I'm the unexpected orphan left on someone's doorstep.
I am the lost property that nobody wishes to claim.

I am that sad love story with tattered pages and water stains
that reside on the ground for everyone to see, but no one dare touch.
If anyone acknowledge my damage
they may be held accountable
or worse,
be forced to do something about it.

I didn't get this way on my own.
Love,
or a lack there of,
has done this to me.
Now I'm tattered and worn with nothing to show for it.

*kd

You were the very first,
-not the last-
Certainly not the worst.

I said I, simply, wouldn’t
I knew that I “shouldn’t“
I certainly couldn’t.
Right? I couldn’t, shouldn’t, wouldn’t!

I’m learning that I’m ready
For the unknown and unsteady
No matter what I say,
My body just won’t let me.

I try to walk away but my heart
Wanders astray
And comes straight back to you
No matter what I do

What does this all mean?
When I’m with you,
it’s so serene
The feelings are surreal
And sometimes quite obscene

A delayed reaction
To my dissatisfaction
Results come in slowly
While the universe holds me

I try not to unravel
As I run around and travel
Dig my toes into the gravel
While my writers brain plays scrabble

Im so confused,
Sometimes I feel so used,
Yet you haven’t asked for much
I just gift you such and such

Not a people pleaser
But an Angel who is eager
To bring you all the blessings
While you warrant me life lessons

I’ve never said, no way before
And found myself longing for more
I’ve told you more than once
What I can’t seem to enforce
But if I fight the flow,
Will I find myself off course?

My body and my heart are very conflicted
I feel so free, yet highly restricted
My head tells my heart, it should take a step back
My heart tells my head that it must be cracked

Utterly insane to assume I have control of things
When I’m around you, my insides, they are smoldering
I feel at home, although- somewhat- neglected
I want to reach out but I fear the rejection

You’re hot, then you’re cold
You’re sweet, then you’re sour
I could watch you switch back and forth
Hour after hour

I have to be careful of what comes at a detriment
I can’t help but love you,
Debates are irrelevant
I won’t be taken advantage of
But I am no president
To dictate the rules
on what is
and is NOT “cool”

I just want to be
And at that, to be free
Though,
I’d like it if you chose to be
free here with me

Your vision is clouded,
so the truth that you cannot see
Is that your abundance comes when you give love and receive
That vulnerable love that you won’t let others know of
It’s the only thing stopping you from that which you seek
You aren’t shy, but your emotions are meek
And it’s hard for me to wait as I’m reaching my peak

But patience is key and the timing is prudent
Every day there are shifts, I’m the teacher and the student
I won’t miss any lesson and I won’t shirk any test
When we reach the destination where we all find our rest

I can only hope to say that our journey was masterful
And leaves an impression, long-lasting and classical
Complex and harmonious, infinitely inspiring
The journey will be heartfelt soon, and one day, less tiring

The first, not the worst
Not the future, not the past
Just the right here, right now
That I’d really like to last
The first peace of mind I’ve received in a while
Letting go of old narratives and healing my inner child
Letting out my primal instincts
Diving into the wild
Come to think of it,
I’ve found a genuine reason to smile

Take it or leave it,
The feeling still stays
Turbulent coasting
In all areas GRAY
Getting out of my boxes
And into your psyche
I took a peak inside,
And what I see? “Me likey.”

Thanks for all the lessons,
and the progress and the growth
Sorry for the times that it’s triggered us both
I’ve shared pain and gratitude
in the most calm, collected way.
And I’m grateful for this journey- and you-
Each and every day.

