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4.1k · Mar 2014
Lust & reflection
Paul Stevens Mar 2014
Solitude is a blessing, forced by a changed mind.
Reflection and analysis rule the quiet times, pondering.

The feeling of completeness overwhelming, enjoying.
Disconnected madness from the daily normal grind.

Lost in the maybe, envisioned joy supersedes reality.
Euphoric pleasure tempers the  momentous soul.

Searching to re-establish the understanding of clarity.
Heart closes almost reluctantly, unexpected peace returns.
Was it love or lust ?
Paul Stevens Nov 2012
Amadou awakened with a start, it was Omar one of the guardians of Yaldagou (the largest Hospital in the capital of Burkina Faso) knocking on the window of his taxi, Amadou had just settled down for the night after a long day in the heat and fumes that was Ougadougou it was just after midnight on Sunday, he struggled to wake up rubbing the sleep from his eyes as Omar explained in Mori(local language), that there was two white people in need of his special service.

After a quick explanation that someone had died in a private clinic near by and the body needed to be transported to the morgue at Yaldagou,  he snapped out of his sleepiness  and thought for a moment how much he could charge the rich white people, it was two days after Eid and as a strict Muslim he had been celebrating the holidays and now he had been offered an opportunity to supplement his taxi income, someone had to do it and it was an unsavoury job and anyway on the few occasions he had done it had been lucrative, it might as well be him!

Amadou thought to himself, if you had the misfortune to die in the day time there was a private service but in the night dignity went out the window and it was up to people like Amadou and select bunch of taxi drivers with seats that could be configured to accommodate the corpses of the recently deceased to perform this service, so taxi 87 driven by Amadou would take this lady who had died from kidney failure and other ***** failure, after struggling for some days she eventually lost her battle and slipped into unconsciousness and finally died.

Amadou finally settled on 10000 cfa a fair price, after all the so called professionals would charge 30000 cfa three times more and it was around Eid "Alah akba".  

A quick Thank you to Omar for helping them and the two white people left with him for the short journey to the clinic, after the usual discussions the body was released and  transported to the morgue to join the other recently deceased waiting for burial in the morning,

Amadou, rearranged the seating in his taxi after parking up in his favourite place under the trees of Yaldago it was just after one thirty, a good ninety mins work he thought to himself, yawned and settled down to sleep a few more hours before dawn prayers.

This was Africa and "someone had to do it" was his last thoughts.
A true story, something that happens regularly even today!
2.0k · Mar 2015
Mothers day remembering
Paul Stevens Mar 2015
Thoughts of you drift daily through my mind.
Images created from your doings that made me who I am.
Mother,  my infinite support and guiding light.
Inspired by you, I tread my sometime rocky path.
Remembering your advice, 'keep pushing on'.
To the next adventure, experience created.
Still the floating thoughts arrive to mold
The future that awaits me and my journeys end.
Dearly departed
1.8k · Nov 2012
Twisted Emotion - Confusion?
Paul Stevens Nov 2012
Words hang from twisted emotions like blossoms from a garland,
Dropping, then gathered into sentences to be delivered as expressions.

Discussed and considered, feelings form, fear or confusion arises.
Happiness, delightful excitement is offered.

To be taken and sensed, or dismissed and forgotten there's always the choice between trusting or suspicion.

Belief is difficult when experiences are dampened with pain and hurt, not fulfilling.
A chance for happiness perhaps, amongst the chaos that is reality.

Respite from the toughness, see the lightness offered through kindness and love.
Non judgemental consideration and beauty, helps the pain and emotional restriction.

To give is wonderful, to be able to accept is incredible.

Too many words have been spoken in early excitement, from the heart rises love, desire and need.

The head overflows, logic disappears to be replaced with more of the same, belief forming.

The sense of being, confused  by the strength of the connection and depth of feeling.

Joined in natures embrace and pleasuring touch, joy, happiness and deep, deep emotion intermingle

