i wish the things you told me 15 feet up were as concrete as the streets below us
your very existence is extraordinary to me
you came into my life like a meteor
beautiful from far away but also chaotic and damaging
sometimes chaos can be beautiful too though
the weight of your words is stronger than the gravity keeping my feet planted on this balcony’s ledge
you dared me to leap and promised you would catch me when i land
but you can’t catch us both can you
i know you’re running away from the darkest parts of yourself
i know you know the difference between right and wrong
begging for freedom begging for releases
i want so badly to believe the sighs and secrets of our past were as full of vibrancy and authenticity as the crowded city square
i wish time could turn back suns like the pages of a ***** magazine
i want so badly to replay the events of that night and question the transparency of your words
our worlds collided and my heart flatlined when you kissed me
i think i died that night and came back for you
haha

i want to know your pain
i want to know your name your face
your touch is euphoric and

i’m in deep with someone who might be emotionally unavailable
and i guess i need to get over that somehow
or figure it out
or go to sleep

enamored
euphoric
ecstasy
passion
fire

when i met you i set fire to my past
you struck a chord and i struck the match
have you ever met someone and known that you needed them to be a part of your life
and you wonder how you ever thought you knew passion or love or fear or pain
but i’m scared
i’m scared to lose that feeling that i didn’t know was possible to contain in me
i’m ******* enamored and ******* depressed
you’re exactly what i needed to walk into my life
and i know i was that for you too
unfortunately it seem you were not ready for me
and i feel my heart pulsating with passion
i don’t even need your touch
i’m just lacking from your gaze
but you’ve already walked out of the door

i have literally never ******* felt like this before in my life i feel like i can’t breathe but it’s not oxygen that i need

passion
intellect
euphoria
respect
admiration
emptiness
regret

was this a mistake? i’m in pain that things are the way they are
and i know you are in pain because of life and loss of love
i can still taste you on my lips and feel your gaze imploring me
and all i want to know is what is going on in your ******* head
i could pour myself into your soul forever

left brain right brain
i hope i’m on your mind

but oh my god does it even ******* matter??? was this all just an experience made to build me up and drag me down? i’m scared to think that love like that can just come into your life and then be gone the moment you walk out of the door. love like that passion like that honesty like that raw like that truth like that. i have never felt so much oneness with another soul.

my thoughts are scattered across my bedroom and my insecurities are creeping through the cracks in the walls.

was it the drugs? or was it us?

at first i thought it was just the trip that was making you gravitate to me but then your mouth met mine and my heart exploded in my ******* chest. i refuse to believe that sensation was caused by anything other than you, but at the same time i’ll admit substance probably allowed us to make that connection.

i just want you to be able to talk to me. i know you haven’t let your past go and i fear you aren’t really ready to. and that is okay.

you’re on my mind.

my feelings are hurt but not only from you
you are an actual dream
and all my nightmares animated

i miss your touch

i would risk it all for another chance
weak in the knees and weak in the heart
you’re a dream and i don’t want to ever wake up

sleep here with me now and hold me in your arms
tell me that it’s okay and that i’m crazy
crazy for you crazy for me crazy for feeling this way
i want to know your plans
and how involved in them i am
when you wake tomorrow will i be forgotten?
your words reassure me but i’m poisoning myself
stabbing myself in the back
sabotaging myself


we lost ourselves and i found the best parts of myself when i found you
i have never felt so connected
so gravitated
towards another soul in my life
and i feel NAIVE for letting myself get so headass so quickly
very poetic

colorful
vibrant
raw
genuine
cathartic

who are you? and how did you creep past my walls?
i crave your authentic self
i want to actualize your wildest fantasy
fulfill your every whim
please just make me feel good again ******* it
touch me

quivering
trembling
buzzing
sighing
touching
laughing
crying

you always ask if what you do or say will make me hate you
but there’s not a **** thing you could do that would make that true
i’m ******* buzzing over you
are you thinking about me?
pollinate me
you’re on my ******* mind
running circles i’m getting fit

