Goodbye Sunshine,
You were never real
You were merely artificial light
That I gave meaning to
You never touched the drapes of my windows
Because you were never the sun
Only the real sun comes through my windows like a lion
Bright golden yellow,
Keeping me from my dreams
Because finally, I find my bliss in reality

How can I fathom leaving this delusion?
I have all these poems about you,
Inspired dreams, hopeful writings about you
And yet, here I am
I dug the grave
To bury the dream my wild imagination created
My imagination, always going too far down the rabbit hole,
Until my glasses are traded in for
Virtual reality goggles
And all I could see
Is my fantasy unfolding right in front of me

Here I am, on this oddly warm day
In January,
Laying my figment of you down to rest
How can I let go,
When I never truly got to feel and see
What it would be like
To be yours
Maybe I wouldn't have even enjoyed it.

Browsing, scrolling
Shopping
Consuming

A Blue Guitar,

A Corgi **** pillow.

Gone With The Wind is one of my favorite movies. I resonate so strongly with both Scarlett and Melanie... I feel like Scarlett is all ego and Melanie is all heart and soul. I feel like these two characters are two voices of many in my psyche. I experience a constant internal battle within, as my inner Scarlett prattles relentlessly on, draining my energy, with her goals being vain pursuit, external validation and self preservation. My inner Melanie on the other hand, fully aware of my inner Scarlett's self sabotage, embraces Scarlett lovingly and compassionately, yet doesn't allow Scarlett to throw her off center or make her feel inferior, because it's impossible for Melanie to feel inferior or in desperate need because she knows her intrinsic worth. So, in all, I would say that Scarlett is my ego and Melanie is my Soul.~~ Just sharing my analogy with the community to shed light on a struggle many of us face~~

I was in 2nd grade when the twin towers were hit. I remember all the children in my class one by one being picked up from school. I had no idea at that point what was going on, but I was so jealous. I wanted to go home early from school. Eventually, my Aunt picked me and my cousin up. She told us about the towers as we walked home. I could see the thick, montrous black smoke of the fallen towers from the street I lived on in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. We went inside and turned on the television. Report after report confirmed the devastating aftermath of the attack.
●
My mother was in Manhattan, for she was a secretary at the Wall Street Journal. At the moment the towers were hit, she was just arriving, walking towards her job that was located in a building right across the street from the twin towers. But what she saw bewildered her. Hoards of people covered in white ash were running in the opposite direction of where she was headed. She asked one of these people what they were running from, and they frantically responded that the twin towers had been attacked. After learning this, she walked to my Grandmother's job in midtown Manhattan. They later arrived home safely.
●
Looking back at this recollection of my 2nd grade self, I have to admit I wasn't traumatized by these events personally. But in retrospect I can see now how it had affected all those around me. On the ten year anniversary of September 11th, Paul Simon sang Bridge Over Troubled Water at a memorial service in New York. As I watched it on the news, the lyrics filled my heart with warmth. What I suggest, through the healing of old traumas and in the handling of new wounds, is that we make ourselves a bridge to others, a source of stability in an uncertain world. This is described so beautifully within Simon's song: "When you're weary, feeling small, When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all, I'm on your side, Oh when times get rough, And friends just can't be found, Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down, Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down." Through every unexpected tragedy, if we come together as a community, the most horrific pain will inevitably shrivel in the light of sefless love.

I hid away for a better day
I warmer day, a softer day
I fell into thorns
It had been day, the sun was bright
I wandered through luscious woods
The green calling out to me
But I traveled too far
And the sun grew dark
I looked straight into the sun
It blinded me
And I fell into thorns

I don't need to live this way,
Aimless and without cause
I wonder toward a cliff
I had always lived on the edge
Monotany is more dangerous than risk taking
Stop living your sedentary life,
It's killing you

I ran into the storm
And it swallowed me
I danced in the rain
I threw back my head and drank in life,
In all its glory
I let it swallow me
I let it engulf me

I became a river
An ever changing drop of water
I yielded to the curves of the riverbend
And I can never correctly see
What's right ahead of me
So, I just have to let it be

I'm a blind woman
Without her walking stick
I'm a blind woman, dancing in the rain,
Swimming in the river
Being swallowed by the storm.
And I'm laughing.

A dream told me to write a poem titled
Little Blue Hill,
Here it goes

First, I dreamed of Shrek
Weird, I know
I had an epiphany in my dream
It was this profound realization
This wow! moment I experienced
Right slam center within the dream
It was this:
Fiona fell in love with Shrek
because she could be her true self
in his presence
She could be the ogre she truly was with him
She could be completely vulnerable and herself with him,
No walls, no facades, no masks
Just herself
Right then my sleep was interrupted,
which I was happy about so I could remember this dream
And falling back asleep,
my brain exclaimed
That's what real love is!
I never realized that that is the deeper meaning of
Shrek all along, I never saw it there
But it was there, implicitly

In my second dream
I was at church
And I healed someone's injury
With my hands
The people of the church
applauded me and looked onto me with awe
I felt proud
But also ashamed of my pride
I wanted to stand up and say: "I don't deserve the praise. It is God alone who heals"
But I sat in a pew, with a smug grin on my face
And an elation in my heart.

