i am in a haze today. it is cloudy and beautiful outside. it is also pressing down on my chest and i struggle for air. i wore your shirt to bed last night and it helped steady my oxygen supply. i wish you were here to say my name and speak to me in my native tongue to remind who i am and where i've come from. i'm forgetting everything, slowly. recreating yourself is only good when you haven't done it five thousand times over. i just want to be me now. but how do i become me if there is no you? pick me up from the library and walk me to class. hold my hand and tell me that you will stay with me no matter how grey the sky is or how cold my fingers feel.

i learned to smile
really, smile
for there is so much to be happy about
i read a book
and another, and another
for i wished to enlighten myself
i paid attention to the little things
the way the trees turn crimson and gold
when autumn forces its way in
i watched you laugh
and her laugh, and him laugh
and saw joy in its simplest form
i held the hand
of the person i felt most comfortable with
for affection is my favorite form of affirmation

10 at night                                                                                       the wind is piercing, relentless
the moon shoots through the window like a bow and arrow and
                            shimmers off of the oil-on-canvas painting of a willow
                                                                                                  hanging by the door
you’re throwing a few t-shirts and your favorite pair of ripped levi’s                                                                                   into the coffee-colored backpack i gave you last summer                          it was your birthday
                                                                                                            god                i don’t want you to leave
flip over the record             and please             stay
                                                             until it’s finished
but            you            can’t
                                                and     i know you have         so much         too much         to offer  
   your unmatched compassion      the way your eyes glimmer in an instant when a bird
                                             first takes flight              
you have been here through  my best and worst        have seen me radiate shades of pale blue
                  and for this i am thankful
  
though i’m neglected from my thoughts              left fidgeting through a barbed wire fence
         realizing the shocks are all i’ve felt           in weeks           months
                                                                                                                                i must let it be

so i lie back             soak in a lukewarm water filled cast iron tub             trace the rim of it with a
          shriveled finger                      
                                                               and let it be          
                                                                                                           as i remain static

you have shown me the warmest colors—truly, sweetly,
and with gentle hands, you guided me out of the damp and
frigid abyss with which my heart remained,
tainted and undignified.  

you ran off and eloped with the sun, and ever since, have shone so bright that I have lost my balance completely,
though I no longer feel sorrow for myself.

my head was once an inferno, but I have since traded the flames for another fortune.
violet hues and soft scents of eucalyptus filled the air and,
almost suddenly,
I felt at peace.

as I watched you blossom into shapes of lilies, I aspired to find a new home, and soon settled in a vast field, encompassed with strawberries, plump and rich and saccharine.
various shades of red melted off onto my hands and left them permanently stained.

I had once deserted myself—my entire being made into a shameful bore, paying no mind to myself
nor those in which I cherished most—it was then that I knew I must become renewed.

I found a wooden basin and filled it to the brim with the finest oils and rinsed off any remaining impurities,
and while allowing my bones to breathe,
I wondered where you have gone to.

for now, I’ll succumb to the light of the moon, and dwell within my new being—refined.

she can’t breathe         she can’t          breathe
                 her lungs have collapsed and
i’m left wondering
                          why it can’t be me         instead
i’m submerged in a pit of mud and      
                       i know i can never fully become clean again
god          she doesn’t          deserve this
           a soul is as fragile as a dove and
                               i’m not ready for her to take flight        
      please        not yet
she’s left there         exposed scalp      weightless
                                    as though gravity has abandoned her
            her body decays slowly     steadily    
from the cancer in her blood
                      and i can feel the blood trickle through my veins          
             to my toes          i can’t feel anything and
                   i think i’m selfish for realizing this
her life span sliced in half by a jagged blade
                              i feel as if the tip of it skimmed my heart
        i’m plagued with a sorrow so intense      
i could crumble     every     mountain
                                  with a single clenched fist
i can’t breathe         i can’t         breathe