How are writers born? What do they suffer? Do writers have to be famous? Are writers so used by readers and the characters and the stories? Does every writer end up all right?


1
"Sammy baby
You’ve got all these voices
in your head, baby"

"Is that a bad thing, mom?
Is that gonna hurt me, mom?"

2
"No, Sammy baby, cause
You’re a writer baby
You’ve got all these voices in your head
You’re a star baby
and all these people want your hands
They’re screaming to come out
They’re saying:
'Let us out'
cause you’re a writer baby"


2
"They talk to me, mom
They say: 'Please, Sammy –
give us a name;
tell our story'"

“Cause you’re a writer, baby Sammy
and  it doesn’t matter
if you live unknown
and be famous after you die
But you’re a writer
and you do what you must do
Give voice to these people
and all their lives
You may become awkward socially
and grow old to be a recluse
but with ‘em people in your head
and as a writer, you’ll be perfect
My Sammy, baby
cause you’re a writer, baby
I carried you to be a writer
You’re born to be a writer
Sammy baby, Sammy baby"


But sometimes it gets so lonely, mom…they only want to talk when they want; then they leave me alone, unwanted…used…and you’ve left me too, mom…you’re nowhere in the rooms or anywhere…

City Slicker was lost in the bush -
two days without food
and no water
(battery in his smartphone died
so he couldn't google how to survive)
and then he stumbled into a farm
and he found a nice big cow
and he started drinking its milk straight off

But naive City Slicker, he died
How?
*The cow sat down

1
don't you young
become poets
it may sound romantic and cool
but that's what it is - it sounds
Yeah, it's all about how it sounds

Mom was right:
Better be a dentist -
for though you stare all day into mouths
you'll be agape when you look at your bank accounts
Dad was right:
Better be a surgeon-specialist -
for though you fix areseholes all life-through
your bank account is never a dark hole

And poetry, remember,
they must have told you, doesn't sell;
the Humanities are not for humans;
Writing is for those who can't talk their way up -
so don't aspire to be a poet
dear young ones
for you'll suffer all life
of scarcity of means,
plenty of sneers and want

2
And your husbands will tell you:
I married you cause being a poet
I thought you could moan and oooh and aaah
and make better love than that!
And your wives will scowl:
**** your poetry!
Get me real diamonds and money!

3
So dear young ones
perhaps you want to give up your verse
and turn to medicine or finance
or engineering
and study for dollars instead

*a return on investment
is what you want

I think
therefore
I am single

well, Eve was sitting calmly
eating a few leaves off a basket
(spinach, for example, has plenty of iron)
and Adam was alarmed
(Oh, he absolutely adored her!)
and he exclaimed:
*"Eve - you think that's the salad I
promised to make you, don't you?
That's my ***** laundry!"

last year
when Jane was just 4
I took her out to the shops
and we sat in the meals area -
me with my coffee, and Jane with her lolly -
and this sweet, genial old lady
stooped down and spoke with Jane:
"My, what a beautiful girl you are
How old are you, sweetheart?"

and Jane showed her four fingers;
the old lady collapsed, and died of shock

one year on
and Jane will still not tell
how she got the *four fingers

For one poem I shared here at HP
I got 55 views of which 5 were hearts -
hey, what happened to the 50?
OK, I don't expect all readers
to like the poems I post
so maybe HP -
to give readers a choice -
could introduce other buttons like:

DISLIKE
HATE
DESPISE
F _ _ _
YOU CALL THIS POETRY?
WENT TO SLEEP HALFWAY
DESPICABLE
DID NOT READ BUT I CLICKED LIKE
WORTHY OF BEING PLAGIARIZED


and so  then I might get a better view
of each of my poems, for example:

55 views

5 LIKE
20 F _ _ _
10 DESPICABLE
6 YOU CALL THIS POETRY?
10 DID NOT READ
BUT I CLICKED LIKE
4 WENT TO SLEEP HALFWAY
0 WORTHY OF BEING PLAGIARIZED

the goldfish
was in a fish tank
and it turned to the other fish
and the goldfish said:
*"Hey, do you know how
to drive this ****** thing?"

