This morning before the sun came up the two of us fell asleep on the couch after work, cuddled very close together with the dog at our feet.
A bag of ****, a bowl, a half empty bottle of water and a candle on the coffee table.
A show I can’t remember played softly on the Tv.
At some point he woke up and said, come on as he picked me up and carried me to bed, our pup trailing behind him.

I received news today that a possible buyer is coming to look at my apartment on Tuesday and if they want to buy then I have about 60 days to get out.
This sent my brain in a spiral of worry and sadness.
I cried because that's not a lot of time and I'm broke and because I will miss my apartment so bad and everything it represents.
Independence, home, struggle, power, freedom, mine.
My boyfriend and I sat down and tried to figure out what to do.
He texted one of his friends who's been looking to move as well and we decided to all get a place together.
It's literally such an early phase.
I don't know if I will HAVE to move yet or if moving in with a friend will actually happen.
But it excites me.
A change. A real change.
Possibly less stress because it won't be all on my shoulders anymore.
I might actually get some help.
I might save some money.
It's hard to imagine all of this right now.
But, my heart is hopeful that this will be positive.
And my heart is sad to leave the place I've called home and worked my *** off for, for three years.

It's hard to work when you are crying.
My eyes were blurry with tears.
Miss Ohio by Miranda Lambert played through my headphones and I couldn't stop myself.
I don't want to leave my home.
Not yet.
He messaged me and said,
I'm sorry to hear about all of that. You'll figure it out though, one day at a time.
Reading those words made me have to stop and sit down on the floor.
Sobbing as quietly as I could.
It kind of feels like I lost, or I failed.
Like my worst nightmare came true.
I feel like I should be able to save myself, fix this on my own.
But, I do need help.
I know moving could be great, but it's not easy to say good bye to the life I worked so hard for.
Everything has happened in that apartment.
I became an adult there,
my mom called and woke me up to the news that my nephew was being born there.
A part of me will always live in that house.
I wanted to leave when I was ready.

If you have a pet,
you know that the bond
created between the two of you,
is a connection you never make with a person.
Total and complete trust.
When I clip her toe nails,
check her ears,
and give her a bath,
she knows I am taking care of her.
She leans against me and let's me do what I have to.
When I get home from work
she cheers as she emerges from her cage,
running and wiggling
straight for her bowl; ready for dinner.
She knows I will always come back.
When I'm sad, and crying.
Or so sick I can't leave the bathroom,
she comes around and lays her head in my lap,
and licks my hands and face.
I know she came into my life when I needed it most,
one of the most memorable times of my life.

I knew it was over
by the time he finally
laid down next to me.
Very far away.
So I left the necklace
I always wear on his table.
As a question or a test.
See if he notices
that I never come back for it.

He hasn’t worn its match
in months anyway.

I feel like if I were anyone other than me,
he would like me enough that we would be a couple by now.

I just realized I will be
spending New Year’s Eve
without him.
Going into the future
completely confused
and alone.
It’s not the first one we’ve spent
apart and it won’t be the last.
But this one feels different
because it’s coming only
a week after he left me again.
And again, for good this time
I think.
Even if he comes back I can no
longer trust him with my heart.
He is so reckless and selfish
with it, only wanting to
amend it when it’s convenient.
I will be starting the new year
without him
but I think it’s a good thing.

2019.
Hope for good things, good changes, happiness and for working out and eating right so I can have cute little abs for summer.

He came over when I got off work and kissed me on the cheek.
He took me out to lunch and held my hand in Wal-Mart before buying me a pair of work out shoes.
I smoked my last cigarette in a pack this morning and have only been vaping since.
I fell asleep cuddled next to him on the couch and when I woke up we had ***.
For dinner he made me a "disgusting" smoothie with blueberries, strawberries, broccoli, kale, green tea, and a few other things I didn't recognize.
And then I went to work and kissed him before leaving him in my apartment.
It's so strangely nice and he's been such a good influence on me it feels like I'm watching someone else's life.
I am tired, but I think I'm actually happy

As I’m laying on
the front porch fold out chair
I’m looking at the house
next door.
It’s beautiful and mature
under the full moon,
clouds racing by.
Looks comfortable and safe.
Warm.
I wonder if the
woman who
lives there ever sleeps on
the porch too,
to get away from
the man inside.

I went to the bar by myself.
My favorite one that’s
right by the railroad tracks
and has a big red neon
light that shines the name
of the joint.
I had a shot of fireball
and a miller light
and wasted my money
on touch tunes.
No man,
just ones in my inbox.
About to finish this beer and
head home.
Just drunk enough,
to enjoy music and a
cigarette.
I love Wednesdays.

I don’t want to let you in
because I already know how it ends.

I should have
put in the work
instead of looking
for an easy out.
I don’t want any more
chemicals in my brain
or my body.
I want to know that what
I’m feeling is real,
and it’s me.
I genuinely can’t say that
I’m happier now,
in fact I was sent into
a manic episode which
hasn’t occurred in years.
I want to sleep,
eat, drink and be merry.

