It’s not about what I need from you or want from you.
I’m not asking you for anything.
It’s what I don’t want.
I don’t want you to spoil our connection
because you have trauma that you haven’t
dealt with and I know that you feel the same way.
I do have trauma and I do have pain,
But when I speak to you it is always from a place of
healed energy and it is always from a place of healing intention.

I respect and admire your solidarity and your independence,
That is what makes you so beautiful to me.
I know that you do not want me to speak to you from a place of healing because you want to do that work yourself. I innerstand.
I wish that I could help you to see me in a
better light and understand me so that we could fix this.
I cannot open your mind or shift your perspective
because you ask me not to deepen this connection.

You have ingrained into your head that I do not
respect your boundaries- all the while- missing the clear
sign that I do respect your boundaries when I leave
things out of a conversation with you.

We try to read in between the lines of each
other but we are not books. We are not meant to be read.
People often try to calculate or read situations and conversations,
but forget that we can speak with more than our mouths and our body language.
We are the universe acting out against itself
and working in favor of itself in tandem.

We are so much more than the words that
you have tried to reduce us to.
I wish that you could understand me better
so that I could take your pain away.
You want to feel through this and to be in the pain
because you crave the growth and that is another
thing that I love about you.
You are a ******* warrior so please don’t ever
think for a second that I don’t see you and respect you.

Adversely; while accepting no responsibility
over the pain that you’ve caused the both of us,
You shut down the opportunity for healing.
You want to know what it is that you have done so wrong,
But if I were to dissect a conversation and tell
you each part that tore open a healed wound…
I wouldn’t be respecting your boundaries.

You asked me not to deepen this connection
so I can’t explain what it is that you’ve done.
This prevents me from healing from what you have done.
You get to work on healing what it is that you
have done within yourself, but I will never forget
the feeling of my chest caving in on my break from work.

I won’t forget crying and opening up to a
complete stranger in the parking lot
because she saw me falling apart and I was all alone,
as this experience has cost me everything.
I won’t forget, the powerful feeling, somebody
that didn’t know anything about me -sitting down to ask me-
“what was troubling me?” In the most loving way.
Fully holding space for me where you couldn’t.
A very kind angel of a woman; who had other things to do
with her day, made time to save a sobbing, broken, child
from the middle of the street.

And yet you couldn’t stand to hear me
speak my truth for five minutes,
All while shaming me and wishing that I could stand in my power
and assuming me to be weak in some way.
You were preventing me from standing in my
power by trying to control the situation.
I have never once claimed to be a perfect person
or to be fully healed but I know that I am balanced
because I spend every day of my life balancing myself.
Every day has ups and downs, every week has ups and
downs, every month has ups and downs.

I deny NO FAULTS in this matter, but I am HYPER-aware
that you do not know what my faults are.
You have not opened yourself up to hearing me
acknowledge my issues. You have
created the ones that, you THINK I’m having
in your head based on your perception of self,
all whilst screaming “projection” from the rooftops
and pointing at others. Anxiety is consuming.

It’s hard to fathom that somebody could be giving you
information from a place that you’ve forgotten about.
I only wanted to warn you and I only wanted to protect you.
You only wanted for me to stop trying to protect you;
until you realized what it was I was trying to protect you from.
The only person who can protect you is yourself and
Source, yet Source placed me in your path.
If you had only tapped into your intuition and followed
the signs, you would have understood sooner.
There could have been less pain.

Hypocrisy.

You encourage me not to people please,
but ask me to bow in silence before you while
you relieve your own anxieties so that you can go about
your day while leaving a heavy weight on my chest.
You thought that you had conquered me in that moment.
In your mind, you had faced something you needed to face
and you were breaking through to the other side!
This was going to project you in the right direction!
This will remove the heaping weight from your chest!
This was going to bring your clarity.

Transference.

Instead, you felt me pull away; energetically and physically.
You realized that you couldn’t have your cake and eat it too.
But you were fasting anyways, funny how we’re both always fasting these days.
Or is that just anxiety and an upset stomach?
Is that just bad choices and poor communication?
You felt a weight over the next few days,
Because what goes up must come down.
You left that weight with me, but it always finds its way back.