The photojournalist came back after camping
alone out there in the woods
taking pictures with her camera;
loved the nature, the trees
the lakes, and stillness of the nights;
freezing outside
but surprisingly warm in her sleep
in her tough-zipped tent

she collected the photographs
two days after;
*and there were pictures of her
sleeping various nights in her tent
with extra limbs sprawled over her

1
Why is 6 wary of 7?
Because 7 is a 6 offender



2
How do you keep
an idiot in suspense?

genetic research moves
in twists and turns
and the latest news is:
DR DYNAMIC BOLD FINDS
GENE FOR SHYNESS

"With this latest discovery,"
Dr Bold announced
"we can eliminate shyness"

"Why has it taken Science,"
our team asked Dr Bold
"so long to discover this gene for shyness?"

"We would have found it earlier,"
said Dr Bold
*"but it was hiding behind three other genes"

the asteroid came
unexpected unheralded unprophesied -
it didn't think, it didn't have theology

it put a hole through the earth
it implied: "I'm in a hurry;
not going anywhere in particular though
and all of you making all those plans
you got all those birthdays
and your Grand Days
and New Year's Eve  to celebrate -
you can go, you're just dust"
and it waved goodbye with its tails as it left
*"goodbye, spoilt brats -
you can go, you're each just dust"

1)
I was a blowfly
for weeks
in my previous birth
with metallic olive-green sheen
and wings and all


and my friends and I would fly
into the local bar
every eve
and we'd always be courteous:
"Bzzz....Is that stool taken?"

2)
Now that in this birth I'm human
I think many of us (man or woman)
can learn a thing or two
about manners from my blowfly life:
Always ask before you take a *stool

1
Well, I've dated a few guys, sure -
you know, being Ms Hyphen
I'm sociable, like to bring people together
that sort of thing
So I dated that guy Exclamation Mark
and what the hell, he was shouting all the time!
He's just too excitable, not my type

Sure, Comma was more sedate
but a little too slow for me, you know
So I gave guys like Inverted Commas and Parenthesis
a try - but hell, they were always trying to frame me
So I like said to myself, maybe I'll try someone else
from the Mark family, and woooh! - this guy
was like questioning me all through dinner
and I was like thinking to myself:
What's with this guy? Where does he work?
At the NSA or FBI or what?
I guess you know who I'm talking about

Well, I dated all the other guys too
like Semi-Colon and then Colon
but you know, one liked to separate;
and the other was always out
with his smartphone
listing things I said

2
So I nearly gave up dating when I thought -
Hey what about Dash?
That's a dashing fellow surely
and he seems to be just like me
(except he is - as is apt for a guy - long)
but he was just like Semi-Colon -
always separating people
You got to bring people together
in this world, you know;
that's what this world needs

Yes, I dated Full Stop too
but he was always getting me to stop
and besides, he said his alias was Period -
now that freaked me out, you know
Hey, what kind of guy walks around
with a name like Period?

I'll tell you like who's the worst guy to date, OK -
that's Apostrophe:
O listen darling, was he ever so possessive!

3
Well, I'll give my dating career a break -
maybe come next year,
I might try dating 2nd of February

herein I tell the tale of how "it's" and "its" entered into a suicide pact, and how I counselled them, and saved them from certain death

1
in fair paper and screens  
where our sins mostly lie
there were born two asterik-crossed lovers:
it's and its
and though they did not die
they did marry
and they begot a child
the second it's  -
though it has a life of its own

2
But in the hands of so many
were "it's" and "its" abused,
it was no longer funny
One said: *"The dog missed it's master"
(and people wondered if the dog is the master)
and another advised: "Seize the bull by it's horns"
and while many stood distracted by the meaning
the bull ****** its horns deep into their posteriors

And so were "it's" and "its" driven to woe
that they made a suicide pact
and I was commissioned to counsel them:
"Listen, it's the age of the
you're for your
there for their
(and vice-versa)
and people are no longer who but that;
an age in which people think an apple
is something you poke at"

And thus were it's and its consoled
and in my wisdom of the ages, I continued:
"Besides you've got your baby it's (it has) to think of"

3
And so it is I saved "it's" and the "its"
for our noble English Language,
turned comic what would have been tragic -
but what matters it anyway
when people still mess up the two
just as we mess up the earth
and misuse beliefs and religion

I visited your page
to read your poems
(I thought you'd like to know)
but they were so lost
in a very long list of poems
by so many other poets
and so down and down I went
digging and digging
to find you
in your page
but hey, it was too much bother
(yes, you can take me to task for it)
diving so deep to find you
so I just aborted and clicked away

Don't blame me -  I can only hold my breath
for so long when I go free-diving;
and if I dig too long, I get a bad back

so I brought my writer wife
(prominently pregnant)
to the hospital
and on her bed, she screamed:
"weren't" "hasn't" "couldn't" "shan't"
"aint" "hadn't" "you're" "isn't"
"aren't" "didn't" "wasn't"
"who's?" "what's?" "he's" "she's"

The doctors were confounded
and they turned to me and they said:
"What the hell is she doing?"

