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Moi mouchard ?... oui, madame Phaïlle,
Comme on Vous nomme dans l'endroit,
Que Tu ravis avec ta taille,
Où tu prends du bout d'une paille,
Au temps chaud, ton sorbet... très froid.

À l'Ictinus ! près de la place
Et du palais de Médicis,
Tu t'asseyais, pâle, un peu lasse ;
Et ta grenadine à la glace
Souriait, rose, à mon cassis.

Beau café ; terrasse ; pratique
Chère aux chanteurs du vieux Faubourg ;
À proximité fantastique
De l'Odéon ; vue artistique
Sur les arbres du Luxembourg.

Je disais ? ah !... ceci, Madame,
Que s'il est un pauvre mouchard
Sur la galère noire où rame
L'esclave du Paris infâme,
Sans l'excuse d'être pochard,

C'est moi, je n'en connais pas d'autre,
Chefs ni roussins. C'est entendu.
Ah ! si ! j'en connais un... l'apôtre...
Ô catholiques, c'est le nôtre ;
Oui, le seul... qui se soit pendu.

Nul n'a ramassé son nom sale ;
L'amour n'a plus redit ce nom.
La chose était trop... colossale !
Qu'un père appelle... Élagabale
Son fils... à la rigueur... mais... non.

Ah ! Madame ! que ça de fête !
J'en connais un second : Javert.
Le Javert chéri du poète,
Qui dit la messe... avec sa tête !
Triste prêtre du bonnet vert !

Mais ça vous pose ! on vous renomme
Chez les gueux et chez les richards !
On croit troubler le pape à Rome !
Et ça fait de vous un grand homme,
Vénéré de tous les mouchards.

Mon Javert, dit-il, est honnête.
Honnête ! où vas-tu te fourrer ?
Ce n'est pas sublime, c'est bête :
Autant contempler la lunette
Où le trou du cul vient pleurer.

Un mouchard, mais ça vend son âme !
Comment, son âme ! son ami !
Ça vendrait son fils ; une femme !
Pourquoi non ? C'est dans... le programme,
On n'est pas honnête à demi.

Ça vendrait n'importe laquelle
D'entre les femmes d'à présent !
Quand je songe que la séquelle
Pourrait t'effleurer de son aile
Ne serait-ce qu'en te rasant,

Comme Éole, qui souffle et cause
Des ravages dans le faubourg
Où, la nuit, Montmartre repose,
Peut importuner une Rose
Dans le jardin du Luxembourg ;

Moins : comme le zéphir, qui rôde,
Vent, on peut dire, un peu balourd,
Mais bon zouave, allant en maraude,
Peut froisser la Fleur la plus chaude
Des plus blanches du Luxembourg ;

Moins : comme une anthère blessée
Par la brise folle qui court,
Sa chemisette retroussée,
Peut entêter une Pensée
La plus belle du Luxembourg.

Moins : comme la vergue cassée
D'un marin, retour de Cabourg,
Fier de sa flotte cuirassée,
Fait se tourner une Pensée
Vers le bassin du Luxembourg ;

Moins : comme une vesce élancée
Par une bague de velours,
Lui fichant sa douce fessée,
Distrait la plus sage Pensée
De l'un et l'autre Luxembourgs ;

Rien que ça ! ce serait la pire
Des injustices envers Toi.
Il est minuit, je me retire.
D'ailleurs, j'ai quelque chose à dire
Au Préfet de Police, moi.

Toi, toutes les femmes sont bonnes,
Tu m'entends ; seules, ou par deux ;
N'appartenant qu'à leurs personnes ;
Quant à tes mouchards... ces colonnes ?
Dis plutôt... ces bâtons merdeux,

Tu vas tous les foutre à la porte ;
Mais, en assurant leurs vieux jours ;
Jusqu'à l'heure où le char emporte,
La dernière... retraite... morte,
Et laisse faire les amours.

Ce sont tes pieds ? Chacun y pisse.
Honneur aux pieds estropiés !
Mais les tiens ! tu sais où ça glisse !
Donc... mon beau Préfet de Police,
Laisse-moi... te laver les pieds...

Assieds-toi ; jette au feu ta honte,
Au vent tous tes affreux papiers !
Fais remplir un bassin en fonte ;
Comme les pieds des douze, compte...
Laisse-moi... te laver les pieds...

