They say things will get easier
as the years go by,
so I wait to see the difference
but then I question, "why?"

Sometimes I feel like I'm ok
and accept that you're gone,
yet there are other times
it's so very hard to carry on

November brings this emptiness
at the end of every day,
the daylight brings me comfort
but at night, a hole, is where I lay

My mind is still reminded
of the games that we would play,
the trouble we'd get into
and all the lies we'd have to say

We knew we had a bond
that would always be just ours,
and as the years past along
we shared so many scars

I felt the burden of your pain
and of the damage you would do,
every time your heart would bleed
mine would pour out too

They say to just be THANKFUL
for the years I had with you,
to share in all the holidays
but now they'll always be too few

As November's door closes
and the calendar moves along,
December rears its ugly head
and you're heard in every song

Here comes Santa Claus
ringing through my ears,
Silent Night is only heard
through my falling tears

No one will ever understand
how we'd scour through the house,
hoping to find some presents
you'd say, "be quiet as a mouse"

They say it will get better
sadness will turn to cheer,
memories should be precious
but its so hard this time of year

As Christmas comes upon on us
I force myself from my bed,
to decorate the tree and shop
when I'd rather sleep instead

The empty seat at the table
hits me every time,
a symbolic rememberance
as the clock begins to chime

The conversation's always lacking
without your voice amongst the noise,
then my mind flashes back
to former Christmas mornings and all the toys

Things changed as we got older
but laughter still filled the room,
now opening the presents
just fills my heart with doom

As the day comes to an end
I sigh and breath relief,
only a few more days
and the month will be complete

In those final days
a weight's placed on my chest,
our last conversation was so heavy
my mind runs without a rest

It's as if I see myself
from some other point of view,
answering the phone
to hysteria about you

Her voice was full of fear
but I still hear my mother say,
"your brother, he's gone"
I knew the Lord took him away

The 30th will mark five years
I've survived without you,
but anyone who says "it gets easier"
just doesn't have a clue

I know it might sound crazy
even I don't understand,
why sometimes I'm still a little girl
in need of my *big brother's hand

I always liked when it snowed
Because no matter how cold it was outside
I'd always have somewhere and someone
to keep me warm
And no matter how little I had
I'd always have something to give
And I'd wear a bow
Because the gift of family was enough
Why isn't it always like this

I stare into your eyes
defiant
Who are you to question me?
I who stands curagous and brave.
Strong and willing.
Greatfull and compassionate.
I have won

Armies of jealousy and propaganda
Holding no power.
They tumble and scrape.
A fit for escape.

Eyes open for the first time
*They are alone

do not date a girl
who writes.
she will internalize
everything,
carve poems
into your eyelashes
instead of
kissing them,

she will analyze you,
calculate age
from the rings
your coffee cup
leaves
instead of refilling it.

she will memorize
the way your
lips curl around steam,
but not that you
take it
two sugars,
no cream.

she will read your
palm instead of
holding it
against her chest.

she will not
blink
when you leave,
because she is
already
romanticizing it.