Liking you was just too easy
Leaving you would be too hard
Please promise me that you'll stay here
and love me while we fall apart

Is it good,
Is it bad?
Are we happy,
Are we sad?

Doesn't matter to me
You are all that I need

Because when you smile
I smile
whether Id like to or not
And that hard head of yours
you're too combative
and I'm too smart

We talk, we argue
we ****, we fight
but by the end of the night
when I can't stand you
I need your hands to
wrap me up, hold me tight
Get away from me
You don't deserve me,
but while you're leaving...
please don't desert me

I really need you
to stick around so
I can drag you
and wear you down

There is some girls in this world that you call a six, they go home and cry. Some girls you call a six and they get angry and yell at you or slap you.
I realized that there was something wrong with me the first time someone called me a six, told me I wasn't good enough. I spent eight years after that trying to find him the ten that he was looking for; meanwhile sitting in the background trying to improve myself to be more like all of the eights and the nines. I bought him things and I showed him the most beautiful parts of me, I cooked for him and listened when he needed an ear. I let him use my body and I let him feed from the beautiful thoughts in my mind, the dark thoughts in my mind as well. I let him crawl under my skin. I did whatever he asked me to do and I gave whatever he asked me to give until I felt like I had nothing left.
I knew that there was something wrong with me when you called me a six and instead of crying, I felt the urge and needed for you to hold me and to use my body. I wanted you to know what a six feels like instead of how she looks. Some people fail to realize that I was a ten once. I was a ten being made to feel like a six, being told constantly that I was a six and I needed to be at ten. Imagine how many times someone told me that I was a six because they realized that I was vulnerable, imagine how many times I had to clear my mind of that thought but couldn't. Imagine all of the substances that I poured into myself trying to drown those negative thoughts that had been planted. Imagine how many conversations I had and how many people I let slip in under my loosely sewn skin. Imagine all of the men that I felt the need to be held by, imagine how they "held" me. Imagine how I felt after, imagine what I became. One day down the road I woke up and looked into the mirror and saw someone that I didn't recognize. Here I am, a six, trying to find what I lost.

So many dreams of you at night,
so many words that which I could write.

I've loved you once, I've loved you twice.
Love was the feeling, but my actions never right.

I went about things in all of the wrong ways.
My behavior punished you, each and every day.

I’d like to apologize to you, if I may.
I know you’ll never listen, much to my dismay.

Your life will continue and in love with you I’ll stay,
regretting my decisions as I watch you walk away.

I can fasten on a smile and live my life in vain;
though, no matter what I do, in love I still remain.
*kd

Our future starts now,
have we forgotten somehow?
The pain that we endure
somehow makes us impure.
To live and let go, to love and learn...
To accept one another; expect the same in return.
To reach out to someone hurting and to try and understand, this helps us grow... After all, wasn't that the plan? Why else are we here, why else are we breathing? It's only just begun and soon we'll all be leaving.
To leave something behind that is worth your life or mine would show that we have made it, we rest with the divine.
The planets all in balance,
The souls points all aligned,
That's when the peace comes
That's when we can unwind.
We dream and we discuss a way of living that we must, but if there is no action then why all of the fuss? We have to put it out there, to live and love our best the way that we know how and spread it to the rest.
On earth there is a sadness and men with cruel intention, many of you notice what I shouldn't have to mention. At this juncture  we are falling apart, forgetting our talents, neglecting our art.
We feel the end approaching, pain envelopes all... We reach out to our brothers when we are feeling small. If you feel alone, you have to figure out- who are the people that are filling you with doubt? If it is inside of you, you have to cast it out and if it is surrounding you, find another route. Our future starts today, have we forgotten somehow? Don't let it be in vain, make a change now. ~ ©KD

I always give in. I can express one thing to him and then act on another just because I don't want him to hurt or feel unwanted. I don't know what to do, I am constantly at war with myself. He is too sweet, I can be quite sour. Public displays of affection make me feel uncomfortable. I am just so weird and he is way too normal, he wants to call me baby. The moments become soiled and I start to recoil.  He treats me like his girlfriend and I just want to be his friend. He wants to settle down, I want to ***** around. He wants to hold my hand and I want him to hold my throat. I try to tell him that we are not right, but I look at his face and see his pain and loneliness- my heart breaks for him every time. He tries to hold me tight and I am often out of fight. What ever am I going to do? I've let love make a mess of me.

