If you were the rain
Then by my glance
You would cease to pour
But I am intrigued by you
Show me more
Show me more

I want to hear
Your increased droning on outside
I want to see
Why you've made the clouds cry

What I want
Is a secret you've hidden
It's something I've lost
To my mind, it is ridden

I can't shake this rain
As it falls from the sky
Because when you walked away
I never felt it was goodbye

So as it rains
And pours on this day
I just wanted to scream out
What I needed to say

You were here
You always have been, always will be
But the problem was
You never believed

Let the pen be your blade,

                                and the ink be your blood

      pouring down on a sentence,

              soaking up a blank piece of paper.

Glide your fingers down the railing
As you make your grand ingression
Meeting the faces you are destined to meet
As they fasten their first impressions

You are one to worry what they think
And wonder how or why
But, know that they have trained themselves
To create facades and alibis

They would be just as scared as you
If they were the ones walking down that stair
So hold your head up high, my dear
As if you did not care

I have always loved you.

I imagine us 30 years down the road.
I am massaging your shoulders,
relieving knots.
Life gets me in knots too.

I've put the kettle on
I have my own key now so I come and go as I please
like the old friend I've become.
I feed your cat when you go away at weekends.

Smelling your pillow
Remembering you at 40.
Your dressing table
as I pictured it.

I have my own family now
but I met you 10 years before I met my wife.
I rode the wave of your smile,
came crashing down
the day you announced you'd met someone,
holding out for the real thing.

For; I was just a boy,
what could I deliver apart from newspapers
and the odd dodgy innuendos? you laughed at
tossing your hair.
Humouring me
but,
Never letting on that you cared.

I slip away every second night
when the second hand rests between the 8 and the 9
and it is quarter to 10.
I am on my way to see you.
We play cards and toast a drink into midnight.
Sometimes I reach for your delicately aged hand
twiddling with your rings,
knowing mine would have been the sparkly one.
But not a patch on you.

We lock eyes for around a minute,
My throat is dry.
Telepathically I tell you
I have always loved you.
Whether you are 45 or 75
I will always love you.

I’m lying in bed
******* on an electronic cigarette
After having a nice glass of absinthe
Which has left me with a warmth in my face

My father lied about “going down the shore to help Jimmy
Pal-Park install cabinets”
Instead he’s somewhere with I think Jimmy the Hook snorting seven hundred bucks of my dad’s retirement money up their noses

Coke

I’m not surprised
This happens every so often
Always has
For the past fifteen years of my life

He wouldn’t come home
My mom would freak out
He would answer the phone
Then he’d come home all ****** up, exhausted, strung out

Apologizing and begging us to take him back in
And we would


Mom would have me and my sister decide
We we’re ******* kids!
I was nine she was four
And my dad would be sobbing and sitting on the edge of his bed facing us with his inflamed nostrils
We couldn’t throw our dad away
So we’d let him back into our lives and allow ourselves to be hurt again

Not only did he betray our trust and our mom’s trust
But he used money we didn’t have to feed his addiction
We had to put a second mortgage on the house
My mom pushed to get promoted, knowing all the stress and hair ripping frustration that came with it
Even though she’s amazing at what she does, we all know she can’t handle the pressure
But she still carries on
My father is a hard worker
Worked all his life
But that mother ******* coke habit
******* it
******* him

When he went to rehab for twenty eight days
That’s when I tried *** for the first time
That’s when I cut myself for the first time
That’s when I knew I couldn’t trust anyone
That's when i tried to **** myself for the first time
Not even my own father

When we visited him
He looked red, puffy, eyes bulging, wrinkled and long haired
But he spoke of hopeful sobriety and God
What **** that was, he was back at again in a year
That’s when I stopped caring
I went into a reclusive state
I hated him
I hated every one
I hated myself

I began to take a good look at myself and my life
I distanced myself emotionally form my family
I couldn’t take it anymore, the wasted tears and wasted time
I became a mere guest in my own house
I only lived there

My mom always said she’d divorce him when I and my sister were done with college

She only stayed for the money
I think he stayed for the roof, the food and the medical benefits my mom got

And I don’t get it
My dad isn’t well
He’s diabetic
He’s got blood pressure problems
He’s got arthritis
He’s got bad knees
He’s got psychological issus
Rage
Mother issues
He’s a workaholic
He had ******* cancer!

Yet, he still continues to put ******* into his body
Completely disregarding his health, he’s family and his own life and dignity

I hate him
My mom hates him
My sister hates him

I promise, all of you, my family, my life and whatever God or spirit created us all and keeps us here on this strange trip we call life
I will never, ever, ever become my father
I will never forsake those I love for an idiotic, immature addiction

We tried to help him
We did what we could
And still do
I just don’t know anymore

I really don’t

ignite that ****
light
glowing inside of you
its there
its there, my love
but you're trying to
dull it
down
saying there's nothing more inside of
you
than emptiness,
but i can
see
that little light
barely shining through,
let it out,
you've got to let it out.


m.g.

You’re striving to inspire

The world with what you do

In turn do not forget to let

The world inspire you