I'm gonna write down whatever I want.
I love Charles Bukowski. I would've been one of those girls who crawled through his window and drank whiskey with him before letting him **** them.
I laughed because I'm drinking at 6:44 a.m.
I swear I'm not crazy.
It's still dark outside.
I'm buzzed and that makes me chain smoke.
That's why I could never stop smoking. Drinking. It just feels so good together.
I'm pulling on my hair. Oh no. Today I felt really down about it. I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. I have no bangs left.
This isn't a poem. It's just nonsense. Sorry.

We did such normal mundane couple things together.
We walked through Habitat for Humanity looking for a coffee table, and I commented on things that would or wouldn't fit the room, and all the cute little things I liked.
We drove to Greenville to get an air conditioner and got caught in a downpour, both of us highly uncomfortable with how little we could see.
We chatted about our families and the wild things we did as teenagers.
He went and picked up **** from his friend and on the way back to his house it began raining again.
He let the windshield get completely covered with water and we laughed at how risky it was.
I covered my eyes with my hands, laughing, saying oh my god, I can't look.
When we got back we smoked 2 joints and continued talking about our younger selves, and how I was sad to move.
When I asked him a question about what made him slow down and become more reserved he paused for a long time, I could tell he was debating on how to answer until he said,
"I don't know if I want to tell you yet."
I said, that's totally fine. There are things about me I don't want you to know yet either.
It was getting late and I knew I should go so we walked outside together and he hugged me.
I drove home feeling like I was leaving one life and going back to another.
And I really didn't want to.

Sometimes,
well quite frequently actually.
I wonder if I'm depressed.
Oddly enough,
I don't know for sure.
Even on the best day,
I feel sad.
Anxious; always thinking about
tomorrow.
I am always tired.
Like, so much so that I am almost sure I could sleep for a week.
I love my job,
but I don't.
I hate being alone,
but I also don't like being around people.
I don't know if these feelings are just normal, something everyone feels.
Or if it's just me.

I felt a warm breeze on my back, maybe a perfect 75 degrees. The sky was a little cloudy but I could still see the stars. I was sitting on a broken bench smoking a cigarette, watching the fireworks that someone was setting off a block away. Fireflies danced just above the grass and it was quiet, only the faint sound of light traffic in town. And I was alone. But I was happy to be. Normally I wouldn’t sit outside in the dark by myself because I don’t want to become a true crime story but it was so nice out. Then the fireworks stopped and I finished the cigarette so I slowly made my way back to the door of my apartment building and went inside.

He made it clear
that he intends to
set down roots
in a place that
is barely enough
for one,
let alone two.
I noticed he avoided words
like “we” when talking
about the future
and I realized that I
still don’t fit in.

I couldn’t eat for
2 months.
My appetite just disappeared.
I lost weight really fast.
My belt became too big.
Usually food is my comfort,
I have spent many many nights
getting to the bottom of a bag
or having just one more slice.
So when the idea of food became
nauseating and my stomach just stopped
growling, it was weird.
I have never experienced heart break
like that.
It really is as bad as all the sappy poems say.
When you’re broken, even your favorite food
can’t comfort you.

I woke up angry.
None of this is right.
It’s all wrong.
I’m done with the universe *******
with me,
giving me little hits of serotonin
only to end up smashing my face
in the dirt.
So I dealt with it the only way anyone with the same blood as me knows how.
I stopped by a gas station at 9:30 in the morning
and grabbed 2 shots of liquor.
I downed the first one and a big swig of the next.
I’m sitting in the lobby of my therapist’s office
waiting to tell her how ****** everything has been since last I saw her.
Sorry my breath smells.

The ground is literally sparkling,
not just
because a light frost
is reflecting off the sun.
I just tip toed into my parents house
with huge pupils and messy hair
wearing someone else’s Halloween shirt
that says, Let’s get smashed.

But at least I wasn’t driving.

I’ve always struggled with feeling like I don’t belong anywhere.
That I’m taking up space in a room;
I’m only there because of the person I’m with, nobody cares about my presence.
Everyone feels like a stranger to me just a bit.
When I’m low I don’t have anyone to bring me up because nobody knows how to.
The third wheel, tagalong who always shows up late and leaves early.

Sometimes I feel such
painful, deep sadness that I want
to scream but because I am an adult
I just scream inside my head.
That’s not crazy right?
Yeah I’m totally fine.

Ohio sunsets in late summer are amazing.

The sky becomes cotton candy with pinks and blues and the temperature begins to drop.
The clouds swirl and stretch.
You can hear a train in the distance with a faint breeze.
It feels great to drive around with the windows down and listen to music.

Ohio sunsets in late summer are amazing.

Sometimes I can find joy
and peace in my small existence.
I wake up and make my coffee,
grab my backpack and head to the
gym.
I go to my office job
and laugh with my coworkers.
I come home and build a fire,
hauling wood across the yard.
I make dinner for one and have a beer.
I pack my yellow pipe
and watch YouTube before I go to bed.
And I almost eat this up.
It’s so simple and quiet,
not speaking out loud for hours.
It’s just me, and my pet fish
in this old house.

It doesn’t get easier
with time.
You just learn how to deal
with the pain.