You pulled me so close; how did you expect me to breathe?

i can still smell your cologne and taste the sweat on your lips from that day in the sun with the wind pushing us together; so close we were once upon a time, i wonder if i was supposed to learn from your lies or if i'll keep on smelling your scent everywhere i go.

i used to think that you were a gift from God.
after all, you came around after i was saved.
i used to use you in my testimony, too.
i never believed them when they said the Devil was testing me.
i had given in quite a few times to him.
but i never, not even for a second, believed that you were
anything but God-given.

what are you now?
a story i'll tell my children when they ask about
the many photos i have of us?
a tall-tale about love that i ruined with my
blackened heart and tarnished promises?
a lost girl with eyes of gold?
advice i'll give to those whom ask about our time together in relation
to their own problems?

my promise still stands.
i won't **** myself.
i have tried enough times to now that
i can't even do that much right.
but i was never going to **** myself over your words
or your actions.
i wanted to die because of myself
and the choices I've made in my own life that
have nothing to do with you.
I've made more mistakes than you could ever know,
leigh.
ones that nobody know about.

i think what is important is the betterment of myself
and of all.
and i don't believe that my death with help.
maybe you do,
but i do not.
i believe my life is worth a lot more than that,
for my God tells me so.

you can try to choke me with your words
and you can wish death upon me
and even declare that meeting me was the
most unluckiest thing that has ever happened in your life.
but just know that all I've ever wanted for you was the best.
and that means that the chapter of you in my life is now over,
because what is best for you is not me.
we should've known that a long time ago.
maybe we did,
but we just didn't want to say it out loud.

so have the best.
live a happy life.
be the best you can be.
smile, laugh, and learn from the unlucky chapter in your life that was
me.

that's all i can say.
i still believe that you were God-given,
you know.
like i said, i never once believed that you weren't.
so take your God-given gifts and love with all of your might.

you've taught me so much,
and i'll forever be grateful for the time you were in my life.
even though you don't feel the same about me.

the new year has already begun for me.
*what have you done to start helping yourself?

"well...here's the reason you have your headaches!"
you said my C1 is outta place...way outta place.
one of my ribs is kind of outta place, too.
and a few more of my vertebrae as well.
"did you take a lot of painkillers to rid yourself of the pain?
your stomach lining is practically gone!"
yes...much more than i should have.
that's why i'm on the medicine to help rebuild it, you know.
"describe your pain on a scale of one to ten, please."
it's a nine...
"a nine? in your condition, i'd expect a 10, if not more.
you need to start treatments right away if you want
this to go away."
honestly? i've felt much worse.

you kissed her with your eyes opened,
so what did you expect?
did you expect her to stay and to
keep on taking that?
did you expect her to stay and to
want more of your
half-assed kisses?
did you really expect her to stay and to
come back every time you didn't give her
the time of day?

if you answered "yes" to any if this,
then you're just the ****** that everyone
but her saw.

you said some days it'd hurt more than others and I guess that makes sense because looking into your eyes burned a hole in whatever is left of my heart.

And I wonder if it's all worth it.
Honestly, I really do.
But then I think about the times I would have missed
if the pills would've worked.
I think about the hands that I wouldn't have
been able to hold today.
How grateful am I to call them my friends?
Even through the slicing words and the
burning eyes,
I am still happy to be alive to know that
they are here.
I also think about the realizations I wouldn't have had.
My ego, which is something I've honestly never noticed before,
has gotten the best of me.
My pride is all but too strong.
But if who I am is nothing but of myself,
then I am nothing.
I think about your eyes and
how I wouldn't get to look into them once in awhile
like I do now.
I may not get the up close view of them,
but hey, at least I'm still able to see.
And I even think about my heart.
My heart has hardened a lot more in its attempts to
protect itself from everything going on.
That's probably the worst thing that you can do.
It makes you lazy, it makes you not care, and it even makes you
forget how to love.

God,
Help. Help us, help me, help everyone who has hardened their hearts and have forgotten how to love freely. I am learning to show the joy you have put into my heart that has been pouring out of me as of late.
I don't know what your plan is and I do not know what you want me to do in the situations that I am in now, but I know that with You, I can do everything and anything that You put into my heart.
As long as it is not hardened, I can give and accept the love that you have poured out into me. Thank you for the life you have given me, I will keep trying, I promise.
Amen

I forgot what it was like to make you laugh until today when you reminded me that something so heavenly really does exist here on Earth.

"You're not going to change, huh?"
"You said a few months ago that people are born this way...why would it change when it comes to me?"
"I guess I didn't see this coming."
*"I've told you enough times, but you never listened."

"It's kinda scary...you're like a pro at this. Do you not mind blood? A lot of it is coming out..."
"No, I don't mind it at all. It's kind of relaxing, if I'm being honest here."
"Sure hope you're not one of those that think that horizontal is for attention and vertical is for results."
*"Used to."

it wouldn't matter, no, not much at all.
because, my dear, everything takes time to grow.

