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Not allowed to be part of her life
Only a casual bystander
Feeding on the crumbs of her
Tossed to me by others
ljm
The ongoing sadness of having a daughter who wants nothing to do with me while still averring that she loves me.
Christmas suddenly got broken.
Who bumped the branches,
Who kicked the stand.
How did that gust of noninvolvement
Shake the bough so roughly that
A priceless piece shook loose and fell.
No hope of gathering up the shatters
Into something lovely once again.
Only sweeping up the fragments
And rearranging all the others
to make it not so obvious
That something beautiful is gone.

What will heal this wounded day.
Can one corral the scattered shards
Of joy and rescue the important one
To keep alive the gleam of hope
That is the reason to press on.
It cannot be done alone, oh no -
The task requires both hands of two
So with the rising of the sun
Will those ten fingers join with mine
To make a grasp that will not break.
ljm
Joy is not a guarantee.
 Apr 2023 ghost man
Nat Lipstadt
yes, in full possessive of all the typical, ****** wearing-out diminishments and diminutions

so no surprises, that I’m squinting to see my own personal
street signs two blocks ahead, in case a dreaded left turn be
required

I hear eventually what your thinking, by the second, third rep, I am fully informed of your opinion and am left wondering why people blather rather than win some, with  
a winsome smile

but it  catches me unaware that my voice, (its tones, notions,and colorations) is softer, though not purposed or so intentioned,this is puzzling, so wrestle for the whys, as is my wont, for explicating my existence be my full time employment and time is  overly plentiful and it’s steady evaporation is not the diet I am needing or even
embracing

perhaps, (always a multi-perhaps), mine aging grants an edge-softening, the brain regulates away the shouting urgency of what seemed important, demandy &needy for immediate attention, has a natural implant subtly started subtracting and governs my always was voluble but less-than-valuable insistence to be heard above the raucous din of the world~is~ending~
scarecrows

perhaps, it is something simple physic, but I deny that
escapism excuse, for yet, my bellyful laughter still loudest I know especially, at the ironical, comical of my mirror image rightly making fun of my vanity and even yet today, on a busy city street my senior YO! still summons taxis  to appear from
blocks away

perhaps, he flatters himself, his soon to be required stick will be so big, the need to speak softly intuitively concomitant, but that’s a lie as  he has no stick as of yet, ‘cept for the one he himself, he hisself, penetrated & perpetrated up his own ****

perhaps, just the intuitive or learned wisdom to think slower, talk lower, excise the waste of haste that plagues  the modern life, all that quiet, buttery yet uncool logic persuasion triumphs over the no-reasoned- shouting-pretense to be everybody’s exercised right
to be stupid

so many possible perhaps that this  listing is making me too, 
list to one side; perhaps, the list is so lengthy it requires a conservation of energy, and sotto voce approach to the so-much-of-everything
yet unanswered,

but perhaps,
I  just have less to say and
it comes out of me,
softer and wiser…ha!

perhaps, time has worn me down into a…
**a modulated man
Sat Apr 16 2023
nyc
 Jul 2022 ghost man
emily
i resent that i was not allowed to go out
even among trusted friends.
i resent that i never got to party,
that i never risked getting in trouble.

situations i never yearned for,
for i never had the chance to consider them.
keeping me safe, keeping up appearances.
none of it mattered in the end.

i just wanted to have fun.

having to be the pride and joy,
your mother’s loving, golden boy,
means there is no outlet.
one must keep up appearances,
for the role is exhausting.
but how does one ever learn to breathe
in a vice grip.

biologically blocked from social situations.
memories of childhood yearning, confusion,
memories of teenage anxiety, self-hatred,
seldom allowed to let loose.
never allowed to breathe.

now, i must rebirth myself
and become my own mother.
now, i still hide myself
from my own mother.
never a husband, never a brother,
and never a son.

but how does one raise oneself?
how to learn the affectations
and gestures,
how to exist comfortably,
when your entire history
is an encyclopedia of hiding.

i resent so much that may have been,
and never can be,
and i’ll try to be okay with it,
but i know i never,
fully,
will be.

- e
just a vent thing i wrote at 4 am.
 May 2022 ghost man
Kaliya Skye
lately, it seems when you call you speak you mind,
motion to hang up before i can even consider mine.
do i exist simply as a gateway for you to speak?

my lover leaves me lonely,
my best friend soon to be alone on a plane
back home to me; tape him up in bubblewrap
beg him never to leave

so much time is spent in this room
isolated enough to warrant yellow paper
still, the textured white walls seem sentimental
they do not feel as big as the bed

it is so lonely without you, darling
but even when you are here,
it remains so empty
i reach for you in the night.

try as i may, even when you linger
you are so far, my darling,
too far to reach; too far to hold.

and i find you only see me once i turn away.
is it my eyes that alarm you, so full of emotion?
or do you want me just close enough for warmth,
but not close enough to listen to?

the broken furniture holds your motion,
still are the shadows that hold your shape,
and i cling to the pillow that isn't quite your length
but it will let me hold it; it will let me love

i picture you in the shower,
borrowing shampoo, speaking of coconut cream
and my dreams are only tinted memories
are you leaving me in the chill of the air conditioning?

