i had a dream
that for a moment
we were walking together
and when i held out
my hand to you,
you took it.

There’s a kind of grief
in a long leaf pine
with a scar cut deep
in its bark from lightning
that shines beneath
a winter’s moonlight
all alone out there
down by the water
like a man in a wheelchair
grieving for a daughter
at the end of the dock
hard and gray
old as the rocks
and cold **** waves
that break in time
along this god forsaken
piece of coastline.

you wake up
his hair is spilled across the pillow,
the sun slants across his cheekbone
and his breath is slow and even.
he smells like an open field
and his body is wrapped around yours
so he keeps you warm.
you think,
there is no moment better than this,
that he is too perfect to exist.
but you wake up gasping,
skin soaked in sweat.
you lie there for a long time,
in your completely empty bed.

hey guys so my birthday is coming up and im super exited im finally turning 14 on september 28th exiteeee
im weird sorry
but like
im exited ya know
so yeah september 28th my dudes
imma be a lil bit olderrrr

'my father said to me, "you want this perfect person you've never met before
to come out of nowhere, fit your life completely, complete you
and make you whole for the first time in your life, much like your mother did for me."
i was seven
and even tho what he said sounds sweet and whatever
what it manifested in my seven year old brain was this,
"if you are not with someone: you are broken.
if you are not with someone: you are incomplete.
if you are not with someone: you are not whole."
and that's not just something my dad made me feel that's something we as society has made every child born in the last 40 years feel.
every disney princess has a prince
every prince has a princess
every television show or movie always has that one character in it that doesn't wanna be in a relationship.
they're happy with who they are.
but by the end of the series, guess what, they we're wrong'

It arrives,
Unnoticed, unannounced.

Quiet,
At first.

Slow,
Seeping, dripping.

I put it down to a few stressful weeks.
I carry on.

It unpacks,
Worries, anxieties.

Gently,
For now,

Tiptoes,
Whispers, creaks.

‘It will leave soon’ I think ‘It always does.’
I keep going.

It settles in,
Getting comfortable.

Getting louder,
And louder.

Banging thoughts,
Insomnia.

‘Please don’t be happening again’.
I shuffle along my daily routine.

Claws in,
Insidious.

Screaming,
24/7.

Shame, worthlessness,
Hurt.

‘Please go away’.
I’m barely coping.

Growing roots,
Into my brain and heart.

Blossoming pain,
With every beat.

Emptiness, loneliness,
Abandonment.

Silence, Stillness,
‘I can’t move, I can’t cope.’