"Do you believe in your dreams and aspirations?" I whispered to myself.
Looking at the grey dull sky, I sigh.
"I don't, I can't believe in them"

Round and round my mind goes,
Infiltrating my deepest and finding answers yet here it is.
Avoiding the question that runs kilometers in my heart.
The question that travels the end of me and back.

"Don't I believe in my future?"

I do, I'd like to believe so.
But my dreams fight my heart, breaking through my ribcage. Searching for my mind. Because it's the logical one. It should tell me my dreams. It should lead me in the right direction.

Are my dreams my own,  or are they the subliminal message the world throws at us.
That being making a difference, generating money that never ends.
Or a white picket fence with a family.

Now tell me. My first love was known to be art.
The oil, the fuel that drove my creativity and told me that I had no limits. That told me that I could go above any substantial pedestal.
But they told me not to, that I can't love it the way I should. Which hurt. Broke me until I found sports

But the deafening injuries it set to my body forces me to create a never ending strain. Pain that could never be released and healed if I don't stop.

But just because I loved them, made me wonder if they were my dreams.
Would I really spend the rest of my life on them.
The world tells you to make money out of your hobbies.
But aren't we just following the cycle of follow your dreams which is money?

"Do you believe in your dreams and aspirations?"

I don't know what to believe in.
Somebody tell me what my dreams are?

Because in the end, we are told that success is money.
And money is success.

Does this make money my dream?

But I don't know what I miss exactly.
Or if I really miss you.
The misshaps of death might have left me here,
But I miss you.

You were a cruel bitter sweet memory of my childhood.
A surge of pain and heartbreak in my eyes.
The reason behind her glass eyes and exhausted posture.

I miss you.
The sudden heavy weight of death.
Caused a rising pain in my chest,  a cut in my throat.

There exists a black hole.
Piled up with emptiness, searching for more.
Hoping to fill it.

I miss you.
Your lips moved in hate.
Spitting senile, hatred words.
Staining my heart.
You never really had a soul from the start.

I miss you.
I miss the days you were goofy
The days you made me laugh.
The times life shined through and showed us the gentle side.

It hurts, missing you with a dash of hate.
Hate for you not being able to apologize.
For you breaking what we were.
The bond we once had.

The awkward moments rose each day.
Every time you died a little.
Everytime the hospital stench started to feel like home.

I miss you.
You hurt me.
Them.

I miss you.
I feel incomplete.
Come back.

Please.

There's a little bit of pain everywhere.
Emotions cut throat disturbing the mindset of others.
As her bloodshot eyes tell the story of a broken heart.
His teary eyes represent the broken, defeated part of his soul.

There's a little bit of pain everywhere.
A small impact that creates a wave of emotions that begin to cluster our hearts and creates a weight of heavy pain.

There's a little bit of inevitably everywhere.
I ask,
"How long shall this storm tear us further more into pieces? "

Her body wobbles like jelly. Vision darkens like the night sky.
The euphoric feel brings her to a close high.
She hits the ground, feeling nothing but her broken battered heart.

He looks at her,  not knowing what to do.
His head faced down, tears flowing like the river.
He tries to understand but his heart screams "**** the cycle of life"
He closes his eyes and ***** his fist with frustration.

I stand there watching them.
Eyebrows furrowed, a heavy hardened look plastered on.
Try not to feel their pain because what I feel is not for them but for me.
What I feel is selfish.
As they look at who they became because of her,  I reminisce the memories and chances I got to see him.
I think about the things I could have done.

How I should have stayed there and said my proper good byes to the man that raised me.
But the Pride he Created and built in me.
The level of strength he engraved on me.
Disregards the sense of emotions I need to let go off.
Eyes furrow deeper as I try to support them.
To watch them and try to be grateful for the life they had with her.

But seconds later, my soul wanders to the mourning I need to do.
To the mourning that will haunt me.
For I never gave you a proper goodbye.
And for the goodbye that will never come.
I'm not ready.

"How are you? " concerned voices overlap my sense of thinking. Eyebrows creased in pity, eyes full of sorrow staring right into my lifeless ones.
"Have you cried? " they utter.
I stare blankly at them.
Not having the right answer or response.

