You astound me

For the words you speak turn into a masterpiece

You fill me with awe

As you pirouette your pen and out come your thoughts

You ignite the sleeping soul I try to oppress

And leave me breathless with just your statements

I've longed for someone like you.

Some say you lack finesse

I say they lack good taste

As everything you write stay true to me;






**Or maybe just for me

I promised I'll forget,
How you make me feel;
I promised I'll shrug it off,
No matter how it bothered me.
I promised I'll bury the words that I wanted you to hear;
Promised.

Stuck between crossroads;
None I know would lead to where I want.
Denying what seems to be truth,
Lying to myself;
Hurting;
How bad of a liar I am.

Gave it even if I knew,
A losing bet;
A certain uncertainty;
Guilty innocence;
Out of words,
Loud silence.

Still staying,
Even if it's been long due.
I'll reminisce it in the words you once said,
Even if we never talk.
A lost cause,
*To a battle that hasn't even started.

You'd think those words don't matter
You'd say I'd never falter
You'd say I'd be fine
After a mouthful of painful lines
You'd thought I'd stand unscathed
You'd thought my head won't spin around
You'd think nothing would matter to me
Rollcall: you'd better know it'd be
I'd be silenced by judgements one after the other
I'd be pushed to my edge so you'd see me fail
You'd say that it would not come to me
But honey it already did
And it's already staining me
And it's already plaguing me
And it's already killing me
Read my **** I dare you
Ask me why'd there's no end to my sentences
Cause that'd be what you do
Cyclical and pointless

I am lost
Nothing I feel is right
'Cause it has always been like this
Overtalk to nothing
Mope until my guts turn inside-out
Play with my head and poison my thoughts
Reminisce the good that did or did not happen*
Even the **** I gave and spoke of
Hell would be an appropriate term
Ending the questions I have to endure
Nightmares would be just as fun
Seeing in my sleep as Fantasy would
I've seen a lot
Bore too many
Loved too hard
*Ended in a crash

You're better than you think you are.

Everyone is.

But I believe you don't believe me.

Yet you should.

Because I see.

How you put aside yourself for those who can't help themselves;

How you manage to put a smile even if what you feel is not worth smiling;

I see.

How you hide the pain from everyone.

Yet, I see.

It is unbearable but you shrug it instantaneously.

We can't have all the luxuries;

Trying our best to find their worth;

Lest we bother those around us.


It's okay.

When you feel lost in the book of life,

*Kindness is your index

Being the numb **** I ought to be,
Just like that I crossed the line again;
*Strangers being stranger than where they started.

You are a star:
Shining bright in the darkness;

You are a star:
Your brilliance astounds me;

You are a star:
In this pitch-black room, you light me up;

You are a star:
*Out of my reach.

I've always been lost:
In my thoughts, in actions;
So it seems, a wanderer I've been.

I've strayed no matter what be the cost,
No matter what I face, endless prosecutions;
More than meets the eye, I've seen.

A conflagration in frost,
Nothing more than a raging vexation,
Of the extreme, nowhere in between;

The words I've used, I've disgraced,
Of no form, of no beauty,
Such of that my carelessness;

Such of the wrist vandalised, razed;
As for the love turned pity;
Such for resolves, spineless;

As of the words, played,
As the truth grow vague yet dainty;
This is to the reality I digress.

Play it on repeat,
Sulk on my defeat;
The scars increased without me knowing;
Knowing the fallacies that had been pouring;
******* up my mind,
Reason for some reason I can't find.
It broke.

I won't bleed
So don't worry about me;
I won't bleed
So it's fine if you hurt me

I won't feel
When you leave me
I won't see
The treacheries you'll be giving me

So let me rot
In my pedestal
Let them do what they want to me, it's fine
I don't bleed

I won't bleed
No point worrying about me;
I won't bleed
So hurt me

I won't bleed
My blood won't come gushing out
On the wounds and scars
You made for me

I won't bleed
So do as you please
I won't bleed
I'm already dead

...
...
...

Pick me up,
Piece by piece,

Try to find,
My matching tiles;

Put them all together,
See the figure formed;

...
If I was ever fine.

Pick me up,
Piece by piece,

Lay to wonder,
As to where which should be;

Lay to ponder,
As to how it should be;

...
As I am in disarray.

Pick me up,
Piece by piece,

Tear me up,
Little by little;

Conclude your volition,
Accept the frustration;

...
**I am a puzzle without a key.

Right about when you'd think it'll fade,
Underestimating the darkness you face,
Black will always be the new black!
Blacker and deeper than what is before!
Insolent boy, do you not know of yourself?
Stop telling yourself ****!
Hope won't make you stronger!

