Do you know what home feels like?
When I found you, I remembered 
I didn’t even know I had forgotten

Isn’t that funny? 

How everything you’ve ever wanted creeps in when you aren’t looking 

But I was always looking for family 
So when I found them 
It felt like I was dreaming 
Or maybe I finally felt like family too 
I sit up at night 
Studying both sides of my hands 
How much time did I lose? 
Was it a dream, after all?
I couldn’t have been asleep that long

Your breath still bathes the skin of my shoulders
Your hands still fumbles in my blankets 
I still feel you
I must have had too much to drink because when I woke you were just.. gone and I was on 
A stranger’s couch 
Kindness on the table cooked perfectly 
Every smile feels like The Truman Show, honestly 
Wait 
Wasn’t I just with my family? 
Don’t I have family? 
I was just thinking of my family 
Could you tell? 

Do I look like I need it? Can you tell I’ve been violently weeping in the wood? I’m some sort of ghost, will you take care of me? Have I skinned my knees? My palms sting. Did somebody say something when I was out because there’s a sheet of softener in here and everything is dry even though you have to hit the button every 20 minutes and I always forget to come back 

It’s sweet to know at least somebody’s mother is watching my clothes while I step out for air

You didn’t have to
I should say thank you 
I look around 
Last in, first out 
Not a scratch in my day but 
How long do you spend here? 
Cleaning all the clothes in the house 
My house is small 
So sometimes I let my basket build for weeks 
So I can stay a little longer
Flaunting XLs like I got somebody at home 

Oh, I hear him making dinner now
Throwing the pan across the room when I smash my finger putting away the cart, making a scene just to hear me laugh

He’s on his knees in seconds just to **** the blood from my knuckles and
                 Get this, 
He doesn’t even 
Spit it out

      He looks up smiling and says, 
“What would people think?” 

Now, the sight of blood makes me dizzy
But it isn’t the color 
I’ve always known how to clean up after myself but it feels
Harder now 
    To have less in my basket
    I’ll just take my time folding 
                                                Anyway, I like the lighting in here

I imagine my name like a small bomb going off
That’s why no one says it anymore
I imagine no one even tries
I will be honest, I never liked it until
You whispered it
You’d say it across the whole room

You used to call me yours before I ever really was

Somebody say it
Don’t you remember?
The way you all used to, in sync
Like a dream
When you saw my face on a small screen
Say my name

So that the letters bounce off the hairs on the back of your neck and jump up and slide down the soft dip in your ear and land on your fingers, walking up your wrist and over the tightrope veins of your arms gently, as to tease the blood beneath your skin with it’s turning heel and somehow you would remember

The freckles on my stomach you made friends with
The laughter you painted and pushed up through my belly,
tumbling through my lips and onto your fingers

You licked off the icing of our love and removed the knots from my hair and you kissed me all over before you turned out the light and you left

All the kisses I pressed into your shoulder

I know they’re still there
Dormant; sparkling

I think you could find pieces of me if you looked hard enough, hiding in my favorite spots near your ear

Please don't tell me
Did you rid your self of every
Trace of me along your ribs
A tingle at the edge of the morning

All the strands of hair I left in your beard
The rubber bands under your pillow
Pens staining the sheets and the presents I wrapped, one by one

Am I still there or am I being ashed out a car window

My socks still in the bottom drawer, the picture on your wall, my face deleted from your phone but not your mind, or does it work both ways? and when you turn it on in the middle of the night am I next to you, the light dim and my skin soft and we curl around each other

Can you still hear me
or was my voice never loud enough to form a memory

You are telling me a story I remember
But I wouldn’t dream of stopping you

You are great at this
I am locked onto your lips
Even if I wasn’t
We've been locked inside for too long
We don’t interrupt like we used

       I wanna see what you’ll choose

To be honest
This
is what I’ve missed

Not the big stuff
Just the look on your face when
We’re thinking the same thing

                   It's more rare than you think
                                                                ­           Here’s your drink

Do I know you?
I know I love you
Most when you tell me something through the crowd
Talking too loud but speaking in code only I know

I’m so hiiiiiiigh on that ****                                                     

Your fingers print the back of my neck
Icy and immovable chains
                                  I can feel them now...
It’s a good thing you don’t know me better

We are sitting too close at the bar
The food comes and you sigh
Loudly, just to make me laugh
You’re just mad you can’t hold onto me

                   I’ve gotten that before, actually

I am slipping through the crowd now
Laughing hardest with people I’ll
Never see again, funny
I won’t pretend you’re different
Just laugh
                                                     Today, okay?

