i’m currently writing this on tear stained paper
right next to my journal entries from a year ago.
first off i just want to say,
promises don’t last.

there’s something about being so close to the edge but knowing you’re not going to fall.

looking at my feet dangling off the end of a cliff..
i love it.

it’s so on edge
but also so secure
because unless an accident happened..
you’re not going to randomly just fall over.
you’ve sat your whole life since you were a baby.
you’re not going to randomly tip over

for example when you sit in a chair..
you trust yourself enough to eat at a table with confidence that you’re not going to just fall off of your chair..

yet we are so frightened by the idea of an edge
of pain
of the end
the end of what..us? you..? me..?
there is no end according to my town growing up, you live forever.
because of God..? right..?
we go on into heaven.
so even when we push the edge.. they shouldn’t fear right??
because they live on.??
lol where is God when you die?
idk

and i don’t think i want to know
because even though we truly have nothing to fear except the unknown

none of us trust ourselves enough
or dare ourselves to push the edge
to get that slight rush followed by the relief of:
“hmm that’s not so bad”

it’s so peaceful.

idk sometimes i feel like i’m just idling on the edge of a cliff and i just want to ******* gas it

he promised me in thirty years we’d be sitting on this rock and thinking about how amazing life is
ha and guess what?

he lied
life is ******.

kinda wanna die right now

“I remember her saying
that she was really tired..
I asked her if I could do anything
she nodded her head no with a slight smile and said:
no I’m okay :)
——
then I gave
her a hug goodbye
but I guess it really was
bye that time

because the next time I saw her
she was in a casket..”

FEB 2020
sometimes i think about all of the things that have happened and honestly
it shouldn’t have happened this way
this ******* up ****** up way

i wasn’t supposed to be cheated on by guys i trusted
i wasnt supposed to get divorced at 21
i wasn’t supposed to try to die 18
i wasn’t supposed to give up on myself at 16

but hey,
it happened.
and life seems to just happen
right now everything is flying by.
i seriously don’t know how or why i ended up here, i’m grateful for it
but it’s insane
how has it been so long.

it’s kind of sad how temporary the term “always” has become.

“i will always love you”
“i will always be true to myself”
“i will always care”

etc..

“always” tends to end.
like when he looked at me
and said “i will always be good to you”

lol
he wasn’t.

i have trust issues.
and maybe it’s because of the words like “always” and “never” that always end up fading.

or maybe it’s because i believed in
fairytales too much?
i just wanted a good thing.
but i was so naive, good things don’t last.

there is a reason it’s called a “storybook/fairytale”

because those aren’t real, it’s just a tale.

and i’m sorry but that never will be real life
but while things are good we can savor it
enjoy the good, while you’re in it.

i’m tired and i don’t want to break anymore.

i can’t stop thinking about this//
so i was getting ready to do
a performance today,
and i overheard a mom
doing her 6-ish year old daughters
makeup/hair
the little girl told her mom:
“mommy this hurts i dont like it”

and the frustrated mom simply said:
“beauty is pain sweetheart you might as well learn it now”

and i can’t stop thinking about how some of the things kids learn about so young, is so sad.

yeah i don’t know,

i can’t stop thinking about how//

beauty is pain
but pain isn’t beautiful.

i have found that my head goes too deep.
i can’t stop thinking about how sad it is that every single day i will keep waking up.

right now i’m sitting in my car
going on three hours.
it’s raining.
it is currently 12:23am
and i can’t get myself to go inside.

most people’s heads are
similar to
rivers
or lakes
or ponds
some deeper than others depending on who.

it’s much easier to see the bottom of shallow waters.
it is also much easier to stay afloat
and usually you’re closer to an edge.

the deeper it gets,
the harder it is to see through
and the longer it takes to get to a shoreline.

i tend to drown in the ocean of my mind.

i think one reason why the ocean appears beautiful is because of the mystery of what could be below.
also because the reflection of the sky on the water is simply incredible.
we all reflect normality, which is the sky.
it’s still beautiful but everyone can see it by just glancing up.

but most people can tell that there is more to us than just what reflects off the water,
but they don’t know what.

often times people are terrified but also incredibly intrigued by a mystery.

us with deep minds are often seen as beautiful,
we tend to make beautiful art because we have so much beneath the surface.

so many undrawn pictures
so many lyrics not written
so many movements not choreographed

people love to see us trace the shadows that are deep in our minds.

we paint theses things hoping that then maybe - just maybe - they could get it.
or at least part of it.

we create art so people can see pieces of things that they don’t see for themselves
and things that they can’t see from above the surface,

the surface of the water.
the surface of our head.

it’s dark when you go deep in the ocean
harder for the sun to reach
like my mind.

it has spots where the light reaches
but also areas that have never seen the light of day.
it can be scary and disorienting.

i honestly want to die.

but no matter how hard the day is,
i still wake up tomorrow.
we will all most likely make it to tomorrow.

that’s all we’ve ever done,
or else we would be dead.

sometimes i wish my mind was a body of shallow water instead of a complex ocean.
it would be so much easier to understand and be understood.

but i don’t have a simple head.
so i will keep writing **** that doesn’t make sense to anyone and i will keep waking up tomorrow.

i have yet to not make it to tomorrow.
i find is so sad,
and i’m still struggling at coming to terms with it.

breathe in breathe out
pulling over to the side of the road
trying to breathe
trying to see through this fountain
of tears on my face
usually i can pull myself together
enough to drive,
but not today.
breathe in breathe out
finally i get distracted focusing out at the window at the leaves dripping from the tree making crunchy colorful puddles.
i peel my hand off the steering wheel
because i was gripping it so hard
breathe in breathe out
resting my head against the cool glass, honestly i don’t know why i’m here or what i’m doing
my hands are shaking
have you ever felt this way..
it sounds almost as if i am describing a close call to a wreck, or bad news on a phone call.
but no
this is the result of living.
i have to distract myself when it gets this bad.
people wonder why i love nature so much.
but it’s because it’s the only real thing in this world of fake ideals.