And I replied with double speed
and a violent sense of urgency:
*"Don't you know?
She's having contractions -
she's a writer"

"Daddy,"* said Catharine as I tucked her
into bed, "will you tell me a tale?"
So I told her the story
of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
with Disney's ***** and Grumpy  
thrown in for good measure;
and when I finished she pulled out
an apple from under her pillow
and she said I should eat it
I laughed and I did, and spent 7 days in hospital
And my doctor said I was lucky to have survived
the poisoned apple
Catharine won't tell us where she got it from

Today Catharine stands before me
and her stepmom
as we have dinner
And she places two pink cupcakes on the table
and she smiles, and she whispers:
*"Eat...that's from Hansel and Gretel"

I walked in to the University
I said, "Show me the library;
that's what I always want to see"
And they brought me into
The Hemingway Library -
and that had me drooling, that
they'd think of naming the place after
that famous writer, and a favourite

"That's amazing," I told my guide
"that so far away from the USA
you'd think of naming it after Ernest Hemingway"

"Oh no," said the guide, puzzled
"It's named after Andrews Hemingway"

"Is he a writer?" I asked

"Oh, sort of," my guide explained,
*"he wrote us a cheque for 2 million"

"Daddy,"* says my 4-year-old
"There's a monster under my bed"
I laugh and I hum
an extended wooooo sound
and to amuse her, I look under her bed
"Daddy," says my 4-year-old under her bed
*"There's a monster on my bed"

Predictor - services: all types of future events
I have a genius for things that don't happen

I predicted the 1979 economic boom
in the Antarctica - no doubt it didn't happen
I predicted the end of the world
in 1987, and again in 1996
and not to forget 2010
and on various other occasions:
I have a genius for things that don't happen
I foresaw and declared
the skyrocketing rise in US house prices
in 2006 (but the Banks had other plans)

and now, for the record,
I predict with confidence
without batting an eyelid
Obama will be elected again
in 2016 as US President;
and about the same time
they will declare me
the UK's King in waiting

if your life is in a mess
you might want to engage me
to fix it with a prediction or two;
conditions apply,
and fees are upfront
and non-refundable too

Just give me a shout;
*I hear you wherever I am

(Warning: The following poem is a tale of horror)
_______________

1
E­at your food
pleaded the mom

Or else what?
shouted the stubborn child

Please eat your food
entreated the grandma

Or else what?
screamed the ungrateful child

Or else, said the father
the barber will come in when we are out
and he'll snip off your fingers


2
And true enough, one evening
when all the adults were out
a barber appeared before the child
and he said: Eat your food

Or else what? shouted the brat of a child

And when the adults returned that night
they found ten little fingers
all neatly displayed on the dining table

well,  let's stop at this motel
have dinner and a nice shower
go to bed early
and if we leave at about 10
tomorrow morning
drive in the general direction we took today
*we'll arrive nowhere...comfortably in no time

1)
How many writers, asked a friend
(with a cheeky twinkle in his eye)
does it take to change a light bulb?

That's a dim-wit's question, I said
You should ask:
How many times will a writer
change the same light bulb?


2)
My non-writer friend
(his twinkle now dull, then dead)
scratched his head
and to enlighten him I shed some  light
on the subject:
A writer edits and changes
their work many times
to get it perfect;
and so the same thing happens
when you make a writer change the bulb

No, my friend did not appreciate
the illumination

it is written in the Olde Booke of Life
that when the Lion went unto the wild
to have its fill, when first it felt Hunger
the King of Beasts saw two creatures:
a human, under a tree, reading a book;
and a human, under a tree, writing a book
and the Lion ate the reader
for its inner voice told the King of Beasts:
"Eat the reader - for that is digestible;
but partake not of the writer
for it is susceptible to cramps
and worse, may cause a block"

And since then hath the Lion
lived in this wisdom:
*Eat of the reader, never of the writer

Dear Algebra Teacher -
stop asking us to find
your X
We can’t help you
if you mess it up

Next time, treat your partner nice
so you don’t have
to bring your personal problems
to class

