“I don’t belong here” I think
Hearing the stories
Of people who have broken
Way beyond repair
Yet they smile at me
And welcome my pain.
All I see is tender hearts
And determined minds
they are completely whole
they are the ugly truth
we are just alcoholics
one drink away from touching the sun.

I’m afraid to speak ever again
for the words lining my tongue
are no longer sweet and polite
I rage with hatred
I sob with regret
and these bones they crumble
under the weight of my past
You will not find forgiveness
In this shell of a body
the essence of me lazily occupies
You will not find any remnants
of the sun that shined in my smile
My feet, they are so heavy,
crushing saplings of hope
before they have a chance to sprout
I leave chaos in my wake
and my tears have frozen in the winter wind
permanently remaining on my face
no longer able to hold the emotions within.

It all becomes unwritten
Memories of smiles erased
Moments shared replaced
Sheets changed and detergent new
Let’s leave all the haunting in June.

Dear Mia,

I don’t know where I’d be without you. Perhaps a thousand more scars would line my thighs and decorate my arms. You gave me something to distract myself with when I thought a blade was the only way to punish myself.

Mia, oh how you came to me at dinner every night like a reliable friend. Reminding me to take sips between bites and chew my food to oblivion. Instructing me like a caring guide on all the right positions to make me sick faster and get everything out. You’d make sure I mouthwashed every night and knew I slept better with the ache of an empty stomach.

But you also left my knuckles raw from the scraping of my teeth. And when I rid of my stomachs contents the headaches I’d get were immensely painful. My heartbeat so fast I couldn’t move for fear of fainting. Constantly checking my breath for halitosis and the fear of eating in public. My family should hire me instead of a plumber having to clean out drains so often when I felt more deserving than the porcelain toilet bowl.

You took a lot out of me Mia. You’re absolutely no good for the dreams my heart holds anymore. And although your shadow will always flicker during meals, I won’t let you be a solid spirit in my life.

-Goodbye✌
P. S. Tell Ana she’s next

I drink a lot these early mornings
6am and the crack of a hard cider
cuts through the still empty morning haze
bottle caps fill my sink clogging the drain
When does the fog clear?

I woke up wondering
Where the sadness
ever present on my shoulders
disappeared to this week

I am never just me
I arrive with this body
that contains my soul
and along with it comes
A broken ugly shivering creature.

I take her everywhere with me
Feeding her unsettling aura
Cleaning the debris that falls off her
Combing through her matted hair
Dressing up her bruises and bandages
Apologizing for her smell of despair

I wonder if perhaps I left her home from time to time
Would she wail and wait at my door
For me to return, and then cling on once more
Or would she understand the unwanted  
Grief and pain she holds burdens me
and take her leave

I fear most days I let her walk through rooms first
Drifting after her, much like a ghost being forced to haunt

I am me
and she is her
for now.
Although
I wonder if it’s only her
people see

My pillowcase has become just a towel
All the tears snot and blood
Making a mess of the sheets
I wonder how long your betrayal
Will claw out of my chest and assault me.

red fat drops mix with the condensation
Lining the “Jamaican Me Happy ” Seagram’s
I clench loosely in my right hand
Anger shifting in the depths of my stomach
It’s hard to believe I wasn’t always violent.

Like my pair of safety scissors
I leave the mesh on my window intact
My outlets remain hidden in their covers
My keys tucked away in a different drawer each day.
The pills down the toilet drain only to be bought over and over again.
The razors tossed out after a longing caress
My weighted blanket anchoring me to my bed
Pulling all the stops to keep my mind from repeating “I’d be better off dead”.

I shake the carton
two crumpled cigs
Slide out into your palms
We laugh at the ridiculousness
Knowing we’ll need to make a stop-
Perhaps our last midnight adventure
Lighting one each to bide our insatiable thirst
I watch your jawline through the smoke
Tense, tongue holding back words
I already know in my heart.
We won’t survive this one
Together or apart,
Death has come for us.
I lean against the light post
Smile hinting at my lips
It brings me peace knowing
Your lips don’t want to say the truth
For once, perhaps we thought
Living could be for us.

Pink, neatly sorted into a wooden block
The golden rimmed knives glint and gleam
I yearn and yearn to no longer be clean.

the taste melts on my tongue
little bits of crunch between my teeth
it pains me this very piece
won’t slide across the table
making your eyes glossy with delight

his eyes flash
and I know
uninterested
minds when
I see them

Because sometimes self care is
Accounting for the food
Bulimia is going to take away from you
And stocking up on extra just in case
Anorexia keeps you hungry for days

My hand is on your chest
Our bodies still leaning
Into a loosened hug
I feel the breath
Escape your lungs
And your eyes on mine
Mirroring the question in my heart
“This forever please?”

“I really like you” I say
Sheepish grin stealing away
On my face, only illuminated
By the streetlights and other passing cars
“Thank you” he says, grinning back
“I like you too”

I watch the reflections of colors
Reflected in your twinkling eyes
Your arms loose around her waist,
confident, not afraid to lose her.
We used to dance around each other
A flurry of worries and many sorrys
Too scared to upset one another
Or step on toes that had already been hurt before
The heat hasn’t left my heart
It sparks when you look my way
The warmth between my legs
is what I wish the most would go away
But here in this moment
There is no stoking the fire between you and I
I’m content just watching head tilted high
A couple humans watching the sky come alive.

it’s not going to work is it?
all the times I dry the tears off my face
The ***** from my chin
The blood from my limbs
I fear I will lose the fight to stay alive
And all my efforts will be nothing more
Than drawing out the pain.