ʙᴏᴅʏ ᴏꜰ ᴇxᴄᴇʟʟᴇɴᴄᴇ.
ᴅɪᴠɪɴᴇʟʏ ᴛᴏᴜᴄʜᴇᴅ & ɢᴜɪᴅᴇᴅ ʜᴀɴᴅꜱ.
ʟɪᴘꜱ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴜᴛᴛᴇʀ ᴛʀᴜᴛʜꜱ ᴅɪꜱɢᴜɪꜱᴇᴅ
ʙʏ ʀɪᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ, ᴍɪꜱᴛᴀᴋᴇɴ ꜰᴏʀ ꜰᴀʙʀɪᴄᴀᴛɪᴏɴ.
ʙᴇᴀᴜᴛʏ ɪꜱ ᴅᴇꜰɪɴᴇᴅ ʙʏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄʀᴇᴀᴛᴏʀ-
ɴᴏᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴘᴇᴄᴛᴀᴛᴏʀ.
ᴏɴʟᴏᴏᴋᴇʀꜱ ᴍᴀʏ ᴄʀᴇᴀᴛᴇ ꜱᴛᴏʀɪᴇꜱ
ɪɴꜱᴛᴇᴀᴅ ᴏꜰ ʀᴇᴀᴅɪɴɢ ɪɴ ʙᴇᴛᴡᴇᴇɴ ᴛʜᴇ ʟɪɴᴇꜱ
ᴏꜰ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ɪꜱ ᴀʟʀᴇᴀᴅʏ ᴡʀɪᴛᴛᴇɴ.
ᴀᴍᴏɴɢꜱᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴏɴꜰᴜꜱɪᴏɴ & ɪʟʟᴜꜱɪᴏɴ,
ꜱʜᴇ ᴡᴀꜱ ᴛʜᴇ ᴛʀᴜᴛʜ.
ᴊᴜꜱᴛ ᴍɪꜱꜱᴇᴅ ʙʏ ᴀɴ ᴜɴᴛʀᴀɪɴᴇᴅ ᴇʏᴇ.
ᴀ ᴛᴇᴍᴘʟᴇ ᴅᴇꜱᴇᴄʀᴀᴛᴇᴅ ʙʏ ᴜɴᴋɪɴᴅ ʀᴜᴍᴏʀ.
ᴘᴜʀɪᴛʏ & ᴅɪᴠɪɴɪᴛʏ ɢʀᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ ʙʏ ɢᴏᴅ,
ᴅᴇꜰɪɴᴇᴅ ʙʏ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴏᴜʟ, ɴᴏᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴜʀꜰᴀᴄᴇ.
ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ꜱᴇᴇ ᴄʟᴇᴀʀʟʏ ʙᴇʏᴏɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴠᴀɪʟ?
ɴᴏ. ʏᴏᴜ’ᴠᴇ ᴀʟʀᴇᴀᴅʏ ᴍᴀᴅᴇ ᴜᴘ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴍɪɴᴅ
ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄʀᴇᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ɪꜱ ᴛᴀɪɴᴛᴇᴅ,
ꜰᴀʟꜱᴇ ᴘʀᴏᴘʜᴇᴄɪᴇꜱ ᴡʀɪᴛᴛᴇɴ ʙʏ
ᴛʜᴇ ᴊᴜᴅɢᴇᴍᴇɴᴛ ᴘʀᴏᴊᴇᴄᴛᴇᴅ ɪɴᴛᴏ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʙʀᴀɪɴ
ʙʏ ᴀ ꜱᴛᴀɴᴅᴀʀᴅ ᴄʀᴇᴀᴛᴇᴅ ʙʏ ᴍᴀɴ.
ᴅᴇᴄᴇᴘᴛɪᴏɴ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴀꜱꜱᴇꜱ.
ᴡᴇ ᴡᴇʀᴇ ꜱᴇɴᴛ ʜᴇʀᴇ ᴏꜰ ꜰʟᴇꜱʜ &
ᴄʟᴏᴀᴋᴇᴅ ᴡɪᴛʜ ꜱʜᴀᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴛᴜʀɴ ᴀ ᴘʀᴏꜰɪᴛ.
ᴡʜᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ꜱᴇᴇ ɪꜱ ɴᴏᴛ ᴀʟᴡᴀʏꜱ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ɢᴇᴛ.
ᴀ ᴘᴇʀᴄᴇᴘᴛɪᴏɴ ᴛᴀɴɢʟᴇᴅ ɪɴᴛᴏ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴍɪɴᴅ &
ᴅɪꜱᴛʀɪʙᴜᴛᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴅɪᴍ ᴀ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. ᴏᴜʀ ʟᴏꜱꜱ.
ᴛʜᴇ ᴋɴᴏᴡʟᴇᴅɢᴇ ɪꜱ ᴇᴀɢᴇʀ ꜰᴏʀ ʏᴏᴜ,
ɪꜰ ʏᴏᴜ’ᴅ ᴏɴʟʏ ꜱᴇᴇᴋ ɪᴛ.
ᴛʜᴇ ᴛʀᴜᴛʜ ɪꜱ ʜᴇʀᴇ ᴊᴜꜱᴛ ᴡᴀɪᴛɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴜɴᴇᴀʀᴛʜᴇᴅ,
ʙᴜᴛ ᴡʜᴏ ᴡᴀɴᴛꜱ ᴛᴏ ᴅɪɢ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴛʜᴇ ɪᴍᴍᴇɴꜱᴇ
ᴘʀᴇꜱꜱᴜʀᴇ ᴏꜰ ʙᴏᴜʟᴅᴇʀ ᴜᴘᴏɴ ʙᴀᴄᴋ?
ʜᴇᴀᴠʏ ꜱᴛʀɪᴅᴇꜱ ᴡᴇ ᴛᴀᴋᴇ.
ᴊᴜᴅɢᴇᴍᴇɴᴛ ᴄᴏᴍᴇꜱ ᴇᴀꜱɪᴇʀ.
ɪᴛ ɪꜱ ᴀ ʟᴇᴀʀɴᴇᴅ ʙᴇʜᴀᴠɪᴏʀ.
ɪᴛ’ꜱ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴡᴀᴋᴇ ᴜᴘ.
ɪᴛ’ꜱ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ʀᴇᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀ.
ʜᴇᴀʟ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʀᴏᴏᴛꜱ.
ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴏᴅʏ ɪꜱ ᴀ ʜᴏᴍᴇ ꜰᴏʀ ᴀ ꜱᴏᴜʟ.
ᴛᴏ ᴛʀᴜʟʏ ʙᴇ ɴᴀᴋᴇᴅ, ɪꜱ ᴛᴏ ꜱʜᴏᴡ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴄᴀʀꜱ
ʙᴇɴᴇᴀᴛʜ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴋɪɴ, ʟᴀʏᴇʀꜱ ᴅᴇᴇᴘᴇʀ &
ᴅᴇᴇᴘᴇʀ ᴘᴀꜱᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴘɪᴅᴇʀᴍɪꜱ.
ʙᴜᴛ ᴡʜᴏ ᴡɪʟʟ ʟᴏᴏᴋ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴜꜱᴛᴇᴅ ᴄᴏʀɴᴇʀꜱ
ᴡʜᴇɴ ᴡᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ꜱᴇɴᴛ ᴇxᴛᴇʀɴᴀʟ ᴅɪꜱᴛʀᴀᴄᴛɪᴏɴꜱ?
ᴏɴᴇ ᴄᴀɴ ᴏɴʟʏ ᴅʀᴇᴀᴍ.
ᴛʜɪꜱ ɪꜱ ɴᴏᴛ ᴀ ᴘʀɪꜱᴏɴ, ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜ
“ɪ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴡʜʏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴀɢᴇᴅ ʙɪʀᴅ ꜱɪɴɢꜱ”
~ ©ʜᴇɴᴅɪ

