When you want to die,
But you can't die.

And I cried,
Grasping sheets,
Hoping that it was your hands.

And I cried,
I cried heavier than the worst thunderstorms.
I poured.

And I cried,
Not because the dream has ended,
But knowing the reality could never be started.

I always believe that for a writer,
The moment death becomes theirs,
It is not when despaired air not inhaled,
It is not even when the pain starts dripping blood,

I always believe that for a writer,
The moment death becomes theirs,
It is when words can't be exhaled,
It is when words stops flowing as blood.

I remembered I keep surprising myself of how much I love him,
I thought I have loved him the most to my ability,
How wrong was I in the name of love,
Because I found myself helplessly pouring out love,
That gets more intense each second passed.

Like the rain that came drizzling,
And the next second it poured so heavily,
All you could ever see is a sheen of white luminance.

The thunders and lightnings accompanied were the evidence you are not in Heaven,
"Rain", you remind to keep your feet on the ground.

I cried thanking the word bless,
He showed and brought out the love that I, myself were not aware existed.

Years passed,
The rain came just as soft,
And just as intensely heavy.

But it came pouring down not in the name of love,
It was crying in the name of sadness.

Kiss my forehead and tell me nothing hurts

I don't know if I hate or love the fact that even if the universe gives every speck of reasons on why I should not fall for you,


But then you smile, and I unconsciously grasp upon that one reason on why I definitely should

Never would I have thought in my whole reincarnations that a tiny, insignificant lip mole could bring this much ache and sorrow.

I already know it all.
I just want to hear from her mouth.

"Three pieces for three thousand", she answered nonchalantly.

"Why?", I asked through the tears that starts to puddle in my eyes.

"I need money",
Fist clenching until her knuckles turns white.

I started to turn my heel,
Ready to run to nowhere.

"I'm sorry". Again.

I stopped.
My back was facing her.
And it took all my being not to breakdown right then and there. 

With the softest sigh,

"I know. Everyone is",
"As always",
"I know you know I can't do anything but to forgive you",
"I have forgiven you even before the frequency of the word was breathed out."

I searched for a speck of strength from the despaired air I inhaled.

"I just wish you would **** me instantly with one big tsunami of pain, instead of injecting it drop by drop, keeping me alive, forever wishing I was not."

"For wishing that",
"I'm sorry."

My heart aches when I don't hear your name,
But my chest aches when I do.

My heart aches when I don't see you,
But my bones ache when I do.

I told myself it is okay. Heart wins over everything.

I am so confused.
Of whether everything reminds me of you,
Or I just see you in everything.

How does it feels like to be loved?
Is it as beautiful as you?
Tell me more about it please?
I want to know all of it.
Tell me more.

"You are beautiful"

And for the first time,
I wish for the darkness to not come to an end.

All my hopes and dreams just rise to one scene.

To be able to tell someone our story.

"And we kissed and kissed and kissed!
Until we both breathless but we never stop."

Eyes sparkling,
I could feel my heart bursting from the immensity of happiness and contentment.
And my voice would be a pitch higher and cracked.
Because I was so happy that I would cry.

"Do everything that makes you feel alive."

What am I suppose to do,
If you are my everything,
If you makes me feel alive,
And if you are everything that makes me feel alive?

I want to do you.
I want to do you.
Every nook and cranny.
Every secret hideouts.

Oh, what a great feeling must it be,
To feel you want to do me more.

"I promise, I'll do better."

My heart shrinked,
My body shuddered,
Everytime I hear that word.

Better, better, better.

Because I know how it feels,
Because I know how it hurts.

When you had give your best.
And it's still not enough.
Nothing is ever enough.

"I promise, I'll do better."
Tagging at the bottom of his shirt.
Grasping for that speck of hope,
He will not leave.

He left.

I want to read 'Like this' by Rumi to you.

And kiss you,
Like this,

Like this.

Tell me,
Should I worship the universe for letting me loving you,
Or should I condemn it for letting you hurting me?

The love I have for him terrifies me,

So I cry,
I cry and I cry and I cry and I cry,
Because that's the only thing preventing me from bursting with so much love I have for him.

So I cry,
I cry and I cry and I cry and I cry,
Because that's the thing you do when you're scared.

I fall for you like the leaves fall for the ground.
Slowly but surely,
And once I touch you,
I can't undone what's done.