Searching for understanding, a meaning, is there one or is this just how it is for now?
Paul Stevens Jan 2014
She is ours, part of the family to be loved and cherished and later to play with, my connected love, now we were two cuties, my sister and me, you always had time for me, explaining, sharing, helping and learning, what discussions we had! Stories related, retold time and time again.
Little man off to school, you and the babies close behind, be brave, through the tears I played shop, I smelled old milk and cheesy feet, lots of  kindness and felt understanding, but I had to go again!
Music and drama, fainting and headache more like, fresh air and playing seemed like the answer, big gates, streams of parents and kids all in my way, wait at the crossing, mad rush to get across.
Home with Jacques Cousteau and underwater swimming, the reading adventure began, to swim like a fish with just the bubbles for company amongst the depths was my daydream, Tea time already, how time flies in dreamland, everyone’s there except dad, easy time!
Bath time for me imagination overdrives submarines and divers, how long can I hold my breath? Dark outside, my siblings breathing and the background hum of the downstairs TV is all I hear. lights off, time to find the torch and read under the covers, a few pages before the creak on the stairs.
Torch off, pretend to be asleep as the door opens and dad checks we are all “dead to the world”, sometimes I manage to stay awake and find my place, often I wake up, rub my eye, its  daytime already!
My brothers and I shared a room, bunk beds for them near the window, me opposite the door. Little privacy, but fun nevertheless, occasionally difficult sometimes interesting, but mostly annoying.
A largish family sharing a small space, the art of compromise often stretched to breaking point, We children grew, vying for position and fighting for existence and recognition such is our roles.
Protected me from harm, allowed me to grow even when I was being stifled by others, convinced me that Policemen were there to help and not there to be afraid of, but respected, understood my concerns and provided solutions to my childish concerns and worries.
Stroked my fevered brow and rubbed tired muscles, supported me through conflict and disappointment, you taught me to understand both sides of the argument; you taught me empathy and compassion.
You taught me to stand my ground when threatened, to show strength in the face of adversity, how intelligence is a path to knowledge, that intelligence wasn’t everything, but learning is!
People are human whatever the colour of their skin, or their religious beliefs, fairness ruled, whenever I needed you, you were/are always there for me, always ready to provide a shoulder to cry on, some advice for me to consider, away from all the madness, a sanctuary from the world.
All this you do for me because I am your son, your blood, the product of biological creation of you, I  give you worry and concern, interspersed with pride of an achievement at some splendid thing.
Oh mother of mine, understand my sadness and my darkness even, the light is still burning deep within  my soul,  however small, the flame still smoulders, awaiting the breath that fans it to burn brightly again.
My quietness may seem austere, but I mean no malice, it’s my way to deal with the disappointment. never forget, my love for you is deep, adorned with gratitude and respect for all that you give me.
1.5k · Nov 2012
Is This A Question of Age?
Paul Stevens Nov 2012
Are we to wither away, say goodbye to the remote possibility of everything or the acceptance of nothing, damaged as we are from life and what it has thrown at us and how we have adapted to it, where is the strength we thought nothing of when we were young – everything was possible , anything could be overcome.

Now it is harder to start from the beginning to rise from the detritus that has left its smudge on this human plane, to  feel warmth from one’s own heart, passions that used to run deep are locked away lost from the moment, will they ever return or are they buried from this reality – what is this reality?

Pure and without stimulus our bodies weak from over indulgence become but empty vessels  for our pain to adhere to, but yet exists this mind of memories that fail to disappear.

These very memories fight with the functionality that we accept as our living life mixed with dreams and our experiences laid bare to improve upon the quality of our anger, frustration, pleasure and happiness that engages us again, enabling us the advantage to overcome our apathy and  withstand hardship and discomfort, both  mentally and  physically.

And once again we shout from the highest imagined ground our intentions and with our determination set to turbo drive, we move out on to the superhighway of our existence, battling  our demons to achieve our presupposed goals, is this living?

Or merely homage to a bygone set of loosely interpreted doctrine absorbed from our greater consciences. Individuality what has this become? – A freedom to define ones uniqueness?

Is it truly accepted or is it frowned  upon, an illusion perhaps, to be held high then massaged by ego, manipulated by the wannabees and dismissed by the pseudo intellectuals for their contrived  ill-gotten gains.

Or is it puerile credo that mutates in to a complex melange of all things material, a substitute for the happiness that existed in a previous incarnation of existence, without doubt a causal effect imploding,  oblivious to the damage that is caused by the ignorance of consideration and distillation of emotion from love, to the banality of acceptance.

Once again the circle is circumvented  and the cycle is begun in earnest until the finality of death is welcomed unto the midst of longing from the soul, in repose before its journey to dance amongst the cosmos.
1.4k · Nov 2012
Broken, but not destroyed!
Paul Stevens Nov 2012
I sit before you a shadow of my former self, where once I would have reflected all that is you,
Now I absorb your freely beamed energy, hoping to feel the way I did before so long ago
My strength is my inner wisdom, not the outer shell; although still handsome some would say
A depth of character resonates from “those eyes” dark black/brown still smouldering, still alive, knowing
The delights of the body still wanting, occasionally satisfied, the mind plays tricks, for a while young again
Ambition becomes survival; action becomes interest and discussion, finally knowledge and experience
A struggle for acceptance or a path cut into my psyche through the ignorance of youth and inexperience or
Was it the innocence of not knowing and the eagerness of an open mind with a thirst for facts and the truth.
The incomprehension of reality continues to acceptance “I am older now” my life thus far an adventure,
Limited by health and financial restriction, inventiveness rules the day, a shared belief a shared involvement.
Paul Stevens Dec 2013
Mother soon you will be free to fly again outside the prison of your body, to dance in the cosmos amongst heavens realm.