In my third dream
I was talking to a guitarist at church
And I mentioned a little blue hill,
for some reason
Then, I was on that hill
and I exclaimed
"I'll write a poem about a little blue hill!"
So, I did
And here it is

Remnants of you
Paint my walls
Pepper my subconscious

See the world is melting literally,
And I just can't open my heart
To accept this misery

Tides are rising
My emotions are in hiding
Iron heart, girl set a part
It's a subtle and calculating art
I collect men's hearts
And feel nothing inside.

Remnants of lost hope
Is what you left
In my apartment, in my soul and heart
But see,
I don't care
And that's what really bothers me.

Where is your heart,
It's a diversion
The glimmering, shimmering
Façade; the cloak
I like bright colors and shining ornaments
I thought I liked these things
Like your eyes and your voice
But it all disintergrates
Like the dust that was once mountains

My mind is the keeper of myriad memories captured by my five senses
I used to think it was all about me
And now I find myself dying to self
I can't make sense of it all
I've stopped imploring
Beating my fists to the floor, begging for more knowledge
I went out and sought the tree of knowledge
So I could take a bite of that poisonous fruit
I never found it.

Sometimes I find myself wrapped up in diversions,
Spellbound
Caught up in a web of hedonistic pursuits
Awaiting my death
I called "save me!"
Like the apostle Peter did when he was sinking
I called out in agony when all the pleasures became pain
An Angel appeared beside me
And guided me out of the dark night of my soul.

Sometimes,
On days as placid as this one
I completely forget what pain is and
How prevelant suffering is
It's too easy to just look out for myself and my own needs and wants
It's too easy to turn a blind eye to the starving child thousands of miles away from you or
The self destructive drug addict next door
It doesn't matter if the suffering is forced onto the person or if it's self inflicted
We need to love all,
Seek to bandage the wounded with unconditional love
And cast fear out of ourselves
The fear of what is foreign to us

Some days
When I'm happy and content
I ask myself,
Where is my heart?
I may never be recognized for the good deeds I've done in my life
But I rather live a life full of purpose
Even if that entails
Showering love onto the ones who are suffering
Putting myself among the lowest of the low
So that I can reach out my hand
And pull someone up to my level of joy in God.

It's dawn now, it's the dawn of my life, of my soul
But for so long it had been night,
It had been agonizing, hollow darkness
Echoing like a gong
Pitted deep within an abyss
Despair seemed like forever a concept
Taking root in my heart
and deeming me inconsolable;
My eyes started to turn grey.

One day I laid my life on a line,
To hang, to dry
I climbed up on my roof
And howled out to the moon
I was dry and hurt and haunted
But I hadn't given up
There was a spark,
even though faint,
still flickering in the base
of my being
I didn't give up,
Something told me, taught me
Never give up
No matter how you feel,
or how hopeless something seems
Just promise me, that
you'll never give up.

Lightning came down on me with
a crashing loud noise
It shook me up,
shook me up from this nightmare
I experienced most of my life
I believed that nightmare, I believed
that lie
I choose to be miserable,
But when that realization like lightning hit me,
I started to choose to be joyful
I still experience emotions I wish I didn't feel,
But I'm better off
Testing my limits
through both good and bad times
This is not a perfect life
But at least I'm living, and not merely alive.

Feelings flooding in like
Iridescent waves
Sparkling in the fiery sunset
I call out to an abundantly vibrant,
pulsating life: I love you!
Because, I truly do.

I saw these glittering eyes,
Ones that mesmerized
I said hi
Then their were myriad goodbyes
But infinite hellos
With you, I can never really tell
Where the time goes

Your chin is like honey
Escaping the beehive
Dripping down the grooved bark of an oak
Your eyes are two dazzling blue jays
Penetrating my inquisitive eyes
You look deep into my eyes
I ask you questions just to sustain eye contact
You answer, but your eyes tell me stories that your mouth fails to speak

I'm staring at a clock,
And how it ticks away,
It's sort of quizzical,
Wouldn't you say?
See, all we have is today, tomorrow and yesterday
And I wonder what all these days will amount to,
And I wonder will I end up with you?

I have to separate my ego from my soul
Because my ego makes decisions selfishly
But my soul knows what's best for me
And I rather follow in
What brings me joy
I want to be in love
I want to love
I want more
Of this beautiful,
alive, pulsating life
I want you, I want me
I want everything to be merry
I look inside my mind's eye
And I revel in paradise

I enjoy you,
I truly do
Desire is a flame
I must be careful not to burn you
I must retract my claws
Restrain my ego
From trying to take what's not rightfully mine
I'll sit in silence
And wait patiently on peace
And I'll let God direct me
To the path of love and joy.

I'll speak in my mother tongue
And embrace
the slang of my Brooklyn roots

I won't try to change
My colloquial way of speech
I don't have anything to prove
With the words I choose to use

Because I'll speak my message plain as day,
I'll spit my rhymes
Like straightforward
Old school rappers
I don't need to sugarcoat my words
I don't need to overcomplicate things
With my messages

I'll take pride in my mother tongue
I won't pretend to be something I'm not
I'm just a girl from Brooklyn
Who has a lot to express.