It’s not about what I need from you or want from you.
I’m not asking you for anything.
It’s what I don’t want.
I don’t want you to spoil our connection
because you have trauma that you haven’t
dealt with and I know that you feel the same way.
I do have trauma and I do have pain,
But when I speak to you it is always from a place of
healed energy and it is always from a place of healing intention.

I respect and admire your solidarity and your independence,
That is what makes you so beautiful to me.
I know that you do not want me to speak to you from a place of healing because you want to do that work yourself. I innerstand.
I wish that I could help you to see me in a
better light and understand me so that we could fix this.
I cannot open your mind or shift your perspective
because you ask me not to deepen this connection.

You have ingrained into your head that I do not
respect your boundaries- all the while- missing the clear
sign that I do respect your boundaries when I leave
things out of a conversation with you.

We try to read in between the lines of each
other but we are not books. We are not meant to be read.
People often try to calculate or read situations and conversations,
but forget that we can speak with more than our mouths and our body language.
We are the universe acting out against itself
and working in favor of itself in tandem.

We are so much more than the words that
you have tried to reduce us to.
I wish that you could understand me better
so that I could take your pain away.
You want to feel through this and to be in the pain
because you crave the growth and that is another
thing that I love about you.
You are a ******* warrior so please don’t ever
think for a second that I don’t see you and respect you.

Adversely; while accepting no responsibility
over the pain that you’ve caused the both of us,
You shut down the opportunity for healing.
You want to know what it is that you have done so wrong,
But if I were to dissect a conversation and tell
you each part that tore open a healed wound…
I wouldn’t be respecting your boundaries.

You asked me not to deepen this connection
so I can’t explain what it is that you’ve done.
This prevents me from healing from what you have done.
You get to work on healing what it is that you
have done within yourself, but I will never forget
the feeling of my chest caving in on my break from work.

I won’t forget crying and opening up to a
complete stranger in the parking lot
because she saw me falling apart and I was all alone,
as this experience has cost me everything.
I won’t forget, the powerful feeling, somebody
that didn’t know anything about me -sitting down to ask me-
“what was troubling me?” In the most loving way.
Fully holding space for me where you couldn’t.
A very kind angel of a woman; who had other things to do
with her day, made time to save a sobbing, broken, child
from the middle of the street.

And yet you couldn’t stand to hear me
speak my truth for five minutes,
All while shaming me and wishing that I could stand in my power
and assuming me to be weak in some way.
You were preventing me from standing in my
power by trying to control the situation.
I have never once claimed to be a perfect person
or to be fully healed but I know that I am balanced
because I spend every day of my life balancing myself.
Every day has ups and downs, every week has ups and
downs, every month has ups and downs.

I deny NO FAULTS in this matter, but I am HYPER-aware
that you do not know what my faults are.
You have not opened yourself up to hearing me
acknowledge my issues. You have
created the ones that, you THINK I’m having
in your head based on your perception of self,
all whilst screaming “projection” from the rooftops
and pointing at others. Anxiety is consuming.

It’s hard to fathom that somebody could be giving you
information from a place that you’ve forgotten about.
I only wanted to warn you and I only wanted to protect you.
You only wanted for me to stop trying to protect you;
until you realized what it was I was trying to protect you from.
The only person who can protect you is yourself and
Source, yet Source placed me in your path.
If you had only tapped into your intuition and followed
the signs, you would have understood sooner.
There could have been less pain.

Hypocrisy.

You encourage me not to people please,
but ask me to bow in silence before you while
you relieve your own anxieties so that you can go about
your day while leaving a heavy weight on my chest.
You thought that you had conquered me in that moment.
In your mind, you had faced something you needed to face
and you were breaking through to the other side!
This was going to project you in the right direction!
This will remove the heaping weight from your chest!
This was going to bring your clarity.

Transference.

Instead, you felt me pull away; energetically and physically.
You realized that you couldn’t have your cake and eat it too.
But you were fasting anyways, funny how we’re both always fasting these days.
Or is that just anxiety and an upset stomach?
Is that just bad choices and poor communication?
You felt a weight over the next few days,
Because what goes up must come down.
You left that weight with me, but it always finds its way back.

Obedience.

You expressed your need to control things
and for people to bend to your will.
You clearly communicated what you wanted
and expected and were shocked when I tried to
tell you where I stood because this wasn’t about me,
it was supposed to be about you today!
I sensed that in asking what you did wrong
you were already preparing a response and not
open to actually listen, my intuition said “say less”.
Silence speaks volumes and communication
can be conveyed through just a look,
especially when I look into your eyes.
There is intense honesty and passion in all three of them.
The things that you can’t verbalize are written in your retina.
As your brain scribbles them out I can see them inside of those eyes.
I see you wholly and I know that somebody did that to you.
Someone taught you this.
Maybe a defense mechanism or maybe a learned behavior.