So stop asking us to find your X;
we don’t know if you’ll ever find her
and we got a feeling your X
is never coming back
and really -  before you ask -
we don’t know Y either

The family bought the lie-catcher robot
(yep, the lcr HDX134)
and it was the boy
who was caught first
when his dad asked him
where he'd been all day
and he replied:
"I've been at the library all day, dad"
lcr HDX134 slapped the boy

The dad went berserk
and he said to his son:
"When I was your age, Tim -
I never told a lie!"
lcr HDX134 slapped the dad

And the boy's mom said:
"Don't be too harsh on Tim -
he's bound to tell lies;
after all, he's your son"
lcr HDX134  slapped the mom

"Mom, mom,"*  calls Susie
back home after school
in her new spurt of teenage energy
"I've decided:
when I grow up
I'm going to be a pop singer"

"But sweetheart," says mom,
the cool one
classy at all times
*"You know you can't do both"

Hey dad, you got to admit
life's tougher on kids nowadays
and you and mom had it easier
in your time as children

How's that,  son?

Well life makes more demands on today's kids -
you didn't have social media and twitter
and Likes and the need to do one better
and all these demands on time like indie videos
Sure, they might sound trivial -
but hey, surely your parents pooh-poohed
trends in your time

you got to respect your parents -
they gave birth and brought up kids
without Google or Wikipedia
without going on Safari
and without parading your
baby bottom on social media

and you, in your time,
you run to web-search
every time you get a pimple

then I tried the stage
me an actor, the thespian  
(Shakespearean, Greek tragedian
you know)
"Man and the arms I sing" - like that -
and so the director told me
I'd come on stage left,
a dramatic moment
amidst full sound effects
(and full house, of course)
and I would proclaim:
"O ye Gods, and O ye elements
and O ye thunder - rage on, rage on
for I fear not"

and I so galloped on stage
amidst full sound effects
(and full house, of course)
but I was confused by the sudden
and raging thunder above my head
and I proclaimed instead:
"What the **** was that?"


*And so ended my stage career
as it began
with a bang

1)
I have long wondered
of the tri- in trickery
(those of you privy
to the arcane secrets of etymology
will know
tri- is three, as in trinity
and triple and trivium)
and so I have many aeons meditated
on the 3 in trickery

2)
and recently
on a trip (what’s the 3 in trip?)
to the University
of Matters Ancient and Abstruse
I uncovered this manuscript
that reveals all the 3 in Trickery:

“It behooves him who will master Trickery
to attach himself to a Teacher
so he may be Trained
(which is the first of the 3)

And so he may be Trimmed in thought
to focus on the act entirely
(thus the second of the 3)

And last comes the Treat
wherein the thief Treats himself
to the victim’s property;
and thus in these 3 stages
do the cunning ever shift
into their own pockets
that which belongs to the unwary”

3)
And thus, dear readers, was the mystery
of the 3 in trickery
resolved for me
as I hope it is for you;
but you might now want to see
if the money is still in your digital wallet
for - keeping you distracted,
and unknown to you  -
I have just practiced all 3 in Trickery

well, my friend got a role
in a movie  (it should have been me -
but that's another story)
and, all proud and puffed up,  he told his dad:
"Dad, I got a role
in a movie: I play a man
who's been married 25 years"

And his dad told him
right up to his face:
*"Keep at it, son -
you might end up
with a speaking role some day"

always wanted a part
in a film
so I asked a director if he'd give me a break
and the director told me: "Break a leg"
and I thought he'd meant me to get
experience for a disaster movie
(sort of Stanislavsky's method acting)
so I did

but I never got a part;
the director just laughed and waved me away -
but at least I was in the cast for weeks

there’s a rat and there’s a cat
both sitting on the fence
(literally on the fence -
cats and rats don't take up positions on issues)

and a boy happens to pass by;
the rat turns to the cat
but says nothing cause rats don’t talk;
the cat turns to the rat
and eats the rat
cause it’s in its nature to do so

the boy walks past
with no idea what’s happening
cause he’s human
(though they talk and eat a lot,
humans have no idea what’s happening)

so there is this queue, see
and the man in the suit feels
someone behind
kneading his shoulders, back and neck
and he turns around
and asks the man behind:
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

and the man behind replies:
"I'm a chiropractor,  see
and I'm trying to keep in practice while waiting"

and the man in the suit says:
*"Well, I happen to  be a lawyer -
and you don't see me ******* the man
in front of me, do you?"