The setting sun
Embroiders heavy,
Pregnant with rain, clouds
With hues of pink laced with gold
Up against the tranquil blue sky
The pink clouds sprawled across the solid blue
Like the wool baby blanket
You can't get yourself to give up

Sometimes
When I look up at those tangible,
Realer than life clouds
I fathom if they could possibly take me away
Zip down to me like an unidentified space craft--
I would board the clouds like a ship
And I'd be shown all
the world
All the wonders of the world,
And all the knowledge of the world not yet known to mankind

I'd escape every triviality that perplexes me daily,
Which I know shouldn't perplex me, but does anyway,
Because I'm human and sometimes I'm not as brave and noble as I want and ought to be

Bats fly overhead..
My daydreams cannot take me very far,
For they are limited to my minds synapses..
A firefly dances beside me..
The sun sets hastily
Shadows grow deeper,
Simultaneously my heart grows despondent
As the shadows of night proliferate,
Until darkness engulfs this town entirely,
Like a cloak
That incites my own inner shadows
To awaken

I dream of a day
That will be filled with elation and no more
Of this intermittent, unwanted pain
That is like birth pangs,
Unexpected and excruciating

*Sunset clouds, take me away
Take me to the paradise that my mind
Did create.

There is a God, you see
Watching over humanity
And he cares individually for
You and me
Even if you feel separated
I can guarantee
That this God I speak of
Is caring and free

God is not bound by conformity
Disharmony or chaos
God is the excellence of the wave
Hitting the shore
Drinking up the raindrop

God is two humans gazing
Into eachothers eyes
God is a child's love lullaby
God is never vain nor
Ignorant
God never hates,
He is pure love,
Could you even imagine that?

What is not from God isn't pure
It's deception that demands a cure
Only God can straighten the crooked path
Only God can redeem you even
When everyone tells you there's no turning back

God is the purest light
That guides you in the darkest of nights
My soul aches no more
For God is a balm that has healed all my sores

I look up to a sky so blue
And even though this world makes me sad and confused
I thank God in heaven
For the vast sky and
The cool breeze
That fills my lungs
And brings me to ease.

Dear Friend,

When will I see you again?

I heard that life's unfair

That the one you share your heart with has become ensnared

I'm writing you to tell you, it's OK to be scared

And I really, really care

I'll always be there.

Sincerely,
Your Friend

Sapphire gems embedded within the deepest hem
Strung by threads of golden hair
Bedazzled with emeralds, cobras dancing
Within the crown of the silver spoon fed
Without body, what are words and form and matter
The operating intelligence looms above and below and within
It renders dreams as reality
And reality is seen as a painted scene on canvas
Ripped by the hand of the Creator
Sheep are as sheep do
Running in circles with hamsters in their heads
Destruction is sweet but living sweeter
Complexity is making your face meaner
Exhale on three and disperse the contention into the air
Drop down into the abyss
And leave your residency here.

The final day, the final hour
The final minute, the final second
The final moment
Moments
Wrapping up around me
Like sweet sweet surrender
Coming down on me
Turning frowns upside down on me
Oh sweet melodies
Caress my inquisitive mind
And time no longer follows a linear path
The past, present and future merge
Into this outcome
That like a once cocooned caterpillar
Emerges
With luminous wings of art
And the wind whispers secrets
My conscious mind cannot yet discern
When I close my eyes
Close, open
Close, open
Like a sea anemone
Pulsating beneath
Layers of dense, buoyant water
Strands like limbs
Moving fluidly with the flow
Of I know and I don't know
The outcome,
Like an equation
Nearing so close
Hold my heart so
passionately inside of me
Here we go.

Tears well in my eyes
For the sense of powerless-ness I feel
In the pit of my stomach
So powerless to pain
So powerless to evil
I can't change it,
Erase it,
Morph it into something beautiful
Like the end of a Disney movie
When the spell is lifted
And the kingdom is restored

I see masks plastered everywhere
Having a resemblance of depth
But they're merely shallow, bottomless abysses
Echoing their identity that they cling to
I want to say:
"It's all been said before! Can't you see? All these uprisings and rebellions throughout history didn't lead us very far. Our human nature is our persisting scar"
But maybe they'd sneer and call me "un-enlightened"
But really, their ideals are not even in alignment with their lifestyles
It's bizarre how we humans can dream up ideals and a utopia in our mind,
But continue to fail to bring those dreams into physical form
Maybe we're just all not on the same wave length?

I just don't understand
Do some people actually enjoy suffering,
The perpetuators of cruelty?
Or are they programmed to act maliciously by default
Because they were taught that we live in a cruel world
And the only way to survive is by being a sociopath
Or is the source of cruelty the 1 percent,
The filthy rich looking down at us at a Roman ampitheater,
Getting a thrill off our suffering

I want to pick up the whole world in my arms
Like an ailing helpless infant,
This is what our world has become
A toddler who doesn't know better,
That is drawn in by the vibrant glow of the fire
And is burned
I suppose collectively, we just don't know better
That we continue to be self destructive in every possible way,
And we don't even know it or
We even enjoy it...

