Rain or shine,
and whether or not I had argued with my family,
the screen flickered to life
and my heart skipped a beat.
Something was different in the
television.
There were nights where I would
talk to cast members,
tears streaming down my face
because I hated myself,
and I would go to sleep grinning like crazy.
It's one thing to be in love with a person,
but the butterflies in my belly came from
a whole world.
A kingdom, called Everealm.
Where the only monster was Verlox,
not me,
and there were ballads,
not the quiet cry of a lonely girl.
Knights in shining armour,
a handful of princess warriors who
held on tight.

Everealm felt like a dream, thousands of miles
and a few worlds away.
But it was always there for me,
even that night when my mom
thought I couldn't keep myself safe,
and I had to go to a crisis center.
But I came home to army of heroes
who took me in as their own,
and taught me that I was
one of them.

A hero,
not because I wielded a Sunspear,
but because I kept going.
I had enough reasons not to go on,
it'd be easy to give up.
But there was The Quest,
and that gave me my own quest-
to dance my way through this storm,
and then pull others out of theirs.

After all,
there's a hero in all of us.

You just need to find it.

anger. i write with tears in my eyes because i am angry to be proven right. when i am forbade from sharing my poetry, proving me right of the times when i said NOBODY CARES, i am so angry that there are tears in my eyes. i'm going to make you read this and you are going to look at me and say nothing. you never say anything except 'ok' and you can't see it but that's so FRUSTRATING. do i only deserve two letters from you? all the times you've said in few words that i was wrong when i said you don't care about me, that nobody does, you were lying. i should have known better. the explanation for my tears? you, and her.

there's a drain
in this ******
middle school bathroom.
shoulder to shoulder
stalls,
and toilet paper stuck
here, there,
and above me.
one light has burnt out,
and it smells like
feminine products,
cherry lip gloss,
and electric nerves.
but there is a drain,
and it is my favorite part.
because if my eyes squeeze shut
then i am bones,
liquefied,
slipping into the spaces,
joining the world underneath.
and i reform,
i solidify as a crying little girl,
who still has to do math tests.

r.c.

and i was like
maybe i can get this poem out,
get the life in me out.
but i am falling asleep,
skin on fire.

People told me you were a smoker-
nothing but trouble,
and that you were left overs
from girls who had left because they were
scared
I didn't listen, I just wanted to kiss
away the nicotine, I got withdrawls without
being addicted, and our lips never met
because I kept shoving you away,
you kept reaching for the skin under my 
'Fall Out Boy' t-shirt 
And you told me that I made you hot,
and I just giggled and said you didn't
need me, you were the hottest guy I had ever seen
but I knew what you meant,
I could feel the desire on your breath
against my neck

you took me to a concert
with the music blaring in my ears, I could
barely hear what you said but I could see
the way your eyes moved and the way that my heart started to sink
when our eyes met
so our sweaty bodies pressed against eachother in time to the music
and I laughed when you sang those songs about love and heartbreak
staring at me, because I didn't realize (I never realized)
that I meant that much to you 
(I thought it was always a joke, the way you needed me. I didn't
understand that the music spoke to you about me)

I asked you, still wearing the t-shirt (much to your dismay)
which Fall Out Boy song
could be ours, and as you stared
at the anchor (I asked you to lift your eyes but you wouldn't)
you chose Alone Together, or 
was it The Phoenix, I couldn't remember,
but you said I was your phoenix,
and I laughed and compared you to Albus Dumbledore,
but inside I wasn't laughing, because there was
fiery desire in your finger tips,
and I wondered if I really would burst into flames
(or tears, but either way, would I come back to life?)
But I thought it was the coolest thing
that you thought I was **** (like Finn said to Rachel during their
prom king and queen dance)

but inside I stared at you the same way
watching my heart slowly crack because I was never as desirable
as pretty as she could be.
you deserved to be with somone like her,
someone who's body fits perfectly into yours
who would fit right into a magazine photoshoot right beside you
while I took the photographs of the perfect couple..
I put on my best clothes and dressed up hoping to look like sleeping beauty to you 
but you laughed at me and asked why I looked so fancy
we were only watching Peter Pan, like we did every friday
(and I was Tinkerbell, because you were too blinded by someone else 
to see me)

