The things she said to me 
Settled into the crevice 
Of my heart 
Previously unoccupied 

The tighter she hugged me
The warmer I felt
I could never recreate 
Her love for me

The words 
"Adopted" float around 
In my head
Like clouds in the sky

I've thought about it
A thousand times
And now I know
She thinks of it too.

I’d rather live in Africa
Than ever live with you
I’d rather live in Africa
Or search the ocean blue
I’d rather live in Africa
Than in this place called home
I’d rather be anywhere other than this
Because all I ever do is moan

They always tell you
Smoking is bad

It'll yellow your teeth
And blacken your lungs

You'll get lung cancer
And it's the only cause

And lastly
Everyone finds it unattractive

But my teeth are yellow
My lungs don't work right anyways

If its not lung cancer
It's something else

And I found a man with a cigarette
Pretty **** attractive

So when I took my first breath
I didn't cough or gag

I just smiled
and
took another drag

When I was six
My sister had told me
"I have a bone to pick with you"

It was the first time
I'd heard the phrase
And I was in trouble

And so many years later
I've decided that

If I counted up
All the bones I have to pick
I'd break every bone in your body

I was the plant in your vast apartment. You gave me water and left me in the sunlight to grow. You did everything you could. You helped me prosper.

Eventually you grew out of your apartment and you no longer wanted mere plants to keep you company.

I watched you pack your boxes full of pictures and birthday cards and gifts and love. You continued to pack as the world grew colder and the sunlight began to shrink. Eventually my *** cracked and you couldn't notice because you were invested in things much more important than a simple plant.

In the middle of January you finally left and the blinds were closed and the sun was shut out. You wisely decided a dead plant with a broken *** wasn't worth the time, nor the space in your new apartment.

So now I'm sitting in the middle of your old apartment floor, still waiting for water and a glimpse of sunlight that everybody realizes couldn't resurrect me.

For Christmas
you received  
a record player

You played
your own vinyls
on repeat
for days

And maybe
that's when
you learned
what a record
was supposed to
sound like

I was a broken record
playing the same
gut-wrenching melody
over and over

So you took
me out of your
record player
and respectfully
threw me out

It hurt. And I don't mean because you're gone and we are no longer.

It hurts because it mattered.
It hurts because I know
I am no longer keeping
you happy, or healthy
or helping you grow

I wasn't upset because you need to move on.
Yes, I'm upset because I don't have you.
But mostly I'm just upset because you
meant the world to me,
and same for you,
but I broke your universe.

The day I was born;
The day I began loving him
To this day, I haven’t stopped

Short and silly,
Loving and my own perfect
He was a ball of sunshine

It was a warm summer day;
Grass green, skies blue
I felt black

As she held me;
All seemed fine
I knew it wasn't
But to this day
I refuse to say
Goodbye

Which was worse?
Hurting you or hurting me?
Hurting you would hurt me
And hurting me would hurt you

You can't stay even though I need you
And I can't let you go
because I need you

It's a constant battle
between letting you go
And do what you need
And keeping me alive

I didn't learn about being beautiful from supermodels walking down the runway. I didn't learn about being beautiful from glamorous movie stars or musicians. I didn't even learn about being beautiful from the pretty girls at my school. No. I learned about beauty from my best friends and the freckles on their cheeks. I learned about beauty from the scars and imperfections they hated. I learned about beauty by watching them believe they aren’t.

I didn't learn about being intelligent in school. I didn't learn about being intelligent from some documentary I watched or book I read. I didn’t learn about being intelligent from studying day and night. No. I learned about being smart from my brother. I learned about being intelligent when I watched him stress for four years about college. I learned about being intelligent by helping him cram for tons of tests and quizzes and celebrating his success. I learned about being intelligent listening to his sobs when he received a full ride to his dream college.

I didn’t learn about being kind from some after-school special. I didn’t learn about being kind from watching my parents help being at the supermarket. I didn’t even learn about being kind from being treated so unkindly. No. I learned about being kind from my band director. I learned about being kind when I sat in her office with tears permanently stained on my cheeks and she just accepted my tears. I learned about being kind when she let me sleep on her shoulder for two hours on a bus. I learned about being kind when she gave me the coat off her back because I didn’t have one.