See truth of the matter is voices chase me telling me I need closure.
Mind drilling inside me telling me I need composure.
Because truth of the matter is I don't want to believe it.

Life is precious but the sudden hit of death makes you realise that more.
It makes you want to cherish it.
But the sad reality is that, the mindset of what death teaches us isn't going to stick with us.
Weird right?
We start to believe life is short and precious  but give us a couple of days and ****. Mindset gone.

They told me that I needed closure.
From the second they saw my lifeless eyes and limp body.
They told me I needed to let it go.
To accept and understand that this is the circle of life.
They told me I need to shed tears more and be more emotional.
Told me that I should face my fears.

They kept telling me how to react,
What to do and I just couldn't.
I just can't.

Sitting outside looking at the night sky
Watching the stars shine bright I exhale.
I sigh in extreme exhaustion and pain.
I sigh in such a way that my heart and soul are screaming to the world.
Head faced high my mind scatters,
My heart jolts and runs leading to an almost cardiac.
With the sudden need to whisper to the winds and ask them where he is and if he's safe.
Feet trembling with the requirement of making sure he's somewhat happy where he is.
Soul shatters with the idea that I can never see him again.
A stinging longing pain arises in my chest.
Making me stare blankly.

Composure Composure!
My mind screams.
Dare not to dream,  nightmares follow you then.
I clear my painful lump filled throat.

Composure composure, I sing song to myself.
I'm not ready for closure because the reality of losing you finally hits in.
I don't want that.

Today
Today I saw nothing but blissness,
Covered up with clouds of video games and the exotic taste of Wi-Fi to lead me in the direction of blindness.

Today
Today I felt my thumb and index finger throb in exhilaration with just a teaspoon of rejuvenating pain.

Today I sat anxiously looking at the screen,
Running away from reality by re-creating a fantasy where I was the hero.

Today I ran away from this distasteful land.
Just like most people would.

Today I became an ignorant human being.

I followed the loud whispers of 'ignorance is bliss'
And for that I got the sweet serene kiss of nothingness.

Yes I admit today I was ignorant and I ran
Dodging and jumping, avoiding trouble in the forest of life.
After all there's only so much one can handle.

Responsibility called out to me and I pulled my get out of jail free card and I sat in front of the screen.
Envisioning a world like my video game.

Today I was ignorant
But not for long.

Leaving my sanctuary screen,
It was that time,
The time where my chores screens in "finish me,  do me, it's about that time",
Reluctantly I stood, eyes fixated on the trash I had to take,
With a heavy sigh.
I listened to the callings of my chores.

Plastic in my hand filled with yesterday's food,
Today's cleanings and maybe a little bit of breakfast.
Stomping down the stairs,
Unaware of my surroundings,
As ignorance enveloped me in a tight hug.
Shucks I'm only human.

My last step down the stairs
My senses heishtened, the warm chill envading my legs,
Causing goosebumps to rise, along with my left brow.
"Am I not to be ignorant? Why do I feel the wind? " my mind searched
My ears picked with a cry from a girl.
But this was no ordinary cry.

A cry of happiness when a daughter sees her father
A cry of contentness of an adventure between a father and daughter.

My ignorance shattered after that.
There are fathers that stay and become the greatest of parents
They need appreciation too.
Because a father daughter bond is just as important as a mother daughter one.

My own words are used against me.
Staked up face front looking at me,
Backing me up into corners.
The cold wall enveloping my fragile mind and body into a hug.
Strangling me,
Constricting me of air,

As a poet my own words are against me.

Who the **** is with me.

I want to watch movies with someone
Have some cheesy popcorn to accompany my cheese
Lose track of time as the sun comes up
The rays illuminating their beauty

I want to chill with someone
Both of us doing our own thing
Distracting each other at points
Making memories as we go along

I want to have a food fight with someone
Maybe I’d be the one starting it
Maybe I’d be the one running away
Ending it with sweet kisses

I want to talk to someone
Exchange deep secrets, or just funny moments
Each word bringing us closer
Each memory melting into another

One day, there will be a someone
Someone who will complete this list with me
Till then, I’ll be patient
Till then, I’ll be waiting