a seed from a bouquet of forget me nots
the smell of tangerines waft in the air
a round full stomach, I think of
the baby that should have been there
instead the tissues drip red and black
towels underneath and heartbeats falling flat
I knew even if I made a deal with the devil
to try and secure your life it would be to no avail
but why oh why did it have to come to this
my hands my arms an empty abyss

bottle of birthday wine
shots taken hold the lime  
blacking out
to feel love
one last time
woke up in the morning
anger marring his cheeks
a hickey left on his neck
and theres girls at work he’s
been working on for weeks
covered it up said goodbye
when the door closed
popped as many pills as I could find
made sure the hope in me properly died
so there’d be nothing left of me
just empty so empty inside.

it must be nice all holed up
in a very full home
not wanting for anything
except what you’ve crushed
and ripped apart with
your own two uncontrollable hands

it must be nice to sit and play
forget the young girl you’ve led astray
having taken her innocence and will to pray
surely the devil was given a break
when you were born that wretched day

It must be nice to sleep in a bed
No worries or thoughts of what you did
On that very same mattress you lay your head
only thoughts of wanting to be dead
not even man enough to apologize instead.

It must be nice to be you.
The angry voice inside of me screams
But I know.
The suffering is shared by you too.
Forever shading our past
The deepest shade of blue.

I didn’t mind flying too close to the sun for you
If I’m being honest I knew my wings were on fire
I set them ablaze before I jumped off the cliff
I just wanted to fall
Fall with your eyes in sight
And warmth in mind
I wanted to fall and crash and burn
Dying for someone
Is always much easier than choosing to live

My dad tells me people have been
Dying often these days
Not just people, but
Distant uncles I mostly knew
Through phone calls, odd gifts, and stiff hugs
Just a year or two age difference
some older
a lot have been younger.

My dad tells me my oldest brother called-
I haven’t seen him in over ten years.
He seems so out of touch and hard to understand
it’s like we’ve lost him to the bloodline madness.

“I don’t want to lose you too” my dad tells me
the words tumbling out of his mouth
he hesitates, regretting the brief display of emotion

There’s nothing more I want
than to be lost

You would sit for a bit longer at the table
gazing back into my wide eyes
Your smile would widen to match mine
and I’d be able to lose myself
Without all the white lines

I’m six years old again
And home alone
calmly convincing myself
No one can reach me here
On the floor hiding behind clothes
Crying in the dark
It’s like I never left

The neighbor watches
As my face contorts in pain again
He waits to see what I reach for
The pain meds that don’t really work
Or a pillow to drown out my sobs
Sometimes I see his kids little hands
Peeking through the curtains
I wonder if they all wonder
What the hell is wrong with me.

Do we kiss in your dreams?
Hug until we forget where we end?
Do your arms ache for the shadows?
Knowing I’m lurking just a few streets away.
Its you I’m holding in my drunken dreams
When I awake and your spot is empty
I can’t help but cry out in disbelief
It’s you I’m longing for
Is it,
Is it just me?

I want a release
A time for my mind
To not feel so guilty  
A time my heart does not
want to bust out of my chest
Or if my heart does want to explode
Let it be with the gleeful happiness
That comes from a hallucinogenic high
Let the pain slip away my hips
Find the rhythm they fell out of touch with
Several years and years ago
Let my glazed eyes feel the sunrise in an
Abandoned alleyway without knowing where I am
Let me never worry again about family
About the pitfalls of love
Let me join you uncle
In a ditch chasing the high
This world only gives to the users
I was always so disappointed in you
Wiping out just like that .
You promised you were clean
But it seems our hearts are just one and the same.

no this feeling in my chest
rips me apart blood pools
in all crevices of my body
I scream until my voice is hoarse
cry until ***** joins my sobs
ache from sleeping on the floor
being unable to climb into bed
this is ruination
the only thing that was truly
ever between us.

The way you no longer
Spend every moment seeking out
The one you love
Once they’ve confirmed they’re yours
They way each second is just a second
Instead of another second with them
There was a time you pined to share the same air
And now you walk past without a hello
knowing they’ll be meeting you at home later

I realize- a little late
As the road continues
I only take the pathways
I can handle alone

I burn in the shower remembering
When I was coming to from anesthesia
faint memory of hands and my drugged protest
deep slumber and the thought
“why won’t he just stop?”
and him saying
“I did stop, after awhile”

I am my fathers daughter
the same way some boys are
cut from the same cloth
malignant entitled *******
stunted from ever becoming
men capable of so much more
As I wait for news of your death
the flint in my eyes
mirrors my fathers
when he begged me to **** myself
understand the way I understand
I am my fathers daughter
a life must be paid

We need you to call someone right now
Do you have someone to call who can come get you?
No no no one at all.
I did.
I had someone.
Someone was supposed to be here.
Someone promised me.
They promised.
They’d be here.
They’d take care of me.
Please.
Please don’t bother anyone.
I’m fine.
Let me go.
I have no address to give you
I belong to no location
Everything I own is in there.
Please don’t touch my stuff.
That’s all that’s left of my home.
The last shreds of my sanity
Please don’t take it all away.
Today I woke up hopeful for a good day.

let my sorrow take
control of me
and my body
to slip away
peacefully
let the meadows
turn my blues green
and the wind
unknot the ties
of my stomachache  
have the rain cleanse
my impurities
the dirt cover me
like a mountain of sins
lay me to rest
i am empty within

he didn’t simply hold my hand
instead he cradled it between
both of his as if I was made
to be handled with care.
I didn’t dare tell him
I’ve been broken
so many times
It’s too late
to be gentle

no need for more breaths
no need to keep score
what’s done is done
I don’t want to hurt anymore