life goes stale
misery circles in
black and grays
replacing the vividness
smells wafting from the fridge  
i just know rotten milk awaits

I lay beside you
your arm tucked
tight against my chest
I know I am dreaming
But I swear your heartbeat
is really beating and I’m warm
Under your small breaths
I don’t have to move the blanket
the asleep version of me
instantly knows it’s you.
I feel the empty rage in my heart from
betrayals that haven’t been forgotten
but also the warm love
That I only ever feel for you
it’s emanating from deep within
The same spot that convinced me
You were my true home  

In my dream we weren’t hoping
To be back in love together
There were no puppy thoughts
Or sappy feelings
The bad stuff had still happened
And we were not thinking of forever

But when our eyes would meet
They would echo with deep respect
The type that comes after truly
Destroying one another and
Healing apart
There was true forgiveness.
But most importantly
There was
You.

Do I tell her?
about the pills that I hide
the lighter in my pocket
the razor handles missing blades
my inability to look in the mirror
the words I write across my thighs
the bald spot in the back of my head

How do I tell her?
I have consumed insanity
And this is who we have become.

Secrets may be kept quite
But they echo loudly within those
That were harmed.

I beg each doctor to tell me what’s wrong
“He said I’m crazy that I need help that I’m mentally insane.
Tell me please what parts of me i shouldn’t retain”
They stare at me with pity in their eyes
only to always give out the same lies
“The love you feel is a symptom from your mom.
You know death waits for no one you’ve known this for long.
Each interaction, every conversation, you treat it as if it’s your last.
Nothings wrong with you dear.
You love hard because you know what it means to lose someone fast.”
They won’t tell me the truth
They won’t fix me
Only asking why the blame
Must solely rest on me.
It has to be my fault.
Doesn’t it?

I float
Between destinations
My physical body
Worn down and aching
My spiritual side nonexistent
I fear they’ve crossed over
And have left me here
An empty bag of bones
Arriving at your door.

They are taking me somewhere today
To the store to get those supplies
I promised I would never buy
My total only adding up to $23.45
If only I had the courage to actually die.

I wish I meant the world to someone
Everyone means so much to me
Their comfort their peace their happiness
But no one has seen my soul and decided
That it needs love and happiness as well.
What’s wrong with me?
Why am I so unlovable?
Why does everyone hate me as much as I do and even more?
I thought.
I really thought.
I could mean something to someone.
But I remain a stone unturned.
A falling tree unheard.
A soul that can’t be loved.

If I could bottle the sureness
That washes over my body
At the thought of coffee shops
and late nights with pouring rain
Your hat weaving through the crowd,
To perch across from me,
We wouldn’t need to talk.
You’d just know.
The certainty in my bones
the desire in my clenched thighs.
Trilling my fingers on the table
Not from fear but to add to the tune
Humming and whistling through my heart.

The way my eyes soften scanning your face
mentally tracing the indents of crows feet,
searching for any worry I can smooth away,
and dipping low to see if your mouth is just as hungry.
Resting my jean-clad legs against your own.
Warmth and comfort beyond the hot chocolate
Edging my lips and coating your tongue.

we are fine
you are the only one
losing her mind.
How?
Please tell me how to be okay?
It’s been months and I still don’t know
how to feel okay today.
My body aches
I hurt as much on the outside as within
Blood pours from my throat
And drips down my legs.
The fire has extinguished from within
And my lighter hasn’t been
Able to burn itself in.
I haven’t been okay.
I don’t know how.

There’s a gaping hole in my chest
Proof I’ve loved, a massacre on my boots
I brace a hand hoping it’ll be enough
Hoping I will be enough

I wonder if all the men
who look in my direction
Have left a girl curled
in her bathtub demanding
from god a sweet merciful death
boiling their skin and passing out
to thoughts that won’t melt away.

You became the very thing
That drove your mother to madness