I don't want to see anymore
Sad, vacant faces
I want to see smiles abounding
And hearts eager to share love and kindness
I want to see change,
I want to feel change,
I want to be change!
I want to change!
I want, the mindset that leads to futility
Rather, what can I do and be for others?
Perhaps this is what we all must focus on.

You saw me crying tears
I'm not okay
Don't let me go
Don't let me walk away

How can I know this is true?
Can't open my heart up again to be abused
You got another love on your mind
You made promises
But how can I know we'll pull through?

You say the stars have aligned
But I can't shake this cynicism from my mind
You're all heart
and I'm all brain
But this overthinking has got me to the brink of going
Insane

Dress me in pearls and tie my hair in a bow
I try to be feminine
But I truly know
That I want to be strong
And there is nothing wrong
with a woman
who can be happy on her own

I want to be happy on my own
But honestly, sometimes that can be lonely
And sure, you get on my nerves,
So why do I miss you holding me?

You've got big eyes just like a child's
Full of sadness and hope
You don't understand how hard it is for me to give my heart up
You'll probably hurt me too
So what's the point of going through with this?

Time only makes bonds stronger
So, there's no point for me to stick around any longer
I wish I could tell you that I care
I really do
But I need you to leave
Before I fall too hard for you

Might as well deal with the pain now
Before time passes and the
pain of severance is
unbearable
Deeming my heart irreparable
Just hold me in your arms one last time
Cuz I've already come up with all the reasons I have to say goodbye

You heard me cry
And you ignored me
I still have a sore heart
Even though you said sorry
Just don't worry
It'll all be over soon
Too bad this hurts too much,
I really wanted to love you.

Art is a lot like life
It never comes out
The way I imagined it.

How things change
From laughing in the rain to
crying in it
Nearly drowning in the grey skies

How things change
From the carefree laughter of a child to
the stuttering, clutching mess
of a cynical adult

How things change,
I remember only the happy days
of childhood
Now I'm looking for any way out
of the misery of adulthood

So eager for a quick fix scheme
I don't do drugs but I'm looking for escape
Tempted to pull a Christopher McCandless or Cheryl Strayed
I just need to find some way to get away

Now I understand
When I was a kid I didn't understand why adults were so frustrated
My dad used to say: "Never grow up"
But I was eager to become an adult, like most kids
Yet now I wish to reverse
Because the older you get the more your eyes open up to just how much this world is cursed

When I was a child I trusted blindly,
I was able to believe in things like Santa and the Easter Bunny
I know many believe Jesus Christ is just the same,
Lumped in together with nonsensical creations of the imagination
To soften the blow of a world that can be so unforgiving

But I like to believe he once did live
And if he lived
He truly is the best human being who walked this earth
Who wasn't deterred by scorn and persecution
Who carried out the message of love and brotherly union
I think Christians forget,
that Jesus isn't about religion
It's about transforming our world,
with courageous hope in our hearts
that our small impact
Will make ripples in the atmosphere
that grow bigger and bigger
Until the Kingdom of God
makes everything right

Maybe these aren't your beliefs,
And I'm not sure I can get on board with most of Christianity's beliefs
Like eternal suffering in hell
Because I know that this life is hell enough
But all I am sure of,
at least for myself
Is that Jesus came into this world for people like me
Down on their luck
And in much need of healing
He came for the sinners
He makes people humble
by His saving grace
He calls people to Him
asking them to leave everything behind
But what does the world really have to offer?
This is why I follow Him,
I step out onto the waters
Into the great unknown.

It comes back in fragments,
Washing up on the shore like pieces of sea glass
I pick each unique piece up individually,
I see that each fragment is in some way a part of me
How could it possibly be,
That I could be so many things
In just one body?

Each piece put together leads to a culmination of sorts
An amalgamation that is the masterpiece of me
The maturation that leads to the finale
I look into the mirror and am so proud
For a jubilant child I once was
But a sad teenager
Then a balanced adult
Adult?

There is something fascinating about this whole life thing
Like looking up to the stars
In an expansive sky,
And I'm breathing while
Looking into another human's eyes
And we're smiling
Life has it's pain
But if it's unbearable, why do the good times make living so worthwhile?

Remnants of glitter nail polish
Stick like war veterans to my finger nails
Un-willing to let go
I'm amused by this analogy and symbolism and everything I can see that I can't quite describe
No, I have no words for the nuances
Maybe, I think,
If I learn more words I'd be understood better
But it's not with words that we primarily communicate
But with tones and expressions and subtleties
Only in observation of intricate details
Are we capable of marvelling at the ingenuity of Creation

And if anyone has ever left you,
Abandoned you
Because they lost their heart along their journey
Fret not,
Do not fear that all your love was for naught
For you are the expansive star child
That is capable of holding so much love within you without bursting,
Combusting or imploding
Each drop of love you put out into this world is never without value
It may fall upon barren land and fail to produce the desired result of untainted love
But it is never your fault when your call and outpouring of love is rejected or ****** up greedily by a poor, self-serving soul
Who will try to use your love for their own selfish gain
But they will fail miserably,
For love cannot be used with malicious intent

These are just some lessons that I've learned, they have grown my soul
Into a limitless, expansive, blossoming rose
Fear not, dear one
You who have weathered countless storms
Your stories will make you stronger
And your soul holds you ever so gently in it's loving arms.