Tes pieds aussi noirs que la suie,
Comme moi-même je les eus,
Baignant dans les eaux de sa pluie,
Et souffre que je les essuie
Avec le linge de JÉSUS.

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I have been waking to a mouth of feathers,
grinding teeth in my sleep
and dreaming of Luxembourg.

Giants surround me and call me 'friend'.
I can't see the stars
for their mobile phones,

for their fat wallets and career plans.
I have no coastlines to wander;
only old paths I can cross once again.

I have learned to speak in a thousand tongues
and yet still have little to offer.
Let me buy you a drink,

let me adjust awkwardly in your gaze.
I have seen too many wars
pass over my head,

and now I am looking for love once again.

Everyone has that place they go to when the world is too much with them. Or at least, near everyone. Mine is dark, like the sea, and it’s full of stars. It’s not quiet. It’s endless and orchestral, swirling with symphonies that I haven’t quite heard yet, symphonies that are always just a galaxy out of reach.

And sometimes it’s full of fields. I’m from the city, but they feel like home. They circle me and the sky is blindingly blue and I count my breaths: One, Two, Three, and so on. Until softly the wind blows and there I can imagine a different sort of song -- it doesn’t elude me; it consumes me. It’s there in the breeze, in the drifting bits of dust and pollen and tiny particles of sunshine. It’s great and beautiful and the first song that anyone ever heard.

And every so often. Only every so often. That song changes. It’s still within reach, but it’s a different tune. The song is light with floating, glowing ash; it’s heavy with a million voices and laughs and other songs; it drips with summer drinks and rushes through my soul. I am not alone in some black, celestial ocean or alone in golden labyrinths; home is no imagined place, nor are others just comforting phantoms. I am with them. It is more breathtaking than the stars, and more blinding than the sky.

It was like this that my summer began. In musical swells of escapism, visions of melodramatic beauty, grander than my true surroundings. It was built up like Fitzgerald crafted the West Egg, and it nearly ended much the same way; a journey homewards marked with disillusionment.

First came the traveling. I had hoped to find something I’d lost, and started out my search in the throbbing streets of Barcelona, saturated with sunlight during the days and at night with the sounds from sports bars as the football games ended, or young lovers’ laughter along the clear, black Mediterranean coast. Even the most hushed, winding alleys were full of something; perhaps this was just some magical element I conjured to make every moment new and original.

In Spain I found sea food and chilled beer and a bright rose to color my cheeks. I found churches crafted with dizzying dedication, art that made my heart stop, that somehow filled the world with its own sort of symphony.

Then came Paris. There was wine, red and deep and romantic, wine that Hemingway might have brooded over, or that Audrey Hepburn could have brought to her lips on some glamorous getaway from her Roman home. I found walls too, covered with Degas, with Monet and Manet alike, with Da Vinci and the rest. I discovered what it feels like to survey the Luxembourg Gardens on a July day, from a high shady point where despite denim shorts and a boulangerie sandwich, you’re aware that you’ve been graced with something that holds a euphoric regality.

And finally came a trip to Maine. On the shores of Bar Harbor I saw the endless pines and clear blue waters that spelled out the promised land for the first explorers. Atop Cadillac Mountain, as I burrowed into my father’s jacket and hid my face from the wind, I found the stars, as endless as I’d dreamt. They danced for me as for Van Gogh and I could have died up there. I found cool mornings to be filled with walks to rocky shores, and tea and berries and books. There was a different quality here than had been in my European travels. It was introspective and quiet aside from the chirps of crickets and birds and the laps of waves on dark cliffs. I loved it.

Each place held its own collection. Sand and shells and Spanish fans; metro tickets and corks and long linen dresses lightened on the bottom from the waters of the Seine; sea glass pulled from the harbor and dream catchers and endless dog-eared pages. Physical, tangible, ephemeral things for me to grasp onto. I added them to my character, grafted them to my bones, made them my own.

But what use is imagined significance; I hadn’t grown or changed or even learned what it was I had been looking for. I was several weeks older, I had seen a few more corners of the world, granted meaning to trinkets and decided they added to my worth.

It was August then. Shorter days for fluttering leaves and the understanding that nothing separated me from the person I had been aside from the hours between us. Direction in life can’t be dreamt up, it’s earned. It’s what you’re allowed to have after you’ve fallen down and picked yourself back up. I fell, but chose to imagine a new self in faraway places where my troubles couldn’t find me amidst the breezy, sunny crowds.

