For a long time I took refuge in you
Nothing mattered except my tear stained cheeks
And heart palpitations from grief
The throw up bottle in my car
For when my stomach wanted to be as empty as my arms.
The brands on my legs to stop keep myself from crying.
Now I choose me.
And whoever I am with you
Bringing melancholy to my every step.
Let your reach spread into my new memories
Paint a world showing the impossible pursuit of happiness.
I will not fight you off.
I will be your comforting friend.
The hug the others refuse to give you.
Come sadness.
Let us take steps forward.
Afraid and sad.
Together.

I don’t want to get lost in the semantics
Darling go ahead and break my heart
I already told the moon I’d forgive you

It’s a heavy weight to carry,
This life you gave me,
In exchange for your own.
I don’t mean to be ungrateful
when I sob to you
“I don’t want to keep on living either”

My grief turned twenty-one years old
So I took it out with me,
ordered enough drinks for two
and ended my night telling her gravestone
I really needed her to just come back to me.

in the same way bones break,
to protect our vitality.
perhaps hearts must break,
to protect our humanity.

please please please please
help me
i am not okay
I don’t know why my life falls apart
I lost my only good luck charm
I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.
please somebody save me
the floor is full of holes
I’m falling. I’m falling. I’m falling.
please. please. please.
the devil has a hold on me.
god hasn’t heard my prayers.
please.
is there someone who can rescue me?

It seems impossible my heart
was not meant to sink into yours  
The odds, the signs, fate itself
why couldn’t it all mean us

it’s my birthday and I’m 17 again
red dripping down my wrists
thighs aching from my biggest masterpiece
throat raw from leftovers and forgotten promises
no one remembers
no one ever remembers

just because I know
not to repeat the same silly decisions,
doesn’t mean I wish they weren’t made
You see
I do not regret
The love I gave
The love I found
The love I lost
It all returns

Blood dripping onto my pillows
As I try to escape this reality
The colorful pill diet
Waterboarding me between sleep
And an existential crisis.
I think a demon will come in tomorrow
He’ll probably be wearing a suit and tie
Maybe he’ll sit down for some coffee
And we’ll make pleasantries as the day goes by.
Oh there I’m wandering again.
My mind is slipping.
Hysteria has got me in her cage.
I hope I can hang on enough
To cull my life before I lose
More of myself in the rubble of this brick and mortar.

I don’t see a way out of this one
Except down
Down
Down
Down.

Another fall
No one to save me no one to call
I just want to end it all.

Light brown, dusted with specks
Of mischief and kindness.
I don’t dare blink.
Soaking in every second
Our gazes continue to meet.

my heart trembles,
I don’t tell her no.
Instead I point my feet
in your direction
and drink in the kindness
pooling in your eyes.

Thoughts of you consume me
Igniting a path of desire
I almost beg you to follow
With those calloused fingertips
My breath quickens
Hands between my thighs
Quivering with delight
Who should have the first taste?
Is it you or shall I?

sometimes we don’t survive
we don’t live to tell our story
we don’t live to change our fate

life goes stale
misery circles in
black and grays
replacing the vividness
smells wafting from the fridge  
i just know rotten milk awaits

the elephants stand
woven from weeds
four have been chosen
forced to leave
their great migration.

I keep them company
Rooted in one spot
It seems I am waiting for you
It’s a small city so I’m sure
You’re just around the corner

The sun has shone and hid
Multiple times between clouds
Fluffy and stark white against
An endless Texas blue sky
Your hat nowhere to be seen
Bobbing through the park
I’ve begun to lose hope.

I lay beside you
your arm tucked
tight against my chest
I know I am dreaming
But I swear your heartbeat
is really beating and I’m warm
Under your small breaths
I don’t have to move the blanket
the asleep version of me
instantly knows it’s you.
I feel the empty rage in my heart from
betrayals that haven’t been forgotten
but also the warm love
That I only ever feel for you
it’s emanating from deep within
The same spot that convinced me
You were my true home  

In my dream we weren’t hoping
To be back in love together
There were no puppy thoughts
Or sappy feelings
The bad stuff had still happened
And we were not thinking of forever

But when our eyes would meet
They would echo with deep respect
The type that comes after truly
Destroying one another and
Healing apart
There was true forgiveness.
But most importantly
There was
You.