I remember that I asked you, on a Wednesday 
(you pointed out my bracelet and told me it was **** Day,
and winked, and I shuddered inwardly)
why you left the last girl-
and you said because she was a princess
and I was a queen,
and I laughed and threw my arms around your neck
and we kissed and I tasted nicotine, your hands were cold
against my neck.
That was it. That was my wake up call.
I was nothing but a body to you,
my chest and rear were big,
larger than most,
so I shoved you away again, and then turned on my heel,
and said 'you are my ashes, and I have risen out of you',
and then I was gone on my Phoenix Wings.
But that was not the end of it,
because then I visited her, your ex,
and I told her what happened, and let myself cry a little,
and the two of us watched Peter Pan,
and I made a friend, because we had both dated Captain Hook.

to try

is to waste the last of my energy.
as i lay broken and exposed on a cold floor,
i cry until the heat on my skin is enough to
shatter the building.

to try

is to tear out the hearts of
pure people.
as i burn too bright to handle,
i darken the souls of angels.

to try

is to make the stolen kisses
last too long.
a kiss on the lips of that gorgeous girl,
knowing she's a *****.
a kiss on the lips of that perfect boy,
knowing he's to be married soon enough.
a kiss on the lips of death,
knowing that there's no reason to continue.

to try

is to make the drowning go faster.

to try

is to die.

trigger
trigger
trigger
maybe i'm pullin' a gun.
surprised the cops ain't come runnin',
because i'm trigger happy, nothing's stoppin'
the pain.
nothing's stoppin' the blood, except the sheriff who rolled into town
unwelcome,
maybe i gotta shoot him too.
i lose everyone, might as well
shoot him too.
trigger
trigger trigger
trigger trigger
maybe i'm pullin' a gun.

i tried to look through your eyes today

at me, me, the girl who trusted you, (who trusts you, maybe...)

i saw a girl who sat, almost at your feet for God's sake,

and let words pour out of my mouth like i was
throwing up last nights dinner, because i hadn't eaten that night

and i saw a girl who couldn't face the mirror, because she
doesn't know how to act around strangers

there was a girl who made me sad, made me wish i could take
all the pain away

i saw a girl who was constantly HIDING (no, i was just... okay, maybe i was hiding) in too big sweaters and buns, long sleeves and leggings

dear GOD, its nearly 90 degrees outside, why are you wearing long sleeves?

because she has squiggly ink on her arms she doesn't want you to see

oh, oh but i figured it out

she wears these things because she's hiding

this is what you see- you see me, like nobody else

ever

has

r.c.

i remember comfort all through my body but then this
pain... it was this horrible pain in my stomach
but i could push it away enough to give him my soul.
it was what he wanted, right?
telling myself i had some part of him was delusional, he only gave me
a character he created. but i took it, no questions asked.
he claimed to buy me, but he only rented me.
looking back, i realize the pain was a warning.
because he was a predator and i, his prey,
but he took my innocence
and still wanted to pray.
i didn't ever ever ever think he was taking my being,
but then i was no longer whole.
and now i know.

Call me your queen, say the stars shine for me, and kiss me like it's been forever since our bodies met (but it's been never ever ever) and keep me on your mind at midnight, six in the morning, how about forever? And you and I, we'll live forever on that tree, on your skin (or did you grow the courage to remove us from your forearm?) and in these scars on my fragile heart. You and I are that star, remember? 10 to the left and 2 up, for our shared birthday. You and I live in those time stained, ripping, beautiful papers where we spoke of dreams and I confessed about my visions of dying and how then people would really see me, and you said baby, they already have, we were so young but now those papers are so old. And you and I, you and I are forever but never ever ever.

r.c.

sometimes for a minute I forget that I don't exist In your mind
you're the one that keeps me breathing when I'm pushed into the ocean
and yet you don't even realize that you're the air in my lungs when I
struggle to move through the dark waters
but that's okay because I would rather have you hold me up and not know it
than not have you there to keep me from drowning

The moon showed me exactly what was inside of your soul
And I wondered if the stars showed you what was in mine,
if you could see me as I shattered, as I exploded into nothing but star
dust.
And then you asked me if it was alright if you
came closer, and fixed me, and I said- yes, just don't hurt me,
and you didn't. Piece by piece, you put me
together,
and your hands bled onto my skin, and we mixed together
as skin and breath,
because you understood me, you had once upon a shadow been
where
I
stood. At the ledge, almost falling
And now you were there again to rescue me.