I don't think that they know how crazy I really am, how sad I really am, how permanent my loneliness is, how dead I feel I am to them. How little, I feel, I belong and how long this has been going on. I create these problems in my head and eventually I wish I were dead. No silence, no peace. Never for me. The cycle just continuously repeats.  
*k.d.

I've been thinking, lately, I've been thinking a lot.
I don't want to be alive and I also don't want to die.
I'm just existing. No friends. No purpose. Nothing.
Just here. And this constantly bothers me because
everyone seems to have something or be doing something.
I feel constantly alone and while I'm alone I contemplate
doing the most rash and unreasonable things.
I'm scared for myself because I don't know exactly
what I am capable of when feeling this helpless.
I know I'll be getting into trouble sooner or later.
I just want to rush back to my old ways and say
**** recovery, because what has it done for me?
Caused me misery and allowed my mind to run
rampant with these awful thoughts. What would
you do in my position? I don't have money and no one
will hire me. I can't travel, I have no love life. I've lost
all of my friends and I can't quite pull myself together
on my own. I need help. What would you do?
This is not a poem. Just a stream of my thoughts.

She refused to mold
To bend, to fold
Mended seem to seem
By the things that she had seen
Working hard to weave
The visions in her dreams
Into something beautiful,
Something pure and clean

Nothing could be taken
She refused to be forsaken
So she ran for the hills
To avoid all of the chills

She prayed to the skies
Asking Gods the “who’s” and “why’s”
Was this pure regression?
Self suppression?
Love?
Obsession?

These questions were quite pressing
But she sifted to find blessings
Somewhere in her pain,
She knew there’d be a lesson

She didn’t wish to lessen
The importance of her choices
But couldn’t sort her thoughts and feelings
From all of the voices

Clarity
She prayed
Each and every day
But still the dreams that haunted her
Sent her on her way ~

wonder if he knows that I cry over him. Does he realize that my skin is craving his skin? Nothing tastes better or feels worse than sin. I couldn't let go, I kept diving in. I continue to have an emotional affair to a man, that in my eyes, nothing compares. All of this bad timing is truly unfair; I sit here and wonder how I can repair this crippling situation that swallows me whole, like a succubus taunting and mocking my soul taking everything out of me, losing control. Love is confusing and takes quite a toll.
A past to revisit, though unjustly forbidden. I can't fight the thoughts, you can tell that I'm smitten. The ruse is sure to be up at some point so sit back, watch me crash, might as well roll a joint. They tell me to let go, they me to stop, I act as though I don't like what I've already got... I am often detached from thinking a lot, but allow me to elaborate and thicken the plot. While I'm being touched I am thinking of him, would it ever happen? The chances are slim. Too many people who's hearts are involved could be put at risk and that I can't solve... I invested my feelings in somebody else because I couldn't wait and I lack mental health. Now I'm alone although in a relationship; I didn't choose roads, I just sunk in the pavement. Wishing I could get back into his heart, I sit and break my own letting my home fall apart. I feel guilty and disgusted and jaded and fooled into something that others said would be "cool". A little love affair, some drama, some fragment... But the feelings I have now, they leave me quite stagnant. I have to avoid him at any and all costs, but that never happens. I am at a loss. I'm fighting for him, against all of the odds.. My brain and heart pushing and trying to back off. I toss and turn at night and often I scoff. As I sleep the thought swirls around see, I can't help myself, his presence  is astounding. I try to let go, but I want him around me. I want him to sit around and play with my hair, and to run around singing in my underwear listening to music tastes that we both share, smoking and relaxing, traveling everywhere. I could sit here and write down all of my dreams about this magic man that satisfies me, but that wouldn't effect a bit of this predicament... I'm thinking in circles and I am so sick of it. I don't want to hurt anyone but myself so I'll write these thoughts down to put them up on a shelf where no one will read them and no one can see the darkest and evil, aching parts of me. I can wonder all of the time and wish as I may but at the end of the day, my misery will stay.