Recovery.

What does that mean?
A goal I set 5 years ago
After trying to "eat clean"
Yet how can I recover
in a world obsessed
with losing weight.

Eat this, not that.
Make sure you move.
Calorie counts galore
You have something to prove.

Dessert? Horrible.
Treats aren't allowed.
Less in, more out
Till you're light as a cloud.

Look at her weight loss
She's been "so good"
Eaten less and less
Lost all that she could.

This is the noise
I deal with.

And I'm told to
not listen
to think otherwise
don't focus on fat
or the size of your thighs

I try
Believe me, I try
But 5 years later
and my body makes me cry
Wanting to be normal
but perpetually sad
No matter what I eat
most of it's bad.

A part of me would give anything
To lose some pounds
So when I feel my body
it isn't just mounds.

Alas.
I don't know if that's possible.

Losing weight is equivalent
to losing your mind
Getting high off "control"
and the "esteem" you find
Obsessed with calories
and the steps you track
Monitoring everything
each and every snack.

No way
to live a life.

Nourish yourself with wholesome food
Don't sacrifice your mood.
So much more to do on this earth
Beyond obsessing over weight and shape.

I know
I know how hard it is to ignore the voice in your head
And all the diet culture, that closely treads

Do what's best for you
You deserve balance with food.

I never knew
It could be true
That I could feel close
To a boy I knew

Everything is better
when I'm by your side
The darkness fades,
I've turned the tide

Yet
This doesn't feel like an unhealthy obsession
Like it always has before
On my own I'm okay
But together I'm something more

Living in the moment
Enjoying things day by day
More compassion for myself
and my body as it is today

Months ago I was convinced
That darkness was my fate
But hope and help and support
Has shown me the life I can create

For the first time

in a very long time

I actually feel joy.

I feel peace
and calm
can appreciate good songs
the light in my brain has turned on

Concentration and focus
have graciously returned
Clear thinking and contentment
For this I've yearned

I stare at the trees
How plants sway in the breeze
The beauty of nature
is something I now seize

Gratitude

I truly never thought
These feelings would return
Thought I was doomed to sadness
and never-ending hurt
Be numb or depressed,
Neither preferred

Close to giving up.

This feeling may not stay,
But I'm grateful to have felt this way
even for a few days.

I cherish this outlook
and the way that I feel

I'll use what I've learned
To help others hope to heal

You look at me and smile
and anxiety melts away
My heart grows
My brain knows
Things might actually be okay

You listen to my ramblings
Put up with my weird quirks
I didn't know
That this could grow
My past is filled with jerks

You accept me for my struggles
Past and present day
Didn't think that that was possible
Is what I used to say

Attractive, kind, and fun
and lots of chemistry too

In an uncertain future
I'm glad to say
I've spent some time with you.

My internal pain is invisible,
my anguish cannot be seen.
I go through each day
making my way
but with little knowledge of where I've been.

Working, volunteering, trying,
to spark a bit of joy
but I still feel blue,
what am I to do?
My smile is a ploy.

Help.
I'm screaming on the inside
Hoping someone will notice and care.
For now, I feel like a burden
wallowing in my despair.

I'm tired of pretending to be normal
Of the appearance that I've made
Of seemingly being high functioning
When in truth I'm continuing to fade

I'm sorry I can't be happy,
I'm sorry I'm always this way,
hoping someone perhaps reaches out,
tells me it'll be okay

I've learned so much, alas,
Nothing seems to work.
"You're fine Laura, keep going"
Until my brain truly goes berserk

From July 2017:

Explaining how I feel to others
Is a difficult feat

For they are unable to see the wars waging in my mind
How sanity is what I'm desperately trying to find

Worried about the future
Contemplating the past

Battling the rules I rigidly made

Rules that were supposed to keep me safe and sound
Turned me around

Trying to organize the chaos that encompasses my life
So many things I want to do, but never enough time

Picking on myself is automatic you see
I'm trying to stop perpetuating my misery

But depression is a sadness you cannot shake
A welt in your side you cannot heal
Sadness encompasses you and you'd give anything to not exist

Anxiety reminds you of everything you haven't done
How you aren't good enough
How everything is impossibly tough

Perfectionism urges you to succeed
But if you're inadequate, taunting proceeds

The eating disorder developed out of low self esteem
War on my body
War on the image in the mirror

A satisfactory punishment
For all I mess up in
A method of control
A desperate attempt to succeed in something
Anything
Numb the emotions
Quiet the pain
Dwindle and disappear
But you go insane

An unhealthy coping mechanism
No way to live a life
I'm starting to see through this never ending strife
I'm beginning to accept myself for who I am

To acknowledge how far I've come
How perhaps I'm not incredibly dumb
Recognize the lies that my mind whispers to me

Each day is a challenge
Each day is a test
Each day I'm trying to do my best

From my experiences I have so much to give
I am continuing to learn
I want to share my knowledge
As my passion for mental health
Continues to live

My biggest fear
to this day
is that others won't accept me
when I'm not completely okay

I fight the battles
in my mind
sometimes peace
is hard to find

"Everyone will run from your darkness"
"Nobody will understand"
"Stay. quiet. Your thoughts are quicksand."

But now I'm discovering
This may not be true
I took a large leap
And opened up to you

Wore my heart on my sleeve
chatted about my life
was honest and real
about my daily strife

And

you

listened.

Didn't judge what I said,
or try to offer extra advice
didn't get all uncomfortable
were incredibly nice

Asked amazing questions
That nobody else has
Took a real interest
Really tried to understand

Mind.
blown.

I walked away from our chat
with a smile on my face
and a hope in my heart
as it's a different case

Words cannot capture
how grateful I am
to have someone to talk to
I'm not shut like a clam

You give me joy and hope
which is sometimes hard to find
You also truly care
about the state of my mind

How fortunate I am
to know someone like you
that makes my days seem less blue
amidst all of this
all the world is going through
and having to be distant,
which is sad but true
I'm definitely continuing to fall for you