you held me that night at the bridge
when all I wanted to do was fall,slowly, but not for you
i'd already fallen for you, and I didn't realize you cared.
but then you jumped out of the shadows,
grabbed my wrists, looked me in the eyes
and told me that I was worth more than what I was doing
as you pulled me away from the bridge you reminded
me that I was beautiful (you reminded me of this
many times with your musical voice, I just forget
each time because you've put me together so many times)

I thought it was funny, how you could save me but i couldn't help
You, i found it comical that maybe I hadn't even
said my first words or
Walked towards the light,
when you were struggling like i was
Now, and when my laughter broke the humid night air,
You were confused, so i laughed harder and pointed at the ledge
That you pulled me back from and said
'That's why i wanted to fall- because you keep saving
Me, and i cannot save you, you might not need saving but i am
Weak, worthless, useless, i am done'
And i sprinted towards oblivion but you still held me and
No matter how many times i screamed and hit you
You would not let go.

you amaze me that way.
why would you hold someone so broken
that she wants to drop off the end of oblivion
never to be seen again by anyone breathing
(or anyone who has ever breathed, if I had gotten my way)
you held me so tight that the only person I could harm
was you
why would you do that? why would you
let me hurt you just so I could not hurt myself
so I could not rip myself into millions of pieces
you've pulled me back from the edge of the world
where I would've fallen if you hadn't pulled me back
with your gentle hands dragging me away from where I stood
grabbing my arms and keeping me there
so instead of falling off the bridge I fell for you.

I slid to the ground, and your arms
Were
Still
Around
Me,
and your breath still held because you cared
and you wanted me to be alright,
or at least alive
and thanks to you,
I was.

Its 1 o clock in the morning,
There's too many hours in the clicking
Of that old ceiling fan.
And if it fell out of its hole,
And hit me,
Would you send flowers?
I think of bumping into you,
Somewhere big.
So nobody notices the sobs,
From both of us.
You cry because my skin is
Ugly
And I cry because your eyes are
Tired.
I wonder (1:05, why can't I sleep?)
If your smile (it never stopped)
Would falter,
With my stories of pain.
(You never stopped smiling, but
Missing you is stopping time)
(1:05)
Click, click.
Maybe I'll write you a letter.
Maybe I'll send it.
(Its 3:30)
One more word on the paper.
Sorry, and it's slanted, floating off its line
Misplaced, like I,
Before sleep.

r.c.

Some nights I can't close my eyes without
seeing everything I feared,
feeling every horrible thing
(every horrible thing, every horrible thing ever)
and I just stare at the ceiling, imagining stars
where our names were written

we carved our names into a tree as well as the stars
we tried to be like the movies, and in a way,
it was even better than the movies
but I can still remember the feel of your lips against
mine as I stare up at that ceiling and wish
I could feel the way your body moves again,
just one more time to say goodbye
to the way you felt.

Some nights I look up at the real stars,
where my dreams lay,
and on the heels of my bare feet (the grass is cool, and keeps my raging fever from
growing to the size of the sky)
and I wonder if you're somewhere
looking up at them too,
and if the moonlight is kissing your lips as I once did
but I do not miss you, because after a while,
the strength drained out of us, and we were only met
at the lips, and never eye to eye

when I first met you, I first noticed your eyes.
that's why it was so hard when we never met eye to eye anymore
your eyes shone out in the darkness I walked in
and I knew that I had to have you near me.
you must've thought the same thing because you never
let go of me until we both realized that it was over,
that we would be stuck looking up at the sky
with a telescope of feelings,
wanting the way our eyes first met back.

but it wouldn't happen,
so I've chosen to pretend that,
like our love,
the stars have burned out.
its over.

and at times, i wonder if you've ever really seen her, beautiful her. in those moments when her heart is beating fast because she's being smart, and when her eyes are watery because she's drowning in memories. she's so beautiful, can't you see it? when her cheeks are rosy red and her hair is mussy. shy, humble. have you ever really looked at her? her heart spills out and she is surrounded by an air of love. she's breathtaking, especially when her breath has been taken, haven't you noticed? haven't you noticed how bright her eyes are when she loves you? she wants to be yours and it's a beautiful sight, you should see her. **you should see her, you would fall in love the same way she crashed into being in love with you