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Payton Elizabeth Jan 2019
I don't remember the day
the day that I realized you were abusing me
I kept ignoring the fact that mental abuse was just as detrimental as physical
No, you weren't creating bruises, bleeding, or breaks
But I promise you there was damage
I second guess everyone now
I overthink someone else love for me, because I think its pretend, just like yours
Everything was my fault, even when it was very clearly yours
But I begged for you to forgive me for being broken by your mistakes, because I hated when our home was being torn down
I told myself that relationships take work
That if I tried harder to make you happy, then you wouldn't hurt me anymore
I think the thing that got me the most was how good of a liar you became
How easy it was for you to look me right in the eye and tell me a complete lie, and have zero remorse and never feel the stabbing guilt I would've felt.
How do you do that?
How do you feel okay looking at me?
And you know I know you're lying, but I want the lie to be true so badly that I'll ignore everything and pretend we're okay
Because unlike you, I did love you
I wanted to trust you and I wanted us to work, but I didn't have enough love in my heart for the both of us.
I thought I did, but we both know that's not how it works
You can't force someone to be in love with you like I wished you were
Payton Elizabeth Jan 2019
I called you as a cry for help
You sat there and talked about your day as I sat in silence
I called you and you didn't listen to me, or you I guess you did, you just didn't really hear me
You could hear my heavy sighs, I know you could picture the tears running down my face
But you didn't care
You don't understand the suffocating feeling anxiety will give you
"Why are you crying?"
"Whats wrong?"
"You're fine."
I can hear you when you say these words to me
I swear I can
But they mean nothing to me
... they mean nothing to my anxiety
My anxiety doesn't care that there is no reason to cry
that there is actually nothing wrong
or that I'm fine
Anxiety will give you 1,000 reason to cry and 1,000 things that are wrong, and 1,000 reasons why you are not fine
How depressing is it that in a world full of opportunities, I see every one of them as something to overthink
I worry you'll leave me for this
Payton Elizabeth Jun 2018
I felt the heart break from every human being all at once
and then I felt my heart drop right to my stomach creating the worst ache you'd ever imagine
An ache you never knew the devil ever created
I was ashamed my love ended too quickly because it was overpowered by you, you coward
I had been mentally beaten down, "It was your fault"
Who crushed God when he created heartache
When He made it possible to physically crumble due to another one of His creations.
What sin did I commit for this?
I felt the link between my reality and my happiness break
I knew it must've hurt for too long when my cheeks were stained with black dried tears and my body felt numb all the way to my toes
I was left with an empty hole, however,
I was left with so much space to be filled with something that deserved my love
I was left with so many opportunities for love, because that was not love no matter how many times I tried to sculpt it into love
That was comfort, that was history, that was convenience.
God leads us to magnificent things in disguise
How dare I label a heartache His creation when it was a miracle all along waiting to happen.
Payton Elizabeth Nov 2017
You tell yourself you could've prevented it
You say,
"If I just wouldn't have gone out that night
If I just wouldn't have taken that last shot
If I just wouldn't have worn that black shirt that made my ***** look bigger
If I just wouldn't have looked at him
If I just wouldn't have danced that dance
If I just wouldn't have followed him"
Yet somehow,
You were around other men who kept themselves away and respected your home
One boy came and recked it
You blame yourself for something a boy did
How is it that everyone else was able to respect you, yet he wasn't
Yet somehow,
it was your fault?
Payton Elizabeth Nov 2017
You never want your daughter to have to go through what you went through
So you tell her, "do not party, do not drink, do not hang out with those people, especially him, do not sneak out of the house, do not get caught up in drugs..."
You tell her that how mad at her you will be if she does these things and how disappointed you will be for her disobeying you
Only because you are trying to protect her from what your mother could not
Not because you don't understand her and why she would and all the temptations and fun that could've happened, but did not
You scare her so much that when she does go to that party and drink too much, or when she gets caught up with that boy, not a man, and he uses her home as a hotel, or when she experiments and goes too far with a drug, with something to take away reality
She will not come to you
She is too ashamed of the disappointment and too afraid of the punishment
That she will not come to you
So her guilt and depression grows like a **** until she cannot house it anymore
So what do you do and how do you protect her from what your mother could not
Payton Elizabeth Nov 2017
How is it that the person your heart loves the most is the one who knows just how to tear it apart.
Payton Elizabeth Nov 2017
You were good at it. Pretending to be the person I wanted you to be.
Hiding your mistakes and flaws because you thought that could actually change you. You buried the true self and wore a mask to hide it from me. For a while I had no idea. But then one day, I pushed the mask off and there you were. Little did you know, I loved you more than I did before.
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