i am rambling
a conscious stream of raw thoughts and emotion
really missing that serotonin spike

i hate myself for feeling things
but i love the way it makes me feel
it’s ******* tragic and dangerous
getting off on my own pain
playing the most dangerous of games
i’m hanging on your every word

i just wanna sleep in your arms tonight again

sitting in the dirt with my face turned up at the sky
i am thinking of you
i came to this place tonight to collect my thoughts
but i am only thinking of you
with eyes wide i open i came to the golden goddess        
begging her take away my fears and apprehension
i basked in her glory and warmth
and let a single tear roll down my cheek and back into the earth
but as she quietly crept behind the covers i am left with nothing more than my thoughts of you
the night is dark and cold and full of terrors
but i’m paralyzed by my feelings and held captive by my thoughts
insects are eating away at my insecurities and flesh
i want to know how to feel
looking down on the city lights and up at the moon it makes me feel small
i find myself thinking about your existence and how we both lived an entire lifetime before locking eyes
at this moment i am compelled, turning to the moon for comfort i see her and i feel the intensity of your gaze
you are coursing through my system like a drug like the blood that runs through my veins like the air i ******* need to keep breathing
all i ask is that you be kind to me
i try to understand the gravity of your existence and its separateness from my own
and i am thinking of you

and as i wept the glowing embers continued to smolder and sing
tendrils curling up into the starry sky
reaching, dancing, dissipating
gently kissing the freckled face of the night sky
i looked to you and saw a path untouched by pain
yet ravaged by regrets
as i reached out into the blind night for your cold embrace
i was met with a chill of the evening that shook me to my brittle core
“where are you now?”
Once met with silence i turned my face to the heavens and prayed for warmths return
after a night of solace and ingratitude, the suns light filters down through the whispering woods and says,
“you will never be truly alone.”

as a collective, we posses fragmented memories
broken memories
memories lost in haze
and memories saturated in red
memories of yesteryear, reminisced after a six pack of beer
dog-eared and torn, degraded and worn
haphazardly recalled to the forefront of our minds
coloring in the forgotten spaces with the most colorful crayon
discarded at the bottom of your childhood closet
warped and yellowed
we are afflicted by the warped and yellowed pages in the back of our heads

and that is how we come to be
the people, the places- your hopes and dreams
everything shaded by a veil of ambiguity
the veil of death
nothing is real, anymore
(if it ever was)
nothing is original
no one will ever live up to the expectations you hold over them
not the girl sitting in the back of your sophomore year bio class
not the boy with a broken past and a broken (and burned) wrist
sitting back to back

nothing is precious
and no one is innocent
original thought is dead
original content is dead
origins are a fallacy
and i am a non-believer
we are, as a collective, one
wearing a mask of a dead girl’s skin
collecting personalities like seashells
grotesque piles of rotting flesh piled high
suffocating me

me?
ripping away at the light
at the others, the half-people
forcing chunks of decaying flesh down my throat
covering my decomposing body; piled high around me
the impending doom of the tidal wave of stolen lives
broken memories, broken truths, broken lives
waiting to crash over me and take back what is theirs
false prophets screaming convoluted cries of conviction
the chaos of knowing that what is me is hollow
and that what is really left of me is dead