Let me make you happy while I have you
While this broken sidewalk is full up
And my best shoes are broken in my closet
And it's just you and I
I guess it’s e a s i e r like this

I still wonder about the strangers passing
Who will be more upset if I
Stick my foot out a bit further and slip
Right past this conversation
Just to hurry on my way
There’s like five of you
Spread over the sidewalk
s   l    i   m    e
When I pass I realize how much space in my mind I give you
Instead of using any for myself
Pity but hey
Hey hey I never said I was hot ****
I always knew I was unfulfilled
You just loved me anyway
And isn't that okay?
You called me the Sun but you kept looking  
Gave me room to come up and go down
I mean anyone would lay down if you asked them to
Just because I can rest doesn’t mean I can't move

Don’t make me the Sun if you’re the Moon

I wish I was coming out of this
A butterfly 
****, just something with wings

Hasn’t it been a cocoon?
Crying and crawling, desperate times 
We're begging for change
When did it come to this?
I was just thinking about finding
What I’ve hidden 

Guess there was more than I thought

Where did I put it?
I know it’s in here somewhere 
Did it fall between the bed and the wall? 
I’ve dug through all the corners 
Third eye throat stomach swallowing heart
Plenty vulnerable with no discernible 
Skill so I know it’s unlikely but god
There’s a script a book a song or two
A business plan, A landing joke ?
Something somewhere in these poems
All over my floor and tucked into my arm 
Maybe it’s in my phone, probably not

I wish I was better but of course, I am


Even if you can’t see wings 
Maybe they’re bound 
Just under my elbows 


I’m better 
Even if it’s just barely more than before

The best love, it turns out,
is simple
Unassuming

Meeting you in the same place every day
Quietly nudging in the direction of abundance
Considering you know more than you think you do
A hint is not enough
The words only say so much
When you don't follow through
I don't blame you
It's what you're used to

It’s soft sunlight boldly making the pillow its own, sparkling the hairs of your beard and the chain beating against your throat. I swear, I love your heartbeat. And your laugh. It is the sort of laugh that grows through a crack. A beam of sunshine stretching its back. It's heating an extra *** of extra hot water for your bath and it is the flowing stream steaming jewelry on my neck. It is both the arms carrying you to the tub and the yellow juice of the flowers soaking that soften your legs

What was it like before?
Because it's sweet now
The sticky honey of staying in bed all day
And actually listening to each other
I wonder if I will ever really leave the bedroom we share in my mind But the view I shared with you was just that
Something to see through

Love doesn't speak on all that
It pulls me into a dark room when the party is still going
Somehow touching me everywhere at once
It laughs with me while I laugh at myself  
Reminds me - I don't need to do all that
It doesn't take it back
It doesn't even start strong
But that leaves us with somewhere to go
No answers, just moving it around in your hands
Sitting quietly in the corner of the room, of your thoughts
Watching you without intake
Just to see what you'll do
Always a question on pursed lips
Impressed, as always
Giving you the best one,
and more importantly
The benefit of the doubt

You did not deserve that
Not when you wouldn't say a word
Not when you disappeared
I was always here
Giving you space and asking another question
Hoping you take care of yourself
If that's what you said you'd do
It asks more of you
Even when you never
Return the favor
Faking interest between
Larger displays of great love
How long have you been saving that up?
I realized I'd much rather love myself
Than spend one more minute with that sort
My love does not abandon you
It makes sure you know
(I'm here, always)



But not anymore

Wake up, wake up
The Whole World Is Watching
And your skin is crawling
I wonder why it's
Bubbling, boiling
Is it alive or am I?
Lifting the digital lid to let them in
Feeds that feed my insatiable hunger
For what my ex is doing now
Soon becomes irrelevant
When people are dying

Who will lose their life
In front of the next camera?
Why does it take so much
Just to open our eyes ?
Just to listen, just
Sit down
Get off him, please

Please.

I don’t want to hear another mother
Crying for her son
Another wife sister brother
I don’t want to watch their children
Learn why their daddy died
I don’t want to be this detached
From loss of life because I’ve lost my life
I don’t want to hear from a clown
Or discuss his position, even his mind
I refuse him my energy
I know big and he is the smallest
What is a President
Sorry, who?
What government
The one that destroys us?
Puts everyone in in cages, our strongest men, our brightest children
Makes us watch
From our couches
From our desks
Because we are that good at multitasking
Pillaging, ******, recognizing
Shrugging and closing the door
The powerful people killing real people of power
Of using color to teach color and power flowing
To keep it going
What does it mean
To put a human beneath you
We were not made for this
But we built it anyway
Was I made for this?
I don’t want to be here
God, I am lucky to be here
I am here

And it doesn’t take long
Not to be