Fences make for good neighbors,
Slabs of wood painted bright white
And it’s my world that it holds
I used to believe in an open free for all
Hippies caressing under a sweltering sun in the red mud
I called that love
Telling unsafe people my secrets
And contorting myself to appease the un-appeasable
It didn’t work
Just made me tired really
Maybe it was the way I was raised
But I’m tired of pointing my finger out
Because all I gotta do
Is build a good fence
This is my world, not anyone else’s
I decide what comes into my little paradise.

Where do I start
At the place I fell apart
Amidst a blizzard harboring a frozen heart
Pelted down by rigid rules
And sharp shards of thought
In that stark place, I wished on empty air
That true love would find me,
That just someone would care.

The snow melted
And jolly yellow daffodils emerged from the wet earth
The sun overpowered the sullen clouds of winter
And pushed the wintry season aside
So now with un-fogged eyes
I could see
Every single possibility.

I found what I thought was love
At a young and tender age
We kissed under the oak around the corner from my house
Cars whizzed by but we focused on each other's lips
And shared a cool, crisp kiss
And with starry eyes, we looked up to the sky
And blessed the God who granted us such bliss
The winter we did not think about,
The winter we did not miss,
The winter we had forgotten.

Side by side, hip by hip
Not a second ever a part
Each moment was never missed
We held on close, for fear of losing
The love that healed and warmed our hearts
But the entanglement became increasingly confusing
Less and less amusing
And we bruised each other's innocent hearts.

Tension increased, lies and manipulations through lips were released
Kissing was sparse
And arguments prevailed
Even in his presence I felt all alone again, in the hail
Internally frozen existing within our fiery hell
The closer we got the more we were jailed
By rules and restrictions
In fear, in fear of being left
But all the while,
Our fear was causing the theft
Of our love.

When it all came crumbling down
I never thought it would
It was the only thing I felt was going good
I had no one to turn to but the person I cut off
I fell into a depression
From my bed I could not get up
I existed within a cloud of smoke encircling my head
My heart strongly beat on, but I failed to notice or listen to my heart
I got into the habit of numbing
I didn't think I was fit for happiness
I thought I could attain joy if I overthought the method to attainment
But that just brought me farther away from it.

When I would ride in cars, I would unconsciously scan the streets hoping to see him
To get a peek at the life he led outside of our high school hallways
Once, while walking home, I saw him in the passenger seat of his mother's van
He looked dismal, he looked like he was anticipating happiness
Like he was trying to figure out the mathematical solution to joy
Another time, while in the car with my friend,
I saw him in the night
With his friends, donning a frumpy sweatshirt
He looked happy, he looked drunk
I pressed my face on the cold glass, straining my neck to look longer
My reflection struggled to look onto the barren winter night
That could provide me no consolation.

Today, I wonder if I ever knew him
If the depiction I created of him in my mind's eye was ever accurate
I thought he was so much like me
But when we separated, observing his behaviors, I felt like I couldn't relate to him
And the more I couldn't relate to him, the more I couldn't relate to myself
The farther we grew from each other
The more cold I grew at heart
I wanted him to care
And yet, I just wanted to live my life without his surveillance
I wanted to explore and make mistakes and have fun
Without hurting him
I think all along, that's what he wanted too.

Those cold and barren memories
Especially the harrowing and excruciatingly painful ones
Are hard to grapple with
I wonder sometimes if I have truly sustained all of that trauma
And because I have, I marvel and I am in awe
Of my tenacity and resilience...
And yet to say that the tenacity and resilience is mine sounds foreign
It couldn't have been me who pulled myself through
I feel like I was supplied with that assistance and guided
With a little help from Serendipity
My gratitude is ineffable-- I feel honored and undeserving to have pulled through my trauma
And I feel obligated to share my story with the world
To prove that there is hope, there is life, there is magic, there is love, there is healing, there is beauty, there is restoration, there is joy...
There is everything you want
Residing in your heart
Holding all the secrets to happiness and health and redemption--
Back to the path of your dreams from which you have strayed
Get off the spacious road where the masses lazily and unknowingly stroll to their graves
Awaken from your sleep walk and pursue your dreams
Because you can, and you will.
I struggle sometimes to believe that I will find love again
But in those moments,
I simply forget
That I am a bearer of love
And that I don't have to wait around for others to love me
Because I can love myself and share love with everyone else
I laugh for thinking such a silly thought
And smile, looking inwardly, at the eternal sunshine emanating from my heart.