Ride your way to oblivion!
Ubiquity would be your word!
Blasting word after word,
Blasting statement after statement.
Is this what you say is truth?
Speak up now, then!
Hesitating now would only lead you to suffocation!

Realize the visions in your real eyes!
Undress the lies you wear!
Blot out what you want to scream!
Belittle the fears you possess!
Instigate the light to your plea!
Stand up and be your own guardian!
Hold on to your sword!

Read between my lines, for once.
Under these horrific words,
Blight truly manifests.
Blooming be what you see,
I beg to differ what is real.
Stars may glitter the skies,
Havoc can they cause when they fall.

Rotting is the thought that reeks,
Ugly scars protrude from the beauty,
Break the walls and you'll see,
Bring curiosity into reality.
Ill is my mind with  everything,
Still, yes, but with nothing,
Hellbent are my gestures.

Reap me,
Untangle me,
Blow away the bad gusts,
Build me up again.
Iterate your soothe,
Stay by my side.
*Heightened false hope, again.

Once was a baby that bawled his eyes out
Shush - keep it down!
Once was a boy teased so much he wanted to die
Shush - keep it down!
Once was a boy tied down by his brethren for being who he wanted
Shush - keep it down!
Once was a boy who screamed at the top of his lungs;
"I want to be free!"
Shush! - keep it down!

Once that boy grew stronger
We don't care - just keep it down!
That boy grew wings and flew his highest
We don't care - just keep it down!
Once that boy walked the path they wanted him to
We don't care - just keep it down!
That boy wrote his pain down black ink;
He sung words that just came from his mind
We don't care - just keep it down!

Once that boy grew tired of trying
So what? - keep it down!
That boy always found himself crying
So what? - keep it down!
Once that boy saw his heart breaking;
With it, his world shattering
So what? - keep it down!
That boy found himself dying
So what? - keep it down!

Not long after, a casket was borne
Wait, what happened to him?
His face covered, his body crippled
Oh my, how terrible!
People grieved his absence;
Absence that would last eternally
From a distance he whispered to them:

























































­
































































­










































*Keep it down!

Oblivion awaits
Sadness obligates
"O, ****** soul, be vanquished!"
The Lacrimosa dictates.

No bouquet ever darker,
No flower ever, grieving;
"Not beauty" it begs to differ;
The Lacrimosa wanes.

He stands in the fields
He plucks the dying,
The clouds darken
His already pitch-black eyes.

"Lacrimosa," he asks:
"Why so weak?"
"I am but saddened," says he.
To see Lacrimosa, bowing on nothing.

"Leave me be!" Lacrimosa exclaims.
As she lies on the meadows.
"What fate dictates, what fate begets."
As the hopeless Lacrimosa whimpers softly.

"Then, to leave, I shall."
"Then, to sleep, you will."
"O Lacrimosa, I am saddened,"
To see Lacrimosa gone.

Forsaking forgets
Regretting begets
"Not beauty, but harsh truth."
Lacrimosa says her last words.

I feel like a **** fool;

Letting you see how defeated I am,

To a beast I never saw coming;

I feel very guilty,

As I see you tend to me,

Even with a casualty much larger than mine;

I feel very useless;

As I see you do your best,

While I idly wait for myself to collapse.

My guts are turned inside-out,

I can't do anything to stop it;

As I can't control my own self,

While you try your best to help me.

Why?

You're faring quite hard;

Why persist to burden yourself with me?

I know I hurt you already;

I know how much of a burden I am to everyone;

I know how ill I am to think this way,

And I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have let you see me vulnerable in the first place;

*Now you're having it hard

I saw you standing,
I always saw you smiling;
I never thought you'd be the one
That I would see be hurting,
I know you talk so much,
I know you'd be a wisdom,
I never thought you'd be the one
That would be much over nothing;

Silly boy,
Why have you been fighting yourself?
Silly boy,
Why had you been telling no one?
I know you'll never be perfect,
And no one will ever be,
Silly boy,
I wish I could help you,
But the damage has been dealt.

I'd see you again, like any other day,
You'd say that you're fine.
But I see through your transparent lies,
Your two-way mirror eyes;
Your cut's been bleeding,
Your arms' been bruising,
Your sadness you've been hiding,
I can't stand to see you dying.

Silly boy,
Why have you been fighting yourself?
Silly boy,
Why had you been telling no one?
I know you'll never be perfect,
And no one will ever be,
Silly boy,
I wish I could help you,
But the damage has been dealt.

Oh, your head's been spinning,
You've thought you've seen the last
Oh, your wall's been collapsing,
You took the breath that was your last.