I didn’t learn about being courageous from daredevils on the news. I didn’t learn about being courageous from gutsy characters in books or on television. I didn’t learn about being courageous from teens who thought yelling at a teacher for no reason meant courage. No. I learned about being courageous from the people I saw stand up for themselves and for others no matter where it may be. I learned about being courageous from the people who risked their lives to save somebody they didn’t know. I learned about being courageous from the men and women who defended our country everyday, sometimes with nothing to show for it.

I've learned about beauty, intelligence, kindness, and courage throughout the years. From my best friends, my brother, band director, or perfect strangers. I didn’t learn about those things through mainstream ways that you find crammed down your throat.

You don't have to learn how to be you through people you don't know. Take a step back and look at those you do, because I'm sure it'll mean more to you when you start seeing those qualities in yourself.

I feel like I’m trapped
Inside my own home

I feel like I’m stuck
With nowhere to roam

Locked up in a jail cell
With nothing but dust

Up the stairs
Down to lunch

Over to gym
And under the rush

The people are rude
The food isn’t kind

And in the darkness
I'm the only one blind

Everyone stares
But I'm nothing new

Work and work
Till my days through

I wanted you
Not in the typical way
I didn't want to
Hold your hand
Or kiss you.
I wanted nothing of the sort

I wanted you
In the most innocent sense
I wanted you to hug me
Bring my tears to a halt
And tuck me in at night

I wanted you to love me
Not in the "you're like a
Daughter" sense,
But in the
"You're my daughter
And I wouldn't trade you
For the world" way.

You've got a beautiful heart
And a beautiful mind
But your beautiful face
You'll have to see in time

As strong as an anchor
As gentle as a feather
When you're with me
I can withstand any weather

The faith you put in me
Must now you withdraw
Have faith in yourself
I have all along

Now use your beautiful heart
And use your beautiful mind
There are far better things ahead
Than any you leave behind.

If you won't love me
The way that I will love you
I will set you free

You lock me up
You break me down

Make me work
Make me frown

1 step forward
But 2 steps back,

Every time,
I feel off track

Get told no
Then get told yes,

Make me feel like
I have to guess

I sit around
Try to behave,

But even then
I'm just your slave

There was once a girl named Caroline. Caroline was very lonely, as she did not have a family, or any friends. Caroline read a lot, which made her feel less lonely, but books couldn't love her back.

One day, Caroline decided she would make friends. She went to school and tried to talk to everyone one who walked by her, but nobody talked to her. She raised her hand, but the teacher wouldn't call on her. She sat alone at lunch, but she was still happy there were tater tots.

When Caroline got home, she went to take a bath, as she was very *****. Before she could turn on the water, a small voice called up to her. "Please don't turn the water on," the voice said, "The water will wash me down the drain!" Caroline thought for a second, and then decided to get a closer look.

When Caroline got closer, she noticed a spider in her bathtub. The spider didn't look scary, like her teachers had always told her they were. This spider looked small and scared. She decided to pick up the spider, rather than wash it down the drain. The small spider began to talk to Caroline very fast.

"Hello, my name is Ivy. Thank you for saving me. I know you must be very scared, but I am not a bad spider. There are some very scary spiders out there, but you don't have to be scared of me." Caroline looked at the spider curiously, and asked why a spider would live in the bathtub. "Well, nobody usually bothers me here. You're the first person to talk to me". Because Caroline didn't have any friends, and because she wanted to help the spider, she asked if Ivy would like to be her friend, and live somewhere with less water. "That would be lovely!" cried Ivy.

Every day, Caroline would come home from school and talk to Ivy and read to her. Caroline came to love Ivy very much, as Ivy always made her smile and laugh, or help her with her homework.

One day, Caroline came home and Ivy wasn't in her normal spot. Caroline went searching for her, but could not find her. Soon, she decided to take a bath. Caroline turned on the water, and then heard a much louder voice than she heard the day she met Ivy. As she looked down she spotted Ivy, avoiding the water.

"How dare you, Caroline! You almost drown me! You should've known I was in the shower!" Caroline was confused. "I'm sorry! I looked for you, but I couldn’t find you, so I came to take a bath. I didn't know you were in the shower!" To that, Ivy responded, "Well, I guess I forgive you, but make sure that you don't do it again."

