It was never easy.

Life was never easy. Life, that I know, is a series of ups and downs, as cliche as it sounds. My life right now is at the rock bottom. I do experience happiness, from time to time and I get to experience the whole joy of experiencing the happy moments because of the bottom pits of hell I'm experiencing right now and I'm thankful. But all of my problems now are bearable. Bearable to the point that I know everything has a solution. All of my problems has a solution, except for one.

It was you.

I considered you before as a light on the deep end of this dark pit tunnel, and I also told you that verbatim. You were the peace I have never experienced, and I was grateful. Out of all the people I met, I thought you were the person who will show me why it didn't work out with anyone else. But life surprises me in a way I certainly did not expect.

You became the problem I cannot solve. I now run away from you. I now hate myself each and every time we talk, either in messages or in person. It feels like my worth is gradually falling. You became so unavailable, it reminded me of my parents. I always tell myself to not settle, and to not lower down to what I do not deserve, yet my heart is weak whenever you are present. My heart cannot understand why it keeps forgetting the pain you already caused. It waited for you for months. After months of waiting because of no contact, it thought it would feel the peace again. It missed the peace. Or was it really peace? I cried when you messaged again. I thought to myself, "Could I not be alone anymore? Could I not feel alone anymore?" and yet... you caused me another pain. Another trauma I am not sure I can heal. Why did you even bother contacting me again? I believe I was content of the thought that you need time to heal. So I waited. I gladly waited. My heart unconsciously waited. You would not know how my heart jumped, and how emotional I got when you messaged again. All these thoughts of, "Was he already healed? Is he okay?" and you would not know how broken I got when the answers were still a no. You would not know how the pain doubled when your intentions are not what I expected. It hurt more. It hurt a lot more. How dare you? I am worth more than how you treat me. My friends always remind me of my worth, and yet... Why is my heart so deaf? Why can't my heart listen? Why is it still you? I look for you in every person. The good side of you. The side of you that I saw. Yet you would not even believe in yourself that you have that side. Weeks have passed and I don't want to tell this but I miss you. Even if you hurt me, I miss you. Even if it pains me, I miss you.

And I hate it.

i have experienced darkness before

some darkness felt peaceful, that i can fall asleep
some darkness felt painful, that i nearly cut my bedsheets through my nails
some darkness felt sorrowful, that i feel like i have an infinite amount of tears i could produce
some darkness felt wrong, that i had been stuck in it for so long i forgot what is right
some darkness felt suffocating, that i barely remembered how to breathe

but the darkness that i'm most scared of
is the darkness of emptiness.
this darkness felt hollow,
i don't feel alive yet i'm moving
i don't feel anything, yet i'm strongly feeling everything
every agony, pain, joy, i feel them all strongly
yet i feel nothing at all
i feel like i want to scream, but there would be no sounds from within
i'm a ghost, in a human's body
and i don't know how long i'd be hollow.

this might be my silent call for help.

if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them how you made me feel secure and insecure at the same time
if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that you're different from everyone else in this world
if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that it was hard, that it was painful
if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that i see myself in you in a way nobody can
if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that you are me when you fully accept your emotions
if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that it's the first time everything made sense
if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that no one else is for me, except you

if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that i love you,
in a way i never have loved before

It’s funny how some of us have to meet a lot of lessons before we meet “the one.”
It’s also funny how some of us could meet our persons without having to meet some of lessons.
Let’s call them group one and group two, respectively.
Group one usually gets jealous as to how group two do not need to feel hurt multiple times just to meet their persons, their other halves.
Group two usually gets confused as to why group one cannot see what is wrong with what they are doing.
Both can love the same way, both can provide the effort the same way.
Where does it differ?
Group one usually can last for a very short period of time, and they do not see it as often; consistency, most of the time, is not in their vocabulary.
Group two, on the other hand, can last a lifetime. They already know the difference of respect, trust and love, and how those three work together. Without respect, there would be no trust. Without trust, love cannot survive alone.
When both group two meet, you could say it’s too good to be true, but it’s real.
When group one and group two meet, usually group one becomes a part of group two, and both of them can wholly respect, trust, and love for a long period of time. Rare cases of group one being so strong, and making the group two transfer to group one, is not a good outcome and eventually…
When both group one meet, it could cause destruction for both sides.
How can a group one person transfer to group two?
It’s the easiest thing to say but the hardest thing to do.
If you think you’re part of the group one, look at yourself. All parts of you, good and bad. Learn yourself, which parts are your best? Which parts are your worst? And love them all.
If you think you’re part of the group two, congratulations. You’ve been through a lot. You’ve suffered a lot. Good job on your inner work. I am so proud of you.

"It's better to be scared than to be hurt."

She wasn't the type of girl who would go through such things she's experiencing now.
She's clever, intuitive, and knows exactly what to do given any situation she'll experience.
There is no difference this time.
She knows what she needs to be done this time, even before her friends told her what to do.
She knows what to avoid the first time she heard him tell that.
She knows that everything is wrong the moment she'll continue.
She knows that it will hurt her if she proceed.
She knows, but her heart didn't.

