My head aches from
this empty sameness
or maybe it just aches
from dregs of flu
I know my heart aches
from emptiness of you
yet to find the filler
to replace your space

This Missing You washes over me
in such varied waves and ways...
Sometimes soft and sweet, yearning, beautiful
Haunted by rich memories nearly relived

Sometimes it is passionate and pounding
strong, intense, awesome,
Unforgettable, rushing as the ocean
Breaking hard and salty on my softened pleading shores…

Then there are the times, like tonight,
when The Missing presses in harsh & steady,
bearing down with a heavy weight,
a frigid fear of loss.
This Missing nearly suffocates my heart
slipping through each crevasse...
So lonely here and now without you

Return me to that sweetest passion.
Miss me, too...
with promises & hope

The past seeping into the present
Flared, exploded
Ashes falling
Molten memories hardening
Reddish-brown volcanic hollow stone
Floating in mountains of
that which will not be
Grey

The rivers run dry, the rivers run dry, the rivers run dry tonight.
There’s a drought in the soul, a drought in the heart, a drought in the will to fight.
The water is turned to poison. The poison will crush your soul.
The water is turned to poison that burns up your whole
The castle collapsed to the dungeon; the dungeon is where we live
Dark and hungry and soulless with nothing left to give

Art is when the universe
sings the language of the soul
recreating for a moment
the eternity of birth & fire
the intensity of creation & ash
vapors of nothing
forming, transforming
both growing and dying
becoming melded & moulded into
singular beauty & horror
beyond mere word or thought
where feelings surpass logic
making perfect sense
of all & nothing

Art is the soul
living into the beyond
catching a spark of whatever heaven
may be
& so we burn
artistry in the in-betweens

Don’t you know you ****** with my heart
Don’t you know you ripped it apart
Don’t you know I’ll make a new start
I can turn this chaos to art

Over fifteen years of friendship you tossed
Still I didn’t count you as lost
Patiently melting thick frost
‘Til back into my life you crossed

Was it all just a game to you?
Will I forever mean shame to you?
Now denied all hope to reclaim with you
The love we once both proclaimed e’er true

Yet, these tattoos proudly are worn,
Though, at times this love is a thorn,
Your friendship I never would scorn
It’s your “not in the future” I mourn

I wonder, is trust a thing of the past?
Could deep friendship not truly last?
Now it seems much has surpassed
the care you once held fast.

I will be there for you
When you are too tired
To be
Let me hold you
until you are ready
to Resume

Just hold me  
Wipe away my tears  
Promise me  
Someday  
Because I miss you  

I think I hear  
Why  
But it doesn’t stop  
Me crying  
Or wishing  
Because I miss you
  
Do you know what I miss the most?
Friendship
I miss being friends.

Fall scents, squirrels dash,
children chatter & laugh let out from school,
wind rushing fast, cement path
rattles, speeding by...

happy memory, moments shared
a continent apart

different paths, different parks, different worlds
Merge
in those brief sections of time
two minds, two hearts
share eternal moments
through this shared experience


Remember that time
Blading in the park?

Your fire
Will not be dimmed
With the midnight lights
It still burns behind closed eyes
This tired night
I need you
Fire mine
Breath, voice, touch
Even just the knowledge of your presence
You are the flame
E’er flaring in my heart
So bright
I Love you, Ever

I have been thinking today
Of things I wanted to do but never did
before dad died.
These thoughts morphed to questions
of what I’d wish to do–my bucket list–
with you.
  
I would, first, want to absorb
everything you,
to hear you share thoughts closest to your heart—passions, interests, people.
I would know your dreams,
your struggles, peeves and pleasures…
to hear you reminisce of life experiences…
I wish so much to hear.
Yes, first on my bucket list with you–conversation.
  
Next, we might enjoy together
outdoor experiences in nature.
Whatever adventures are accessible
I’d wish to share with you.
Exploring trails, seeing various animals
(just know that monkeys love to bite me!)
Expressing our awe in each wonder,
Drifting on the ocean waves…
And more, so much more!
  
I miss so much and ever would desire more
to explore the Chemistry of us…
I would try to more carefully capture
every single moment, each sensation,
Preserving in my mind’s museum
knowing you
Never would I have a single memory slip away or fade or blur.
  
My bucket list is not a list really…
It’s a lifetime
forever diving deeper into you.
It’s a bucket-full of moments lived together
It’s two lives conjoined overflowing with love
eternal

I considered another
Something only you
A hidden clue—connector of hearts
Our secret

I picture you as A hawk n me a phoenix
(I do like a bit of worddplay)
I imagyne majestic raptors
Soared the vast blue ether of your hometown...
& I remember as a child
searching Southern skkies for a red-tailed hawk...
+
I alwayz loved this symbol of you
before we even met

I can’t decide where your bird might reside:
maybe as a guardian perched atop a shoulder?
I would like to see it often
not have it hidden as so much else must be...
Should it rest a reminder on my wrist
of how my pulse beats to rhythms of your memory?