Divine fragments
Fall into my mind
Your face,
Your scent,
Your voice and words so eloquent
I spiral through
Everything I love about you
For three days now
I've dreamt of you
And surely,
I have no idea of what to do
These feelings are like a riptide
Pulling me far away from reality
The fantasy of you is nearly drowning me
But being around you is intoxicating
You get my head spinning and my heart racing
My eyes follow you
And my ears hear your every word
Your smile,
The way you comb back you hair
Sends electricity down my spine
And shivers through my body
When I'm home
I see your face
In my mind's eye
And those strong feelings wash over me once again
And pull me out deep into the sea.

Dear girl, dear boy
Dear little child with so much hurt and abuse and harm
Your body has marks and scars and your mind holds the secrets of the hatred you felt and saw that no one who lives a sheltered life could begin to understand
Dear child, living deep within your mind's recesses, living within the inner most part of your being
You have so much God in you,
Even more God than the richest person in the world, or the most fashionable or the most intelligent
I understand you struggle with your self worth
But I'm here to try to help you understand
That there is someone bigger than your problems
Someone bigger than your trauma
Someone you can bring your worn, pummeled body to who will heal you
Heal your soul
Someone who will bring you Justice
And pay retribution to your wrongdoers
Jesus is his name
And he will take care of the child others had battered
The child who lives inside of you.

How can you remember anything
when you’ve turned off your mind
How can you experience anything
when your heart is silenced?

How can you know who you are
when you’re a people pleaser
Smiling fasley
Averting your eyes to conceal your truth deep within

My words pour through me like clashing symbols
Desperately trying to make a statement
Seeking to grab my attention
But I’m elsewhere
I’m never here
Sometimes I subsist in reveries,
But mostly I suffer through nightmares
with eyes wide open

There is a sickness growing silently within me
But I’m not here to tend to it
I sometimes peel back my armor
and re-enter my body
when I’m with another person
whom I believe might be able to receive me fully,
Someone who could possibly see me and love me
But I’m left stranded
After courageously revealing my tender soul
I guess they were simply too blind to see
My pure, childlike beauty
So I stuff my real self down again,
Down underneath my false representative
Below the surface of my fake identity
Is the only place my real self will ever belong

But I can’t accept that,
It’s not my truth
Maybe social conditioning
tells me I must follow the rules
to fit in
But I don’t want to fit in anymore

I feel something rising within me,
Something latent that I’ve dismissed within me for so long
It is my battlecry,
It is my truest song
I just won’t allow fear to hold me back anymore
I’ve got this one life,
And what is it for?
I may have hit countless rock bottoms
But I’ll always rise,
For with every time I rise
I become stronger,
And wiser
And kinder,
Softer, more weathered
But humbled
With every instance my heart was cracked
It opened
Wider and wider

So you see,
I can’t be what you need me to be
I can’t go back to who I used to be
I must answer to this new life beckoning me
I must rise once again
To invite this process of becoming everything I am meant to be.

Sometimes
I still
Think of you

Only hundreds of miles away
A train took me away
So far, far away
To a new day

I regret to say
That even though mostly
I've forgotten
Let go of the past
Finally
Some days I think about you and
Us
The happy and the sad
The times we snuggled up together
In the morning before you had brushed your teeth
So you refused to kiss me
But I still stole kisses from you anyway

And then sometimes
I remember the breakup
And how ugly it got
And how cruel we became
Slandering each other to our friends
And calling each other names
So I wonder if it was true love
Like we said it was
And even if the onlookers disagree
I think I know
That we loved each other, maybe, once

I fear intermittently,
I get terrified
Of the thought
That I will never fall in love again
With someone else
The way I fell in love with you

And some alien longing
That I try so eagerly to repress
Is still beating in my chest
Some wish born 6 years ago
When I was so young
And we held each other in our arms
And I told you I loved you
And you got so excited, you almost cried
And you kept telling me again and again and again
"I love you. I love you. I love you!"

And then eventually,
Months later
those words evaporated
As we separated
And even though we claimed to still love each other
I could no longer find a genuine love in you
And I think it had left me too
Only to be replaced by selfishness and hate

I have
This weird dream
Two people sitting at a screen
One expressing her soul
The other receiving,
Reading
But where does this knowledge go?
My intention is to move your soul
But does it fail?

Sometimes I still think of you
And I find it unwarranted
But I can't help myself from sinking back into the
Warmth of these memories
The nostalgia brings me ease
It takes me back to a time
When I still held hope in my youthful heart
Before the trauma reshaped me
Before the disease
Of my identity
Re-made me
Into this cynical, skeptical being
Who can't receive relief

Sometimes I experience
A vestigial grief
For everything I once had
That I took for granted.

I have a crush
What a rush
I can't push or feel
I just flow and kneel
Just surrender
To this ineffable splendor

Pause and breathe
cause I just have to release
That's the only way
I'll feel ease
It's my heart I want to please

Our eyes
pause on each other
Our mouths
are slightly gaping
I understand so much
in that moment
and know so little

All I can feel is
this rush,
I know this much:
I have a crush.