Obedience.

You expressed your need to control things
and for people to bend to your will.
You clearly communicated what you wanted
and expected and were shocked when I tried to
tell you where I stood because this wasn’t about me,
it was supposed to be about you today!
I sensed that in asking what you did wrong
you were already preparing a response and not
open to actually listen, my intuition said “say less”.
Silence speaks volumes and communication
can be conveyed through just a look,
especially when I look into your eyes.
There is intense honesty and passion in all three of them.
The things that you can’t verbalize are written in your retina.
As your brain scribbles them out I can see them inside of those eyes.
I see you wholly and I know that somebody did that to you.
Someone taught you this.
Maybe a defense mechanism or maybe a learned behavior.

Boundaries.

Don’t talk about it.
Swallow that pill to avoid hurting me,
but don’t forget, “that’s people pleasing.”
“Respect you” and “please you” is a very thin line with you.
Sure as I am your mirror, you think the same is true about me.
I was working hard at my prosperity;
feeling a silly little sigh of relief,
that maybe I was crazy and the communication
and confrontation wouldn’t occur that day.
My dreams and intuition both told me that it would.
People in my physical reality said that it wouldn’t;
they had high hopes that it wouldn’t, out of selfishness.
Fearing what they would feel or how it would affect them,
they have been gaslighting me for months.
Who will ever respect my boundaries?
My needs?
My person.
Only me.
I can only trust myself.
Don’t they always say “It’s lonely at the top.”
It doesn’t have to be.

On the battlefield.

You saw me and came directly towards me,
while I had five minutes to myself to dance and feel free.
You stopped in on my day to put me back in your cage.
Mind you, I had fiddled that lock open two weeks prior and found my freedom.
You came back to make sure that the lock was secure.
I was fine one minute and my boss watched me
being happy and free and helpful. Then she watched
me being shackled by you and then she watched you
storm through like a wrecking ball, leaving me at
disadvantage to my own pockets and essentially hers.
And then I watched you all day, watching me.
You were pulling at my energy when I was
trying to pretend you didn’t exist.
You stunted my growth and my productivity
for the need to propel yourself forward.
I am not the enemy and I am not to be conquered.
We could have helped each other to move in the
same direction, but you NEEDED,
You demanded to be 10 steps ahead of others.
Congratulations commander.
The medal of honor you have
earned is associated with a casualty.

Greed.

I watched you watching me,
looking to see if I was watching too,
questioning what it all means and
if you made the right choices, said the right words.
You didn’t. There were no right words.
Until that point you did all of the talking and
so did I, but neither of us really heard anything
other than our own minds stirring.
We are so alike that it hurts.
To absolutely face yourself hurts.
You confuse me so much.
I read cards and people
effortlessly, but I like the mystery that is you and
I don’t like to pick it apart too much.
I know that the pages will turn on your time.
That’s the respect that I have for you, that you can’t see.

Victim mentality.

You talk about Victim mentality,
but you don’t acknowledge
that you keep acting like
I’m doing something to you….
Don’t you remember that you did this to me?
You started all of this. You triggered it.
You were thinking with organs other than your heart
And you expected me to follow suit, on your terms.
You treated me like a play thing because you didn’t
See what was right in front of us both.
Once you set this in motion there was no
way to turn the wheels back and I couldn’t help myself.
I wasn’t supposed to.
And because I didn’t help myself in that moment,
I helped us both in a greater sense.
Thank me instead and thank the universe for this
while you’re in Noché Oscura del alma.
Know that there is a purpose behind it,
even though you don’t understand that purpose, yet.

Baggage.

I know that things are happening for me and not to me,
but it is my deep diving into the pain and into my dark feelings
that allows me to be the creative person that you admire.
It is the darkness that I have endured
that helps my light shine so bright.
You cannot have half of me because
I do not give half of myself to anyone.
I am a whole package.
I come wrapped as such.
If you cannot accept this package, as is,
it does not come in parts.
You cannot find any other like this package,
it is one of a kind.
If you cannot accept my darkness and my
baggage then there is nothing more to say.

