Johnny heard a symphony
In his head
He repeated every word he read
He could hear every harmony
Melody
Saw the notes on the line
Johnny saw the world filled with music
He lived it
So you labeled him autistic
Because if your brain works different
You take pills to make it the same
Different is bad
But when he takes the pills the music goes away
The symphony turned into a piano
That's not quite on key
Instead of beauty
It's an almost perfect note he can't see
"The doctors said it wouldn't disappear completely"
He's conducting to an empty orchestra
The instruments have been put away
The flutes are in the corner
With dust and decay
His fingers can no longer grace the piano keys
He had to think what does that mean
But he can't think
He feels woozy
And dizzy
The pills took away his ability to be free
They said his disorder made him weak
That he could be amazing
If only he was the same
He could be perfect
If we pick at his brain
That are playing a game
With his sanity
He was insane
But they still call crazy
Nothing has changed
But the pulls added a haze
And took his ability
To make music
That's not the same

I am a scenery
to be looked at from afar

when you're on a balcony looking out to new york
your eyes immediatly go to the buldings with the pretty lights
not even thinking about whats within them
and you're last glance is to the darkest spots
but if you looked at them closer you'd realize they count the most

and no matter how far to the edge you will be
you'll never be close enough to really look at me
you will never see the inside of my buildings
nor walk the dark spots in the depths of my mind
there was a time when i could call myself beautiful

*just look at all the pretty lights
the billboard saying "be who you wanna be"
but even if you're at the edge of your seats
you'll never get close enough to a scenery

Can someone explain to me
why is it that I can't see?
Why are my eyes
drowning in my fears?

Sleep, sleep, sleep
darkness come to me
embrace me, speak to me
why am I so lonely?

Let me burn in the pyres
I can't stand this cold
let me go, just let me go
please..

I have always believed that human beings grew up wanting to be grown
and spent the time when we were wanting to try again
all the time I have known I felt this was true
and coming back to me and you I'll say it again:
life is not lived outside of original sin
and every step I take feels like a mistake
no emo lyricism here
just real fear because there's too much dark in this big broad world for anyone to shed any real light
and without light the shadows creep and crawl
and I can watch the walls but who mans the halls
all night long I wait awake
every blink and every breath I take another reason for me to fear
"major depressive disorder"
doctors croon that like a sweet lullabye
but that does nothing to dry my eyes because what?
I'm not sick, just crazy?
I'm not hurt, just lazy?
I know the pains I feel so deep
if they aren't real then neither am I
I fall short of every sunrise with color but I try
major depressive disorder according to books
(allow me to paraphrase, I can't be bothered to look again)
is categorized by an extreme feeling of hopelessness
and loss of interest and I feel they are lacking finesse
when I am told I am a sad sad soul because the world is grand and wide
and I would invite it all to come inside
but I can't and that makes me sad.
it makes me sad when I see the way people are treated.
it makes me sad and often downright defeated
and when the little flame that keeps this broken heart burning
gets washed out by the darkness of the world awake and yearning
waiting for a moment of doubt and weak
I feel so ******* meek
me, meek.
I feel like the world is collapsing but only in my chest
I feel like an infant in a bulletproof vest getting shot
my skin starts to itch and I can't scratch with my nails deep enough
and son of a ***** they don't trust me with sharp things anymore
and the scores on my arms are the times I have lost
and this battle isn't won and this is hardly a war
this is slaughter, this is me standing alone under the whole wide world and keeping it up
and this is everyone I love looking at me straining and telling me that I'm slipping up
alaska is too far south today, do I even give a ****?
depression is not a feeling of overwhelming sadness
I am not sad because of misaligned cables in my mind
I am sad because no matter how hard I try
I'm told that I am not.
but here I am still trying, standing up from my cot on the floor
and every step outside that yawning door
there are people pulling me back and slinging words that cut deeper than I ever did
and every hand that grasps my shirttails to try and pull me home like a lost little kid
leaves mars all down my back, claws that sink and ravage leaving me ****** and raw
and bleeding open and sloppy all on the floor I keep my pace, like every step will be the last straw
like every step is the last one I need to take to get away
and as I go I follow all the trails of similar blood, refreshed by people like me every day.
and I just wanted to say
I don't give a flying **** what you think you know about my scars
I don't care if it makes you uncomfortable to see my arms, the sun is out and it's 90 ******* degrees
don't lie to me and say I should be ashamed and not wear these badges like good luck charms
don't tell me my survival is offensive to your eyes because you should know without being told
these scars are here to help me grow old
when I needed to remember I was alive these scars
were fresh cuts, science experiments on a corpse brought back screaming "I'M ALIVE"
I'm not ashamed for surviving because if I were ashamed
I wouldn't be.

The funny part is that I can't tell the difference between want and need. When your want is so strong it makes you limbs twitch and force your mind to stop functioning it's pretty easy to forget you don't need something. It's easy to forget that its bad for you when it's the only thing that will make the pain stop. Even though you constantly remind me I can fight it, it's hard for me to remember that when all I can think about is.... I can't stop going back to it. I can't tell the difference between want and need.