I was falling, but I was stopped right in my tracks.
Guess it's better than falling and not being able to go back.

and i forget about the world around me when I'm with you.
you make me feel a little less blue.

“Nothing, Everything, Anything, Something: If you have nothing, then you have everything, because you have the freedom to do anything, without the fear of losing something.”

It's funny how they all say they hate you behind your back, and the next thing you know, they want to be your friend.
It's hilarious, isn't it?

“Hate hurts the hater more'n the hated.”

“Now there is a final reason I think that Jesus says, "Love your enemies." It is this: that love has within it a redemptive power. And there is a power there that eventually transforms individuals. Just keep being friendly to that person. Just keep loving them, and they can’t stand it too long. Oh, they react in many ways in the beginning. They react with guilt feelings, and sometimes they’ll hate you a little more at that transition period, but just keep loving them. And by the power of your love they will break down under the load. That’s love, you see. It is redemptive, and this is why Jesus says love. There’s something about love that builds up and is creative. There is something about hate that tears down and is destructive. So love your enemies."

“I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.”

"Am I the kind of guy you could see yourself having a relationship with?"
I thought for a moment.
I took a deep breath and said the truth.
After all, the truth is all I have now.
"Right now? No. I mean, awhile ago you were the most beautiful boy I'd ever come across. But right now, I can't afford to be in a relationship. At least not yet. Maybe one day I'll be able to see us together like I was able to for so long, but as for right now, I can't even see tomorrow. I hope you can understand that."
"I do. And I just hope you understand that no matter what you say, you cannot scare me away. I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to."*
Oh, my dear, I've been told that far too many times to know that it's not true.

he said i was beautiful,
but we all know that beauty doesn't save the ******.

i can't get hungover,
yet somehow i know the feeling.
i know the feeling because you were like
alcohol to me.
i am fatigued and weak,
when just before you came around i was
becoming strong again.
i became thirsty and
i really believed that you were
the cure.
in reality, i needed more water...
not more of you.
my decreased need of sleep makes sense.
after all, how can i sleep with the
pains that you bring me
constantly?
concentrating is so difficult,
whether its on a movie I'm watching or
even my school work.
everything has become a chore,
and the sunlight burns and i can't seem to
keep myself focused for more than a few seconds before
i go back to nowhere land.

even though I've never been hungover,
i know that i am with you.
hungover on the thought and the wishes that you
would become something more than a poison to
me.

It feels like it's been seven years.
almost like my body has been replaced
I'm still in the same body though
just with a different face
full of different cells
and my blood?
that's different, too.
It's no wonder that my dreams are so different.
that my wants and needs are so...
well... let's just call them
not like me.
and that's okay.
maybe to some it isn't.
but to me?
well, I guess they'll just have to
suffice for
now.

it's weird...being grateful, even for those who have hurt you.
being grateful for those who you love now is beautiful.
being grateful in general because you are alive.
it's weird to me.
but it's the most powerful emotion we have.
and I am absolutely full of gratitude today.
thank you God for
everything.

you know the only thing worse than hate?
indifference.

there's a lot of things that don't seem to make sense to me. but you?
*you make so much sense to me that I can't even see how it'd be wrong.

I'm afraid that I've been gone for a long time.

so limp,
so frail.
so dead.

inject potassium chloride
into me next.
please.

maybe that'll finally stop
my already dead
heart.

you died in my arms today.
i didn't know true emptiness till
now.

every time I shower, they watch me.
they watch me as I scrub away my mistakes
and whatever I did the night before
also, the marks
and the bruises
and maybe even, no, defintley, the blood that
trails down my body.
they smirk and laugh
as I attempt to cry.
but they know that there are no tears left
inside of my lifeless body anymore.
they speak soothing letters.
almost like soft purrs of k's, i's, l's, m's, and b's.
weird combination,
I know.
but that's what they say.
they spit their foul letters at me as they spell out
words across my naked body,
saying the same **** things
over and over and over and over
again.
they know me like I know the numbers now.
they watch the trail of blood and
they kindly accept the inevitable:
I will probably die in front of them one day.
the same place that has become my hope,
my love, my fear, my ecstasy.
the faces mock me.
but the thing is,
they don't even know that they're the ones who are
stuck in the marble, not me.
I can get out at any time.
I can walk out,
dry off,
and fall into a bright day
and a quiet night.
they can't walk away.
they can't hide.
they can't change.
but me?
well...I'd say I'm ever-growing, ever-changing,
into the one I'm supposed to be.
the one I'm meant to be.
the faces can smirk and laugh all they want,
but I'm not the one who is stuck anymore.

she said I'm this way due to a bloodline curse.
that it's already been broken, but
because i've apparently "decided" to live this way
I will continue to suffer for my
"lifestyle".

Yeah, trust me, I've been wondering that as well.
Not only me, but my family as well.
And my friends.
And everyone else, too.
You're not the only one who doesn't understand why.