And once I fall completely for you,
I'm already dead.

But beautiful,
Dead but beautiful.

"If you'd let me, I can give you tomorrow he promised yesterday, and broke today."

Cracked voice,

Warm hands,

The words fell felt as smooth as his hand caressing mine in circles. 

Silence fogged the air between us like morning cold mist after a whole night of thunderstorm.

"But that's the problem", I finally found my voice.

Staring above, 

I searched for strength I thought I could find in the stars.

"Tomorrow never exists for me.", I breathed out. 

"Each day was my last.", I faintly whispered with amusement wrapped in sadness.

We both died that night.

Bullet through my head,

Love through his heart.

And I don't know which is more painful.

"Do you believe in second chances?",
Sparkled eyes and sincere curiosity.

"No",
I breathed out all of my strength as a single word.

Silenced wrapped upon us like a blanket on a cold winter nights.

"But there's nothing I can do but to keep giving you more than infinite chances anyways."
I whispered with the softest sigh.

"You made me realise believing and loving are of different substances."
The words were spoken through visible falling diamonds and silence.

"Where is he going?"
To the woman he loves the most.

"How could you know?"
Because I have always love him the most.

And the next thing you realise,
You will love her an infinite more than the word love loves agony.

The only circumstance that keeps me breathing is the belief that I only love the idea of you.

The moment the notion of I truly love you was taken as gospel arrived,
I would've already made my way to destruction.

One day,
I heard a snap.
It's the sound of me,
Breaking.
Crack.
Shattering.
Tragically, it was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard

There are two types of people.

You pointed the head of the gun as close as possible towards his forehead,
He shivered to the coldness of the steel. 

The first type,
You would love him so much,
You couldn't pull the trigger.
You couldn't imagine living in a world,
Taking his breath as yours is impossible. 

Click.

Well, the second type,
You couldn't pull the trigger not because you love him truly,
Quite the opposite,
You don't love him as much. 
You are hit by the jealousy,
He gets to leave for home first. 
The moment you pull the trigger, 
Would be the moment you have given your whole heart and soul to him.

Bang.

Take care of my heart and soul.

She was a dreamer
Never a realist.

When she is falling,
She believed she is flying.

When she is beaten,
She believed love is deepen.

When she is breaking,
She believed Earth is shaking.

When she is broken,
She believed she is chosen.

When she is crying,
She believed it's purifying.

She was a dreamer,
Never a realist.

That is why,
When you are leaving,
She finally is breathing.

YOU DON'T SAY I LOVE YOU TO PEOPLE AND THEN SHOWER THEM WITH TEARS AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS.

YOU DON'T SAY I MISS YOU TO PEOPLE AND THEN THE ONLY MOMENT YOU'RE HERE IS THE MOMENT YOU ARE LEAVING.

YOU DON'T TEACH THE WORD LOVE TO PEOPLE BY MAKING THEM BELIEVE THAT THE SOFTEST KISS LEAVES PAINFUL BLUE TO BLACK MARKS ALL OVER AND MISTAKEN IT WITH LIGHTNINGS.


but you did.

You lift both of your palms,
Resting it against my cheeks.

As mine placed on top of your hands,
I begin to tremble.

"Please be gentle", I said.

"You are home", he said.

I never knew before,
Touch could be,
So soft,
So tender,
A whisper would seem like a thunder.

11.11: Him

My heart is so exhausted running away from killers.
Then, I stumbled upon your heart that makes the most comfortable bed covered with silk.

But your heart was inside an abandoned house,
Made from rotten woods,
Moss climbing up the walls,
Hugged by pitch black darkness,
Eaten away by mites.

"What a beautiful home must it have been"

It would collapse any moment.

I am scared the roof would crush me to dust while I was asleep.

"Let me just rest and catch a breath"

But the moment the walls of my heart touch the silk of yours,
I unconsciously fall and dreaming away.

"What a beautiful home it is"

"With every breath, breathe him out",

said my mind.

"With every breath, breathe him in",

said my heart.

And I wonder why my lungs are crushing and I can't seem to breathe.

I always thought that love is madness,
Wrapped in blessings,
Ribbon tied with curse,
Poetry as greetings,
Written on a card heart stamped,
Pixie dusts and magic as glitters so you would glance.
You would glance.
Once.
And that is all it takes.








I always have been so sure that he is love.

He is love.

But the address written is not mine.