in my addiction
theres something sufficient

nonconsensually awake
brain noise on replay
with differences, and small voice pitches
enough to keep my eyes strung open

with a pain in my veins, heart pulled tight
as if gripped in a strangle hold
bones ache, flesh like a starving sponge
i cannot keep my eyes closed.

in that moment im terrorized, wishing for death-
but moments later it becomes
just another whimsical memory
"you made it through! good for you
can we please start where we left off?"

staggering through the early morning,
each moment is a fast camera shuttering
forgetting where i once was.
i cannot begin to catalogue each capture.
eventually i lose them all

in moments later, in a brief reprieve
i wonder
"cant you handle what you love the most?"
even as addiction kills me day after day
and the life i see is just a smudge