i've tried far too many times to **** myself without success.
there must be a reason i'm still here, right?
or maybe no reason at all besides the fact that i'm just
incredibly terrible at killing myself.

last weekend I was getting better
and then I got worse
and this weekend?
well,
what's the point of going
up
when you can so easily keep
going
down.

how easy it is
to fall into old habits
and to let go of the
new ones you had
fought so hard
for.

I was high for so long
that it was only a matter of time before
I came crashing
                            d
                              o
  ­                              w
                                 ­  n
                                      .

i'll never change, will i?

you probably thought i was dumb for looking at you like that,
but i couldn't even help it.

i can't help it.
and that's what scares me the most.

and in the little time i have,
i write and write and write
and i fill up these notebooks with
apologies and old love letters
and mistakes and regrets and
wishes for the past,
the present, and
the future.

i should probably stop wasting that
little bit of time, i suppose.

There was a man who constantly harassed and insulted the Buddha, throwing all sorts of verbal abuse at him. But the Buddha never seemed fazed by this. When someone asked why he didn’t take offense, he simply replied, *"If someone gives you a gift and you refuse to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?""

“Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to discover your mistakes.”

im in a whirlpool of emotions
and i'm not sure whether i should
fight against this current or
if i should just let myself
go.

and all the times I've wanted to truly apologize seem to escape me.
this new year consists of one true apology told to someone who
deserved nothing less
and everything inside of me just wants to say it again
and again
and again--

every part of my body begs me not to care,
but my head just can't stop spinning and spinning and spinning and--

poor boy...*
can't seem to get his
wants and needs
s
   t
r
   a
i
        g
  h
t
.

he says he needs me,
but we both know that
I'm just a "want"
and nothing
more.

there are parts of you left growing around me. in this sea of green and blue, I add salt in places so you cannot grow there anymore. I'm tired of seeing weeds in places sunflowers used to grow and where roses used to overflow, but all that's left are thorns and dead flowers that wish for someone else to water them. I can't water you anymore... you were never mine to take care of or to help grow. you're a lovely flower and all you deserve is the purest water in the world to help you to grow, and I just could never be the one to give it to you. my water is too toxic, too deadly, and too deficient of all the vitamins and the nutrients that you need to help you to flourish. and for that, I'm sorry. I know that I flooded you with my toxic water and I let myself choke you with my wrongdoings and my ignorance, and I know I can't make up for it, but you're a flower and you need to grow and I know, we all know, that in order for a flower to grow, it has to be nourished in the right manner. I wish I wouldn't have overwatered you with my toxic water, little flower, but it's time to go grow somewhere new. because my garden needs to be renewed and there's just simply nothing more that I can do for you.
*(it'll just hurt more if you stay in places where you're not meant to flourish anymore)

the feeling of an IV going into your vein is
quite extraordinary, you know.
they said i asked so many questions before i went under.
it's a nervous tick, something i use to distract myself.
i asked what that number meant,
what that needle contained,
what's the name of my anesthetic,
and so on.
up until i fell into my slumber,
i asked so many questions.

as the nice lady said,
"get ready, you'll really feel this one."
i smiled and said,
"finally, it's about time."
and all i remember is the colors of the painting
on the wall in front of me
mixing together till
everything went
black.

every time i see you, i feel as if i can take on the whole world.
you make my insides burst with the flitters of butterflies
and you make my smile touch the edge of space and
my laugh bubbles in the entirety of the air
surrounding us.

because of you, i feel hope rise in my chest.
you're like a whole new universe that i get to explore.
my fingertips caress the blackholes and supernovas you possess
and your eyes are a new experience in themselves,
like wormholes ready to take you to a far-away galaxy
every single time you look into them.

your hands are foreigners to my body.
they know not were to start or to end,
but they still are.
they know what to do as if they were programmed to
feel the vibrations on the soft skin of my back and
the tenderness i have everywhere around.

you could give me a million new words
and i'd spend countless hours trying to decipher them
with this newfound knowledge that you have given me.
how much do you know in that beautiful mind of yours?
how many brain cells do you possess,
you beautiful, intangible being?

your words keep me strong,
they keep me alive.
my heart beats stronger because of you, too.
every single fiber of my being feels stronger and healthier
and more in love with every cell that i possess.
because of you, i feel more alive than i ever have.

your touch is still so soft even with your resilient hands.
your eyes are like the eighth wonder of the world.
they soften my heart with the dips i take into their deep blue
oceans and the sea-foam green splashing inside of them.
and your lips could speak a thousand incoherent words and
i'd still smile because they were coming from your beautiful mouth.

because of you, i am falling in love with myself.
i'm not sure that i've ever done that before.
but i know this feeling inside of my chest and
while i am infatuated with you,
i am falling in love with me.
and that's more than i could ever hope for.

so thank you, my dear, for being this unknown universe that i
get to explore and for being someone who can help me
fall in love with myself.

i'd give my heart to you if i could, but you deserve a heart that's warm to the touch and still beating on the inside.

*(these walls are frozen and i can't allow you to be turned cold like i am)

i am mountains and valleys of mistakes and wrongdoings,
but i am here on my knees Lord---
i am ready for You.

baby, i know what i am and the life i live:
i sin and i sin and i sin and i sin.
don't act like we all don't know.
but there is a difference between
the sinner who works to change
and the sinner who just keeps
on sinning.

i heard you died last night.
it was an overdose they said.
maybe crack?
maybe ******?
who knows...
you used so much.
you'll never know him.
she was upset,
but then she was slightly happy.
but now she's just worried.
he'll never know you.
he might blame them for
never meeting you.
maybe he won't even care.
but you ****** it all up.
too ******* self-absorbed in yourself
and your need for speed.
so honestly,
here are my condolences.
but all in all,
i'm glad that you never had
the chance to be a father.
you didn't deserve it
anyways.

I am a divine creation, a piece of God. How could I ever be undeserving?