of this writing
but these words keep pouring
trying to make sense, but don't make sense at the same time.

people come, people go
we cry, we laugh, we feel
sometimes emptiness comes,
and we came to the age where people usually say that everything that's happening is normal.

are all of these normal?
or are we just getting used to these?

are you scared, little one?
uncertainties,
changes,
uncomforts,
life.

what did you feel when you read those words, little one?
fear,
pain,
scared,
running away.

we often get scared,
we often get scarred.

but at the end of the day,
those words will always be there,
haunting us,
affecting us,
stirring us.

let's have the pain be the building blocks of our strength, little one.
change is something that we need to embrace.

Tears fall
Leaves fall
When will they stay
Weather changes
Clock ticks
Change is fast before we even knew
He is there
She is where, nowhere to be found
Their timing isn't great
But,
Can change set them together again?

For this day, a lot of thoughts has been going through my mind. Is this the saddest Christmas? Or the Christmas where we realized that things aren't the way as they were before?

For a person who loves to make other people laugh,
She doesn't know when her laugh is real.
It got to the point where she got used to laughing,
She thought she's happy all the time.
Maybe she is, maybe she's genuinely happy all the time.
Who knows?

For a person who loves to assure other people they're safe,
She prefers danger more than anything.
She chooses danger, and private every single time decision has to be made.
She allows danger to take her over.
Maybe she just doesn't know what it feels to choose something that's safe that can make her happy.
Maybe she's just used to feeling the excitement brought by danger.
Who knows?

For a person who gives love so easily,
She never knows what love really is.
She maybe knowing how she loves, and she's been looking for it everywhere.
She's about to give up looking for that love, the same love that she gives to people.
Maybe she just wants to feel that love, the love that she provides.
Who knows?

For a person who wants others to experience true happiness everywhere she goes,
She only experienced happiness that came from danger, secrecy, privacy and everything that's wrong.
She has never experienced happiness that came from peace.

For a girl that wants purity and integrity so bad,
She has been living a life full of mystery, secrets, and lies.

She's scared that no one will ever understand her.
She's scared that no one will ever see her.
She's scared that she might not be able to forgive herself.

Madaming daan
Hindi alam kung saan magsisimula
Madaming pagpipilian
Hindi alam kung bakit nag-aalangan
Sa kung anong dapat puntahan

Kaliwa?
Kanan?
Diretso?
Atras?

May mga pagpipilian pero hindi malaman
Tutuloy ba?
Titigil ba?
Susundin ba ang puso?
O ang nararapat?

i have experienced darkness before

some darkness felt peaceful, that i can fall asleep
some darkness felt painful, that i nearly cut my bedsheets through my nails
some darkness felt sorrowful, that i feel like i have an infinite amount of tears i could produce
some darkness felt wrong, that i had been stuck in it for so long i forgot what is right
some darkness felt suffocating, that i barely remembered how to breathe

but the darkness that i'm most scared of
is the darkness of emptiness.
this darkness felt hollow,
i don't feel alive yet i'm moving
i don't feel anything, yet i'm strongly feeling everything
every agony, pain, joy, i feel them all strongly
yet i feel nothing at all
i feel like i want to scream, but there would be no sounds from within
i'm a ghost, in a human's body
and i don't know how long i'd be hollow.

this might be my silent call for help.

"It's better to be scared than to be hurt."

"He was never the type of a patient man.
He always gets annoyed whenever something goes wrong
Abruptly, as if he didn't plan well enough.
He was the type of guy who will immediately give up
To the thing he knows he can handle by tomorrow.
He was someone that is somehow slightly feared by anyone
Judging from the cold stares he had given to others
Whenever their opinion doesn't match with his principles.
He was the type of man that was logical enough to weigh things before acting on his own will.

Until he met this woman.

She was the opposite of him.
A tragic combination of mood swings, capricious traits, and a train of overflowing emotions.
Her temper change so quickly that it would be a disgrace to match it up with a horse running full speed.
She always seeks for attention and assurance as if talking 24 hours a day isn't enough.
She... She's a disaster and storm in one.

Though there is a thing that they are similar on,
She is also not the type of a patient woman.

Later that night, she thought to herself,
"Am I that hard of a person to understand?"
"Am I that hard to love, that even my family is so conscious of their acts towards me?"
"Am I that complicated?"

Until she met him.

He suddenly became so patient, not everyone could ever expect it to happen.
She was inspired by the patience he gave, that her unpredictable emotions gradually became stable, little by little,
As if being logical was something she's born with.
He carefully tried to understand every word she spouts, every mood she acts, and every situation she is under, just to let her know that he is always there.
She also became stronger, voicing out her feelings to the world, and realizing that no one would really understand her if she doesn't speak up.
He became so soft as a bunny, that his wolf-state back then went so far away,
So far away, a naked eye can't even see.
She calmed herself down.
He lowered his guard down.
But only just for her.

Another night has passed, and she thought to herself again,
"I won't ask how but,"
"No one could handle myself, like how he handles me."

