Still going through the motions of dealing in matters of wasted potential. None of it gets easier the next time around. It’s a new person saying, “I feel it too. This could be something, but I don’t want it.” For whatever reason, one I may never be sure of. I can never hold it against them. Doing the right thing for yourself will leave the heart of another broken at times.

The child in me cries out, beating on the body grown around her. It’s a constant shriek of, “Why?!” A begging for something more. Even in the acceptance of endings, she wants the end to stick around a little while longer.

This isn’t really acceptance though, is it? It’s admitting the end is needed, not wanted. It’s clinging tightly enough to what’s dead to be okay with lingering in the ashes. Studying the bones and fractures for more of it. Knowing the dead will never rise, but unable to find comfort in the living.

A broken heart beat is all that keeps me
Keeps me in my flawed thoughts
I cannot handle any of it any longer
Decide my time is up, but I seem to say that a lot
Stuck in this loop of deciding to leave but never being able to step outside of my mind and into the unknown
Decide to stay, but not because the flawed parts of me are gone
Stuck in a scary middle between desperately longing to wake up dead and not being able to bring myself to do what I’ve wanted to for so long
Decide to stay in a world I will always want to leave

My heartbeat is off
It’s doing what it’s supposed to, beating
Just not for you, the skip is gone
I know I’m okay, I’m alive
But I miss that skip I get when I’m with you
I have to accept the staggered, hurt, heartbeat
My heart was beating for you, not anymore

Everything touched by me turns to a cold black abyss
I am red with a fiery passion which brings me no joy
Watch the colors dance around my silhouette
They tease the sadness that surrounds me
Elaborate designs branch from this darkness
Who I am provides a seemingly endless stream of despair
And yet I can view the beautiful sights that come from this nothingness
It almost seems as though I can feel the warm vibrant memories
But I’ll never experience what it’s like away from the heavy space
Let me patiently wait for the end of me and this affliction
Make its way through my body and tighten like a snake

Love is messy, not what they make it out to be
I carry the pain from this love, it doesn’t disappear like they say
This love is reckless, maybe even toxic
It’s a high I’ve learned to depend on
It puts damage to my thoughts, drains me of every last drop
Something I can’t abandon when I see the happy days
Love is messy, will it ever be as happy as it seems

There’s an ache in my soul that I can’t shake out
It sends cries through my body that make me double over in agony
There’s an ache in my heart beating me down
It makes me destroy myself from the inside out
There’s an ache in my soul that must be slashed out of my body and I think it might just **** me

I like to imagine that you love me
Find home in my eyes
Happiness in my smile, knowing you caused it
Won’t you think of me fondly, please?
If only I were lovable and you were capable of such a thing