(a.m.) 06/29/16

you can't say that I was the one who kicked you out of my heart, when I spent months kicking and screaming, begging for you to come back to me. I sat, festering inside myself for days, and did nothing but stare at the walls that had a nasty habit of only showing where your fingers brushed against their sickly white barriers. walls.
I'll never forget the pleasant  cool feeling of the staccato wall of our high school,  pressed up against my back when you first kissed me. I'll never forget the day I wrote your name in the sand. I'll never forget the day that you built a wall so high around your heart, that not even you would dare to reach inside, for fear of falling in, and never finding a way out. I used to pretend that after the years, you'd let down your flowing golden rod hair, and I'd climb my way back into your soul, but I see now why they call happy endings like that fairy-tales. I loved you then, and I love you now, but you are no longer the bearer of my soul. you no longer hold my beating heart in your cold hands. I've spent weeks scaffolding the burnt brick built up about your breast, refusing to look down, refusing to see reason, to look to the crashing sea below me, but the trembles from your wrath shook me off and broke me down, and sent me plunging into the churning sea below. the powerful waves, held me down, stole my breath, broke my strength. It was what bound me. kept me in delusion. yet, it was bliss, and the choking vice around my lungs rid me of the hunger and the pain. I let myself drown in you, and drifted, broken, to the new shore. I allowed you to flood my lungs to keep me afloat. little did I realize, it was your iron grasp on my heart keeping my head above the waves. or was it my hope for you that held me up? was it my optimism of a better place that drifted me? I guess I'll never know.
it is with new legs, and fresh face, that I humbly walk these new shores, that I bear my heart and soul to breathe another lover's name, once again.

(a.m.)(e.a.h.)
08/19/14

Your love is unhealthy and infectious. I find myself ill with revolt. I'm bedridden; shackled by abandonment and chained by regret. I need an exorcism to purge me of your sin. I've been telling you for months that I wish to be clean of these mind-altering drugs, yet you keep coming back and finding your way into my veins. Who knew that something as delicate as flower petals would be my demise? Who knew that sandy beaches and empty street corners would eventually be the death of all sanity? You doused my heart in gasoline and told me to set myself on fire. Little did you know that the spark inside your eye was enough to catch us both aflame. I used to think that if I couldn't have you, that I'd rather be alone, but now I find myself taking that wretched curse of my past, and carving what's left of you out of my skin. Sadly, the ravines and trenches on my wrists will forever be a symbol of the day I learned what it feels like to break. I woke up screaming last night (every night, oh god, every night), and rose to a room bathed in red, with sacrificial bruises around my throat. I laughed because I realized that my own hands were to blame, not yours. My mind is starting to cave in on itself, and these four walls are getting closer and closer. I'm scared. I feel disgusting and I'm begging you to please, let go. I gave you everything I had. You've taken my spare change and kicked me in the ribs, abandoning me in a crowded alley. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SCREAM OUT YOUR NAME UNTIL IT STOPS MAKING SENSE? WHEN WILL THE STARS QUIT POINTING IN YOUR DIRECTION, AND WHEN WILL YOU RELEASE YOUR FINGERS FROM AROUND MY HEART? I HATE MYSELF FOR FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR HYPOCRISY. I HATE MYSELF FOR FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR GAMES. I HATE MYSELF FOR FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR PAST, BECAUSE ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE A PART OF YOUR  FUTURE. GET OUT OF ME GET OUT OF ME GET OUT OF ME GET OUT OF ME GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT OUTOUTOUTOUTOUTOUTTOUOUTOUT-

