I am sad. I am lonely.
I am anxious. I am scared.
I am useless.
If someone asked me "what do you like to do?"
I'd have nothing to say
Because all I do is listen to music and scroll through Instagram like a loser
Picture of that one girl group that have been friends since elementary, scroll.
Selfie of a girl who I used to know, scroll.
Picture of a girl and her boyfriend at the beach, look at it
Scroll.
God, I wish that were me.
It makes me want to pull out my hair when I realize how
talentless
and stupid
I am
I want to be part of that cool kid group. But they never glance my way.
I want to date someone, but I've hardly ever been in a real relationship.
Who could love me?
Who would love me?
But it will never happen,
at least not what I fantasize about;
the romantic in me.
Holding hands, they walk me to class.
But no, stop, I am too afraid.
And I am not beautiful.
And I've never kissed anyone
I'd been close, once, but it was at a middle
school dance and I said "no"
But maybe I regret that now.
I remember I gave that boy a polaroid of myself,
feeling as if I was in a movie
I wonder where it is now.
But a first kiss,
I wanted to save it for someone special
but that'll never happen now
Nobody would want to kiss me,
let alone someone "special"
I am just so afraid
But I want love
love
love
love
Why has that been the only thing I've looked for my entire life?
I can't even make friends
How will I get a lover?
The word lover, I hate it
I listen to sad songs about love,
and feel their sadness as well
How? I don't know
Laying on my bed,
staring at the ceiling,
I wish I could be someone else
Someone who could be loved
and not manipulated, like I
so easily am
Why do I attract narcissists?
And people who use me
I just want to find someone,
someone true
Is that so impossible?
For me, I suppose it is
The only reason someone would love me
is because I can never say
"No"
or get into a fight. Because I'd be scared
Scared they'd leave me
Because all I am good at is being nice and
never say no
And that's the only reason someone would want
me
I can't play hard to get, I don't think I ever will be able to
I don't want to be me.
I don't want to be so afraid.
I don't want to be so unlovable.
I don't, I don't, I don't
I could go on forever.
Sometimes I try to think of my future
but I can't think of anything at all
It's just a blank spot in my brain.
I don't know anything, it's so sad
Now that high school is almost over,
I feel I have wasted it.
It was nothing like the movies I watched in
middle school.
It's wasted, there's nothing I can do
I'll never get asked to prom,
no one I like will like me back
I'll never have a best friend
I know it
I know it.
I want to be in a tiny studio apartment,
looking out into the city at night,
watching the people below my window
Knowing I could never be that
Have fun like that
Without worrying and feeling disgusted
with myself.
Am I really that unlovable?
I'd hope not,
but I know it's true
If only I could be a regular teenager.
Everyday feels the same.
I get excited on Fridays, but why?
To sleep in?
I have no friends to do anything with,
no plans
I always wanted to feel included
but I know it'll never happen,
I'll never be part of a big friend group
or even a small one
All the ones I've had, we went our separate ways
And it's too late now,
Too late now.
I just want love, it's all I've ever looked for
And to be that girl I always wanted to be
But even that girl, I don't know her either
All I know is that she is beautiful
Unlike me.