You're a yellow frothy tide
Hugging my barren hips
And causing me to desire for more life
You're the desert sun to my worshipping cacti
Stretching arms out to you
Soaking in all your glorious scorching love

You're a field of wildflowers
Yellow and green and blue and pink
Making erratic love to the wind
You are the earth beneath my feet,
Between my toes
Beating in my heart

You are the greatest mystery
Unsolvable by any great mind
I turn you over yet still I remain blind
For what a curious creature are you
You keep me on my toes,
You alone are my muse.

You're a sheet on a clothes line
Dancing with the winter winds
Pinned on that gritty string
Waiting for the day your soul will be allowed with all your being, to sing
Your hands are those of a worker,
A simple and practical man
Your face, I remember from long ago
When I looked into a river
From which the rich rain flowed
On this course I must go
Down to this road
That only few know
Please don't whisper in their ears
Where I plan to go
After all these years
Cause it's good time
That I go away
The time is now
And I won't let one more minute stray
No more clinging to the wind
These seeds in my hand
I will plant in ripe soil
No more vain and useless toil
I will not let my heart's musings spoil
There shall be a great unfolding,
In due time
I will plant the seeds today
And reap my harvest for a more promising day
For that sweet future is so near,
It awaits
I feel it so clear
Like the kiss of a cool breeze on my face
This day, this future is near
I can, I can almost hear
The cheerful buzz of spring
Ringing in my ears
I look into your limitness eyes
And I just know,
Our great unfolding is so close, so near
It's almost here.

Is true intelligence committing systems to memory and being able to recognize patterns
Or is it being able to transcend patterns and systems altogether, coming upon the realisation that we are boundless and infinite?

So fickle, us humans are
Running through mazes made by our hearts
Explaining with our minds what once eluded us
Right when we seem to arrive at an ultimate conclusion,
Yet again, we are struck by confusion

The mind has silly loops and trivial rationalizations
We think we know what is well for us and define ourselves with good terms like "smart" and "well-adjusted", "responsible", "successful", maybe even "beautiful" or "dapper" if we're feeling especially confident
But we will never be able to observe ourselves without bias,
And even those who are able to observe our strengths and vices still aren't able to escape the lense of their unique and ingrained bias

So what other way is their to say it,
But that we are merely rats stuck in a maze
Trying to transcend the mediocrity of the maze with reason, or imbue it with meaning, or rely on a religious agenda that promises to save humankind from the vexation of the maze
For we have a flickering inkling, an intuition that has no words
That life was meant to be lived outside of the maze,
Free from it's rigorous and soul draining expectations.

Love is not a prison cell
It shouldn't feel hard, cold, or chaotic
It shouldn't feel like you are existing in hell
And neither partner should be despotic

True love is like a warm summer's day
Or a winter's snow-- Whichever you prefer
Hearts of lover's entwined should burst open like a child's heart at play
Feeling so full of love that all your misery blurs away

But some lovers come crashing down from the high of infatuation
No longer are they able to perceive their lover's beautiful aspects
No more are they able to see through the eyes of their imagination
They can only see a partner full of discrepancies and lack

How do you build a stable foundation under the fleeting sensations of infatuation and attraction?
A foundation can be established, but it takes hard work and effort
It takes more than speaking words, it takes action
It's not easy, but if you really want it, it's a worthwhile endeavor

If you ever find yourself confined by what you call love
But it feels like you're suffocating
Drowning in a bottomless pit of mud
Then it is in your best interest to be liberated

To set ourselves free can be terrifying
Sometimes, we seek comfort in the security of a cage
But our weakest moments are our most fortifying
You can never predict the ending of a story, You just have to turn the page.

Listening to rap
Okay
Well it makes me feel invincible
Wonder what it feels like to be up
On that stage, thousands cheering your name
I would love it
Because I thrive on people's attention
I'm always finding a way to get it
And it drains me
Attention isn't love
It's superficial.

Tell me what it feels like
While tears stream from your eyes
Never seen such beautiful eyes
Makes me thankful
Makes me feel overwhelmed with joy
I can't put it into words
I just want more

Just want more life,
Just want more love
But which way to turn?
One road leads to life
The other leads to burns

Can I love
at the expense of another?
Tell me, anybody,
anybody ....

Just remember,
You can help someone, but you can't be anyone's life-preserver
Or else,
You'll drown with them too.

I'm bursting at the seams because of an untold secret
A harmless attraction that I hide away for reasons I don't understand
My analytical mind tries to frantically reason with me saying:
"If you reveal how you feel you will open yourself up to the possibility of the pain of rejection"
Fear is leading me right now,
But I can't take it anymore
I want to throw fear off of my back,
Open my sails to the winds
And fly into the vastness of possibilities that the endless and uncertain ocean has to offer me
I want to take my life by the reigns and at least try to get what I want
And if I get rejected or fail, at least I've tried
And am better prepared for the next time things don't go the way I planned

It's funny how these irrational fears get weaved into our beings
Seeds of fear were sown when we were defenseless against the many cruelties of the world,
So we built walls around our vulnerable hearts
But sometimes those walls are so tall and secure
That even a trustworthy person is seen as a potential intruder
Who, once allowed inside the interior of the heart,
May ravage it

Well, I'm going to let down my walls a little bit,
Heck, I've grown so much inside,
Changed, rearranged and uprooted so much of what was slowly killing me
I'm not exactly where I want to be
But I'm progressing steadily
Maybe letting the right people in
Is the next step in my journey

This secret can no longer be contained
It sits at the back of my throat,
Like a frog
Ready to leap forth
I deserve what I want
And I deserve to express myself, unabashed
I just can't live a lie anymore,
And living in fear is the grand lie,
But living from Love,
I know what to do,
It whispers softly in my heart:
*Speak the truth.