(a.m.) 06/26/14

your hair, is the grass that interconnects the world-- I am he as you are he, and he is we, and we are all together. I wish I could plant myself in your head and grow like your blonde roots (as you have planted yourself in my heart, and claimed your property), like golden rod. like golden rod, like dandelion, like daffodil, like sunflower.
your mind, is the collective thought and poetic compilation of every beautiful phrase ever remembered, written, felt, or forgotten. you are the deep thinkers of our generation, of our past, of our tomorrow. your mind induces a dreamlike coma-- I'm begging to be free of-- tose.
I forgot how to breath around you.
and on the seventh day, god created the terrain that is your face; sloping, folding, curving, freckled plains. carved out of the most precious and delicate porcelain, curving in all the perfect places-- high peaked cheeks, roaming down your nose, my feet leave sun peppered kisses.
I travel down to your full, shapely lips. warm and lively, they taunt me; I want to taste your strawberry kiss.
your chin curves taut over your featherweight bones.
I can't control myself when I reach your neck-- salivating over your creamy skin-- it's ungodly and irresistible (oh god, I want her).
your shoulders, something that I've traced over and over again. I've memorized your every visible curve.
she dips in all the right places.
my breath catches in my throat when I come to your unexplored crevices. every single particle-- I want to feel her soaked in sweat, I want to touch your softest skin.
"lupdub lupdub lupdub." your heart is pounding through your chest. we become one.
grasping frantically at your tiny waist, pulling them, pulling you, into me. I'm begging you to close the space between us-- the distance is killing me, my heart is slowing, my mind is deteriorating without you; I think this is what death feels like.
molding me into you, I bruise your body and you batter my heart. teeth grazing over your love. let me trace your body with something other than my hands. I'm tired of pretending this doesn't hurt.
believe me when I tell you that the desire to hear the panting of your shallow breaths in my ear is unbearable.
I may not be flawless, but I promise to try harder than all the rest.
dragging my lower lip over your sweet skin I draw in a deep breath--
lacing my hands through your hair I whisper in your ear,
"I lo-"
--crashshatterbreak everything is being ripped away oh god where did the time go what did I do wrong how could you leave why don't you need me who is that what isshedoingwhyissheholdingyourhandwhyisshekissingyourneckohgodohgo­dohgodohgod--
-st you."

And if the piano breaks it's because each time you kiss me it feels like I've taken a bullet to the brain.
Today, I looked into your eyes and saw nothing but forever.
I think that maybe, if you took my hand, we could fight infinity.

I've never believed in God, but ****, I think you're my religious awakening; THIS is a baptismal revival.
I think I was dead until the day we met- you give me life.
Whispers: "safe, safe, safe."
She strikes a key to play me out of tune.

What does she look like in the dark?
What do you wear when you're alone? (I wear the black pendulum)
Seastar, starfish, lover, oh how I'm suffocating on my anguish.
Convince me to forgive him, and then I will try and forgive myself for all that he has broken.
For the ***** nights, the rancid sheets, ten years of filth- it would take an eternity to scrub out my stains- ugly.
Whispers: "****, ****, ****."
Screams: "daddy please, daddy no, daddy no, stop it!"
It's hushed up by the sounds of the broken piano- the unforgiving black sacrament.

Steel and skin, forgiveness and pain.
You can only hide for so long; sleepmonger, deathmonger, counting sheep. When will these childhood nightmares end?! Oh.

So, 1, 2, 3, 4, who's that looming at my door?
5, 6, 7, 8, he calls it love, she calls it ****.
9, 10, 11, 12, he put her though ten years of hell.
13, 14, 15, 16, who could love her scars- so distinct?
17, 18, 19, 20, fall for me; so sick of running.

(a.m.) 05/05/14

I want to be your today.
I want to be your tomorrow.
I want to be your everyday, every which way.
I want to be your twenty-fifth birthday, spent alone with a bottle of bourbon.
I want to be the breath between your words.
The long flight back home.
The first holiday spent abroad.
I want to be the steaming cloud of breath, on a cold January, three years from the next.
I want to be the sheets at night; the flipside of your pillow.
The favorite restaurant.
The hole in your pocket.
The knot in your shoelace.
The freckle on your nose.
I want to know the story of your first broken bone
(If there was one).
I want to know the religious awakening.
I want to know the cherished childhood memory.
The playground bullies.
The third grade science project gone terribly wrong.
Tell me about how he broke your heart.
Tell me about how she broke your heart.
Tell me how to make it better.
Give me the insoluble remedy; give me the chance.
I want to be your unanswered question.
I want to be the first thing when you wake.
I want to be the last thing when you rest.
I want to know your deepest secret.
Tell me about how it molded who you are today.
Give me the light- give me you.