As a symbol, I prefer an abstract drawing...
Perhaps a single line?
or geometric design
reminiscent of Cathedral glass?
(Metaphor of our lives)
Should I incorporate the ampersand?my constellation?
The hawk could be a water-brush design
Unfinished?

...possibilities

I wonder
what you might suggest
as an image of your memory
Buried ‘neath my skin

There was a summer…mmm, a handful of days,
then one northeastern evening…
(sorry, our history becomes a bit of a haze…
were all those memories misleading?)
I wanted to borrow & hold & treasure
through several handfuls of always forever
but the past told me, “Best leave it be”
So here I am ruminating
Messing about with a handful of words instead
(of the simplest primitive kind sometimes)
maybe it all was just in my head
memories of a love imagined
connection ne’er before fathomed
echoes of soul-deep passion…
Could it have been a mere passing?

did I mention how I dread
the empty spaces still?
I’d wished for a caring hand
and one to watch birds at the windowsill
pecking the moments to fill
Greying days with smiles and silences—Peaceful
now I’m not sure who would sit with me…
’cause no-one fits that wish you see
it’s quite a unique place
this heart-hole empty space
that the past of you once graced…
now it’s just called “The Missing”
christened with a handful of wishing
painted over with a handful of words
I’ll bring flowers tomorrow

This one is different
Deeper, harder, more intensely lost
Ended, final, hopeless
What do I know?
Nothing
Just floating in space
I could end here
Gazing out into this fantastical void
Still I look to see the mirage of you
Hope is a wonderfully nice feeling
Too often false
It was nice to fake it while it lasted
But all good things, like silly hopes,
Must end
So goodbye, my beloved dream
I’ll miss pretending You were real

I will deeply miss
these spaces where your mists reside
yet I cannot abide the pain
that rattles my brain when you hide
and anyway,
that room has said “goodbye”
so must I (with mournful sigh)
still, I WILL so deeply miss
these spaces where your mists reside

Frosty greetings on the green outside my door
Icy tracings left by frozen spectres of the night
Mirroring the lonely lines inside my mind
Where chilly ghosts of you remind my reaching arms
That as the summer brown-eyed Susans you have wilted
Gone, those sunny petals of your wistful smile
Left alone the dotted memories of a love forever chained
Yet, I will don my winter coverings
Crunch my searching feet through browning leaves
and frostbitten grassy dreams
Ever seeking through the changing seasons
For your hidden love—somewhere, somehow it beats
A muffled song of your desire persisting
Memories hibernating, not forgotten, our forever passion
Cryopreserved this autumn morning
Awaiting an awakening
of your love

🔥
I burn wild & strong
Blaze bright & long
Do me wrong
I flame on
Fire I bleed
Feed my need
From this seed
Pyrophytic breed
sip honeysuckle sweet
from hardened ****…
Would he defeat
This flaming heat?
On repeat
Lies, deceit
Inferno retreat
Into my heat
Ember glow
Ashes know
Eventually I go
Cold as snow
yet, buried below
I grow, I grow
My own hero
lava flow, flow, so…
burst Fireworks glitz
amidst sparks emits
reborn Phoenix
Flame’s remix
the Cycle of Fire
🐦‍🔥

Sometimes it feels as though
Each time we have a serious talk
I like him even less
(and often miss you more)
true again tonight
needing empathy
Is yours now distant too?

Yes
Don’t we all just want to feel
****
Smart
Attractive
Desirable
& mostly LOVED…
Don’t we all want to know
We’re valued
Admired
Appreciated &
Mostly LOVED

don’t we all just need to know
We matter?

I matter…I am ****…I am important…I am LOVED!
You matter! You are ****.  You are important! You are LOVED!
So don’t
Fade away
We MATTER
Always…
We all need to know
We matter to someone…
You are everything to me

You were the rhyme
i thought i could write back to life
Until i learned
the Reader had long since died

“Rest in Peace, Poem Beloved”
as fresh flowers i lay
on an overgrown grave

It’s been a while
since I saw your smile
seeming to approve
as I pretended it was you
inside

I miss that pleasure, gone now
since those brief clarifying words

your once hungry eyes
now whisper hinted cries
from dejection’s pit
satisfaction morphed to darkness
famished shadows have replaced
passionate sparkles in your gaze

I still, just now, found pleasure
finalized desires for you
(as always)
Sad, though, that your face
can no longer grace
those moaning moments

Under your image
I would shower tears instead

Yes, I miss the pleasure of your visage
In new ways now.
I miss believing that your lips
might part for mine
Someday

When I die
Let me be Queen for a day
Let me prepare for death as for a wedding
I don’t want to go Fading
& losing Life inch by inch along the day
until friends & family say
“Her mind is gone
visiting other worlds
mostly of miseries”
I don’t want to cry out in the night Scared
and scaring those
who in sleepless misery bathe my rice-paper skin out of love or duty
Let me not go a Burden
or burdened by pain, insanity, dementia
Let me say good-bye
Lucid and happy
A final farewell party
Before a final sleep of peace

I’ll not touch you
If You don’t want me to
From your words & acts I’ll take my cue
But if you flip my switch & with your okay
I’ll make your mind go numb as you sway
To my hypnotic grind when I have my way
Caressing, confessing
secret hungers that crawl beneath my skin
The need to feel you plunge within
I’m years’ deep now, excitable
Sensations beyond all you imagine
Urging me to dance that dance with your permission
But ONLY if you flip my switch
If not, have no fear
Just friends, then, here

I had hoped
you would love me
Forever
Does forever really exist?
Does love really exist?
Do YOU really exist?
I love you forever
So I think
The answer
Is, “YES”

there’s no grey in black & white
until the bleeding starts
then, sometimes
there’s even color

I’m sorry for not hearing
When life was stressful
When your loved ones were hurting
Or when one had hurt you.