To communicate with the oneness that is the universe, interpreted through your faith in God, and join the sanctuary of the other departed souls.

Gather again with your closest and dearest, still remembered and never forgotten in luxurious unity, comfort and divine peace.

The journey is over on this mortal coil, hard fought through effort and pain, frustrated emotions struggling for lucid thought.

Time now to rest, seek comfort and the quietness of serenity that awaits you after this struggle for your existence.

Surrender to the all engulfing love, its strong embrace, savour the attraction of the ultimate reality unfolding.

Leave now in the knowledge that those still here acknowledge and respect the greatest sacrifices you made for them.

Death kisses the spirit and wraps the emotions securely, igniting the soul's flame to burn brightly once again.

Fly high and free like a bird, Jonathan's got nothing on you as you soar and sweep through silvery feathered clouds to the deep blue joy edged with gilded light.
Written as part of my Mothers eulogy in 2011
956 · Jun 2013
Jealousy
Paul Stevens Jun 2013
Is it irrational to feel jealous about something previously planned in existence before things changed and my emotions run deep of someone confused and vulnerable who gets solace with an old liaison ?

My position is to accept and hope that it doesn't continue even if it is so difficult it is not part of my experience. we are free to share where we want too!
823 · Jun 2013
Shinning Diamond
Paul Stevens Jun 2013
You have been everything to me since I first met you. A Shinning diamond amongst the grains of life's sands, thank you for walking in my life and giving me purpose to rise again. X
760 · Aug 2013
Don't miss the bus !
Paul Stevens Aug 2013
Why is it when you finally connect with that someone special
Doubt and insecurity set in and your euphoria disappear
To be replaced with a insane need for validation
Communication to  reinforce your belief in the union

Why is it necessary to become suspicious about a situation
Or is it just because to fail is not imaginable
A return to loneliness when all that is required
Is a perfect bond created by Mutual respect and understanding

Open your heart and listen to the wisdom contained within
To leave your heart tightly closed, is to miss the bus !
593 · Apr 2015
A drop of rain
Paul Stevens Apr 2015
A drop of rain splashes onto his cheek, it is brushed away as the others had been, it had been almost three hours but still he waited, casting his eyes around the vista in front of him, refocusing his gaze through the telescopic sight and along the now wet steel of the rifles barrel, blue-black in the tiny gaps between the camowrap which merged with the foliage of his cached viewpoint, as the crosshairs snapped into clarity, He felt comfortable that he was well hidden from prying eyes, waiting was almost a meditation to him over the months he had been tasked with this duty he had grown to love the solitude it was a time to reflect, a time to listen to the birds and insects as he waited like a wild cat moving very little, almost  still and at the same time his mind concentrated on the target, the rain was getting heavier now although he had picked this spot at the base of a large plane tree, sheltered from the weather under the spreading crown of well-leaved branches, long bull grass directly in front of him he was warm and well protected by the elements with only a few drops of rain falling annoyingly on his cheek...,

He was a long way from the constant 28 degrees celsius and sunny days of his homeland  and his lovely Angela, how he missed her infectious laugh and freely given affection..".shake yourself up man you need to think of the job, you're not here to be emotional ! "

He blinked and refocused as he opened his eyes and stared through the cross hairs he saw a shadow shape change, a movement, he took a deep breath and flicked off the safety catch, gently squeezed the trigger and held it almost like the clutch on a European Manual car engaged in a hill start, two camo-clad figures emerged armed with assault rifles, (check - AK47 not accurate over this range - no immediate danger. ) Then he saw his target - a man in his fifties, long flowing silvery white hair slim build, dressed in black, this time looking like a special ops crew member without the training, ' thwack thwack ' one  bullet in the body and one in the head, his target was down even before his bodyguards had realised, beads of sweat formed on his brow as he buried himself deeper into the ground, keeping just one eye on the target zone, counting mentally and trying to keep his heart beat as slow as possible, he waited for the bodyguards to choose a route towards him, 17 seconds after the shooting "what were they waiting for?" At last they broke off in differing directions leaving a way through for him to get to his extraction point, deftly he dismantled his ****** rifle with controlled actions practiced time and time again -automatic now! 21 seconds he moved away stealthy stealing the space around the trees, a shadow in the depths of shadow melting into the undergrowth, he hears shouting and confused conversation.

