i long for the days back when life was sharp
lately it’s all ashes on astroturf

the pink paper lanterns that light up our space
leave stars in my eyes as i lie in wait

and i thought i’d find peace along the shore
if i could only let go of what i think i deserve

the ghost of every person i ever loved
        that has ever hurt me
lives in my shadow
               (they whisper of my worth)
      put them to rest
how do i put my ghosts to rest?

i said i wouldn’t bury you but
these seeds are useless
        planted deep in my chest

i can’t hold you close
so i’ll blanket you in dirt
leave you to grow
to sleep in the earth

     in the sun
           and in the rain.

i'm sorry dear, i won’t be here
to keep you out of the shade.
it’s my turn to walk under the sun
and this time,
alone

     hope to see you
          next spring.

hope you’ll be glowing shimmering shining
           (a yellow rosebush in my garden)
golden like my memory of may
when i hadn’t kissed you yet.

quit asking why
   the answers will come
               in due time.

you were the calm.
before my storm

   the storm in my eyes
             and the universe within

the serene squirrel

asked for perspective&
untied her hands.

late night waning full moon experience(s) and
daytime waxing half-moon discovery
upon discovery

the system doesn't work
this system will not
ever work--
so.
  work
         around it.

i scream "**** yes" and
get swallowed in the moon
there's starshine flowing
from my fingers and toes

each and every star
every life
every breath:
is art at its essence.
at its source.



*
~~~~~

in a matter of days the stars aligned
acknowledging the void, I was bathed in light

may we free ourselves through the sharing of pain
find peace in light snow,
in each other's embrace

spot every red door and bench and half-moon
unravel self told lies
accept the unknown

give up on the chase and on finding a home.

no longer a stranger ****** into a strange land
it comes in waves but I'm beginning
to feel less alone

now pull up the shades of your heart & let shine:
the blinding soul light
your stardust eyes

extinguish the flame
let go of your dependence
and comfort in pain

I lived and felt a million souls
within the time it took
for you to walk through the door

every moment is eternal.

every breath was
infinite life.

all
the
stars
and stars
within souls
existing not existing

in ever-burning light

i've spent my life avoiding life
through analysis, through sleep.

i've hidden myself from myself
no wonder i feel like someone else.

there is something very alluring
about losing your mind and yet
there is nothing poetic about being sad.

despair is ugly but
you
can utilize it.

so i'll paint my nails to fit my mood
somewhere between blood and blue

the color is the difference
between me and you.

spiral inward.
reality screams
patterns
at me and
exists only as
compulsions
in me

stare at the ceiling.
disappoint them.
do nothing.
be proud.

i want to
shed the discomfort
of optimism
and **** **** up.

I saw you through the window wearing my shoes. Face looking cynical and wanting to scream, keeping closed. You let nothing out but sorry smoke, how do you expect to be heard? You sit atop your box forever on guard, never leaving what holds which you think does not exist. So go, take your time. I will be watching behind the glass. Wrestle yourself and everyone you know while you pretend you cannot hear the sound.

01.* It gets easier
      to look back and think "he was
      a **** anyway"

02. Sun spots dance in drops,
      Mom sings over the vacuum.
      Don't nap for too long

03. I think this is my
      favorite time of the day.
      Lake twilight serene

over you: easy
getting over myself is
another story.

"I don't want to go."
so sing one last song with me
stay here, and come close.

With the wink of an eye and a flick of your flame, another Marlboro finds its way from your pocket to my lips. Breathing and burning, smokesighs of relief--

I am too far gone to remember your name.

     But the warmth fills and soothes with every intake of breath. Have another shot--or two...from who? Well now I am ready to take a shot at you, Cute Boy--also known as Law Student From Argentina--and although a small something-someone begins to question me, voices just drown in the buzz towards the back of my mind...where everything sinks. sinks. is siiinnnnking. I feel the full force and am loving the fall. So instead of worrying myself over the (now incoherent) blare of your accented voice spilling questions to my ear...
                                                 (Flash another stupid smile, giggle just
                                                   a little louder.
                                                   It's too late now for the answers to matter.)
I let my head turn over 'til our noses touch.
I brush too close,
you're warm and dark...
And I've already
   given
           up.

"I admire you."
--your words that stick out. The last I remember of--oh, hey now...
(a darkly pleased smile currrrls upon my face):

     Let your hands hold me steady at the small of my back while I lean, a little sloppy, into fresh new lips and learn your strange kiss. Somewhere along the way my fingers comb through your hair...it's almost automatic, the way I move; and I feel the same overwhelming loss of control. The only difference is that I don't know you. Nevertheless, in the next few breaths your lips look to my neck in a soft caress...but for only a moment.

     Because perhaps that's when my sister at last pulls me away; oh, she takes such good care of me. I almost forgot just how much I have missed her...ah.
only
in
passing. because--

     For tonight, my dear, I am far more concerned with guiding my tongue back to yours. (So I do.) And darling, that lovely bottom lip--you just might find it caught in my ravenous bite. (Gentle, now.) These teeth will make you mine. Oh, now if only we were somewhere else, I'd let you--

twenty-nine?
oh.
"eighteen? wow," (and that was a lie...)

I guess, I guess this
should feel wrong?
but still
my smile remains for a while...

     and so do you.

I'm throwing a tantrum inside my head. Flipping desks, breaking ****. Screaming 'til I choke.
These days now that is all I can do.

last lines,
but new thoughts
about old things.

i need to write about something else.
So here it goes--

today i slid down sand
steep dunes
rocks thrown,
old sofas.

and tried
to catch
a fish

all on a tuesday,
pollen-filled may
afternoon
and a steady friend
with a young heart

and a soft wind
by the lost pond
and suddenly
I can breathe.

Man that makes me sigh,
the man
a-dult? young adult
mature-something, growing up?
and me, little girl, but
(god forbid he does not
let me know i am "good")
how loved? what love?
i am feeling overpowering
but simple pure
disgust
as a sorrysomething in my throat.

it is all of you that's left
and now i could never love
it is the man i hate
with a sickness,
swelling passion
and I am not your friend.

gone for always is the
boy-
wonderful:

oh however so i
once
admired him.

imma puddle stomper.
the sky is gray
my smile radiates today

my empire thrives
while above, the heavens cry

clouds mull along
cleansing themselves free
tear after clean clear tear.

cascading around me
the tiniest liquid gems
suspended in moments
of perfect redemption

sparkling happiness
in a loved lost youth

dancing along
i'm off to swirl with the gusts
my audience, it sways
whispering their amusement:
what a silly little girl, they say

a wave swells around
my limitless stadium
swelling, falling

crashing

pulling back again,
all that holds me down.
now I can feel so clean.

in the distance, a slow rumble.
for today i am invincible

a last turn, face the crowd
applause, applause.

"the longer that I'm out here, the better you sound."
I’m playing back your laugh just to keep myself
above ground
in my ringing ears
and the scent of your skin.

peeking out from under lonely bed sheets
spring paints my twilight,
semi-evening bed
room with warmth and
I breathe you, just barely.

get back, forget the scars.
under the hoods of my eyes
and dazed dream fog
here, missing you doesn’t seem so hard