I wonder if you’d want to know
I named all of my demons after you and
they haunt me in my sleep

when I was 14 I fell asleep in April and dreamed of bones and
I’m not sure I’ve really ever woken up since

when I lost 5 pounds I never saw a difference

when I lost 10 my mother said I was looking good

when I lost 20 she told me to stop and handed me food
and I became anemic

when I lost 25 I stopped drinking anything because
I felt water had calories

when I lost 30 my mother held me on her lap
and held my bones together for me

when I lost 35 I started fainting every morning and
the doctors could no longer easily find my blood pressure

when I lost 40 people started to stare and food made me cry

when I lost 45 it hurt to walk and to lay down
it hurt to eat
it hurt to breathe and
I started throwing up my empty stomach

the mind plays tricks on those that decide
nourishment is not needed

Eat.

"I wish you well."
                                                          ­                    



                                         ­                                     (but not too well without me)

Poet, be not afraid.
There are far worse things than
Bad poetry.

Keep writing; like a child keeps
Drawing with the purest of
Disregards to likeness.

The more stones you turn, the more
Gems you produce.

The more ink you rain,
The more gracious your written
Children grow.

All flexing builds muscle.

Rough bricks form castles.

Even Dalì carved canvases to shreds
And started anew
Not caring too much.
Not caring

Too much
To keep painting.

If I was a mountain

That soared towards the sky,

With craggy snow caps

And stormy grey eyes-



Then you'd be the clouds

That swaddled my peak,

That silenced my thunder

When I tried to speak.



If I was the earth

The desert, in fact:

With arid dry soil

And mud, baked and cracked-



You'd be the rain

The downpour that soothed;

The balm to my bruises,

Relief to my wounds.



If I was the Moon

In the indigo night,

With stars as my blanket

And silver; my light-



Well you'd be the Sun

Just always behind

That lent me your glow

And caused me to shine.

We could keep driving
And let the wind touch us to sleep
And find ourselves somewhere new and safe

We could lay here for months
Talking about faraway places
Dreaming of a life with no consequences

We could forget it all
Together in a scorching blaze
And cool down slowly and frozen solid together

I could let you know
About these feelings that I've been growing
Inside my ribcage and nurtured so tenderly

We won't
I won't

I. Smoking
I can pull the feeling
Of my lungs burning
And throat sizzling
Into my mind and feel it
Even when it's not happening
And it's half yearning and half
Peaceful knowledge that
This is the most cowardly way to **** myself
And it's perfect for me

II. Stealing
It's not a thrill or
Anything like that
It's more like I'm entitled
To have these things I can't buy
Because I'm so sad and surely
Life owes me this
When it has failed me in everything else

III. ***
I get the most flack for the way
I love people with my body
I enjoy the intimate union
Of two bodies and souls
Feeling each other so closely
And forever tangling their two spirits
Together