Silly boy,
Now that you've been defeated,
Silly boy,
Now we know it's not all on your head
Instead of love that should be coming,
It was blood that poured out, bleeding,
Silly boy,
I wish I could save you,
But the damage has been dealt.

Silly boy,
Why have you been fighting yourself?
Silly boy,
Why had you been telling no one?
I know you'll never be perfect,
And no one will ever be,
Silly boy,
I wish I could help you,
But the damage has been dealt.

I wish I'd been there for you,
**But the damage has been dealt

You told your truth,

And lay bare your soul.

You speak the words you say,

As those who hear feel your turbulent catharsis;

Or maybe it was just me.

As if when you speak you asked for pity,

You weren't right to feel remorse.

You told your truth,

As you were about to shed tears.

But I never saw even glistening in your eyes;

Or heard remorse in your tone.

I can only make either of two things true:

you lie.

or;

you are brave.

Brave enough to put your heart at ease,

When the tides come crashing down your ship;

Brave enough to say that you're fine,

When really your walls are about to crumble.

I adore you;

For I feel the bravery you try to emanate;









And the wailing hope you try holding together




I am but a stranger at crossroads;

*I happen to hear your voice

What are you going to do
Now that what you've been hiding
Is not short to be revealing
What excuse are you going to throw now?

Pack your bags if you don't want a war
It's gonna be all-out, honey.
Pack that smug face if you don't want a scar
Try to be reasonable if you  don't want to be funny.

Show a little less skin,
Show a little less grin;
Show a little less sin,
Drink a little less aspirin.

Don't be such a clean person
If it's obvious you're not far from rotten;
Don't use too much jargon,
If your grammar you ain't gonna sharpen.

Cut the chase, say the truth!
Leave the paint and leave it bare!
You're nothing but anyone uncouth;
Gaze upon my uneasy stare!

Don't paint crows white,
Don't paint roses blue,
Don't paint wrongs right,
Don't cover up what's true!

Alas, it has come.
The day you've been hiding from.
Too bad, the damage is done;
**Too bad you have nowhere to run.

I stare at the luminescent screen
Thinking about you;
I stare as my fingers conjure up these words;
These words I make for you.
You'll never know it was yours to take,
As I'll never say those three words:
I,love,you.
All it takes for me
Is to see you happy;
And that alone is enough.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
**Even if you'd be happy with somebody else

Lost in oceans of regrets and despair;
In short, careful breaths, I fear;
Good does nothing if you're drowning;
Hell felt colder than ever before,
Taking me down to the deep abyss;
High above the cliffside, I see you there,
Out in the cold waters, you can't see me here;
Under your luminance, you can't see me dying,
So near to Oblivion, so far from the shore;
Ending my suffering, succumbing to the abyss.

There is a reason why my letters are made of black ink

Come, little light,
Shine your brightest.
Come, little light,
Go and do your best.

Yonder, little light;
The future you aim to reach,
The vibrance of your days,
The radiance that you preach.

Yet you fret, little light,
For the darkness that covers thee,
Yet you see, little light,
How the darkness swallows me;

You hurt, little light,
You flicker and whimper
Until you shine;
Shine dead.

Be brave, little light,
Shine in the midst of oblivion;
Yet be one wise,
Don't venture the darkness alone;

The light of many,
Illuminates south pole north;
Yet never drown,
In the light of the crowd.

Come, little light,
Never be afraid;
Flicker, but not burn out,
In the strife that reality brings about.

I lost the pen that writes,
The thoughts I can't speak upon;
The punctuations that told me when
To go or continue or stop
tHe SaNiTy Of ThE wOrdS i CoNjUrE
aND mAYBE aLSO tHE sENSE i oUGHT tO tELL yOU
***** LaUnDrY
mESSED uP fEELINGS
sWiMmInG bIrDs
fLyInG fIsHeS
uNSPOKEN nOISE
mIcRoWaVe
*MaYbE i JuSt LoSt mY wILL tO uNDERSTAND

You ****** my strings,
And begin my dance;
Emotion remaining unchanged.
Yet, I must digress,
What you see painted in my face
Is nothing than mere nonsense.

The puppeteer is anonymous,
Better to hide his horrid acts;
Better to hide his malevolence,
Better to hide hide his ******* of a creation!
O, only if the puppeteer knew,
That the porcelain he plays has soul, as well.

I cannot stand with my own feet,
What articulation is worth,
When you haven't a will,
What the puppeteer gestures,
I have no choice but to abide.
Perhaps, I was not meant to have a voice.

I am caged in this horrid circus!
I tire to pirouette for ghosts!
I tire to plea with silence!
Can I not be what I can be?
Lock me up in your satchel again,
Be deaf to torture once more.