Boundaries.

Don’t talk about it.
Swallow that pill to avoid hurting me,
but don’t forget, “that’s people pleasing.”
“Respect you” and “please you” is a very thin line with you.
Sure as I am your mirror, you think the same is true about me.
I was working hard at my prosperity;
feeling a silly little sigh of relief,
that maybe I was crazy and the communication
and confrontation wouldn’t occur that day.
My dreams and intuition both told me that it would.
People in my physical reality said that it wouldn’t;
they had high hopes that it wouldn’t, out of selfishness.
Fearing what they would feel or how it would affect them,
they have been gaslighting me for months.
Who will ever respect my boundaries?
My needs?
My person.
Only me.
I can only trust myself.
Don’t they always say “It’s lonely at the top.”
It doesn’t have to be.

On the battlefield.

You saw me and came directly towards me,
while I had five minutes to myself to dance and feel free.
You stopped in on my day to put me back in your cage.
Mind you, I had fiddled that lock open two weeks prior and found my freedom.
You came back to make sure that the lock was secure.
I was fine one minute and my boss watched me
being happy and free and helpful. Then she watched
me being shackled by you and then she watched you
storm through like a wrecking ball, leaving me at
disadvantage to my own pockets and essentially hers.
And then I watched you all day, watching me.
You were pulling at my energy when I was
trying to pretend you didn’t exist.
You stunted my growth and my productivity
for the need to propel yourself forward.
I am not the enemy and I am not to be conquered.
We could have helped each other to move in the
same direction, but you NEEDED,
You demanded to be 10 steps ahead of others.
Congratulations commander.
The medal of honor you have
earned is associated with a casualty.

Greed.

I watched you watching me,
looking to see if I was watching too,
questioning what it all means and
if you made the right choices, said the right words.
You didn’t. There were no right words.
Until that point you did all of the talking and
so did I, but neither of us really heard anything
other than our own minds stirring.
We are so alike that it hurts.
To absolutely face yourself hurts.
You confuse me so much.
I read cards and people
effortlessly, but I like the mystery that is you and
I don’t like to pick it apart too much.
I know that the pages will turn on your time.
That’s the respect that I have for you, that you can’t see.

Victim mentality.

You talk about Victim mentality,
but you don’t acknowledge
that you keep acting like
I’m doing something to you….
Don’t you remember that you did this to me?
You started all of this. You triggered it.
You were thinking with organs other than your heart
And you expected me to follow suit, on your terms.
You treated me like a play thing because you didn’t
See what was right in front of us both.
Once you set this in motion there was no
way to turn the wheels back and I couldn’t help myself.
I wasn’t supposed to.
And because I didn’t help myself in that moment,
I helped us both in a greater sense.
Thank me instead and thank the universe for this
while you’re in Noché Oscura del alma.
Know that there is a purpose behind it,
even though you don’t understand that purpose, yet.

Baggage.

I know that things are happening for me and not to me,
but it is my deep diving into the pain and into my dark feelings
that allows me to be the creative person that you admire.
It is the darkness that I have endured
that helps my light shine so bright.
You cannot have half of me because
I do not give half of myself to anyone.
I am a whole package.
I come wrapped as such.
If you cannot accept this package, as is,
it does not come in parts.
You cannot find any other like this package,
it is one of a kind.
If you cannot accept my darkness and my
baggage then there is nothing more to say.

Every person who has ever come into my life
has had to accept both parts of me and the ones
that have are still by my side. I have 15 year friendships.
Nothing that is good or worth it is ever easy.
The things that we put time and effort into, they strengthen and they stay.
I would like to face adversity together, but for now you
want to do that alone so I respect you, and I release you.
But I’ll never let this go.

This will be something I remember for the rest
of my life, for the rest of my lovers,
for the rest of my friendships,
and for the rest of eternity.
Any pain that I have felt in this connection
will reverberate throughout my entire being
for the rest of my existence
until I find myself in this situation
in the next life again with you.
Every time we repeat the cycle,
it becomes harder and harder in the next life,
but the story becomes greater and greater each time,
until we get it right.

Surrender.