As weeks went by, Caroline noticed Ivy listened to her stories most of the time, but some days she only pretended to listen. Caroline Blamed herself, because she almost drowned Ivy. Caroline kept reading and telling Ivy about her day, even when she was only pretending to listen.

A few weeks later, Caroline came home to find Ivy missing again. She searched all over for her, even the bathroom where she found her last time, but Ivy was nowhere to be found. Caroline knew it was time for her bath, so she went to the other bathroom, just incase Ivy was in the first bathroom.

When Caroline turned on the water, it ran for a few minutes before she heard a long yell. It was Ivy. She tried to apologize, but Ivy just kept yelling. Caroline turned off the water and tried to pick Ivy up to help her, but Ivy bit Caroline, so Caroline threw her down in pain. "Ow!" said Caroline "You bit me! I didn't mean to hurt you! I didn’t know you were there. I'm sorry. I just wish you would stop sitting in the bathtub…"

With this, Ivy only became more angry. "I was in the bathroom first! Nobody bothered me in here until you came along! This is my space, but you keep ruining it by turning on the water!" Caroline didn't know what to do, so she just started to cry. "I'm sorry Ivy. I just wish you wouldn't sit in the bathtub, because the water may wash you away one day, and I would be very sad to lose you. I love you a lot, Ivy. I'm just scared you might get hurt."

Ivy grumbled and told Caroline to leave her alone, because she didn't want a friend who hurt her like Caroline did. Caroline became very sad, but the spot where Ivy bit her began to hurt a lot, so she had to find somebody to help her.

The next day at school, she showed her teachers where Ivy had bitten her, and they tried to help her, but they only put burn cream on her and told her to wash Ivy down the drain. Caroline loved Ivy, and she did not want her to be washed away, she just wanted her to stop sitting where the water could hurt her. The burn cream didn't help.

After a very long time, Ivy crawled into Caroline's room and told Caroline she was sorry. The spot where Ivy had bit Caroline hurt a lot now, but the teachers would only give her something that didn't help, and hand her a bucket of water. Caroline felt bad for Ivy, so she let her come back into her room.

For the next few days, all was well. But after a week, Ivy was missing again. Caroline found her in the bathroom, so she tried to pick her up, but Ivy just bit Caroline in the same spot again. Caroline threw Ivy down and ran to her bedroom, followed by Ivy's angry voice.

Once again, Caroline told her teachers about Ivy and how she had bitten her in the same spot as last time. The teachers told Caroline they couldn't do anything more than they already had, and they ran out of water. Caroline went home with a very big spider bite, and an even bigger frown on her face.

Caroline was very confused now, because while she loved Ivy very very much, Ivy seemed to only love hurting Caroline. Caroline didn't want to lose Ivy, because Ivy was her first and only friend, but the teachers kept telling her she needed to see a doctor about the spider bite, and she needed to find her own water to wash Ivy away.

Caroline could not go to the doctor right now, because Ivy assured her she was not poisonous, and that she was only imagining the bite being as bad as it was. Caroline tried to stay away from Ivy, but Ivy kept coming into her room and then getting angry and leaving again, but that hurt Caroline too.

After several weeks, Caroline's bite hurt more than it ever had, so she went to the doctor. The doctor told her that it was in fact a spider bite (even though Caroline already knew this), but that only time could heal it.

Caroline went home very sad that day. When she got home, Caroline decided to pack up all of her books and get a bath, no matter if Ivy was in there or not, because Caroline was very *****.

When Caroline turned on the water, Ivy began to yell very loud. Caroline didn't hear her this time though, because she was leaving in an hour and she had to get a bath, and nothing but that mattered. Ivy flowed down the drain with the rest of the ***** water, and Caroline was once again clean.

An hour later, Caroline got onto the bus with her books and smiled, because she was clean again.

Epilogue

A few years later, Caroline looked down at the small scar on her hand where she had been bitten a few years ago. It still hurt every so often, but she knew this was a different kind of pain. The bright lights of the city gleamed down on Caroline and she smiled, because no spider was too big for her in a big city.