Every person who has ever come into my life
has had to accept both parts of me and the ones
that have are still by my side. I have 15 year friendships.
Nothing that is good or worth it is ever easy.
The things that we put time and effort into, they strengthen and they stay.
I would like to face adversity together, but for now you
want to do that alone so I respect you, and I release you.
But I’ll never let this go.

This will be something I remember for the rest
of my life, for the rest of my lovers,
for the rest of my friendships,
and for the rest of eternity.
Any pain that I have felt in this connection
will reverberate throughout my entire being
for the rest of my existence
until I find myself in this situation
in the next life again with you.
Every time we repeat the cycle,
it becomes harder and harder in the next life,
but the story becomes greater and greater each time,
until we get it right.

Surrender.

Our love story is so great.
The notebook pales in comparison.
Many will cry watching this love blossom
including the ones who doubted and
including the ones who believed.
It is going to shake us both to our core,
but at some point that’s going to start to feel good.  
If we allow it.

We just have to learn to let go of control.
The divine creator knows our true purpose
and we need to learn to surrender to that
because everything else up until the
moment that we do, is resistance.

You are resisting the change as the momentum
is picking up and you’re propelling yourself in the
wrong direction by trying to hold onto control with
something that does not want to be tamed.
I think about lecturing you; but instead,
I write it down, because it’s a lecture that
I need to read to myself. Sure as I am your mirror,
I am doing the same things wrong as you.

Just open your heart and learn how to truly love
people as they are asking to be loved
People deserve that, but if you can’t
love me the right way just let me go.
I cannot keep going on this winding road with you.
You energetically are still attached to me,
even though you tell me the opposite is true and it hurts us both.
I cannot live in shadows and I will always speak my truth.
I’m selective with who I share my energy
because I do not want everybody to know
how I move in this world, but I am always
honest with those that are around me.

I keep my hands at 10 and 2
But I’ll let you control the gas
pedal because we are driving at your pace,
I’m comfortable with this until you slam on the brakes
and we both realize, a moment too late,
that I’m not wearing a seatbelt.
My heart exposed and my person untethered,
I’ve been ejected.
Don’t bring the sunflowers to my funeral.
You have taken all of the sun out of this for me.
Nothing can grow here,
They will only wilt in a few days.
Useless.
What’s the use of this gift.
You can’t heal what’s already dead.

I’m scared that not right now,
means not in this life.
I don’t want to do that again.
Losing you is losing hope.
You are the reason that I come around.
You are also the reason that I stay away.
© KD 10/2/22

Forevers not a promise,
It’s a fact.

Although, my heart is hurting.
And yes, it may be cracked.

Every second that I’m near you,
I’m on the mend.

Distance is illusion,
And so I play pretend.

Before we arrived here,
We made a pact.

A lifelong journey,
A soul contract.

A story so grand,
Through time and space on land.

How could you have forgotten?
We came here to expand.

The healing of this nation,
Relies on you and I.

I plan to act this out,
Before our bodies die.

I’ve chosen this path and
you along with it.

I wish you’d stick it out,
And fight to the finish.

I’m ever so patient,
I know you’re not ready.

I’m giving you space
And I’m keeping things steady.

I’m not the enemy,
But still you attack.

It isn’t my fault,
I possess what you lack.

The whole point is to balance
What’s alike and what’s different.

You seek accountability,
When we’re meant to produce it.

I know that you’re not ready
For this or for me,

But we are right in the thick of this
And I’m feeling lost at sea.

You’ve done this to me many times,
I know you can’t remember.

I just have to re-walk this path.
(We’ll touch base in December.)

With everything I practice and everything you preach, I thought that you could figure out, what they sent me here to teach.