Do I tell her?
about the pills that I hide
the lighter in my pocket
the razor handles missing blades
my inability to look in the mirror
the words I write across my thighs
the bald spot in the back of my head

How do I tell her?
I have consumed insanity
And this is who we have become.

Secrets may be kept quite
But they echo loudly within those
That were harmed.

I beg each doctor to tell me what’s wrong
“He said I’m crazy that I need help that I’m mentally insane.
Tell me please what parts of me i shouldn’t retain”
They stare at me with pity in their eyes
only to always give out the same lies
“The love you feel is a symptom from your mom.
You know death waits for no one you’ve known this for long.
Each interaction, every conversation, you treat it as if it’s your last.
Nothings wrong with you dear.
You love hard because you know what it means to lose someone fast.”
They won’t tell me the truth
They won’t fix me
Only asking why the blame
Must solely rest on me.
It has to be my fault.
Doesn’t it?

I float
Between destinations
My physical body
Worn down and aching
My spiritual side nonexistent
I fear they’ve crossed over
And have left me here
An empty bag of bones
Arriving at your door.

They are taking me somewhere today
To the store to get those supplies
I promised I would never buy
My total only adding up to $23.45
If only I had the courage to actually die.

I wish I meant the world to someone
Everyone means so much to me
Their comfort their peace their happiness
But no one has seen my soul and decided
That it needs love and happiness as well.
What’s wrong with me?
Why am I so unlovable?
Why does everyone hate me as much as I do and even more?
I thought.
I really thought.
I could mean something to someone.
But I remain a stone unturned.
A falling tree unheard.
A soul that can’t be loved.

If I could bottle the sureness
That washes over my body
At the thought of coffee shops
and late nights with pouring rain
Your hat weaving through the crowd,
To perch across from me,
We wouldn’t need to talk.
You’d just know.
The certainty in my bones
the desire in my clenched thighs.
Trilling my fingers on the table
Not from fear but to add to the tune
Humming and whistling through my heart.

The way my eyes soften scanning your face
mentally tracing the indents of crows feet,
searching for any worry I can smooth away,
and dipping low to see if your mouth is just as hungry.
Resting my jean-clad legs against your own.
Warmth and comfort beyond the hot chocolate
Edging my lips and coating your tongue.

we are fine
you are the only one
losing her mind.
How?
Please tell me how to be okay?
It’s been months and I still don’t know
how to feel okay today.
My body aches
I hurt as much on the outside as within
Blood pours from my throat
And drips down my legs.
The fire has extinguished from within
And my lighter hasn’t been
Able to burn itself in.
I haven’t been okay.
I don’t know how.

the hurt you are capable of?
the true shadows of your soul?
do you honestly feel worthy of love?
Do you not feel the guilt and shame
as sludge on your boots, keeping you
Rooted in a puddle of self loathing?
Perhaps hurricanes have come and will come
To wash away your sins and blow away
The memory of your past misgivings.

I have not stopped silently screaming
Into the world what you have done.
The nightmares worsen
Each shower hotter than the last
Each haircut shorter
The fear
The regret
And most of all
The hatred.

Please
Turn towards me
I want to store your words
In the broken parts of my chest
Let them roll around my head
And tumble down my cheeks
Wrap them around me
Like the hugs I will never feel again.
Have them caress the parts of me
Only you are allowed to touch
Give me you
In a way beyond physicality
I want what buzzes in the spaces
Between your blood and bone
I want you.

There’s a gaping hole in my chest
Proof I’ve loved, a massacre on my boots
I brace a hand hoping it’ll be enough
Hoping I will be enough

I wonder if all the men
who look in my direction
Have left a girl curled
in her bathtub demanding
from god a sweet merciful death
boiling their skin and passing out
to thoughts that won’t melt away.

You became the very thing
That drove your mother to madness