When you are silent,
You give me a blank.
And boy, do I fill it.
I fill it with all of my fears.
I fill it with assumptions.
I fill it with the pain of my past.

When you give me a blank,
I fill it with worst case scenarios.
I get that knot in my stomach that tells me you're gonna give up on me any time now.

When you give me a blank,
I break my own heart.
So please, just talk to me.

I'll give you shelter
before the rains come

September's settling in
like a setting sun

I can see the dark clouds
coming your way

Let's sit out on the porch
and watch the day fade to gray

There's lightning on the horizon
and thunder under the wind

Why don't you stay here awhile,
it's good to see you again

We'll go inside and light a fire
when the night gets young

I'll give you shelter
before the rains come.

r ~ 9/22/14

there's a slam of a front door
that sends a signal to my lungs
to tell them that they need nicotine
and another to the dry throat that
says it's time for a cup of coffee

i conduct a symphony of
slowly getting out of bed

taking the first sip of coffee
always reminds me of that
first kiss we shared on
new years at midnight,
i knew i would regret it

lately, the drinks i pour in
the evening feel worse than
a burnt tongue, because it
slides down my throat, into the
into the stomach, into the veins,
into the brain that usually tells me
do not think about this tonight but

i am drunk
i am obsessive
i am harmless

i have grown so exhausted of
always being the wrong kind of
brave

Should I be concerned about the state I'm in?
I'm not sure how bad it is,
honestly
I can't tell because
what used to be bad days are good days now
and I guess that's what people mean when they say
you'll learn how to live with it.
I think you just become one with your demons
and soon you're saying things you never thought you would
like maybe happiness isn't all everyone says it is,
maybe weakness is a kind of strength,
maybe I just won't get better and that'll be okay because
recovery
is a marathon, not a sprint
but some days I can't even bring myself to get out of bed
so that trek seems impossible.
I am getting used to the emptiness;
I hardly think about it now,
and by that I mean I always think about it so
it doesn't seem like a big deal anymore
and these days crying is a nonevent,
my eyes are bloodshot more often than they are clear,
and my friends have stopped asking how I'm doing.
I guess I seem pretty stable and
I guess that's accurate,
I'm pretty regularly in a state of numbness
manifesting itself in
tequila and
the word okay and
art that people choose not to see the underlying meaning in.
I have written a suicide note every day for the past six months
but I call it poetry
and that somehow makes it okay to say these things-
by putting my turmoil into stanzas
it becomes a metaphor rather than a cry for help and
nobody will take this one seriously, either,
nobody seems to be concerned about the state I'm in.
I am learning to live with it.

nothing's the same without you
a grey cloud follows me everywhere
since you've been gone
where did you go?
"The neighbors said
she moved away.
funny how it rained all day."
Without you here
everything is wrong
the world has been ******
and we just need you back
"I'm not coming back
I've done something so terrible
I'm terrified to speak"
You're free now
an angel
free of the torture of our world
"now the rain is washing you out of my head
and out of my mind"
it was your time.
you left because you had to
"I guess I'll go home now."

I am the one to break your cycle,
Sadly, mine is never broken,
You will crush me like my dreams,
I guess that's what I get for hoping,
Please just crush me in my dreams,
Just do it while I'm sleeping,
So that when I do wake up,
You'll already be leaving,
You can pack my stuff up too,
I won't need it anymore,
Return my house key to the ring,
On the way out lock the door,
Rev the car up in the driveway,
Light a smoke and watch the clock,
Press the gas into the floorboard,
And didn't lift until time stopped.

No.
  I will not meet you outside
    In the middle of a rainstorm
      Just to **** that ***** **** of yours
        And make you feel good.

        No.
      I will not sneak you into my house
    When my parents are asleep
  So that you can **** me senseless
And make me feel something.

No.
  We are not “doing it” tonight
    Or any other night.
      You’re a desperate little ****,
        And I can’t ******* stand you.