im a sad pathetic little girl back then.
i was lost and couldnt find my place in the world.
i was broken by the boy who wouldnt even turn his head my way.
but then you came, you filled up the empty soul that was long been suffering inside this body
you made me think twice about my life and how im living it.
i started to see colors in my dull gray life again.
you brought back the life in.
you ignited the flame that was only one breathe away from being put out.
i was the happiest girl in the world.

was.

because little did i know, you build me up just to shatter me even more.
just like how you light a birthday candle and make its flame go shine brightly just to blow it out.
you ignited the flame inside me only to put it out once you got warm.
you put colors in my life only to realize halfway that you prefer black and white after all.
so you left.

now my life is back to being black and white.
please.
come back now.

i want you to come back,
i want us to go back to the way things were,
to the time when we were madly in love with each other,
to the time when you couldnt even bear to be away from me for even just a day,
to the time when everything is perfect and everyday is a perfect day--
well, not exaclt perfect because we do fight a lot and most of them are about things that didnt even matter--
but to me they were perfect because theres you and theres me and the world can go **** itself because nothing can separate us then.


then.


thats the most hurtful word that i could think of that can describe whatever im feeling rght now; whatever emptiness this is.


us....then.

its so much different from the "us" now.
because theres no "us" now.
but i guess Theodore Finch is right; theres a built-in ending in everything.

And i guess this is ours.

And even though im the least bit ready for this inevitable built-in ending that we've created for ourselves,
i cant do anything but accept it.
Because you chose this...not me.
You gave up.
You left me.
And you have someone else now,
And its game over for me.

the feeling of happiness
your love has given me
has long been missing

you are a yin fen
as much as you **** me every second of every day,
i cannot live without you,
for i will die immediately.

youre the humming
in my veins
and im just
a dust
on your fingertips

XLIII

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,—I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!—and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Growing up too fast wasnt something i chose, but it marked a defining point of my childhood despite not being 18. I lost my innocence the day i realized that the pretty words a boy will tell you are a dagger in disguise. I lost my innocence the day i let my reputation define me, but adults will still say "You dont even know how bad life can get yet, all you have to do is go to school." What they dont know is that in school, they may teach you how to read and write. In school they taught me how to recite plays and taught me how to multiply 10 times 8, but they didnt teach me how to stop loving someone who doesnt love you anymore. They dont teach you how to deal with a goodbye you never received. In school they dont teach you that your friends will turn their back on you if its the cool thing to do, they dont teach you about how a boys kiss can taste better than Prozac. In school they dont teach you that alcohol makes as many problems as it solves but man does it feel good to let your throat burn for a split second rather than deal with the aching pain in your heart and the problems in your head that you couldnt solve. they teach that arithmetic and english are the main things to learn in life but life isnt 10 times 8 and life isnt this beautiful picture that artists paint. Life is the nights you lie awake at 16 missing a boy who you gave everything to. Life is the pain in your eyes that says Im fine when you know that isnt true. So maybe you are right, maybe i dont have to pay bills or deal with the "adult" world, but ive learned more about life in my 16 years of ages than some adults ever will.

We tell each other "i love you" repeatedly,
maybe because a single i love you is not enough to express what we really feel.
Maybe our love for each other is too overwhelming to be defined by a single i love you.
But as i read my favorite poems, i stumbled upon one saying if we repeat something over and over again it'll lose its meaning.
Now im afraid to say i love you over and over again.
It might make you get used to it and make it lose its meaning to you.
How do i tell you i love you if saying "i love you" dont mean anything at all?