Still curious, she said to herself,
"That's a first, I dare say,"
"And that's enough.""

'emotions' are louder,
and stronger,
than 'thoughts'

people who can control the former are powerful
but,
people who can understand the former
are beyond comparable, and beyond powerful
and the world needs more of them.

The leaves keep falling
as if its their daily routine.
When will it stop?
Fall isn't my favorite season,
for I always see the beautiful scenario caused by the leaves
that have fallen from breaking apart.

her heart is ripped
like how scissors cut a paper
like a storm between paradise
like a trust, broken into pieces

how can she ever get her heart back?
her whole heart
that loved shamelessly
that loved nothing else but to be happy

she can't think of anything that will distance the sadness
apart from herself;
that will remove the pain
causing the broken parts locked in chains

how to fix a shattered soul?
where one reason could be the source
and that reason can't be known
for a bomb can explode

heart in anguish
and she, herself, could be the reason
bloodshot eyes
the tears of the fallen optimist

The reason why we hesitate to make a choice is because of the things we have to let go of.
Even if we know they aren't ours, still, we aren't used to losing them.

ever feel so lost
you didn't even see the arrows
that's right in front of you

"there are people waiting to meet you.
people waiting to love you.
there are places that stand still
until you've stepped foot in them.
something really beautiful
could happen for you in the morning.
there is so much waiting for your arrival.
arrive there."

- brianna pastor

I already said my final bye to the skies.
You love staring at them right?
I hope you can find my last goodbye while you stare at it.
Thank you for everything, I will never forget you.

Whatever this was
I knew the color wasn't that black
Rainbow came once,
The smile on my face can't be moved

But then, the glow fades
Darkness grew again
Burst into fire
The growth of the flames is within me

How can someone be this sad?
No one asked if rainbow is really a happy color
People just assumed
Like how most of us fake positivity

When will that day come?
When hurt is no more
All colors are neutral
Happiness is within

I can't wait 'til that day comes
Where I can finally say
Black is a good thing,
In order to appreciate the new color

he loves being logical on things
yet the only thing he can't be logical on
is me

His existence felt surreal.
Reading his name makes her heart want to get out of her chest.
His voice, it's her favorite.
She could listen to him speak, if forever is possible she would.
She could stare at his eyes, and it would make her feel like she traveled millions of galaxies.
Like she traveled to every planet, every country, every place that exists in this universe.
He's her dreamcatcher.
She couldn't help but smile at his presence despite all the problems and nightmares this world could offer.
It's like, smiling and laughing are the most natural things to do in this world every time she's with him.
He's her sea.
She got sick of the land, the sea calmed her.
Her hidden expressions, hidden thoughts... he could read her like a book.
It's too early to tell, and she has no idea how to support her claim, but for her, he's her soulmate.
The string that she thought is temporary, after all these years, was still intact.
It's a string that, she knew in herself, won't get cut off.
No matter the time, location, timing, and instance they were.
It's just... there.
And would just be there.
Strings that are connected, not tight, but secure.
And if words could describe why and how it happened, she would.

hindi ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit siya nakangiti
hindi ikaw ang unang una niyang maiisip
sa unang pagbukas ng kanyang mga matang nakapikit;
hindi ikaw ang kanyang unang kakausapin
sa tuwing siya'y masaya,
malungkot, nagdudusa, at nasasaktan
hindi rin ikaw ang unang taong kailangan niya
tuwing siya'y nakakaramdam ng pagiging mag-isa

hindi talaga 'ikaw.'

ang ikaw na palaging siya ang iniisip
unang pagmulat pa lang ng mata sa umaga
ang ikaw na bukambibig ang pangalan niya
kahit ang iba'y rinding rindi na
ang ikaw na palaging nag-aabang sa pinto
nagbabakasaling babalik siya
at ang ikaw na naghihintay
kahit nakakagago na

hindi rin ikaw, at hinding hindi magiging ikaw
ang 'siya' na gusto niya
ang siya na importante sa buhay niya
na kahit ano mang pagsubok, ay siya at siya pa rin
ang siya na palagi niyang binabati ng magandang umaga
ang siya na ang mundo niya
at ang siya na kahit kailan
ay hindi magiging ikaw

hindi ikaw,

hindi talaga ikaw ang huli niyang maiisip
bago niya ipikit muli ang kanyang mga mata
hindi ikaw ang masayang kaganapan na maaalala niya tuwing siya'y nalulungkot
at hindi ikaw ang isang pulang rosas na kanyang pinili sa hardin ng iba't ibang bulaklak

kahit kailan naman ay hindi naging ikaw
hindi naging ikaw ang "siya" at "tayo" na iniisip niya
hindi naging ikaw ang pinaplano niyang masayang panimula pagkatapos ng masakit na katapusan
hindi naging ikaw, at hindi magiging ikaw

dahil iba ang "ikaw" at "siya"
ang siya na pilit niyang kinukuha ang atensyon
at ikaw na pilit namang kinukuha ang atensyon na hindi para sayo.