I remember being a child, going to the circus,
With my little sister and my mother
We rode a yellow taxi into Manhattan
My mother tried to get me to walk up to the elephant
But I adamantly refused, which I later regretted

I was spellbound by the tigers
And told my mother that I was going to train tigers and lions in the circus to jump through hoops when I grow up,
Just one of the many careers I considered in my early life

And what a surprise,
To grow up and incur so many wounds
I never saw my family's dysfunction when I was younger,
I was probably one of the happiest kids ever,
But aren't most kids blissful? Because they don't know
They don't yet fully comprehend the perverse world they have been born into

What a surprise to have my dreams ripped so stealthily from me
To see this jubilant child transformed into a gasping fish on the floor,
Gasping for it's life,
To no avail,
As passerby become bystanders
Looking indifferently at the suffering,
Not being able to feel
Refusing to help

I remember being in my hometown,
Third grade,
Standing at the bus stop with my mother and my younger sister
The sun was setting, dusk
A tattered, leathery old man
Who was extremely drunk,
Tried desperately to get across a wide and busy street
I anxiously looked up to my mother
And begged her to help him, or let me help him
She refused, a scowl on her face,
She excused herself just like everyone else around her,
Like all the people in cars that almost hit him
As he was helplessly on his knees
Fists deep in hot rubble
A drunken daze of anguish on his face,
Paralyzed in this position
And I cried
Letting out little screams
Everytime this poor man
Fell on the ground in front of a car
And I thought I was going to witness the end
Of this helpless man

Another time
I was in Las Vegas
With my pregnant mother, and my sister and my grandparents and my mother's soon to be husband
We took a plane to Las Vegas, I was eight
Because my mother was going to marry my stepfather there, a shot gun wedding,
But something went wrong, and they didn't get married in Las Vegas, but ended up getting married back at home
One night in Las Vegas,
Me and my family were sitting outside in the evening, at a strip mall
I think we were waiting for someone to pick us up,
The only other person there was an overweight man sitting on a bench by himself a few yards away from where my family was sitting
I was walking around, exploring my surroundings,
When I noticed this man sitting by himself
I thought that he looked lonely,
So I sat next to him and started talking to him, asking him how he was,
My mom saw me and yelled at me,
Pulling me away and reprimanding me for talking to strangers
I didn't understand why she couldn't see that I was just trying to be kind to a man that appeared to be lonely

I remember another time,
In 12th grade, I went to a concert with my boyfriend back then,
I was high on a hallucinogenic
It was a Nero concert in Manhattan
I went to the bathroom, waited on a long line,
When I finally got in I saw that there was a side room in the bathroom with plether couches covered in endless puke
A woman who looked a lot older than the majority of people at the concert,
Probably in her 30s
Fell on the floor and hit her skull so hard I heard it hit the ground
While the girls in front of me, white girls who were probably sorority girls, pointed their fingers at her, laughing to themselves
Took out a digital camera and started to record her
I got off the line to the bathroom to help her up,
Of course, right when I did this, those girls came to their senses and got in touch with their rarely used empathy
I took her to the room with puke covered couches to tend to this tall, sad woman
I asked her what she was on,
Shrooms
And probably tons of liquor
I asked her if she was okay, how did she feel?
I walked out of the bathroom with her,
Where my boyfriend was waiting for me
Next to him was this blonde ****
She walked to him
I asked him who the hell he was
He was so smug it made me sick
He looked way too young to be with her,
But this woman reassured me that she was with him
My boyfriend discouraged me from starting a fight with this smug loser
I just wanted to punch all of the haughtiness out of him
But all I could do was I look sadly on
As I saw this strange tall woman,
Too inebriated to stand
Walked away with this evil hearted man

The whole world is a circus
We're told to spend all our money on college,
That that will make us good humans
We judge people by so much criteria that isn't even important
We waste all our money on college degrees and then end up working minimum wage jobs anyway
We overlook the poor and suffering,
Because it doesn't advance us in our self progression in any way
We are such a ******* self centered nation,
It makes me ******* sick,
We're so disrespectful, unempathetic, uncaring, unloving, cruel
We don't have God
We rely only on ourselves
God is love
But who are we, without God?
Savage, cruel, hungry souls
Ready to devour any helpless soul that appears to be weaker than us
So we can pummel them
And destroy them,
In an attempt to steal the little life they have left in them to revive our hearts of coal
This is the world I live in,
I'm not going to try to pretend cruelty isn't real and prevalent
I am in this world, but not from it
And oneday I will go home,
To Love, to God,
Away from all this craziness of the world that brings pulls at my heart and brings tears to my eyes.