It’s funny how I spent most of my life and education in school thinking I was someone special when in reality I am nothing of that sort. Just people in the education system and adults telling me so in maybe in a sort of confidence? Whether it be for good intentions or just that they didn’t know any better. In a work or classroom environment, it is a linear format. Problem, solution, execute, it was easy to continue and just focus on the goal and that made things easy to do. Just follow and continue to the next problem at hand. It can be seen that I have my **** together, but I just know how to play the game that is expected of us to do. Which is easy to do and saying that makes me sound like a robot or someone who has been brainwash. That can be the case depending on who you talk to. As much I see myself as an individual who sees the world in a certain light and feels as if they have some new and amazing meaning of life… it is all the same… it is just mashed up together in some pile of construct meaning that each person can look into and see what fits for them.
Like religion, philosophy, motivation, all subjective and can be anything. Meaning and happiness is everything and nothing. You can’t find it, its something that is found and even if you have it you might not know it. You continue to fall into the game of life and abide by society’s rules and continue to each path that may shut you down and kick you down. All because our forefathers pass down to us and continue to pass down. Maybe I just don’t know the meaning to life itself or true happiness, just finding temporary happiness that can sustain me in a matter of days or months but soon it will end once I reach to the emptiness of my room and the demons in my head that swirls around in a fucken **** storm, slowly feeling disconnected to reality and transported to a whole new world you didn’t know it exists or if you can escape. From here the whole world is in your head, filled with expectations and all the voices of the people and thoughts of you, for you. Your thoughts are clouded and can’t seem to find your own voice. I do my best to try and speak my true voice and have a creative outlet to do so, but once I were to take the time to let that voice out, I find it locked away and can’t get out, and my mind goes crazy. Locked in this swirl of thoughts and dreams and worlds I created.
I became good at creating worlds to which I escape in my thoughts, where all is possible and I am disconnected but yet there in my own world. The feelings of these worlds almost make me feel like that my made-up world is the true world but soon I get pulled back into a dull world in which I find myself just putting up a mask and doing what I need to do. With this curse it is hard to communicate to others in a way to find some common ground and have a level of understandment but with each generations and society changes it hard to find that common ground as social media paints a perfect world that most will try to get and if no one fits that profile, they move on and don’t engage. They move to find their perfect world. In most cases they face reality and find other options, then there is me who can’t find a place anywhere. Nowhere in my life do I find a good place where I can back up and say this is home, this is where I belong. Family and friends sometimes make me feel like this but in the end, once I am alone with these thoughts… it all changes. I am transported to whole new worlds where in my room I am a teleporter, and can just escape from everything.
I dream of different situations that can happen and feel it can happen. I call to god to guild me and call to hear his voice or anyone to give me something and the more and more I ask and the more I won’t get anything direct, the more I feel alone in the world. I personally don’t believe in religion in the form of traditions. Rather I am more spiritual that there is something out there that can provide something and hold secrets that we cannot know until we die. This can be a god or something of that sort. I enjoy philosophy as it can bring new answers to people’s lives and maybe a moral code to follow. Which can be its own god, but religion here lead by humans, is broken and bound to be broken since the unity of religion is broken down to the individual based on their own core believes and what they feel to be right. Which in the end when judgment comes its based on you and not what traditions you followed. And yet, with this in mind I still seek God and beg him to come to me and hear his voice and just sit down and talk to him.
I am nothing special, I am just a person who is trying to figure out this broken world. Trying to find the little happiness I can find and find someone who can give the same amount of time and energy I give for another person. Just going through and playing the game and do what you need to do. Questioning everything and just trying to escape from this world and go into one of many worlds I created and be free. Instead, the fight continues where I am trying to escape my mind and find one true self in this world and hope to find true happiness and have the life I dream of. But it gets harder and harder as the demons come closer and closer each time I am alone in my thoughts… I just want to be free… I just want to find me… I am just trying to escape my mind…. God please come and help me… I am just trying to find peace… help…