i don't think
you realise just
how much you've done
to change me
break me
because even now that
you're gone
I can't help but feel you
everywhere

we were at the park
at 2am
we snuck over the gate
and I swear I've never
felt so free in my life.
leaning against a tree
you kissed me for the first time,
you traced my hair down to my
waist
and told me you loved it
more when it was short
because then I wouldn't hide
behind it
away from your eyes

one night when we
drank so much we couldn't
walk
you told me how you
didn't like seeing me destroy myself
but you admitted that you
loved the taste of *****
when you kissed me
(and the colour of my lips after you did too)


you carved our initials
into the tree we had
our first kiss against
and although I laughed,
telling you how cheesy you
were being
I never admitted how much
I loved it

I remember how much you
loved art
you were always
using the colour purple
you said it made
everything beautiful,
it made everything look like art

but now you're gone
and I've cut my hair shorter
now
just how you loved it
and I drown myself in *****
hoping you'll come and kiss me.
I've bought 20 lipsticks
to try and match the colour you
made mine when we kissed.

they cut the tree down.
and now there's blood
all over the floor
and my hands are shaking.
I've been trying to carve those
initials you made, into my skin
I need to keep us alive somehow
but ****
I can't get your writing right
and I'm starting to feel faint

I start punching the mirror
and bruises are forming
my skin is turning blue, green, purple
...
purple.
I keep punching the walls - purple.

I start punching myself
hoping to cover my skin in bruises
because then maybe I'll look
beautiful to you again.

like art.

you know for ages
I thought I was finally getting
over you
my mind was filled with
other thoughts
but at 4:36 I woke up
this morning
and realised how stupid
id been

of course I still miss
you
and it wasn't the empty
space next to me that reminded me.
it was the knots in my hair
I got from turning in my sleep
so much because even
in my dreams
you aren't mine

it's hearing a text on
my phone
and my breath catching
in my throat
because I'm hoping it's you

I'm not sure if I'm
angry at you.
how could I be?
whenever someone asks
about you
I never know what to say.
...an ex-almost?

that's what kills me the most.
we could have been...
something.
and the only way I can
somehow fall asleep
at night without
saying goodnight to you
is to remember we are under
the same galaxy,
you're made of bones
just like him, and him,
and her.

you're a part of me
you're in my veins and I've
done all I can to get you
out
but it just won't work.
it won't work.
please make it stop.
I guess some nights
when we're both filled with
***** we'll finally have
the same thing running
through our veins

I like to tell people
I don't have a heart,
what are feelings anyway?
but you,
you remind me that I have one
because I can feel it breaking

I remember that you
always had a pen in your
hand, tapping away
god, that was annoying.
but now I can't hold a pen
without replicating your
actions just to feel
less lonely
do you remember how
I good I am at lying?
you told me that once.

it scares me that you've
forgotten me
because all I remember is you
you
you
you
but it scares me even more
that one day I might forget you
because then I won't have
something to remind
me how to feel

maybe one day
10 years from now
you'll feel your heart sink
because the red wine in your
glass isn't dark enough
to match my red lipstick
or you'll remember me
when that girl makes you
coffee
and puts too much
milk
and the brown doesn't resemble
my eyes anymore

maybe one
day you'll realise what could
have been
but it will be too late
I'll stop running to you
because I got burned everytime
and I have tears running
down my face now
and you aren't here to
help me
*******
why aren't you here?

I never believed in fate,
that the universe somehow
controlled who we met
but I guess I have to
thank the universe
for at least letting you
stop by.

-
I'm okay now.
you're out of my system,
my blood no longer has
your poison
I don't wake up at 4:36 anymore

I'm okay, I don't love you.






(remember how good I was at lying?)

when you waved and smiled
i thought for a second
maybe
just maybe you waved at me
but i was dumb and wrong
because i turned around
and saw a pretty girl with perky eyes

ive never known love
ive never had the feeling
that someone will always
be willing to hold your hand
and thinks you're beautiful
when you haven't showered for two days
and how even when you feel so small
they make you feel big again

i wish i knew
oh god i want to know
love is like a secret
everyone knows but you
love is like an inside joke
your friends never told you
the whole world seems in love
and here i am

because you only like the girls
with cherry lips
and buys tongues
and laughs that carry
through a storm
i am not one of those girls
you like girls with warm hearts
and although mine is warm
hers is burning hot
and mine is a lingering luke warm

and ****, i bet your lips taste like diet coke and mint
and i bet every time that stupid song comes on
you sing really loudly
and i bet you and her dance to it
because you are in on the secret
that is better known as love

the way life used to be
isn't what i miss,
it's each individual moment-
lapsing over and over one another
creating an inconceivable picture
of everything i love,
now lost

up-close in the paved
walkway boneyard

this is where it will begin,
   so bring your questions.
glimpse into the future.
  standing face to face,
one moment you'll never forget.

immerse yourself

fulfill these dreams, without
leaving a single breath.
                          
           breathtaking.

the same old sense of awe is still
of the most complex nature.

When you leave, go without a whisper,
as though you were never here. 
Do not leave tear stains on my pillow or kiss my eyes and beg them not to cry.

Dissipate, let the thin air replace you. Leave no echo, no trace of your existence, 
no backward pity glance at what might have been, 

**** the drawn out goodbye, the heartfelt speech, the apologies for the inevitable.

It's not you it's me.....It's always me.

Let the truth hang  above my broken form, swaying as the ceiling creaks under its bitter weight. I will dance to it's rhythm soon enough.

Then cease.

it's about learning that love doesn't come with an address
rather, a skeleton you hung in the subconscious element of your closet
i'm learning the grey area that resulted in the clash of our existences is something i don't fundamentally need
three days ago i realized its something i don't want
hey i'm still writing to you as if it were my career and i'm learning that
with you, i never had to taste the metallic tone of closure
i just, left. you didn't know
my last "i love you" would be the last and
instead of writing you novels and sobbing in between
every page, i stomped my feelings into bottles and lately i've been busy imagining the emotion that comes along with splitting a fine wine thats festered in my gut for quite some time
maybe i'll share it with my mirror,
sleeping on the floor is becoming much too frequent as is getting drunk off of emotion, only to
wish you were here