The cobblestone Parisian streets, the docks of Barcelona, the coves of Maine; they were only where I fled to when my own world was too much with me. When I couldn’t find any use in continuing as myself, I invented a girl laughing on the edge of l’Arc de Triomphe, wading quietly into the inky mystery of the warm sea, or hiding in pine forests with a copy of Wuthering Heights and a serious demeanor. She was the same girl that lost herself into empty fields and dark oceans of stars.

Only one thing stopped the self-absorption that had claimed me that summer. It was nothing fateful; nothing original. I didn’t traverse the world to see this, and the experience was not mine alone. It didn’t hold any old hollywood glamour, nor was it the topic of any of Hemingway’s books. Or maybe it was. It was true, after all. It was the truest thing I did the entire summer; it wasn’t adorned with portraits or cathedrals or soaring landscapes because it didn’t need to be. Hemingway, I think, might have liked that. What I’m going on about now is that Every-So-Often moment. It doesn’t stand lonely in my memory, like so many of the others might. It’s brimming not with strangers and false romantic visions, but with the company of those souls you’re allowed to feel like you’ve known for your entire life, for more than your entire life. The sounds of empty seas and shapeless symphonies have no part; instead, there’s the strumming of guitars with songs so familiar they place an ache right in the core of you. You ache because that moment, full of bonfire and friends and song, is becoming you in a way that nothing else could have (for all of your efforts). It’s a beautiful ache, the one you get when you’ve come home after a long time spent lost and away.

Stalks of bronze leaves croon and
the manicured trees burst jade
against the sky, dangling over
tilted dark green benches.
I pretend to read,
trailing over the pages the oily noses of
dark-eyed, wide hipped nannies
willowy limbed women whose
scarves unfurl under artless chignons,
business men with careful mouths,
long, frecking strides.

He broke the fourth wall without warning and
my laugh was sporadic while I crumbled,
under the slightest of foreign touches, there,
above my shoulder blades,
where another hand
once brushed.

Au Luxembourg souvent, lorsque dans les allées
Gazouillaient des moineaux les joyeuses volées,
Qu'aux baisers d'un vent doux, sous les abîmes bleus
D'un ciel tiède et riant, les orangers frileux
Hasardaient leurs rameaux parfumés, et qu'en gerbes
Les fleurs pendaient du front des marronniers superbes,
Toute petite fille, elle allait du beau temps
À son aise jouir et folâtrer longtemps,
Longtemps, car elle aimait à l'ombre des feuillages
Fouler le sable d'or, chercher des coquillages,
Admirer du jet d'eau l'arc au reflet changeant
Et le poisson de pourpre, hôte d'une eau d'argent ;
Ou bien encor partir, folle et légère tête,
Et, trompant les regards de sa mère inquiète,
Au risque de brunir un teint frais et vermeil,
Livrer sa joue en fleur aux baisers du soleil !

A faded photograph
Hangs on the wall
Evoking memories
Of times gone before
Transporting me back
To younger days
Of innocence and dreams
Of simpler ways

Those vintage times
When life was fun
With skies of blue
Endless days in the sun
Carefree years
Of summer wine
Status Quo on the record player
Singing Sweet Caroline

"Every Sha la la la
Every wo wo wo still shines.."
Why can I still remember
All the lines
Of those songs played
Oh, so long ago
Across the waves
Of my radio?

"I think I love you
Isn't that what I'm afraid of?.."
Lyrics never forgotten
45 rpm statements of love
Radio Luxembourg playing
Hidden under the covers
With melodies about life
Betrayal and lovers

"You're the best thing
That ever happened to me..."
Nothing learnt in school recalled
So well as lyrics from '73
Dancing Queen was another
Vinyl classic joining the mix
To enter my subconscious
In 1976

I glance in the mirror
Expecting to see
A reflection of the girl
Who used to be me
Someone carefree
Someone bold
Instead, I see an image
Of a woman growing old

The years have flown
For this troubled soul
Who's lived a life
Which has taken it's toll
The eyes are tired
The hair's turning grey
The heart's battered with scars
The wrinkles here to stay

Then I think of those songs
From the days of my youth
Considered classic gems
Now I'm long in the tooth
They're still being played
Still giving pleasure
Just like the old girl in the mirror
They're vintage treasure

Nicki Tilston.