*****.
No mixer.
No ice.
You never liked your ***** cold.
You'd sit there in the corner,
Slamming your drinks like they were water.
Like you were a fish on land.
Gasping for air.
No one drank like that unless they were running away from something.
What were you running from?
You finished what had to of been your fifth or sixth drink.
You got up from the bar,
And stumbled towards me.
You smelled of peppermint and tobacco.
Your eyes were bloodshot.
You asked to buy me a drink.
I was running from something, too.
***** and Red Bull.
Lots of ice.
We shared our thoughts.
You asked for a kiss.
I declined.
I said, "I want to get out of here."
You said, "Let's go back to mine."
We shared a laugh.
I even let you kiss me.
Little did I know, I would be running away from you, too.
I never got to ask you what your name was;
And I never got to tell you mine.
And to be honest, I don't even remember the color of your eyes.
But I remember what it felt like when you pushed up my skirt.
And I remember your scent made me want to *****.
I now hate the smell of peppermint.
I drink my ***** warm.

Self love.
Two words that are practically foregin to me.
I have never been known to love myself.
Someone is always better.
Thinner.
Smarter.
Prettier.
Always comparing myself.
Always self loathing.
I wanted to be better.
Thinner.
Smarter.
Prettier.
So I stopped eating and I stopped going out in public with no make up on.
And I pretended that I knew about all of these different places and things; even though I really had no interest in those things or places.
And I would go home and cry and I started leaving scars on my beautiful, clean skin.
Because no matter how much make up I put on my face,
Or how many days I went without a bite of food;
Or how many things I pretended to know;
I still wasn't better than someone else.
There was still always someone better.
And now I look at the body that I destroyed.
And my skin isn't beautiful and clean anymore.
And my teeth are stained yellow from all of the cigarettes.
And my eyes have dark circles under them from the nights I spent crying;
Trying so hard to be perfect.
And that's okay.
I am finally okay with not being perfect.
I am ready to love myself.

Every day I am changing.
I was so lost.
So far gone.
Then there you were.
You saved me.
When I needed to save myself.
Every ounce of effort that I put into fixing myself was for you.
And instead of fixing myself, I broke you, too.
And you poured yourself into me, hoping to fix all the cracks.
And I had nothing to give back.
And soon enough, even you didn't make me smile anymore.
Everything went black.
Instead of falling in love with you, I fell in love with sadness.
And the sadness consumed me,
Like it hadn't eaten in years.
My eyes didn't light up anymore.
My skin became dull.
But there you were,
And you still tried to save me.
But even you became tired.
And you couldn't try to save me anymore.
And I'm sorry.
Today I will save you while I try to save myself.
And tomorrow I will only save myself while you try to save yourself.
Because every day I'm changing.
I am changing for you.
But I am mostly changing for me.

Oh, how I love Autumn.
The moon was bright and the wind was cold.
You made me feel warm, you were the only one I liked to hold.
Here is where I wanted to be when we grew old.
You would smile and I would whisper in your ear, how I happy I was to be here.
We would sit here for hours under this beautiful tree.
As the leaves died, so did we.
I would sit here alone, staring at our tree.
Your eyes didn't sparkle when you smiled at me anymore.
You left me. You left me and fell for some *****.
So I gave myself a slash on each ******* wrist and I replayed our story in my head.
I didn't get a chance to put it on paper because I was already dead.

Black and white.
Black and white.
Every thought, every emotion.
Black and white.
Black and white.
All I feel is black and white.
Highs are too high.
Lows are too low.
Trapped between two worlds.
Two minds.
One heart.

I was thinking today,
About how funny life is.
I was thinking about the struggles;
And how lonely this world gets.
I was thinking about the sun rising every day;
And I was wondering what has kept me here.
We get so lost in the chaos and the catastrophe
That we forget about what's beautiful.
The sun rising every day is beautiful.
The moon that sits in the sky at night is beautiful.
Being alive, it can be beautiful.
And most people are too bitter to remember that.
Fall in love with life.
Embrace what the universe has to offer.
Embrace what the universe can take away.
It's okay to not feel okay.
It's okay to be alive.

We didn't make it to four;
I will never forget the summer that I fell in love.
It was you and me, us against the world.
A secret club and only we had the key.
Every touch, every kiss, every moment was well spent and filled with bliss.
And even though I moved away and you moved on;
I know that what we had was real
And all of our memories are still there,
And I believe that somewhere we are still together and we are still making memories;
And we are still in love.
Although you may not think of me anymore,
You will always be my summer.