I tried to exit this journey,
But every time I do…

The universe keeps pushing me
Right back into you

I’m growing quite weary
So I’m letting God steer me

I wanted to communicate,
But fail to do so clearly

I’m stuck at an impasse
Because I am an empath

I know I should be more assertive,
Nice guys always finish last

But with you there’s a soft spot
It’ll be there forever

I’m hoping that you’ll notice soon
Better late than never

You string me along
I put it in a song

I keep on fighting tooth and nail
I always seem so strong

My strength irritates many
Who know not what I’ve been through

But they pass their judgment
as they see what I give into

It’s been this way forever
It’ll be forever more

But nobody sees me
When I’m crying on the floor

I never let them see this side
Because it is unpleasant

I work so hard to heal myself
And remain in the present

I speak on what I’m thinking
Without revealing much

I write what I can’t speak about
My journal is my crutch

I keep the darkest parts in there
So no one senses my despair

The pain is there forever though
And so you reap, so shall you sew

Forevers not a promise
It is a fact.

You’ve shaken up the universe,
Brace for impact.

How can this be my purpose
When all it does is hurt this

Body
Mind
And soul
It leaves me filled with holes

I fill them as I can
with nature
Self-nurture
(sometimes man)

Confusion
Illusion
A ******* contusion

Hematoma
when I smell your aroma

Therapy
When you stare at me

But you turn away
And run astray
We’ll get it together
One of these days

When I feel winded
I often pray
But I agreed to this, so
What can I say?

When it feels unbalanced
and filled with malice

A purpose
A purpose
Feeling so worthless
Evenly matched
Picked at and scratched

Mean what you say
Say what you mean
Feeling *****
Feeling unclean

Not good enough
But better than others
Though, if I were to share this,
You’d surely feel smothered

I cannot lecture you
I’m not your mother
So I just laugh and accept
all of the others

Sisters and mixtures
with brothers, oh brother
So many energies
And connections to discover
Are you keeping your body safe?
I wonder

To share with me
Feels like a fee
So you hold yourself back
Which gets me out of whack

Feeling a lack
Of reciprocal energy
Which leads my brain
to make you an enemy

Someone who doesn’t
have my interest at heart
Best or worst,
So it feels like a farce

Am I a “Goddess?”
Or a business asset
I’m multidimensional
I embody many facets

A key to your success
That you dare not undress
I claim no ownership
But it’s me, you possess,

I overthink as I watch you process
the attention from others
So I lay them to rest

If I had a backbone
I could detest
You treat me so opposite
from the energy you express

Maybe you’re protective
of energies that threaten me
Or maybe it would hurt you
if someone else slept with me

I intend to heal,
never cause pain
But this holds me back
Which I cannot sustain
So I must refrain
And soon after, reframe

You came into my life and
Nothing was the same
I can’t allow connections
to drive me insane
I cannot wait around
Until your greatness is ordained

Distracting yourself
During separation
Is the very thing that caused you
Your spiritual castration

This may seem harsh
But the truth comes from spirit
And I’ve seen this before
So I can’t bare to hear it

I’m praying for your strength
Against all odds and towers
I hope to find you someday
When you step into your power

For now I must move
in a different direction
While you make collections
That stunt your *******

When you see the truth
You’ll campaign for your election
I can only hope that by this time
You’ve really learned some lessons

I refuse to be nothing more
than the latest obsession
I hope that you can give me more
As it pertains to affection

And mental stimulation
And physical elation
She needs exhilaration
To fulfill her spiritual gestation

Repressing your emotions
And avoiding heart experiences
Shirking your adherence
Because you are in fear of it
Separates us from our path

And so you’ll miss out
But I cannot sit with you
As you fill us both with doubt
I’m banging the proverbial door
Searching
Searching
for something more

Somewhere
someone
something else
Who cares about me
and my health,
Not my wealth

Whether financial or spiritually
I’m looking for abundance
That will help me feel free

Caught up in this purpose
I find my self stagnant
I’m locking up my heart again
Before you can stab it

And unexpected turn
That makes my stomach churn
I hope we both find
What it is that we yearn
I’m cutting out anything
that blocks my discern

Sorry if you find me
To be cold or stern
I’m often a mystery
Sometimes I’m subliminal

I’m find that this purpose
has kept me quite liminal
I hope for the best
While you give me the minimal

Forgive me if my words
Are seemingly cynical
You have me in an energy
I don’t yet understand
But I refuse this while
I stand on remand

A purposeful purpose
Got lost in the circus
When you find your truth
The love will resurface.