You exist between the books on my shelves.
You exist in each stroke of my pen.
You exist where my punctuation doesnt
(See, you were right there).
You exist in the unsung melody.
The bruise on my hip.
That trigonometry homework left unfinished.
Those lyrics not remembered.
I think of you in the morning.
In the morning with disheveled hair, and bleary eyes.
I think of you with the click of a pen, the turning of the page.
With the brakes of the city bus.
With the bell after fifth period.
With those fading scars on my side.
You are my first encounter with the salty waves of the coast.
You are my first encounter of a well-rehearsed routine.
You are the roots of my hair.
You are the cherished memory.
You are the only one.
You are beautiful.
You are genuine.
You are brave.
You are you.
And, you make me me.

(a.m) 04/21/14

This is not a poem, this is a life.
I have fallen in love, and I know you've fallen in love (at least I hope you've fallen in love). But, our love was antithetic, it was electric, it was eccentric, it was modern. It was like moonbeams, it was like the pavement after rain. Our love was timeless, but most importantly, it was faceless. It was without impression, it was without imperfection.
I just wanted to remind you, that this is not a poem, this is a life.
I met you, and you met me, but it wasn't face to face. We never walked down the hallways of our high schools and brushed the backs of our hands together. Never would I be able to compare the glint in your eyes to the way the sun shined in our favorite spot last Wednesday at 4:32p.m. We never sat on your back porch, or leaned precariously over my balcony, and nervously leaned into one another. Never will you understand the trembling of my knees when I first heard your voice (this is all becoming very poetic), and never will I know the unabashed heat of your skin; or the cold of your dangerous glare. I'll never meet your mother, and you'll never meet my father (but that's okay, because we wouldn't want that anyways), they are our secrets locked away in a box underneath our separate and never merging beds. I crave nothing more than a love that cracks open my ribs and sends a  hurricane barreling through my heart. Few have tried, yet none (only you) have succeeded. The failed have only summoned a cold winter within these bones, but you struck up a blistering summer and an incomprehensible spring, where my eyes viewed nothing but random march showers.
Sorry, I forgot that you were not a poem, and this is our life.
Only upon assessing the damage your vessel created with your departure did I realize that this is not a poem, this is a life.

(a.m.) 03/12/14

Why are you an atheist?
How often I get asked this question...
Because I am alone in this world.
I am alone, and you have your God.
How is your God great, and is your God good,
When every time the news comes on,
I hear the latter?
People killing people in so called,
"Holy wars."
What's so holy about ******?
About war?
About ****?
Poverty?
Suicide?

So while you spend your Sundays staring
At the heart of an empty sky,
While you waste your last breath pleading for forgiveness,
I will sit here and be an innocent bystander
To the will of your ******* savior.
Such horrors your savior has put me through.
Why am I living in a place where people are judged
By the color of their skin?
A world where people slit there wrists and throats
Just to feel alive.
A world were daddy's **** their "little princess'"
And mommy is on the bathroom floor
A little too long this time.
If that is the world we live in,
I don't want to live there anymore.

So, take your comic books and your name tags
And pedal your beliefs somewhere they are needed.
I don't want them.
Your God doesn't know me.
He doesn't know what I can take.
And what about the people who couldn't take
What they were given?
With their broken backs
And your broken heart
And my broken mind.

Oh. But what if I have lost my mind?
Throw me in my padded room
With my bleeding writs
Tied behind my padded back.
Thanks so much for your God's help,
So much for knowing my breaking point.
It's too late I am lost forever and
The void in my heart is full of jellybeans,
And the void in my head is filled with my heart.

I, am tired.
Where is your god now?
Where were you when I needed you most? What about when I was face down on the ground?
I thought of you, it went up with the bottle
and went down with the pills.
Who stopped me from killing myself?
When the thoughts slowly left my head
And my heart ceased its song in my chest.

Where are you now as I sit in front of your children,
The corpse of a girl we all once knew,
And spin my stories?
Where are you now?
Where is your God?

I am God.

(a.m)