the visiting speaker is at the end
of a brave, unconventional lesson
on self-esteem and confidence
"Does anyone in this class think
he or she is stupid?
Stand up anyone
who thinks he or she is stupid"

the seconds tick away;
there is no response
and then little Tommy stands up
and the guest speaker says:
"Do you stand up because
you think you are stupid,  Tommy? "

"No, sir," replies Tommy
*"I just feel sorry to see
you standing alone"

My husband
is a bozo
He always blows it

Just last night,
we got into a taxi
and he went back to the house
to let the cat out
and while waiting
I told the taxi driver
who asked what was happening:
“Oh, he’s gone in
to say good night to my mom”
(sure I lied, there was no one in –
but I  didn’t want the taxi driver to know that)

And soon my husband got back into the taxi
loud and boisterous and cursing as usual:
“Oh, sorry I took so long…****! That
stupid thing was hiding under the bed
and I had to push her with that broomstick
and then I used the bamboo pole
to get it out of hiding!
I was gentle and careful, of course.
She can sometimes be a *****!”

The Elders Warn Skinny Vinny
Skinny Viiny, eat your meals -
no spitting and no sputtering;
just chew and swallow
everything mom feeds you
Think of the millions in Third World Countries
who daily and nightly can't afford food

Skinny Vinny, eat your food
or when you're asleep alone at night
the cockroaches will gather in your room
and they will nibble and nibble
and nibble
at your arms and your legs
and they will nibble and nibble
all night and all moonlight
and they will nibble away
all your fingers and toes
So if you don't want that to happen,
Skinny Vinny, eat all your meals
all that mom feeds you


But Skinny Vinny Ignores Her Elders
Now, one night, Skinny Vinny saw
that all the cockroaches
did come  (only in her dream, though)
and in that dream the cockroaches ate away
exactly as her parents had prophesied -
nibble, nibble, nibble, nibble
at her fingers and at her toes  -
and Skinny Vinny was exactly bereft
of all her yummy fingers
and all her smelly toes



Skinny Vinny Learns Her Lesson
And by this dream
Skinny Vinny had the **** beaten out of her
so much by fear
that from then on she ate all; she ate all at hand
she ate all she was fed and all at the table
and she demanded more by platefuls and bucketfuls
and she ate by trolley-fulls and delivery-truck-fulls
and her parents had to bring in
containers shipped in from China daily
all by Double Happiness exclusive deals

And Skinny Vinny ate and ate
and no food went to waste;
and her parents spent all their inherited fortunes
and they worked and worked day and night
even at the time when cockroaches fly
so they could feed Skinny Vinny
who ate all far and nigh -
and when last I checked the Daily Mule
( whose publication motto is:
We swear to carry nothing but unprocessed truth)
the parents are still working in the mines
in order to feed Skinny Vinny
who once would eat nothing



All parents learn your lesson*
And so be warned all ye parents
that threaten harm to your children
because they will not eat -
the very threats will be laid on your heads
and you will be digging in coal mines
to feed your kids

never teach English -
you’ll always end up gibberish*

1
the student wrote:
“Its find to one two tock to strainers
four eat wheel improof you’re languish”
but the teacher of English
patiently attempted to teach
the proper way it is written:
“It’s fine to want to talk to strangers
for it will improve your language”

but the student insisted:
“Its find to one two tock to strainers
four eat wheel improof you’re languish”
and the teacher persisted:
“It's fine to want to talk to strangers
for it will improve your language”


2
for months the teacher persisted
in spite of her trauma
(maybe it was her karma) -
and at last after six months
the student learned to write:
“It’s fine to want to talk to strangers
for it will improve your language”

So the teacher of English *succeeded

but now for years it is the teacher who writes:
*“Its find to one two tock to strainers
four eat wheel improof you’re languish”

Little Sally stood on a chair
and watched mom
wash the dishes
“Mom,” said little Sally
“Why do you have white hair?”

“Oh,” replied Mom, unthinking
“Every time you cause me trouble
a hair turns white”

And Sally replied, unthinking:
*“You must have caused grandma
a lot of trouble
All her hair is white”

1
when I was at university
I did some babysitting:
Send the kids to bed
after meals
Never smile at them
and be very strict –
you know the trick
Instill fear in them
They’ll just stay quiet
in their rooms
while you watch TV
till the parents return

2
So there I was in the living room
and the kids in their room upstairs -
except for one brat
looking down and creeping down the stairs
And I’d say: “Back to the room!”
and he’d crawl back
Three times he did that, that brat


3
Then there was a
knock at the door
It was the neighbour, it seems -
a Mrs Lim; she wanted to know
if her kid Sam was in the house
“No,” I said
but the brat from the stairs behind me shouted:
*“I’m here mum –
but he won’t let me out!”