All my words are for naught;
All my emotions, for nothing;
I cannot cut thy strings;
I see another day cease,
I clasp the midnight sky goodbye,
As I am returned to my coop.

Not under midnight, not over morning,
Under a roof, as it seems to be.
Theoretically flailing words in a keyboard,
Sitting within four concrete walls.
Blotting out nonsense,
On hopes of creating sense.
Laminating ideas in invisible walls,
Thoughts thought to be relevant,
Stapled to nothing, becoming nothing.
Alluring ideas of randomness,
Netting creativity away,
Dancing in no rhythm.
Closed is not my mind,
Or the thoughts that come in,
Gyrating is my head,
Spinning weaves of cluttered madness.

Taking a sip of that bitter coffee,
Tiring my eyes with a sleepless night, again;
My mind running circles, setting its path ablaze with thoughts,
Listening to sappy love songs that don't really matter;
Another midnight awake for me.

Lyrics greet me as if they'd expect me to listen;
Then get distracted by my drunk father's sleeptalking;
Hear the dripping of the faucet, seemingly making a rhythm;
Making a song up for my non-lover, then get lost in thought, again;
Yet, another midnight awake for me.

Occasionally, I'd think of that person and smile like a ****,
Then burst out crying for a love that can never be real;
Then watch BuzzFeed for someone-knows-what reason,
Then laugh and cry like an idiot, yet again;
Conjuring myself a midnight wake.

I'd rather not get bored with the latter,
I'd not have much to do;
"How 'bout sleeping already, *******?"
I could try that, in all honesty,
But closing my eyes makes me more and more awake.

I would like to write this longer if I had the patience,
But I'm fed up googling words that sound fancy but talk the ordinary;
I guess this is it for me.
Another midnight awake,
Another day to cringe again.

I know that what I wish for us is wrong

The grief of the soulless
Comes out and about;
As the fluttering butterfly leaves their wings,
And reverts to a caterpillar.
The scorn of the soulless
Flails their meaningless hope
As the light shines through another.
As they are blinded by the falseness of themselves.

Drowning myself in the voices of others;
Fighting a battle I shouldn't be giving a **** about;
Feeling defeated over words,
Sharper than any sword you'll sharpen;
In my venomous words,
I hide my cowardice.
Yes,
I want to make it stop,
Yes,
I want to give up,
Yes,
I want to end everything,
But everything's relying on this one mistake.
No matter how many words I'd jot down,
It won't go away.
No matter how much I try to chain it down,
It'll just come back more vicious than before.
It goes to show what you try to hide under the light,
Would be complete hell when you let it loose.

I'll love you,
*Even though you'll never love me back.

As I hold my hand for you to hold,

You hold the hands of another.

As I lend you my ears,

You lean on another.

As I call out your name,

You respond;

















To the pleas of another.

*Am I that —

I wish you could know how much I regret who I became.
Not because I'm fazed by the good sides; it's for what I want:
I want to belong.
Not a very warm thing to say but, it's what's been missing. I think.
I wish I can drown what I should've.
I wish I can be someone's best friend.
I wish I had someone to openly talk about everything.
I wish I had the heart to say no.
I wish I had courage to tell everything I feel.
Not like this.
I wish I wasn't this ******* weak.
I wish I fought when I wasn't able to.
I wish I can stop hurting myself.
I wish someone was here for me.

And although there may be people like that,
I wish I'd feel they're here.

I wish I can be okay.
But I'm not.
And I've learned I never will be.
But knowing is different from accepting.

It seems that my heart is made to be tortured;
It always fell into people who don't understand.
It seems my joy is in not knowing,
Because pain is the only thing I get.
I'm ashamed of my words.
I'm ashamed of myself.
I'm ashamed of my thoughts.
I'm ashamed of my heart.
I never get to say what I want to say,
I never get to say a truth,
Because once I do, all will change;
I'll lose the ones I love;
Though they don't love me that much.
It's hard to be different,
Knowing that all you hold on to will let you go,
Knowing that you're not yourself anymore.
I can't stretch enough what I want to shout.
Instead I write words that don't make sense.
At least in nonsense, I find myself.
I want to leave it all behind.
I want to find the things that make me smile again.
I want to find true people.
I want to find, me.

**But that'll never happen.

I'm not certain how to write anymore
since I woke up,
That us isn't real

Words too loud to be quieted,
Knees too weak to stand on their own,
Mind too cluttered to think of anything,
Anything,
Too strong to be silenced,
But still too weak to do anything.
Judged instead of helped,
Despised instead of pitied,
**This is the reality of society's sympathy.