I'm in a much better mood today.
A better, clearer state of mind.
I have a lot to look forward to.
All of my stresses will be gone soon.
I'm almost 21, it's spring time, I have my dream car, and a great job that provides all of this for me.
I'm lucky.
It's hard, but sometimes you have to look past all of your problems and find the good.
It's exhausting to be sad all the time anyway.
Things work out.
It gets better.
Just keep going, keep trying.
Splurge on yourself a little.
Because life is good.

I'm having myself a beer tasting, well drinking party for one.

Angry orchards are good everyone.

I have three candles lit on my coffee table,
The Late Show plays in the background.

Wait, are those beers?

I have some smokes, and ****,
and I feel good on a Monday night.

I've got a buzz.
I had to rewrite this part three times.
Ha-ha.

I plan to keep it going.

Thinking about him is like looking over a gate
through the opening of the trees that leads
out to a field.
I’m in here.
He’s out there.
He waves and turns to walk away.
And with him goes all the years and
all the time we spent together.
But it’s a nice day.
The sun is shining and there’s a slight breeze.
I don’t know how something so
beautiful could feel so sad.

I hate myself because I destroy my own happiness.
I can feel it in the pit of my stomach, this unwelcome rage that is like boiling water bubbling over the edge of a ***.
I’ve always found it fitting that my zodiac sign is the Taurus because sometimes I can be so stubborn, I won’t budge.
I can gleefully sit and watch everything burn around me but then instantly regret it as I am left in the ashes wondering
what happened?!


Nobody brings me down better than I do.

Man it's gonna **** me if he ever goes back to Cali, to the state that's always warm, where palm trees grow and he doesn't ask me to come with him.
And I have to stay here in Ohio in the state that's mostly cold, where the only thing that grows is loneliness because he didn't ask me to come with him.

I keep thinking about
how I wasn’t planning on
being here,
right now.
And I’m kind of annoyed
that I am because
I am still in pain.
So I’m sitting in my car
at the park,
looking up out of
the sun roof into the
leaves that become
bright green when the sun
hits them.

It is a beautiful day.
The first day of Summer.

I drove to an empty church parking lot
and cried in my car.
It was a moment of weakness,
of missing someone I loved not
too long ago.
It’s weird how beautiful days
make me sad,
I hate being alone when the sun
is shining.
I caved and I texted him that I
acknowledge he turns 29 in about 24 hrs.
I asked him if he had any plans,
He said the same old ****.
I replied, sounds about right.
And then my golden retriever boy
texted me saying he can’t wait to watch
hockey with me tomorrow.
So sweet and pure.
It made me stop missing that rain cloud
I loved so much.
Just because things are so different
doesn’t mean they’re so bad.
I have never been patient
but I am trying to be.
Good things come with time
at least that’s what they say.

Sometimes
I put on a few
drops of the perfume he
bought me for
Valentine’s Day.
The one where he took me
to an Italian place
because he knows spaghetti
is my comfort food.
We were genuinely happy
that day.

Even though maybe
just two weeks before
he slapped me during
an argument,
and two weeks later he would
break up with me.

And I would try to break
the bottle of perfume
on the bathroom floor
and swear I’d never
smell it again.
But sometimes,
I still put it on.

We went to the pizza place where we had our first date.
A restaraunt called Marion’s that’s been there forever.
The carpet has a neon palm leaves pattern and the decor is “Italian.”
It doesn’t quite make sense.
We have been back a few times before
but I always love going there with him.
We had our usual pizza, and two pitchers of beer and once the buzz kicked in we talked like we did that first time.
He asked me,
“Are you a happy peacher?”
Smiling at my favorite nickname I said yes.
The rest of the evening was spent gossiping the way only couples do and making each other laugh.
When we got home I dipped into the bathroom and got ready for work until he came in and picked me up; carrying me to the living room to watch Bob’s Burgers.
We smoked a bowl and cuddled on the couch until I had to leave.
It’s always hard to go to work after a day like that, which included beautiful spring weather.
But getting to kiss him good bye always helps.

Heat lightening flickers furiously in the night sky as I walk up the hill to the pizza place.
I pass by the bar and can hear music blaring from inside.
A man who is clearly drunk is outside on his cellphone.
It sounds like he's talking to a girl.
I walk inside the brightly lit store and walk up to the counter.
A guy has his back to me as he's taking an order on the phone.
Finally after what feels like forever he gets my pizza, I pay, and leave.
I begin walking back down the dark sidewalk away from the lights and the people.
I know that I could step inside that bar and meet someone.
Not even a guy like that, just someone to talk to.
But I don't want to.
Tonight I will eat pizza in bed alone and watch Girls.

My ex FaceTimed me
from Alaska the other day.
Cheerful and
slightly drunk.
Telling me all about
his new adventure.
He saw me smiling
at him and he said,
“Such a pretty girl,
look at you.”
I bashfully rejected
the idea and he said
“Give yourself some credit.”

I agreed only to stop
him from continuing
but I wondered why
is it,
when after the relationship
is dead and gone,
do the men I once craved
attention like that from
finally dish it out so freely.

I like when we’re
cuddled up like puppies,
arms and legs draped
over the other.
I like when he reaches
for my hand and
guides me around
so I’m not on the outside
of the sidewalk
but continues holding it
while he smokes
with the other.
I watched him quietly fill up
two pages with different
drawings and I wondered
what inspired each one.
His Art is usually dark
and distorted,
or goofy like
The bean man.
A wild bean with arms and legs
that wears a bandana,
smokes cigarettes
and causes chaos.
I like petting his hair,
something he had to get used to
because “no other girl had
ever done that before.”
But he’s so cute,
and scruffy like a dog
that I can’t help myself.
I’m still learning how he
operates,
which is mostly in silence
but I’m starting
to understand that
the quiet can be comfortable too.

Days feel like months,
so breaking down crying in the
kitchen while I make ramen
noodles
was not what I thought I’d
be doing.
I haven’t cried in over 24 hours.
I felt great yesterday.
I even took a few selfies
and posted them.
But now I am sick in bed,
literally and I can’t stop
thinking about him.
I don’t want to do this forever.
Like somewhere in the back of my head
I think there’s a finish line,
and we’ll come back together.
But there’s not this time.
This is it.
My best friend will become
someone else’s best friend and
he won’t think of me anymore.

I'm sitting here in bed staring out my window.
I'm awake but I don't want to be.

I've got him and a song running through my head.
Wondering if he ever thinks like this about me.

Maybe once.

It would mean everything if he did.

I just want to be who he thinks of when he hears a love song because he's all that appears for me.

I'm smoking **** hoping it will make me tired enough to go back to bed.
I don't want to be awake in the cover of night time anymore.

I just turned on that song and lit a cigarette. I think after it's done I'll lay down again.

I want to cry
an actual river.
One that creates an
eco system
and attracts wild life
and nature lovers.
Make it just quick
and deep enough that
people can paddle down it
without too much strain.
They could call
it weeping willow river
and tell the fable
of the girl it’s based on.

One day,
a very sad woman
came here and
she sat so long and
cried so much
that she created a river
of tears.
No one really knows
what caused that kind
of pain,
and I don’t think
she did either.