Sandy at school

Sandy tells Ms Mirsha
all about the new baby
her mom says is coming home;
every other day Sandy talks
about the baby to Ms Mirsha -
maybe it’ll be a boy
maybe a girl, a brother or sister


Sandy at home

one day mom takes Sandy’s right hand
and places it on her tummy
and Sandy feels the baby kick


Sandy at school*

Sandy does not tell Ms Mirsha
about the baby no more;
two weeks on
and then Ms Mirsha asks Sandy:
“Sandy, how’s that baby you said
that’s coming home?”*


and Sandy bursts into tears
and she says: *“Oh, Ms Mirsha –
I think mom ate it!”

look  - John and Mina are talking
in the corner in the class;
they too have their worries
even though they're just kids

"My dad works all night
at the petrol station
and in the office in the morning;
and my mom at her office in the afternoon
and she cooks and cleans
and washes all morning -
all this, as they tell me,
so I never have to worry
and I can have a good house
and food and the big car
But I still worry"

"What's there to worry?
For you, life's made easy," says the wise Mina

"Yeah," answers the worrier John -
*"but what happens if they decide to run away?"

Puritan James is about
to teach his growing-up son
a thing or two
about the evils of alcohol and drink

He places a glass of water
and a glass of whiskey side by side
on the dining table and he declares:
"Now watch, Mike,
what happens to the worms
I will put in the glass of water
and in the glass of whiskey;
and tell me what you learn"

And Mike watches the worms
curl up and die in the whiskey
and Mike formalises his wisdom:
*"Dad - I learn that if I drink whiskey
I will never have worms!"

1
Grisham John
my artist friend
is a sensitive chap
so a year after my wife dies
he gets me a date

2
Turns out at the restaurant
the woman walks up to me
like she were a floating jelly -
her left eye flying, her right eye sinking
her arms wild like horses
and her nose tripled;
each finger like a bullet
and she looks in all directions all at once

3
I call Grisham John on his cellphone
and I roar:
You paired me up with a hideous woman!

Relax! he intones
*You either hate 'em or love 'em -
that's how it is with a Picasso

Back in the days when
my friend Grisham John
started as a teenage artist,  he was poor
and had but onions and yogurt for meals;
and once he stole some paint
from the local corner shop

"Aha, caught you red-handed,"
said the cliche-infested store-owner
"Give me a reason
why I should not call the police"

"Well," said John Grisham
****-sure of his talent
"I can immortalize you as 'Scrooge in Red'
or 'Generosity in Psychedelic'
You choose..."

----------------------------------------------------­-----
so when Grisham John comes to
your town,  look out for,
amongst his exhibits:
*"Generosity in Psychedelic
with inset of Scrooge in Red"

My artist friend
Grisham John
(you'll hear more of him
and see his works soon enough)
has been working on nudes
(I mean artistically,  of course);
and with his co-operative models
he's produced a series of fine nudes
(please, keep a literal mind as you read me)

just the other day
Grisham John decided to have a break
so he told the day's model to dress
and would she make some tea and just talk
he needed to just relax
and they sat in the studio just chatting
but suddenly he heard his wife return
from the shops
and he speed-muttered to his model:
"Quick! Undress before my wife sees us!"

*You know,  artists do see things differently

I caught the art thief -
he was a mastermind really
for he got such precious paintings
out of the Louvre easily
The amazing thing was
I caught him just minutes
from the museum;
his Econoline van
- would you believe it? –  ran out of fuel

Sure I asked him how
he could make such a mistake
steal so much treasure
and run out of gas just meters away

And he sighed with a Picasso face:
*"Oh ****, Monsieur!
I’d no Monet
to buy Degas to make
the Van Gogh…”

Mr and Mrs Proper Smith
are at the gallery
and the next work in line
that confronts them
is a **** woman with green leaves
to conceal her privates

Mrs Smith moves away
with quiet and dignity
but Mr Smith lingers, eyes on the leaves
Mrs Smith clears her throat
and enquires politely:
What are you waiting for, dear?

And comes swiftly
the reply, equally polite:
*Autumn