In his new hiding place now waiting, completely merged into the darkness unseeable by the untrained eye, wait he must as he presses the button on his wristwatch to activate his extraction beacon it is now 43 seconds after the target had been eliminated !
Later sitting on the nearest seat to the open door of the Seahawk 27 minutes after the last shot -all in a day's work soon he would be on the deck of the aircraft carrier at anchor in the gulf of Aqaba, the debrief done and then home to his lovely Angela.

But until then he needed to ride the storm of palpitations, sweats and waves of anxiety and the deep dark mind that always accompanied a '****'..
More of an observation
567 · Nov 2012
Change
Paul Stevens Nov 2012
A new beginning, a change, a challenge to be welcomed or just the next step in the metamorphosis of this creation?
Phoenix rising from the ashes or a clean sweep?

Never the less a change of identity a re-invention, some would hold it as a cyclical change, a repetition of the same problems or continued existence, is this the reality or is it the reality of the announcer?

Relinquished from the material world albeit temporarily. an opportunity presents itself to cherry pick from experience and once again to cast ones net to the proverbial fishes and feast on the vast riches therein.

To open eyes that were once clamped shut but now yearn to feast again, to grow and absorb that which is there for absorption, to "live again" awakened by the splendour that existence brings.
561 · Mar 2014
Lost
Paul Stevens Mar 2014
God how my soul aches for you
Just to be close to you and feel connected
How I long to see you and caress
Kiss and lick all you secret places
You in my arms pressed against me
Where only you belong ,skin on skin
Our lips touching, teasing passion
Burning bright, breathing deeply
Hard against soft and warm moving
Nudging the knowing pleasure to come .
How empty am I feeling, Something
Missing, an unnatural longing already lost
Come back my love, once more as one.
545 · Jun 2013
Thoughts
Paul Stevens Jun 2013
"Thoughts how destructive and yet so illuminating they can be"
532 · Jun 2013
Emotions run deep!
Paul Stevens Jun 2013
When emotions run deep there is often confusion about the reality of the given situation and we question the validity of our reactions.

But this doesn't mean that there are situations where the reality isn't real, it's just that it is more difficult to determine and choose the correct reaction.

We are influenced by our cultural and our perceived needs, this can be dangerous but also exciting and can provoke extremely strong reactions.

Caution is advocated from our logical mind but emotionally we welcome the chance of some pleasurable action that satisfies our perceived needs.
516 · Jun 2016
Oh, how I love you
Paul Stevens Jun 2016
I love your soul, the way you think, your consideration, your tenderness, your strength, your softness, your gentleness, the way you smile, your voice, your looks, your cautiousness, your forthrightness, the way you laugh, your mind, your eyes, your smell, your hair, your taste in design, the way you dress(even the quirky side), your love of animals, your modesty, your courage, your sense of right & wrong, your kindness, your “aye aye”, your promotion of me, your support, the peace I feel when I am with you, the excitement when you're close to me, the fact I miss you when I am not with you and how I look forward to when I am with you. and the delicious prospect of discovering much more.
479 · Apr 2014
Retuning lovers
Paul Stevens Apr 2014
Rejoined in natures bliss, the soul vibrates its old frequency.

Pleasure fires it's delicious sensations inside the feeling brain

Touch replaces the nothingness that was absent there before.

Temperature rising, breath matches the heart's rapturous thumping.

Closer now engulfing and receiving, resistance is impossible.

Growing, building, rising from the depths, ecstasy teases a reaction, all consuming...
477 · Nov 2012
Death - Emotion
Paul Stevens Nov 2012
Death brings changes, of course by definition, a life has reached its final conclusion.
Death impacts emotions on others by the departing of someone close, creates hurt.
Death brings release for those concerned as well as mixed memories, inciting emotions.

Emotions sad or glad are just that, emotions to be relished, enjoyed and celebrated.
Emotions, feelings that are felt all at once or one at a time, the human condition.
Emotions are the glue that binds us individuals to each other to share our angst.
472 · Jun 2013
A few minutes
Paul Stevens Jun 2013
A few minutes spent with you a warm embrace a two cheek kiss and my day is suddenly lifted,
Oh how my soul longs to touch you in love's perfect affection, perhaps later the taste of you will be forever on my lips!
Paul Stevens May 2014
Filling my time with distractions, searching for solace with others
No time to think, or consider the pain and the hurt that exists
Deeply buried from this happy face and calm exterior, suppressed
With practised aplomb – I am hurting but no-one should see the effect
My love how we played and shared loves praise and sensation adventures
An exploration of the senses , intermingled emotions, bodies yearning
How I miss the peace that only you gave me the sense of belonging
An understanding, a shared reaction, chemical bonding - lightest touch
I miss you my love, help me mend this broken heart
Paul Stevens Jul 2014
Sand  falling through my fingers the cliché continues.
Each grain a feeling or a thought reviewed, analysed and discarded.
Or put aside to be grasped again and so the cycle continues..
Or left and dismissed from consideration no longer valid!
Feelings
381 · Apr 2014
Effect
Paul Stevens Apr 2014
Bright light shining through the fussiness.