I told my Mom some things today,
I wish I'd said another way.
They eat me up inside,
these things I'm forced to hide.
I told her how he makes me feel;
I told her just "what's the big deal?".
She didn't seem to notice
so I came right out and told her.

She didn't seem too happy,
she just kept talking at me.
I cannot stand another day,
I shouldn't have to live this way.
She needed to know how I feel.
I came right out and told her.

I always give in. I can express one thing to him and then act on another just because I don't want him to hurt or feel unwanted. I don't know what to do, I am constantly at war with myself. He is too sweet, I can be quite sour. Public displays of affection make me feel uncomfortable. I am just so weird and he is way too normal, he wants to call me baby. The moments become soiled and I start to recoil.  He treats me like his girlfriend and I just want to be his friend. He wants to settle down, I want to ***** around. He wants to hold my hand and I want him to hold my throat. I try to tell him that we are not right, but I look at his face and see his pain and loneliness- my heart breaks for him every time. He tries to hold me tight and I am often out of fight. What ever am I going to do? I've let love make a mess of me.

So many dreams of you at night,
so many words that which I could write.

I've loved you once, I've loved you twice.
Love was the feeling, but my actions never right.

I went about things in all of the wrong ways.
My behavior punished you, each and every day.

I’d like to apologize to you, if I may.
I know you’ll never listen, much to my dismay.

Your life will continue and in love with you I’ll stay,
regretting my decisions as I watch you walk away.

I can fasten on a smile and live my life in vain;
though, no matter what I do, in love I still remain.
*kd

I thought you'd be the one to unfold me. Would have been easier if you had just told me. You wanted to bend and break, not mold me. Teach me lessons, lessons that scold me. It could have been fun, it would have been nice. I've learned my lesson, tried you twice. You are no good, no better than me. Took me long enough to see. Had to pay a lovely fee. My skin, my heart, my feelings, me. I give everything to feel that love, crying to someone I hope is above. Lonely, sad and without love. My story the same, no matter what. I am pathetic, I am a waste. My love always thrown right back in my face. I would stop trying if I had the grace, but I can't exist in a loveless place. It's not who I am, it's not why I breathe. I give all of my love to everyone but me. I let them push me to every degree, destroy me and hurt me until I'm no longer me. I do it again and again and again, until I have nothing but me at my end. I go away and seek treatment, get help. Never get better, though they assume I am well. I sit in my head and explore my own hell. Go out and make friends who think "she seems swell". We laugh and we party, we joke all night. Inside it is boiling, my personal fight. I get too ****** up and they pack me away. I'm fine while I'm sleeping, I wake the next day. Nothing to remember, it all goes away. My sad, lonely heart lays heavy in my chest and it constantly taunts me until I catch rest. Don't ask why I'm sleeping, you did this to me. Love is my weakness, I'll never be free. I'll sleep while I can and paint on that smile that everyone recognized in me all the while. I'll be what I need to, to keep them all happy, while dying inside. They'll never know, sadly.

My thoughts remain trapped here in my mind, like a box,
Pandora's Box.
We must be sure to never let them out.
They could ruin everything.
Can't you see them poisoning me?
Rotting my insides with doubt.

k.d.

This world is beautiful once we realize
that time and expectation
provide no limitations
on the people's adaptation
and the mental emancipation
within the growing nations
of enlightened pro-creations.
See, I believe,
that when I find my destination
- there will be no hesitation -
for I have that dedication.
I want to spread my thoughts,
wander off, take a vacation.
For now I'm sitting patient;
just posted here, at my station,
counting the small money I'm making,
constantly wishing and waiting
for one marvelous day when
someone else hears what I'm saying.

                    
                    11/25
                    2013 © (KD)