perhaps i'll never know until you finally close the door;
the season has only just begun, my darling
there are so many half hours still to yearn for you;
i'll be quiet and laugh at your commentary until the credits roll

i'll quietly await the sudden goodbye.
distance is a feeling; not a measurement.
 May 2021 ghost man
Kaliya Skye
they put you in the spotlight.
after everything you've done.

i want to say
that healing isn't linear,
but god
i am so tired.

i want to turn your false sense of
sweetness into a puree
and pour it down the drain
to feel you rot away.

i want to unmask you
so they see what you really are.

it makes me cry to see you smile.

i haven't been in school for months.

i just give up in new ways.

and i want to be happy
but you took that from me.

it's nearly been a year and i can't breathe.

why are you so happy?
I eat, sleep, breath a self rendition
A puppet acting what should be,
The greatest work of art;
Life

Yet, arms and legs
Are bound in fallow strings;
Like earth-binding vines,
meant to drag the angels down

Never hold tight;
Gripping all our mistakes,
Like a life-raft,
In a churning sea, we have yet to understand

All footsteps,
Disturb the gravel ground,
As we lead them,
Or they lead us,
Towards whatever goal we choose
Just a musing on how we can forge our own destiny, but sometimes play the role of the casual onlooker to our own lives.  Wake up and do the thing you are too afraid to do.
 Feb 2021 ghost man
Kaliya Skye
I found God betwixt our racing heartbeats
When two became one in our college dorm’s sheets
We rose with a panic; the trip to class manic
A lust that ran hot, but would never grow old

I saw you two moon’s back,
To get my old book that,
Once I had lent you before I was scorned
Although I felt I might stain it,
With tears, having held it
I noticed you let the **** thing get torn

And I’m here, worn out by a lover that let me know more his name
I’m worn out, torn about, caught in the middle, haunted by your flame

I found Hell’s fire in the music we made
I’d bleed for your sorrows, be kissed by your blade
But it was the season, for acting a heathen
A rose that grew wild, but died in the rain

And I’m here, thrown back, remembering April, the taste of my pain
Yes I’m here, caught up, wishing I’d forget the sound of your name

I saw you two moon’s back,
And I tried not to wear black,
Although I, in mourning, could not meet your face
I met you briefly, so I could appear sweetly
At home, crying gently- upon the old page

And I’m here, thrown back, remembering April, the taste of my pain
Yes I’m here, caught up, wishing I’d forget the sound of your name

I found hope in a mini-symphony,
A song half-remembered, you once sang to me
You felt like you could, so I came and I did
To grab an old comic, my tragic heart skipped

And I’m here, thrown back, remembering April, the taste of my pain
Yes I’m here, caught up, wishing I’d forget the sound of your name

I saw you two moons back,
Striped shirt, had to look at
The way that time had altered your face
And I don’t think I missed you
But I needed to see you,
I needed a memory that I could replace

And I’m here, whispering, to the shadows I see alone in my room
I’m here, wondering, if you noticed how much a year’s altered me too
Inspired by the very bent cover of a much loved book, lent to someone who left me tattered as the pages of what I'd given them. Also inspired by Hozier singing about Whiskey. : )
 Feb 2021 ghost man
Kaliya Skye
Starved or over–fed by the stars,
Ivory tints to the shade of strawberries

Over Ripe
And wondering when she'll heal.

He's busy in his study, looking up the way
That a plant can cure the sting.

Often she wonders, as she looks to the sky
Do stars twinkle in morse code,
Whispering secrets for us to hold?

She feels too young to know the answers,
But she always finds her way.
She know the moon has begun to love her,
But she's always led astray.

And she holds onto his sweet nothings
Like it's a fraying rope,
Praying they'll survive this.

But he's been silent these past few days,
So she runs to the highest hill.
Looks up to the stars, asking for guidance.

And even the universe seems conflicted
And the divine asks for her advice on timing,
And she feels afraid, she's shrunk again,
And this time she's much too small to see.

The moon guiding her.
The stars wishing on her.
The sun tinting her pink to make her blush.
The universe pushing her forward.
All she sees is him, but he isn't looking back.

She sees him in their room at night,
and at the bottom of her chardonnay
She's so sure he'll speak to her,
So she stays, ready to listen.
 Feb 2021 ghost man
Kaliya Skye
you're the first hit of a lollipop;
a sucker punch
you're the feeling in my stomach
when i revisit lunch
you're the way my body shakes when it needs caffeine
you're the world as it's collapsing there, on top of me

and ain't it sweet?
and ain't it grand?
i stopped it all to hold your hand.
but time moves quick, a year has passed
i'm tired of the games,
but oh, how your laugh...

it pulls me in, i don't know how
i curtsey still, you take a bow

and now i'm home, for i am dancing
into your arms, you're just a stranger
who wears his face

the man i knew

it's been too long, he can't be you

but if you're sorry, i guess you'll do
to manifest, it's so taboo
yet, i light the candle
i whisper prayer
to a god i don't think is there

and i am singing,
tears in my eyes
you loved my voice, but made me cry

and i am lonely
as i am typing
out my last letters
before goodbye-ing

i hope you're happy,
i miss your family
i hardly knew you
but i was falling

and now i'm lying
not in my bed
but to your back,
as all goes red

but am i angry?
or just alone
with the thought that
i'm growing old?

and when i'm greying,
will you be there?
spinning stories as i rock in my chair?
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