Our love story is so great.
The notebook pales in comparison.
Many will cry watching this love blossom
including the ones who doubted and
including the ones who believed.
It is going to shake us both to our core,
but at some point that’s going to start to feel good.  
If we allow it.

We just have to learn to let go of control.
The divine creator knows our true purpose
and we need to learn to surrender to that
because everything else up until the
moment that we do, is resistance.

You are resisting the change as the momentum
is picking up and you’re propelling yourself in the
wrong direction by trying to hold onto control with
something that does not want to be tamed.
I think about lecturing you; but instead,
I write it down, because it’s a lecture that
I need to read to myself. Sure as I am your mirror,
I am doing the same things wrong as you.

Just open your heart and learn how to truly love
people as they are asking to be loved
People deserve that, but if you can’t
love me the right way just let me go.
I cannot keep going on this winding road with you.
You energetically are still attached to me,
even though you tell me the opposite is true and it hurts us both.
I cannot live in shadows and I will always speak my truth.
I’m selective with who I share my energy
because I do not want everybody to know
how I move in this world, but I am always
honest with those that are around me.

I keep my hands at 10 and 2
But I’ll let you control the gas
pedal because we are driving at your pace,
I’m comfortable with this until you slam on the brakes
and we both realize, a moment too late,
that I’m not wearing a seatbelt.
My heart exposed and my person untethered,
I’ve been ejected.
Don’t bring the sunflowers to my funeral.
You have taken all of the sun out of this for me.
Nothing can grow here,
They will only wilt in a few days.
Useless.
What’s the use of this gift.
You can’t heal what’s already dead.

I’m scared that not right now,
means not in this life.
I don’t want to do that again.
Losing you is losing hope.
You are the reason that I come around.
You are also the reason that I stay away.
© KD 10/2/22

I thought you'd be the one to unfold me. Would have been easier if you had just told me. You wanted to bend and break, not mold me. Teach me lessons, lessons that scold me. It could have been fun, it would have been nice. I've learned my lesson, tried you twice. You are no good, no better than me. Took me long enough to see. Had to pay a lovely fee. My skin, my heart, my feelings, me. I give everything to feel that love, crying to someone I hope is above. Lonely, sad and without love. My story the same, no matter what. I am pathetic, I am a waste. My love always thrown right back in my face. I would stop trying if I had the grace, but I can't exist in a loveless place. It's not who I am, it's not why I breathe. I give all of my love to everyone but me. I let them push me to every degree, destroy me and hurt me until I'm no longer me. I do it again and again and again, until I have nothing but me at my end. I go away and seek treatment, get help. Never get better, though they assume I am well. I sit in my head and explore my own hell. Go out and make friends who think "she seems swell". We laugh and we party, we joke all night. Inside it is boiling, my personal fight. I get too ****** up and they pack me away. I'm fine while I'm sleeping, I wake the next day. Nothing to remember, it all goes away. My sad, lonely heart lays heavy in my chest and it constantly taunts me until I catch rest. Don't ask why I'm sleeping, you did this to me. Love is my weakness, I'll never be free. I'll sleep while I can and paint on that smile that everyone recognized in me all the while. I'll be what I need to, to keep them all happy, while dying inside. They'll never know, sadly.

I can’t wait until you realize
that nobody is ever going to love you
like I did and you have to cry over me
like I have over you for the past 8 years of my life.
I can’t wait to bring my significant other around you
while you pretend to ignore us as we kiss
and fool around under blankets.
I can’t wait to bring them to your house
and **** while you’re in the same room trying to sleep,
pretending to sleep, wishing you were dead.
I can’t wait until you lose your mind
and everyone looks at you like you’re crazy
as you explain how you love me and
you can’t do anything about it
even though I've told you that it’s never going to happen
because you aren't good enough.
I can’t wait to always look past you
as you do everything in your power to try and make me happy,
hook me up with your friends
and give me everything, but receive nothing.
I can’t wait until you beg me and I can be selfish
and make sure you’re giving me what I want,
neglecting your own needs, before I push you away
using “I’m tired” as an excuse.
I can’t wait until you are hurting yourself over me
and I have to tell you to stop, as if I give a ****,
while I continuously put you through pain.
I can’t wait until you drunkenly admit all of your feelings
and apologize for the mistakes of the past.
Even then, I’ll probably still love you, but I won’t give in.
You will never have me;
because the last time I lent you my heart, you ran with it.
I don’t think I’ll ever get it back.
And with no heart, I cannot forgive,
I can never be whole again.
I can’t wait for another chance in another life to break you, like you've broken me.