I see your smiling face and twinkling eyes.

Almost instantly I feel it, a strange uneasiness.
304 · Jun 2013
Here for you
Paul Stevens Jun 2013
I am here for you for anything you need, any help or support I can give you you can count on me to always be there.

If you want to discuss the weather or talk about metaphysics then I can.

If you want to be silent and be hugged then I am your man.

Shining diamond, I love to see you sparkle, even when your light is low I will be there to help you glow brighter and bring it back.
Paul Stevens Jun 2016
Pressure rising, tempered by alcohol's warm embrace, a discussion - too late! A kiss is taken and given, more of the same. lips searching for more of the same.

The pleasure savoured, almost as quickly it's over amongst the surprised smiling faces.

An illicit action between two great friends, though sweetly received it can't  happen again.

Each action questioned,  thoughts are thought, doubts rise,  feelings hastily hidden again,
262 · Jun 2016
Awakening
Paul Stevens Jun 2016
"A open heart, yet still guarded can feel love like no other
Tempered by experience, love's an old friend returning
Warm and gracious, yet riotous and exciting"
Paul Stevens May 2018
You walked in I was immediately mesmerised, an introduction, transfixed we speak exchanging words inquiring, discovering, the beauty unwinds like a flower petal by petal, layer by layer I am entranced by the warmth of your brown eyes, the loveliness of your smile and the vision before me draws me in further, your voice is like honey, viscous and sweet but strong, I study your mouth and notice the little wrinkles  at the side of your lips when you smile, I feel the energy you project all encompassing and I bathe in your glow, oblivious to everyone else in the room, my focus is on you and all that you are, I immediately have this urge to tell you about my recent life and the collection of events that brought me to this time and place because I know you will want to hear about it and understand, instantly.

I reconsider my behaviour since my arrival and I sense the peace and love that we could experience together as well as the excitement I feel it n my stomach, my heart is opening and vibrating with love, a love of acceptance and belonging, is this possible I ask myself,  I believe in the universe and all its infinite power providing a strong guidance for me, everything happens for a reason, we meet others to learn, to love, to achieve different levels of understanding, there is no such thing as coincidence, it is as it is meant to be, I suppress my doubts and fears and accept that this is a beginning perhaps of a longer journey to greater happiness or an episode of my life where I will learn something wonderful, intrigued I continue to inquire and discuss wanting to know more and listen to your speaking, your emotional intelligence absorbs me and happily relaxed I enjoy the conversation wondering if we will meet again and share some personal time over a glass of wine or a coffee, we exchange contact details and I imagine how nice it will be to see you again, A hug a kiss on the cheek and we part until the next time…
Love, feelings, Mystery
Paul Stevens May 2018
From the first time  I saw you I was intrigued a pretty face an intelligent face with eyes of blue so bright and sparkling! becoming more curious as we spoke as if  we both on an island in the crowded room, I was captivated!

Our language a little hampered by different languages but communication flowed. Disappointment followed very shortly after the discovery you already part of an others life, strong energy felt a friendship it could be, contacts given, promising to exchange some information of mutual interest.

Another meeting we met you accompanied by your partner, me with my friends, a memory of something strange between you and him, unable to identify and then you were gone...years passed things got done and conversations with others discussed and work continued.
64 · Dec 2020
Enchantment.
Paul Stevens Dec 2020
From the edges of enchanted brilliance, you enter even brighter shining in your glory, instantly I am drawn to your kindred spirit and I am at home once again

My already calm being is even calmer  bathed in your energy, we have lived a thousand lives, yet I am attracted magnetically to your complete soul essence

Like a moth to a flame, attempting to avoid the pain and dancing with the danger that for so many reasons is wrong, but feels right. Souls know no boundaries.

Living in the material plane conditioned by culture and society's conventions, invoke limitations, which in turn  focus on surmountable challenges

Yet I have a quiet happiness and a joyous & peaceful serenity within,  where sometimes confusion looms, but love still grows and rises to support you.
Thought & meanderings

— The End —