Let me tell you something about her.
Her complex mind makes her one of the saddest person to live in this planet.
She cried a ton, for multiple reasons she could ever think.
There's never a day where she thinks, "Oh, someone can understand me today," as her complexity makes everyone, I'm not even kidding, misunderstand her.
She might say that she got used to being misunderstood that being understood scares her.
Out of a million, if a person shows that he/she sees her, of he/she understands her, she backs out.
She has gone through a lot of pain, no one could ever imagine what she had gone through.
A lot of people invalidate her, call her childish, immature and everything that they can see on the surface.
And as much as it saddens her, there are times where she believed those people.
There are times where she forgot her power.
She once believed that she could meet her person, one day.
Now, she's slowly believing that no one will ever be there for her.
As days go by, as thoughts cram to her head like a wildfire, her heart slowly got locked away and it forgot what it felt to love.
What it felt to say the words, "I love you," that it scares her whenever she hears those three words.
It's now her weakness.
Those three words could make her weak in the knees, and make her cry.
The thing that she is scared of is happening now.
Her walls are higher, highest that it's ever been.
Her trust in people are close to none.
Her belief that love exists in this world is slowly fading.
Her heart that was once can see the good in relationships, are slowly going away.
She was once a girl, full of principles she thought will not go away.
She can blame the society for all the beliefs she has now, but at the end of the day, it is her who accepted those beliefs.
She has been alone, she always felt alone, and nothing has changed.

She can say that that is the reason why she made those decisions.
She wanted intimacy.
She wanted someone to care, even if it's not exactly the same as to how she cares.
She wanted someone to tell her problems to, even knowing she needs time to fully trust a person.
She has never fully trusted anyone, so she doesn't know where to start.
She wanted a person.
Her person.
Consistent person.
Decided person.
Her person.
A person who will not leave her even when she wanted to leave.
A person who will hug her when she cries so loud, and tries to break off of the hug.
A person who will be there.
Not in words, not in actions, but in soul.
A person who she knows will be there no matter what.

She wasn't the type of girl who would go through such things that she's experiencing now.
She wants to justify those things by saying that she's the saddest person in the world.
She wants someone to see her.
She wants someone to ask, "What did the world do to you that made you do such things?"
She wants someone to look at her in the eyes, and she will feel that that person will listen to her, see her, and will not leave her.
She wants peace.
She wants safety.

She wasn't the type of girl who would go through such things that she's experiencing now.
And I hope it's not too late for her to fix everything.
I hope it's not too late for her to be happy in the way she wants to.

I heard a story one time,
A story I couldn't and wish not to forget.

There was a boy.
A small young boy, sensitive to what other feels,
A kind young boy who chooses to see the good out of everyone.
He's an innocent young boy who sees the world in a good sense.
One day, he was playing in a playground,
He saw an insect walking in the middle of it.
He and his friends were playing a game, and that game needs running.
He so badly wanted to protect the insect that he went directly to the insect.
He covered the insect with both of his hands, trying to protect it from the kids who are running.
The other kids saw what he did.
Never did he know he can influence other people that easily.
The other kids copied what he did, and covered him while he was covering the insect.
He knows the intentions of the kids were good.
He saw that the other kids just wanted to do what he was doing because he see the good in people.
But due to the weight of all the kids,
When he opened both of his hands where the insect can be found,
He saw the insect crushed and flat.
It broke his heart.
It broke his heart so much that he couldn't forget the story.

This boy that I'm talking about is now a man with job and responsibilities.
He still remembers clearly the time that his inner kid couldn't forget.
I could still see the inner kid in him, every single time we spent together.
I could still see the boy that protected the insect and had his heart broken because the insect died.
He's still the sensitive boy, hiding in a "have a strong heart" man.
He still gets his heart broken in the smallest things, hiding in a "I'm okay, I can do it."
I'm happy I witnessed both the boy and the man.
And I'm happy I get to experience to love this boy and this man.

For a person who loves to make other people laugh,
She doesn't know when her laugh is real.
It got to the point where she got used to laughing,
She thought she's happy all the time.
Maybe she is, maybe she's genuinely happy all the time.
Who knows?

For a person who loves to assure other people they're safe,
She prefers danger more than anything.
She chooses danger, and private every single time decision has to be made.
She allows danger to take her over.
Maybe she just doesn't know what it feels to choose something that's safe that can make her happy.
Maybe she's just used to feeling the excitement brought by danger.
Who knows?

For a person who gives love so easily,
She never knows what love really is.
She maybe knowing how she loves, and she's been looking for it everywhere.
She's about to give up looking for that love, the same love that she gives to people.
Maybe she just wants to feel that love, the love that she provides.
Who knows?

For a person who wants others to experience true happiness everywhere she goes,
She only experienced happiness that came from danger, secrecy, privacy and everything that's wrong.
She has never experienced happiness that came from peace.

For a girl that wants purity and integrity so bad,
She has been living a life full of mystery, secrets, and lies.

She's scared that no one will ever understand her.
She's scared that no one will ever see her.
She's scared that she might not be able to forgive herself.

I dreamt of you last night.
There’s always this thought of me to not regret any second we’re together.
That’s why I wanted to be the first one to say “I love you” and it’s okay if you won’t say it back.
After all these months that we didn’t see each other.
I’m okay if you won’t say you love me, I just wanted to put my message across.
That I love you, and I’ll love you ‘til my last breath.
Then an unexpected happened in my dreams.
You said “I love you” first.
And I said “I love you” back.
I won’t forget this dream, and I dreamt of you again.
Twice.
I’m thankful that we get to see each other, that we get to talk to each other.
Again, even if it’s in my dreams.
I love you.