I’m sorry for worrying that what you might
or might not choose to do could affect me
more than considering the pain you suffered

I’m sorry for being impatient.
I’m sorry for being needy.

I’m sorry for relating stories--
knives that sliced your heart

I’m sorry for making it all about me.

I’m sorry for not being there
when you looked for a friend;
& for being there too loudly
as I searched for a listening caring ear.

I’m sorry I lack the skill
You apparently acquired through the years
of sealing the past in a photo book
forgotten on a shelf.

I’m sorry for wanting to roll back the tape
then sit wrapped up on the couch with you.

I’m sorry I still haven’t erased your life
from the plethora of "Someday" snapshots.
I’m sorry for wanting a redo
of all those times in the past when
I wasn’t a very good friend.

I know you are different...
but so am I.
I am so very very sorry for all those ways
I hurt you.
I’m trying to grow into a better me.
I just wish we could meet each other
as Who we each are today
I do believe that if we did
we would only be better Friends.

Valuing far more than being valued
Decades & counting
Yet to find a lover who loves
as loved

sorrow

I woke up in the early morning hours
Insomnia—such a ***** sometimes
But this time, I didn’t mind
All was quiet
Even my thoughts were calm
Deep in waking dreams of love
I relished the alone hour with you

I wonder: Was your mind with me too?

Good morning, Love,
Today I woke up twice to you,
Making it a morning with a double shot of "good".

I hope my love
blankets you with peace and comfort as you sleep
So that you, too, might wake
to a double shot of "good"
when your morning rises.

“Will this rabbit’s foot
Bring me good luck?”
Said the bunny to the sheep
Pointing to her tired feet
Having walked too far
In the wrong pair of shoes

“Probably not”
Silenced the sheep,
“It’s all water under the bridge”
(But the bridge had long since
Been washed out)

The animal crossing
Makes for a good story
& traditions are fun
But horoscopes are useless
When fates rest in human hands

Anyway,
“Happy New Year”
whispered a cheery moon.
“Let’s all just enjoy the day”
While the little Leo children,
Laughed to find red envelopes
& danced with the lions.

You let my heart
run wild
with yours today
…
I wish I could say, it’s true…
but, rather, I just miss you

There’s a gaping chasm
Empty, hollow, waiting…
A you-shaped heart-hole
Sometimes tiny tidbits of your world waft this way
Drawn by magnetic pull, crashing into me
They help soothe the edges for brief moments as they land
Or sometimes amplify the absence  
only echoes of desire
Phantoms
  
True balm to ease this open wound
Would be your words, your voice, your image…
Your life aligned with mine…
For now the trickling ointment
Evidence of your existence
must satisfy
These droplets matter
To my aching heart.
  
I Love & Miss
You…
YOU—the missing piece
still

Even now, hobbling around the house
with crutches…
this evening,
I imagine you on the couch with me again
*******
Inviting you to enter
This house is not my home
You are
I need you inside

Instead, empty
it all feels empty
as I’m missing you again

The hunger written in your eyes
Traced in softest lines along your lips
Visions of the need you felt…
Twined around my heart
& stayed, remained
Rooted deeply in my past & now & evermore
Yes, they remain — these photos etched into my memories
favorite visions of desire
igniting my desire
Evermore
None other can compare
Lips speaking more than words
Beyond the promise of “I love you”
Did those lips lie?
Possibly forget?
Embrace a kiss more passionate?
I only know, those lips—
Echoes of a love so deeply missed!
Now every time I see such hunger in expression
I remember and desire you alone
& your hungry eyes

A goodnight memo of peace  
Sharing soul-bound moments with you  
Before I rest my mind in sleep.  
My wish for you is boiling, bubbling,  
flowing over  
flooding the ache  
of missing your goodnight  
Hold.  
******* a kiss  
To jump start my happiest dreams  
Of feeling your warmth  
In my skin and core.  
Yes, this midnight I desire  
More  
Ever more  
Of you

Once you were Real, Faded, then Gone…

I have a great imagination &
I don’t feel like missing you so
I’ll play pretend…

Welcome to my life, imaginary friend!
We have a heart-load of **** to share;
it’s been so long.
Tell me of your travels...
Of those new to your life. . . the losses, too.
Share stories of your family
Tell what warms your heart
confide in me the highs and lows, the everything

Then I’ll speak of mine…but. . .

here's the thing about imaginary friends…
I cannot know of you; silence is your truth
Ridiculously I converse, one-sided…

for (imaginary) friendship's sake