*k.d.

This world is beautiful once we realize
that time and expectation
provide no limitations
on the people's adaptation
and the mental emancipation
within the growing nations
of enlightened pro-creations.
See, I believe,
that when I find my destination
- there will be no hesitation -
for I have that dedication.
I want to spread my thoughts,
wander off, take a vacation.
For now I'm sitting patient;
just posted here, at my station,
counting the small money I'm making,
constantly wishing and waiting
for one marvelous day when
someone else hears what I'm saying.

                    
                    11/25
                    2013 © (KD)

I want to learn to be the girl that is so numb, that she can forget her past and move along as though nothing has ever happened to her in life. Just a clean slate; passing through life. Taking each day as it comes with no memories and no preconceived notions about the world and the people that occupy it. The girl too careless to react or over-react. The girl so uninvolved that she dare not take chances and risk ******* things up. The girl that is just there, un-noticed. Then I could play the part of someone that others can get used to having around. Then I could be content with myself.

k.d.

My thoughts remain trapped here in my mind, like a box,
Pandora's Box.
We must be sure to never let them out.
They could ruin everything.
Can't you see them poisoning me?
Rotting my insides with doubt.

k.d.

It's like reaching out when there's nothing to clasp;
its like taking a breath that feels like your last.

Like leaping for something that's not really there,
or wanting to scream, when no one would care.

Like holding a hand that your eyes cannot see;
like being en-caged where they said you'd be free.

The sky is the limit, but I'm not that tall.
A confused little girl in this world feeling small.

No one to turn to, no where to stay;
My only way out seems so far away.

But I will get through this
And this too shall pass.
I tell myself this, then life spirals, I crash.

I'm just a girl, so your point I can't see.
Is it not possible;
that it's you not just me

-*kd

I told my Mom some things today,
I wish I'd said another way.
They eat me up inside,
these things I'm forced to hide.
I told her how he makes me feel;
I told her just "what's the big deal?".
She didn't seem to notice
so I came right out and told her.

She didn't seem too happy,
she just kept talking at me.
I cannot stand another day,
I shouldn't have to live this way.
She needed to know how I feel.
I came right out and told her.

Forevers not a promise,
It’s a fact.

Although, my heart is hurting.
And yes, it may be cracked.

Every second that I’m near you,
I’m on the mend.

Distance is illusion,
And so I play pretend.

Before we arrived here,
We made a pact.

A lifelong journey,
A soul contract.

A story so grand,
Through time and space on land.

How could you have forgotten?
We came here to expand.

The healing of this nation,
Relies on you and I.

I plan to act this out,
Before our bodies die.

I’ve chosen this path and
you along with it.

I wish you’d stick it out,
And fight to the finish.

I’m ever so patient,
I know you’re not ready.

I’m giving you space
And I’m keeping things steady.

I’m not the enemy,
But still you attack.

It isn’t my fault,
I possess what you lack.

The whole point is to balance
What’s alike and what’s different.

You seek accountability,
When we’re meant to produce it.

I know that you’re not ready
For this or for me,

But we are right in the thick of this
And I’m feeling lost at sea.

You’ve done this to me many times,
I know you can’t remember.

I just have to re-walk this path.
(We’ll touch base in December.)

With everything I practice and everything you preach, I thought that you could figure out, what they sent me here to teach.

I tried to exit this journey,
But every time I do…

The universe keeps pushing me
Right back into you

I’m growing quite weary
So I’m letting God steer me

I wanted to communicate,
But fail to do so clearly

I’m stuck at an impasse
Because I am an empath

I know I should be more assertive,
Nice guys always finish last

But with you there’s a soft spot
It’ll be there forever

I’m hoping that you’ll notice soon
Better late than never

You string me along
I put it in a song

I keep on fighting tooth and nail
I always seem so strong

My strength irritates many
Who know not what I’ve been through

But they pass their judgment
as they see what I give into

It’s been this way forever
It’ll be forever more

But nobody sees me
When I’m crying on the floor

I never let them see this side
Because it is unpleasant

I work so hard to heal myself
And remain in the present

I speak on what I’m thinking
Without revealing much

I write what I can’t speak about
My journal is my crutch

I keep the darkest parts in there
So no one senses my despair

The pain is there forever though
And so you reap, so shall you sew

Forevers not a promise
It is a fact.

You’ve shaken up the universe,
Brace for impact.